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Saturday, August 29, 2015

Their creation has escaped from the lab



All the new polls indicate that Donald Trump is getting more popular every day. Apparently his inspiring riches to riches story is really resonating with everyday Americans. –Jimmy Kimmel
Right now members of the Republican National Committee are essentially the scientists in a movie realizing their creation has escaped from the lab. –Jimmy Kimmel
Even though Trump is on top, 54 percent of voters, don't believe he's trustworthy or honest. If Donald Trump is dishonest, what's he going to say when he starts being honest? –Jimmy Kimmel
They did a nationwide survey that found that when voters think of Donald Trump, the most common word that comes to mind is "Arrogant." When the same voters think of Hillary Clinton, the most common word they use is "Liar." When they think of Jeb Bush, the first word that comes to mind is "Bush." Voters don't even care enough about Jeb Bush to come up with a word to describe him. –Jimmy Kimmel


Friday, August 28, 2015

Infidelity has finally entered the world of sports



Today is a special day. Today is women's equality day. Donald Trump calls it, that time of the year again. –Conan O’Brien
At a press conference yesterday, Donald Trump kicked out a Latino reporter but the man returned a few minutes later. Yeah, so already Trump's deportation plan isn't working. –Conan O’Brien


Right now in the U.S. the most popular name for baby girls is Emma. The least popular names are Ashley and Madison. –Conan O’Brien
It has come out that 100 ESPN employees were on the adultery website Ashley Madison. In other words, infidelity has finally entered the world of sports. –Conan O’Brien

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Screwing people for money is a long family tradition



It's come out that Donald Trump's grandfather owned a brothel. When reached for comment Trump said, screwing people for money is a long family tradition. –Conan O’Brien
It is rumored that the new iPhones are going to use facial recognition technology to unlock your phone. Of course, if you live in Los Angeles the iPhone will store up to six of your previous faces. –Conan O’Brien


Monday, August 24, 2015

Jeb Bush was given the prize for "lamest use of a magic wand."



In an interview this week, Jeb Bush said that if he had a magic wand, there are at least ten things that he would like change about the Constitution. Then Jeb Bush was given the prize for "lamest use of a magic wand." --Jimmy Fallon
A new poll shows that Jeb Bush is now even more unpopular than Donald Trump. Or as Jeb put it, "Well, at least there's one poll where I'm ahead of Trump." --Jimmy Fallon
Trump was also recently quoted saying he can't remember the last time he apologized. His barber said, "Well, I definitely remember the last time I apologized." --Jimmy Fallon


Sunday, August 23, 2015

Which is kind of like Jared Fogle telling you you’re creepy



Josh Duggar was outed for signing up on Ashley Madison using the screen name "Josh the man" to meet women for sex. He released a statement today apologizing for cheating on his wife while serving as executive director of the Family Research Council. I guess that's not the sort of family research they had in mind for him. –Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump said last night that Jeb Bush is “totally out of touch on women’s health issues.” Which is kind of like Jared Fogle telling you you’re creepy. –Seth Meyers
CNN's newest polls show that Donald Trump is leading Hillary Clinton in Florida. It’s scary, because if that could happen in Florida, it could also happen in the United States. –Seth Meyers


Boom. Right? You move on.



The Cadillac Escalade EXT is the most popular car driven in New York. Partly because they're stylish, but mostly because New Yorkers like to have a place to stretch out when they leave their apartments. –Jimmy Fallon
At Ohio State University, it was just announced a tiny human brain has been grown in a lab. Isn't that crazy? And it's already announced its support for Trump for president. –Conan O’Brien
It has come out that implementing Donald Trump's immigration policy would cost taxpayers $166 billion. Today Trump said, “So what? You spend the money, you declare bankruptcy, and then you start a new country. Boom. Right? You move on.” –Conan O’Brien


OK, I'll do it! I talked me into it!



