How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship? (urine samples)

In "Extant" Halle Berry plays an astronaut who mysteriously winds up pregnant after a space mission. The series will answer the question: How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship?—Craig Ferguson

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. —Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And that's just to clean the bathrooms (he knows all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody)

Before he met Putin, Trump was in the U.K., where he met Queen

Elizabeth. It got off to a bumpy start when the first thing Trump

told the queen was that he knows all the words to “Bohemian

Rhapsody.” --Jimmy Fallon

New York and New Jersey officials have agreed to reconstruct the Port Authority Bus Terminal here in New York, and the project will cost an estimated $10 to $15 billion. And that's just to clean the bathrooms. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm just going to keep saying this (plus 36 weeks vacation time)

Senator Lindsey Graham has died. When asked by a news host whether we know the full story about his death, Trump said: “Well, I think we do. We have great doctors and they talked about, you know, a certain part of his body literally blew up.” It’s actually a fairly common cause of death. We all remember when Queen Elizabeth II died after her vagina went boom. —Michael Kosta 

Shortly after Lindsey  Graham’s passing, it was announced that his sister Darline Graham would be his interim replacement in the Senate. A Senate seat? That’s an inheritance jackpot! Most people just get a garage full of damp boxes. —Michael Kosta

Darline Graham’s qualifications differ from those normally expected of Senate members, with a job history that has focused on government agencies helping the blind. She is currently president-elect of the national council of state agencies to the blind. If anything, she’s overqualified. I’m worried she’ll make the other senators look bad, which would be embarrassing for the ones who know where they are right now. —Michael Kosta

Let’s move on, because Lindsey’s sister will have her work cut out for her for the next five months, plus 36 weeks vacation time. —Michael Kosta

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently, up until this point, she's just been shoplifting (mosquitos)

Queen Elizabeth today learned how to use a self-service check-out at a supermarket's 105th birthday celebration. Apparently, up until this point, she's just been shoplifting. --Seth Meyers

Officials in Japan have begun criticizing President Trump's state visit later this month following reports that Trump would be given a chair to sit on while attending a sumo-wrestling tournament rather than following the traditional custom of sitting on the floor. Hey, that's just how he is. When Melania gave birth, he took the bed. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

It's the first time Trump has met with a woman this often, and not paid her $130,000 (he knows all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody)

Before he met Putin, Trump was in the U.K., where he met Queen Elizabeth. It got off to a bumpy start when the first thing Trump told the queen was that he knows all the words to “Bohemian Rhapsody.” --Jimmy Fallon

Next week Trump is hosting German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the White House for the second time. This is so historic. It's the first time Trump has met with a woman this often, and not paid her $130,000. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Officials are looking for a surfer who likes to hang five (Be aware she can move in any direction)

A federal judge just struck down an Arkansas law that required public schools to display the Ten Commandments. According to the judge, seeing the Ten Commandments in the classroom made teachers feel creepy during sex. —Greg Gutfeld

A prosthetic leg and a surfboard were among items located in the LA Metro systems lost and found. Officials are looking for a surfer who likes to hang five. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she’s now co-starring in the next Nicolas Cage movie (New York values)

At last week’s Republican debate, Ted Cruz accused Donald Trump of having "New York values." Trump said that’s ridiculous, then, overcharged Cruz for a bagel. –Conan O’Brien

"The royal family has reportedly burned through its money and is now strapped for cash. In fact, Queen Elizabeth needs money so badly she’s now co-starring in the next Nicolas Cage movie." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver (Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us)

"The George W. Bush library design was unveiled this week by former First Lady Laura Bush. Did you know that she was a librarian when she first met George? Did you know that? In fact, she's the only thing he ever checked out of a library." –Jay Leno

"There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us." –Jay Leno

"A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

choosing to just stay in the womb and chill (he had no idea he was playing golf)

Health officials say there’s a new trend of women using marijuana during their pregnancy. This has given rise to another new trend — babies choosing to just stay in the womb and chill. –Conan O’Brien

Today, Queen Elizabeth stepped down as the patron of children’s charities. The queen said, “I just realized I really hate kids.” –Conan O’Brien

In Florida, a 98-year-old man shot a hole-in-one. The 98-year-old was shocked, mostly because he had no idea he was playing golf. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Crap, did I sleep with CNN? (So he’s available?)

