a large percentage of my audience is terrorists (shut up and drive)

"Military commanders in Iraq say the day is fast approaching when we will start withdrawing our troops. I believe that day is called Election Day." --Jay Leno

"Every time the president comes up with a new secret tactic to down al Qaeda, the media blows its cover: torture, monitoring our phone calls, monitoring our e-mails, secret prisons. All perfectly reasonable temporary concessions of freedom that will only be in effect as long as our never-ending war on terror. Well last week, the New York Times did it again folks. Now, I don't want to give to much information away on what they revealed, because a large percentage of my audience is terrorists." --Stephen Colbert

"In a speech in Washington, D.C., Delaware Senator Joe Biden said although he wants to be president, he'd rather be at home making love to his wife. Which is ironic, because Bill Clinton said the same thing. He said he'd rather be home making love to Joe Biden's wife too." --Jay Leno