Thursday, August 29, 2013

Is the rich person you're working for better off now..

"John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this." —Jay Leno

President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot." —Jay Leno

"President George Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'" —Jay Leno

Learner's permit to be president

"Not only will Condoleezza Rice testify, but President Bush has also agreed to meet with the (9/11) commission. He's going to testify, but he said he wants have Dick Cheney there with him. Why does he want Cheney with him? What? Does he have a learner's permit to be president and have to have an adult with him." —Jay Leno

"They said that President Bush's war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn't losing American jobs anymore, he's branching out to other countries." —Jay Leno

"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China." —Jay Leno 

Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?

"President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense — he wants to know what was going on, too." —David Letterman

"There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'" —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him 'sir' instead of 'Mr. President.' Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?" —Jay Leno

"President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers." —Craig Kilborn

Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy!

"President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo." —David Letterman

"In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"In response to the escalating violence in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops and will actually add reinforcements to the south. Then in a symbolic gesture he pulled down the mission accomplished banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier." —Tina Fey

President Bush's tax return

"CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk." —David Letterman

"President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off." —Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq." —Conan O'Brien

You don't want too many amateurs on in one night

"I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." —David Letterman

"It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." —David Letterman

"In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'" —Conan O'Brien 

"Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night." —David Letterman 

Hey, who elected you president?!

"President Bush announced his plan for Iraq. He called for the rebuilding of a wrecked economy, getting international cooperation and bringing in new leadership. You know, the same thing Kerry is calling for here." —Jay Leno

"So far opinion is split on the president's plan. Republicans say the outlook is Sunni, or as Democrats say, we're in deep Shiite." —Jay Leno  

"Some possible high profile targets are the Republican National Convention and the Democratic National Convention. So in response, President Bush increased security at the following locations: the Republican National Convention." —Craig Kilborn

"A fiery Al Gore called for the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, and CIA Director George Tenet. Bush was furious. He said to Gore, 'Hey, who elected you president?!'" —Jay Leno

I never liked those slippers

"I read Bush's memoir, and I have to say, the book is way better than the Presidency." –Jimmy Fallon

"He's like an old pair of slippers, this guy. Like a gift you didn't particularly want. Wasn't really a good fit. Started a war between your pants and your shirt. But you had them for eight years, and that's something. In hindsight, they did keep your feet slightly warmer than -- ah, f**k it, I never liked those slippers." –Jon Stewart, on George W. Bush

"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman 

I'm not going to read it until he reads it

"Former President George W. Bush will be everywhere promoting the book. He's on the 'Today Show.' Going to be on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and tomorrow he'll be on the Rachael Ray Show, water-boarding the veal cutlets." –David Letterman

"No sir, I'm not going to read it until he reads it." –David Letterman

"President Bush told Matt Lauer the most embarrassing thing he ever did drunk was ask a friend of his parents what sex was like after 50. That's nothing. John McCain asked Sarah Palin to be his running mate when he was sober." –Jay Leno 

Well, it’s unanimous...

"George W. Bush was interviewed by Matt Lauer who asked him if he would still invade Iraq if he knew then what he knows now. It's an unfair question. For one thing I don’t know if Bush does know what he knows now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"'Decision Points' by George W. Bush has dropped, and it's like 'War & Peace' without the peace. Here's the very first page: 'In the last year of my presidency I began to seriously consider writing my memoirs.' Right away he’s got you hooked. Did he write them or didn’t he? You won't know until you read the book. Maybe the rest of the pages are blank. If there’s one thing we've learned it’s that we can't believe something is there just because Bush says it is." –Stephen Colbert

"In his new book, George W. Bush says he’s happy to be out of Washington. Well, it’s unanimous." –David Letterman 

Waterboarding a veal cutlet

"In the book Bush says that he lost respect for John McCain when he selected Sarah Palin as his running mate. This from a guy whose running mate shot a buddy in the face." –David Letterman

"George W. Bush has just released his new memoir 'Decision Points.' It's 512 pages long. But to be fair, half those pages are just games and puzzles. In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of." –Craig Ferguson

"President Bush is everywhere. He's been on the Larry King Show, he's been on the Today Show. He was on Rachel Ray this morning waterboarding a veal cutlet." –David Letterman

Haiku on the Bush Administration

"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" –David Letterman

"George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time. Really?" –David Letterman

"But the guy, the president, he is still quick. Still very athletic. You know, he's a former cheerleader. I believe he is our only president who was a cheerleader. He proved today at a book signing that he can still duck a shoe." –David Letterman 

Friday, August 23, 2013

One of his arteries was clogged with old Al Gore ballots

"So former President George W. Bush had to go into the hospital, had a little heart surgery and he's OK, but he blames it all on the fatty foods served by White House butler Forest Whitaker." –David Letterman

"Doctors told Bush to avoid any heavy exertion, so that means no reading. He had a little touch of coronary artery disease. One of his arteries was clogged with old Al Gore ballots." –David Letterman

It's called comparison shopping

"According to a new poll, over 50 percent of New Yorkers say they won't vote for Anthony Weiner no matter what. The other 50 percent say they're going to wait until they see all the other candidates' penises. It's called comparison shopping." –Conan O'Brien 

"According to a new study, most men would like women to occasionally pick up the check. The study also found most women would occasionally like to be paid as much as men for doing the same job." –Conan O'Brien

"Some park rangers in California found a plot on which someone grew 500,000 pounds of marijuana. They assume this pot was grown by humans, but I wouldn't rule out bears. Think about it: They sleep three months a year, all you ever see them doing is rummaging through the trash trying to find food, and their leader's name is Smokey." –Jimmy Kimmel

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Stopped at random and manhandled by strangers

"North Korea has announced that it's developing its own smartphone. Unfortunately, the phones are so smart, they've already escaped from North Korea." –Conan O'Brien

"Some unelected, activist judge has rejected Stop and Frisk on the bizarre theory that minorities have the constitutional right not to be stopped at random and manhandled by strangers. Despite the fact that when the Constitution was written, minorities weren't even invented yet." –Stephen Colbert

Let me know when that number reaches 69!