A new CNN poll shows that Donald Trump is within six points of Hillary Clinton. It’s the closest Trump has ever gotten to a woman over 40. –Seth Meyers
According to a new list, Nashville is the friendliest city in America. While Philadelphia beat up the person who was putting together the list. –Seth Meyers
Donald Trump's recent immigration plan would cost at least $166 billion. When asked how he'd pay for it, Trump was like, "No hablo ingl├ęs.” –Jimmy Fallon
Trump just gave a big interview to the Hollywood Reporter. And when he was asked what actor he’d want to play him in a movie, he said, “Somebody really, really handsome.” Then he said, “OK, I'll do it! I talked me into it!" –Jimmy Fallon



Mile 419.9



The Idaho Department of Transportation has gotten rid of its 420-mile marker because stoners kept stealing it. The government is replacing the 420 signs with signs that read "Mile 419.9." They're going to be so upset when they realize that "419.9" is street slang for crystal meth. –James Corden
The FDA has approved a prescription pill to enhance a woman's sex drive. Addyi has been nicknamed "pink Viagra." It's interesting how it actually works. You don't take it yourself. You give the pill to your husband and it makes him do the dishes, and then you have sex. –Jimmy Kimmel


That's more than half of the states




The TSA's airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop. –Jimmy Fallon
Up to 11 states are poised to legalize weed, which would bring the total to 14 states. Marijuana activists are thrilled. They're saying, "Wow, 14 states. That's more than half of the states." –James Corden

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Harrison would be the first dad to volunteer his kids for The Hunger Games



Steelers linebacker James Harrison made his sons return two school sports trophies that they received just for participating. He said, "These trophies will be given back until they earn a real trophy." Why do I feel like James Harrison would be the first dad to volunteer his kids for "The Hunger Games"? –James Corden

Donald Trump told reporters yesterday that it would be very easy to round up all undocumented immigrants. But remember, this is the guy who couldn't even round up real celebrities. –Seth Meyers
A new CNN poll shows that Carly Fiorina has pushed Chris Christie out of the top 10 for the Republican nomination. Unfortunately, she threw her back out doing it. –Seth Meyers


Don't you hate it when you're going to Jupiter



Jeb Bush cheated on his diet and had a fried Snickers bar, pork on a stick, and a beer. Jeb Bush said he ate it so at least he could see some of his numbers go up. –Conan O’Brien
A company is developing an elevator that can take you into space. Don't you hate it when you're going to Jupiter and someone gets on the elevator and presses "Mars"? –Conan O’Brien


The last time a German guy with crazy hair took over a country



Donald Trump unveiled his immigration policy and now he's getting a lot of flak. His policy would have prevented his own grandfather from coming to America. That explains his new campaign slogan: "Vote Trump to prevent another Trump." –Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump is the grandson of German immigrants. Don't worry. The last time a German guy with crazy hair took over a country, everything turned out fine. –Conan O’Brien


“Weird, the opposite is working for me.”



Apparently President Obama’s favorite cocktail is a martini. When asked how he likes it, he said, “On the beach, in Hawaii, in 2017.” –Jimmy Fallon
According to a new poll, Jeb Bush saw a 6 percent drop in support after the first debate, but experts say he still has a shot because he's “likable” and “qualified.” Then Donald Trump said, “Weird, the opposite is working for me.” –Jimmy Fallon


Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Of course, he also said the same thing about a flight of stairs



Donald Trump’s new policy paper would not give automatic citizenship to children born in America if they have foreign parents. Said Trump, “It’s nothing personal, Sasha and Malia.” –Seth Meyers
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said today that Hillary Clinton's arrogance is “breathtaking.” Of course, he also said the same thing about a flight of stairs. –Seth Meyers


They're now building a wall on the border



Donald Trump was photographed at the Iowa State Fair eating a pork chop on a stick. That's what I love about America. You can fly on a private jet and eat at five-star restaurants. But if you want to be president, when they hand you a pork chop on a stick in Iowa, you have to eat it. –Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump landed his helicopter at the state fair and offered to take some kids on a ride in the helicopter. Twenty kids took the helicopter ride with Trump. He dropped them off in Texas. They're now building a wall on the border. –Jimmy Kimmel


He broke the previous record of zero



Starbucks announced that their pumpkin spice latte will now be made with a little bit of pumpkin. Also, their Frappuccino will now be made with a little bit of Al Pacino. –Conan O’Brien
A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134 times in one minute. He broke the previous record of zero. –Conan O’Brien


All the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding



Chris Christie said he will top Donald Trump's Iowa State Fair helicopter entrance by riding in on a pony. As a result, all the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding. –Conan O’Brien
This weekend many of the Republican candidates said they used a fit bit. In fact, Jeb Bush uses his to see how much distance he can put between himself and his last name. –Conan O’Brien


Or as his owner put it, “Don't remind me.”



