In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor (he’s been training for this really for his whole life)

“Mitt Romney is getting some heat today for something he said on CNN. He said he's not concerned about the very poor. I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to say that out loud. Romney said the quote was taken out of context. And that he absolutely cares about the poor. In fact, his campaign bus runs on the tears of the poor.” –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump is right now gearing up for his first State of the Union speech; it’s tomorrow night. State of the Union is the one day of the year presidents are supposed to brag about their accomplishments. So he’s been training for this really for his whole life. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

turn to the person to your right, then turn to the person to your left (Trump Diarrhea!)

“We’ve been following this story very closely here at ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’ all week, and the outbreak of explosive diarrhea sweeping the nation has now spread to 34 states, including right here in California. Yeah, so I want everyone in our audience right now, turn to the person to your right, then turn to the person to your left. All three of you are about to get explosive diarrhea.” —Ike Barinholtz

“They’re saying one of the reasons this outbreak has been so hard to contain is that last year the C.D.C., under this administration, stopped keeping track of the parasite that causes the explosive diarrhea. But I want to give the president the credit he deserves, and I know how much he loves putting his name on things. So I’m announcing that from now on, this outbreak will be officially known as Trump Diarrhea!” —Ike Barinholtz

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We totally caught ourselves by surprise (all of them orange)

“But meanwhile, this U.S. exit from Syria was so sudden and hasty, we actually had to bomb one of our own bases to destroy the ammunition that was left behind. Thanks to Donald Trump, our genius commander in chief, the U.S. military is now bombing itself. And it was a success, too. We totally caught ourselves by surprise.” --Jimmy Kimmel

A calcium score over 100 indicates a high risk of heart attack or heart disease within three to five years. Trump’s number is 133, but his doctor says he’s in excellent health. Claims he passed a cognitive test with flying colors — all of them orange. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And the big answer to that is, Duh (the time he got to see Dick Cheney change his tube socks)

It was sentencing day for Donald Trump’s former lawyer and former friend Michael Cohen. Michael Cohen was sentenced to three years in prison for multiple counts of tax evasion and paying Trump’s mistresses to keep them quiet during the campaign. The big question, of course, is whether Trump himself knew about and directed these illegal payments. And the big answer to that is, Duh. --Jimmy Kimmel

Time magazine has named their Person of the Year. It’s none other than President-elect Donald Trump. He is the Person of the Year. Which is a big deal because this might be one of our last years. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Future President Sarah Palin made her first appearance on Fox News yesterday—after signing a multi-year deal with the network. She was a guest on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' Sources say they have not seen Bill O'Reilly that aroused since the time he got to see Dick Cheney change his tube socks." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

while her husband’s ankles were swelling with pride (all the refinement and prestige of a Hooters at the Vatican)

For his 80th birthday, President Trump planned a UFC match on the front lawn with all the refinement and prestige of a Hooters at the Vatican. —Jimmy Kimmel 

Melania seemed to have fun watching someone else get trapped in a cage at the White House while her husband’s ankles were swelling with pride. —Jimmy Kimmel 

Trump almost stayed awake for the whole thing but he took a UFC fiesta. Only Donald Trump could fall asleep at a birthday party sponsored by Monster energy drink. —Jimmy Kimmel 

This week also saw his name officially removed from the Kennedy Center yet not from the “Trump-Epstein files”. —Jimmy Kimmel 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No president in the history of this country has ever had to have his brain examined this many times in a row (an 80-year-old man yelling about windmills)

Last week, President Trump announced the Great American State Fair, a lavish musical event to celebrate America’s 250th birthday with performers including Martina McBride, Morris Day and the Time, the Commodores, Milli Vanilli and Poison’s Bret Michaels – all who have since dropped out. It was as if they’d been booked on a hantavirus cruise. On Truth Social, Trump responded by saying that he is thinking about replacing artists who are getting the “yips” by installing himself as headliner. The only artists who did not back out were Flo Rida and Vanilla Ice, who now need to find another way to make 80 bucks a night. Instead of music, the entertainment will be an 80-year-old man yelling about windmills. Windmilli Vanilli will be taking the stage. —Jimmy Kimmel

Trump also took time to brag about the results of his latest physical, commenting that he “scored 30 out of 30” on a four consecutive cognitive tests, proving “extreme intelligence” and that he is smarter than all past US presidents. That’s right. No president in the history of this country has ever had to have his brain examined this many times in a row. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There he is, the least-popular bill since Cosby (But now it’s May of 2026, and everybody hates him)

