control of his beard has been turned over to ZZ Top (banned words)

"More serious newspapers in Israel are now starting to question their government's actions in Lebanon. The critics say Israel leaders underestimated the strength of the enemy, didn't have a well thought-out military plan, and may have gotten them bogged down in a quagmire fighting a guerrilla war in foreign country. Well thank god our leaders would never let anything like that happen." --Jay Leno

"Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has checked into the hospital and control of the country has been turned over to his brother. He's turned over control of the country to his brother. In a related story control of his beard has been turned over to ZZ Top." --Conan O'Brien

"And the president of Iran has ordered his government to ban foreign words for cultural usage. They only want Iranian words. You can't use any foreign words. For example, pizza is not called pizza in Iran. It's called 'elastic loaf.' Other foreign words Iran is banning are 'peace,' 'negotiation,' and 'nuclear disarmament'." --Jay Leno