There are reports that if Joe Biden runs for president, he would promise to serve for only one term — because nothing says confidence like promising your presidency would be over quickly. –Jimmy Fallon
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo just signed a bill that bans powdered alcohol from the state. So if you live in New York and you’re consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse. –Jimmy Fallon
Guinness World Records just declared a cat named Corduroy the oldest living cat, at 26 years old. Or as his owner put it, “Don't remind me.” –Jimmy Fallon


Saturday, August 15, 2015

I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be..



Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, "I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one." –Conan O’Brien

North Korea is creating its own time zone. It's going to push the country's time back a half hour. So it's not bad enough that they don't have food and they're ruled by an insane dictator. Now they have to wait until 8:00 to watch "Wheel of Fortune." –Conan O’Brien


OK, cut him down.



Donald Trump gave a speech yesterday where he accused Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton of being under the control of lobbyists, special interests, and deep-pocketed donors. Trump says we should vote for him because he’s not under control at all. –Seth Meyers
Despite no longer working for Donald Trump, former campaign strategist Roger Stone said today that he still fully supports his former boss. At which point, Trump said, “OK, cut him down.” –Seth Meyers


This is coming from the lead researcher, "Timmy."




Despite all of his sexist comments, 20 percent of Republican women still support Donald Trump. When asked why, the women said, "Because he's paying us alimony." –Conan O’Brien

A new study claims that first grade students are getting three times more homework than they should be doing. This is coming from the lead researcher, "Timmy." –Conan O’Brien

Thursday, August 13, 2015

I had no idea people would take me seriously



New York Jets quarterback Geno Smith broke his jaw yesterday in training camp after getting punched in the face by a teammate. Smith tried to punch him back but his fist was intercepted and returned for a touchdown. –Seth Meyers
Donald Trump refuses to give details about his policy plans. Trump apologized by saying, "When I announced I was running for president, I had no idea people would take me seriously.” –Conan O’Brien


Compared to George, Jeb is the slow one



In a recent interview, Jeb Bush revealed that his brother George gave him the nickname “tortoise” because he's making slow, steady progress. Though I think the bigger story here is that compared to George, Jeb is the slow one. –Jimmy Fallon
Bernie Sanders is now leading Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire. He's seven points ahead. So forget those emails from when she was secretary of state. I want to see the emails Hillary sent out this morning. –Conan O’Brien


Was it everything I said?



Bernie Sanders is polling at 44 percent among Democrats in New Hampshire and has passed Hillary Clinton as the Democratic front-runner. And in another new poll, zero percent of Hillary's staffers wanted to be the one to bring her that news. –Jimmy Fallon
Things might be slowing down a bit for Donald Trump. He recently dropped nine points in some of the latest polls. When he heard that, Trump said, “Oh no. Was it everything I said?” –Jimmy Fallon



Wednesday, August 12, 2015

And if there’s anything Trump and Fox are great at..



Donald Trump said today that he has made up with Fox News over his controversial comments toward Megyn Kelly. And if there’s anything Trump and Fox are great at, it’s making things up. –Seth Meyers
Hillary Clinton pushed back against Donald Trump's claim that she went to his wedding because of his donations and said she actually attended because she thought, "It'd be fun." Added Hillary, “Am I saying that right — Fun?” –Seth Meyers


A new bar in London specializes in something called "breathable booze."



The New York Jets have released a linebacker for breaking their quarterback's jaw in a fight in the locker room. In other words, the Jets finally get a player who can hit and they release him. –Conan O’Brien
A new bar in London specializes in something called "breathable booze." As we called that growing up in my house, standing next to uncle Patrick for five minutes. –Conan O’Brien


It's the only race left that he hasn't offended yet



According to an online poll, Donald Trump is still the front-runner in the Republican primary race. It's very impressive because it's the only race left that he hasn't offended yet. –Jimmy Fallon
A new poll shows that Hillary Clinton is only six points ahead of Bernie Sanders. Today a very confident Hillary said, "Oh, please. Like I'm going to lose the Democratic nomination to a left-wing senator nobody's ever heard of?" –Conan O’Brien


Cash it quick!



A PAC supporting Hillary Clinton just received an anonymous donation of $1 million. Which means that if she wins any of us can say that it was us that gave her the million bucks and hit her up for a favor. –Jimmy Fallon
What’s really interesting is that this million-dollar donation from an anonymous donor came just two weeks after Hillary spoke out against, quote, “the endless flow of secret, unaccountable money” into campaigns. Then she said, "Starting now! Unaccountable money is awful. Cash it quick!" –Jimmy Fallon


Tuesday, August 11, 2015

The Taming of the Shroom



Bernie Sanders drew over 20,000 people to his campaign event in Portland this weekend. Sounds impressive, but remember, it’s Portland. You can draw a crowd of 20,000 people with a Frisbee. –Seth Meyers
Artifacts found in William Shakespeare's home suggest he may have been a marijuana user. Apparently he was doing a couple of drugs because he also had a rough draft of "The Taming of the Shroom." –Conan O’Brien


To be, or not to be . . . Wait, what was the question?