So, when asked about Trump's terrible poll numbers, usually they’ll deflect this kind of thing, but a White House spokesperson said, ‘The ultimate poll was Nov. 5, 2024, when nearly 80 million Americans overwhelmingly elected President Trump to deliver on his popular and common-sense agenda.’ OK, yeah. But now it’s May of 2026, and everybody hates him, so. —Jimmy Kimmel

The Treasury Department proposed printing a $250 bill featuring the likeness of President Trump on it, to celebrate the nation’s 250th anniversary. There he is, the least-popular bill since Cosby. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I just want to make sure he knows, he’s two points behind JD Vance (The Blart of the Deal)

A new Economist/YouGov poll showed President Trump at his lowest approval rating ever, of 34 percent. He is now down to 34 percent. He has the same approval rating as Paul Blart: Mall Cop. The Blart of the Deal. —Jimmy Kimmel

Not only is Trump at his lowest point, he’s also two points behind JD Vance. I don’t have a joke for that. I just want to make sure he knows, he’s two points behind JD Vance. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Never Give Up (that wasn’t the country he was mad at)

President Trump is now depressed given his falling approval rating and the war in Iran, he assembled team circle jerk for an emergency tongue bath. The president pulled members of his cabinet for a meeting in which they told him how great he is, even if you don’t like Bill Clinton, at least when his staff blew him, he didn’t make us watch. —Jimmy Kimmel

One of the attenders was former Fox News host and defense secretary Pete Hegseth, who is a bigger screwup than Eric, after he had to cancel the deployment of troops in Poland when he received an angry phone call from Trump saying that wasn’t “the country he was mad at”. Instead it was Germany. The Poles were angry and confused and joked “what a time to be alive” with Hegseth and Kash Patel, the FBI director, literally making drunk history every day. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

also flying to a private island makes him miss his friend Jeffrey Epstein (It’s as if that Fifa peace prize means nothing to this man)

On Saturday, Donald Trump Jr married his partner, Bettina Anderson, in the Bahamas in a small ceremony attended by 40 guests none of whom were his father. On Truth Social, Trump wrote that he “very much wanted” to be there but felt it was “important for me to remain in Washington, DC at the White House during this important period of time”. He had circumstances pertaining to government – and also flying to a private island makes him miss his friend Jeffrey Epstein. —Jimmy Kimmel

This is a guy who golfs two, three times a week, he’s going to UFC fights with Vanilla Ice. He was too busy for his son’s wedding. But he did say Don and Bettina are going to have a great marriage, and this is a man who knows a great marriage; he’s had three of them himself. —Jimmy Kimmel

Trump is stuck in the war with Iran like a pig in a vat of chocolate pudding. On Saturday, the president said that a deal with Iran was nearly finalized, but US bombs continue to strike the country. It’s as if that Fifa peace prize means nothing to this man. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It might even be her second worst decision (DNA kits)

“In Georgia, Herschel Walker and Raphael Warnock are headed to a runoff election in December, which could decide control of the Senate. Runoff is also what Herschel does when one of his kids shows up with a DNA kit.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Turning to Pennsylvania, where John Fetterman defeated Dr. Oz, a celebrity tapped by Donald Trump. The former president is reportedly livid about Oz’s loss, screaming when the numbers came in, according to the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman. They say the last time Trump was this disappointed was when Eric was born. Haberman reported that Trump was also furious with anyone who supported Oz, including his wife Melania, calling it ‘not her best decision’. It might even be her second worst decision. Trump is so angry at Melania, they’re no longer sleeping in separate beds.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who’s planning to read it (your rulers are afraid of you)

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked

about Clinton’s book. She said she thought it was sad. Which is

true. I mean, it is — I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who’s

planning to read it, but at the end of the book, Donald Trump

becomes president. –Jimmy Kimmel

Ben Carson did not make a particularly strong impression last night. Ben Carson, to me, comes off like a guy who grabbed the wrong drink at Bill Cosby's house. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business (My Bad)

"The title of Bush's memoir is 'Decision Points." It narrowly edged out his original title, which was 'My Bad.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"The identity of the Navy Seals that killed Osama bin Laden is being kept secret. It's for their own safety. It's to keep them from being high-fived to death." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Between the death of bin Laden and the royal wedding, it's an exciting time to be in the commemorative plate business." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you can't judge a book by its cover (he might start dating it)

"Kim Kardashian is here tonight because she has a new book out.

It's called 'Selfish.' It is 400 pages of pictures she took of herself.