It was reported recently that Prince Harry will opt out of the royal family's annual pheasant shoot due to his wife Meghan Markle's love of animals. Said Queen Elizabeth, "Oh, you misunderstood. We're shooting peasants." --Jimmy Fallon

Jacksonville Jaguars coach Gus Bradley was fired yesterday after the team lost nine games in a row. Or as the Cleveland Browns put it, “So he’s available?” –Jimmy Fallon

This morning, CNN filed a lawsuit against President Trump. When he found out, Trump was furious. He was like, "Crap, did I sleep with CNN?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So for now, we just address him as Boy George (She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's)

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's book is out today. Arnold's book reveals

all the secrets he kept from his wife. That's why it's a million pages

long." –Craig Ferguson

"The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'" –Craig Ferguson

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. —Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who does she think she is, herself? (What Pet Should I Get)

According to Vanity Fair, the Queen of England has four alcoholic beverages every day, including a glass of champagne before bed. Champagne before bed?! Who does she think she is, herself? –Seth Meyers

A new book by Dr. Seuss came out today called "What Pet Should I Get." He was inspired to write it when his wife said, “I want a baby.” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I get the hint, Charles! (a bottle of wine and a straw)

And Teacher Appreciation Day is a great time to give your teacher a card or an apple or what they really deserve — a bottle of wine and a straw. --Jimmy Fallon

This week, the emperor of Japan is giving up the throne. If you want to know more, just read the 50 articles about it that Prince Charles taped to the Queen's fridge. "I get the hint, Charles!" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, that just happened (10 poorest states)

The Royal wedding is just three days away! Which means in just three days, the world will finally get to see the queen do the Electric Slide. --Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron became the youngest president in French history. You can tell he’s young ’cause after they swore him in, his first words in his speech were, “So, that just happened.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And not 2,000 years too soon (All I see is a cougar)

Queen Elizabeth was spotted driving herself home from church yesterday in a Jaguar. A Jaguar? [leers at photo of queen] All I see is a cougar. –Seth Meyers

Pope Francis has announced new rules designed to change how the Catholic Church deals with abuse accusations. And not 2,000 years too soon. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Apparently, up until this point, she's just been shoplifting (obedience)

Queen Elizabeth today learned how to use a self-service check-out at a supermarket's 105th birthday celebration. Apparently, up until this point, she's just been shoplifting. --Seth Meyers

Scientists claim to have succeeded transplanting a memory from the brain of one sea snail and implanting it into another. Or, more likely, snails live pretty similar lives. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fairness, I celebrated “A Day Without Women” all through my 20s (Grandma Sugar)

Tomorrow, there’s a protest across the country known as “A Day Without Women.” In fairness, I celebrated “A Day Without Women” all through my 20s. –Conan O’Brien

It's been reported that Britain's Queen Elizabeth has made over $9 million betting on horse racing. When asked to comment, Queen Elizabeth said, "That's nothing! I've won $20 million on dog fighting." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Queen Elizabeth needs money so badly she’s now co-starring in the next Nicolas Cage movie (truck nuts)

It is so cold in the midwest that truck nuts have actually moved up inside the truck. --Conan O’Brien

"The royal family has reportedly burned through its money and is now strapped for cash. In fact, Queen Elizabeth needs money so badly she’s now co-starring in the next Nicolas Cage movie." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So You're Telling Me (Boy George)

"The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'" –Craig Ferguson

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. —Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver (the psychological war of 2021)

"Newt Gingrich has released a new ad attacking Mitt Romney because he knows how to speak French. Well Mitt Romney is not the only one. Jon Huntsman speaks Chinese and Rick Perry speaks gibberish." –Jay Leno

"A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”