"Sixty-two percent of New Yorkers say they are embarrassed by the sex scandals of Anthony Weiner. Weiner said, 'Let me know when that number reaches 69.'" –Conan O'Brien

"San Diego Mayor Bob Filner has been accused of sexual harassment by 14 women, and now there's so many a hotline has been established to take any new sexual harassment claims. The number is 1-800-How Is This Guy Still Mayor?" –Conan O'Brien

"San Diego Mayor Bob Filner left his sexual harassment rehab program a week early. He said, 'I'm mostly cured, now I only grab one boob.'" –Conan O'Brien 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

John Travolta's here?

"Before they went on vacation, Congress voted to exempt themselves from Obamacare. They gave themselves a special exemption because they thought it was too expensive. So the people who voted for Obamacare for us voted to exempt themselves from it. You know how doctors take the Hippocratic Oath. Congress apparently takes the 'Hypocritic Oath.'" –Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Obama met with the prime minister of Greece at the White House. When he heard the leader of Greece was there, Biden said, 'John Travolta's here?' " –Jimmy Fallon 

When life hands you Yemen...

"President Obama has called off a summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin because of diplomatic differences. Also, Obama didn't like Putin's demand that the summit be held shirtless and on horseback." –Conan O'Brien

"A man in Colorado wants marijuana to be classified as a vegetable. I just have to say that that's an ingenious way to get Americans to stop smoking pot." –Conan O'Brien

"I guess you all heard about this terrorist threat the president warned us about. One of the reasons Al Qaeda is upset with the United States is because we are giving aid to Yemen. We didn't have a choice. When life hands you Yemen, you give them Yemen aid." –Jay Leno 

A groper's dozen

"During a fundraiser last night, Mitt Romney told Republicans that they need to pick a candidate for 2016 who can actually win. And Republicans said, 'Yeah, I wish you told us that last year. But hey, thanks a lot.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"We had President Obama on the show last night. It was a huge honor, but all the security made it difficult getting into the building. Security was checking IDs, the Secret Service was searching cars, Donald Trump was out front checking birth certificates — it was crazy." –Jay Leno

"This story just gets crazier: Two more women have come forward to accuse San Diego Mayor Bob Filner of sexual misconduct. That brings the total to 13 — or as Filner calls it, a groper's dozen." –Jay Leno 

In a related story, figure skating has been canceled

"Russia also has the Winter Olympics, and that’s a big mess too because, you know, Russia is really, really anti-gay. You know this? Seriously, they said they would arrest any Olympic athletes for “promoting” homosexuality. In a related story, figure skating has been canceled." –Bill Maher

"All our best to former President George W. Bush, who is recovering from successful heart surgery today. All day the media have been sending get-well wishes to President Bush. Fox News sent flowers. MSNBC sent a steak and cheese fries. " –Jay Leno 

"Photos of the royal baby's birth certificate have surfaced. Kate's occupation on the document is listed as 'princess.' It's always inspiring to me when a new mother decides to remain in the workplace." –Conan O'Brien 

It’s more like Charlie Manson applying for parole

"There's a big fight in the Republican Party between Chris Christie and Rand Paul. In an effort to end the spat, Paul offered to have a beer with Christie. But Christie refused. Christie said, 'It's going to take a lot more than a beer to win me over. You're going to need wings, stuffed potato skins, tater tots, ribs, onion rings – I need the whole deal." –Jay Leno

"The Republicans in Congress voted to repeal ObamaCare for a fortieth time today. It’s really now less a governing philosophy; it’s more like Charlie Manson applying for parole." –Bill Maher

"The Pope said gay Catholics should not be marginalized. He said, 'Who am I to judge them?' I think it's like anything else, when you get to know gay people they don't come off as gay, they come off as people. You stop being anti-gay. And who has more gay friends and coworkers than a Pope?" –Bill Maher

Sunday, August 4, 2013

The state also changed its name to Chillinois

"At a concert this week, Justin Bieber rubbed a fan's smartphone on his crotch. In a related story, Justin Bieber is now in 3rd place in the New York city mayoral race." –Conan O'Brien 

"Today Illinois became the 20th state to legalize marijuana. The state also changed its name to Chillinois." –Conan O'Brien

"In a new interview, Republican Senator John McCain implied that he might vote for Hillary Clinton in 2016. McCain's getting old. He also said he'd consider voting for oatmeal." –Craig Ferguson

Thursday, August 1, 2013

English language's most offensive C-word

"Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word." –John Oliver

"A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands." –Conan O'Brien    

"Pope Francis today said he will not judge priests who are gay. In response, gay priests said they will not judge Pope Francis for wearing that robe with those shoes." –Conan O'Brien