You know how you can't judge a book by its cover? This one you

can." –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump’s approval rating has sunk to near-historic lows. According to a new Quinnipiac poll, his approval rating is down to 36 percent. If it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

worrying about the optics (nine-month delay)

This week also saw Donald Trump Jr and his bride-to-be decide against getting married at the White House over fears about the optics. Somebody marrying Donald Trump Jr is worried about the optics? —Jimmy Kimmel

The much-ridiculed Trump gold cellphone is now available after a nine-month delay. The only Trump item more disappointing after a nine-month wait was Eric. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

including asking him why God didn’t answer his prayers for smaller ears (nice little naps)

Based on Trump’s social media activity, there were only five nights over the last month when the president could have possibly gotten a full night’s sleep. Now, in fairness Trump does take nice little naps, mostly during the national security meetings. —Jimmy Kimmel

The strait of Hormuz has not been reopened. While Trump claims that the US is close to a deal, it is still very much in flux, as in what the flux are we doing over there? —Jimmy Kimmel

Trump has been issuing more threats this week. Trump’s list of threats is now longer than Kash Patel’s bar tab. —Jimmy Kimmel

This week will also see Marco Rubio being sent to make nice with the pope including asking him why God didn’t answer his prayers for smaller ears. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What can you say? The man loves to dance (it will assess how many Wendy’s tendies you can fit in your mouth)

“Originally President Trump said his ballroom would cost $200m, and it would be financed by private donors. Then the price tag doubled to $400m, which he said would still be paid for by private donors. Then yesterday, Republicans in the Senate pushed a bill that was allocate a billion dollars of taxpayer money to to go towards this project. According to the judiciary committee, the increased funds would be used to heighten security in the wake of the recent shooting at the White House correspondents’ dinner. A billion dollars for a ballroom. What can you say? The man loves to dance.” —Jimmy Kimmel

There is news that Trump will be bringing back the presidential fitness test, which had previously been nixed during the Obama administration. He wants kids to get in shape. Trump said, ‘If they don’t get in shape, they’ll never be able to marry a wealthy businessman.’ While the test used to judge fitness based on how many sit-ups you could do, now it will assess how many Wendy’s tendies you can fit in your mouth. Only Donald Trump would bring back a test that he has no chance of passing. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Only Donald Trump would bring back a test that he has no chance of passing (The man loves to dance)

“Originally Trump said his ballroom would cost $200m, and it would be financed by private donors. Then the price tag doubled to $400m, which he said would still be paid for by private donors. Then yesterday, Republicans in the Senate pushed a bill that was allocate a billion dollars of taxpayer money to to go towards this project. According to the judiciary committee, the increased funds would be used to heighten security in the wake of the recent shooting at the White House correspondents’ dinner. A billion dollars for a ballroom. What can you say? The man loves to dance.” —Jimmy Kimmel

There is news that Trump will be bringing back the presidential fitness test, which had previously been nixed during the Obama administration. He wants kids to get in shape. Trump said, ‘If they don’t get in shape, they’ll never be able to marry a wealthy businessman.’ While the test used to judge fitness based on how many sit-ups you could do, now it will assess how many Wendy’s tendies you can fit in your mouth. Only Donald Trump would bring back a test that he has no chance of passing. —Jimmy Kimmel

Based on Trump’s social media activity, there were only five nights over the last month when the president could have possibly gotten a full night’s sleep. Now, in fairness Trump does take nice little naps, mostly during the national security meetings. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because you’re not doing too good, either (Iranians, Ukrainians and comedians)

Donald Trump posted on Truth Social: “When is ABC Fake News Network firing seriously unfunny Jimmy Kimmel, who incompetently presides over one of the Lowest Rated shows on Television? People are angry. It better be soon!!! President DJT” Or what? If incompetently presiding over not just one of but the lowest rating in history is the reason I should be fired, we should both be out of a job. Because you’re not doing too good, either. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Isn’t there a war dragging on? Imagine if FDR had taken to the airwaves during the Battle of the Bulge to complain about a little orphan Annie comic strip that he didn’t like. Trump has three wars going on right now – Iranians, Ukrainians and comedians.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That will be your legacy, sir (this could be a game changer for Melania)

“President Trump has accomplished so much during his second term. He passed new incentives for oil and gas. He put the brakes on solar and wind. That will be your legacy, sir, breaking wind and passing gas.” —Jimmy Kimmel

Jokes aside, this was a big night for Trump. He absolutely loves being alongside the royals. And the idea that they have to kiss his ass is as bigly as it gets for him. The king, he laid it on thick. He came bearing exactly the kind of gift Trump loves to get, a big gold thing with his name on it. That would be a big golden bell, which Charles gifted the president at the state dinner. Unfortunately, the only bell Trump likes is the taco one. What if he starts wearing it? Jingling his way around the White House … could be a game changer for Melania at night! —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”