During the earlier debate, Rick Perry said that if he were elected he would "tear up" the nuclear agreement with Iran. Then Obama had it laminated just to mess with him. –Jimmy Fallon
A new report claims that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user and may have been high when he wrote some of his plays. Which explains that one line: “To be, or not to be . . . Wait, what was the question?” –Jimmy Fallon

Well, you're really helping THIS woman.



After being accused of making sexist comments about Republican debate moderator Megyn Kelly, Donald Trump went on CNN yesterday and said, “I cherish women. I want to help women.” Then Hillary said, “Well, you're really helping THIS woman.” –Jimmy Fallon
A top aide to Donald Trump says he quit the campaign this weekend because of Trump's public feuds, but Trump said he was fired. When asked what he was fired for, Trump said, “Quitting!” –Jimmy Fallon


Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor



One of the candidates at the early GOP debate, George Pataki, said his routine before every debate is to drink a diet lemon Snapple iced tea and pray. Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor. –Jimmy Fallon
A clothing company is making T-shirts inspired by Bernie Sanders with messages like “Feel the Bern.” They were gonna make them for Lincoln Chafee too, but no one wants to wear a shirt that says “Feel the Chafee.” –Jimmy Fallon
At a recent education summit, President Obama admitted that he can’t rap. When they heard, Americans said, “Good!” –Jimmy Fallon


Saturday, August 8, 2015

If that’s the most sexist thing that happens in football this year, it's a pretty good year



A woman who just celebrated her 110th birthday credits her longevity to drinking lots of beer and Johnny Walker. Technically, her liver's 110. The woman herself is 43. --Conan O’Brien
Tonight was the first Republican primary debate. If you missed it, just imagine your uncle at Thanksgiving dinner, and then multiply by 10. –Seth Meyers
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are being accused of sexism over a new campaign to target female fans by providing simplified explanations of basic rules. But if that’s the most sexist thing that happens in football this year, it's a pretty good year. –Seth Meyers


It's the same game plan used by his barber



The big Republican debate is tonight. Everyone is curious what Donald Trump's going to do, right? Political analysts say Trump's game plan is to wing it and see what happens. It's the same game plan used by his barber. --Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump said prior to the debate that he wants to be very civil. He said that instead of referring to all Hispanics as criminals, he'll call them criminal Americans. --Conan O’Brien


If he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property



Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property. –Conan O’Brien

Tonight is the first Republican debate over on Fox News. The moderator, Chris Wallace, said there's “so doggone many” candidates, and that he planned on asking them some “doozies.” He would've said more but he had to go back to the soda shop he works at in 1954. –Jimmy Fallon



Thursday, August 6, 2015

There was a time when you COULD do that?



Delta and United Airlines announced this week that they will no longer allow passengers to transport animals that they killed on hunting trips. Which begs the question: "There was a time when you COULD do that?" –Jimmy Fallon 
The Republican presidential debate is tomorrow night. People have already come up with drinking games for it. The most popular game is the one where you skip the debate and go out drinking. –Conan O’Brien
Among the debaters tomorrow night is Ben Carson who is a neurosurgeon. Carson says he's not there to debate, he's there to diagnose exactly what's wrong with Donald Trump. –Conan O’Brien


Trump's hair and makeup team should be getting started right about now



Tomorrow night is the first Republican debate. Which means Donald Trump's hair and makeup team should be getting started right about now. –Jimmy Fallon
The debate rules state that the highest-polling candidate is given the middle podium, which means Donald Trump will be center stage tomorrow night. Well, that and the fact that he was going to stand there anyway. –Jimmy Fallon


Wednesday, August 5, 2015

She also knows what it's like to damage someone's organs in less than 30 seconds



Ben from Ben & Jerry's has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, "After all we've been through together?" –Conan O’Brien
UFC champion Ronda Rousey will be the next model for Carl's Jr. Carl's Jr. chose Rousey because she also knows what it's like to damage someone's organs in less than 30 seconds. –Conan O’Brien