If it wasn't for Germany, there would be nothing to watch on the History Channel

"The United States is trying to evacuate 5,000 of our citizens from Lebanon, but the Pentagon says it's hard to move people across the border without any paperwork. You know what we should do? Ask the Mexican government to help. They moved 12 million people over the border with no paperwork." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has been overseas. He just got back today. While he was in Germany, President Bush praised the German people on their contributions that the country has made. He said, 'If it wasn't for Germany, there would be nothing to watch on the History Channel.'" --Jay Leno

"Valerie Plame. You know who she is? She was the CIA agent whose name was leaked to the press and is now suing Vice President Dick Cheney for violating her constitutional rights. She's suing Dick Cheney. Is that smart? Even the guy who Dick Cheney shot in the face isn't suing him and he's a lawyer." --Jay Leno