And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.' (a car alarm stuffed inside a rotting pumpkin)

"Chris Christie gave the keynote address. In his speech he said the word 'I' 37 times, 'Romney' 7 times, and 'jobs' only once. And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.'" –Conan O'Brien

Both candidates are practicing for the debates, and according to insiders, Hillary Clinton is still trying to find a stand-in for Donald Trump. So far the best she’s come up with is a car alarm stuffed inside a rotting pumpkin. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Joy of Whitewashing (they must also be comfortable with confined spaces)

Over the weekend Bill Clinton posted an ad seeking an intern for “special projects”. Applicants for the position must be familiar in at least three positions, plus they must also be comfortable with confined spaces. —Greg Gutfeld 

Hillary Clinton also posted an ad for an intern as well saying applicants must also be proficient in strangling. —Greg Gutfeld 

Many women are grudgingly consenting to ‘mercy sex’ despite having no erotic feelings toward their husbands. This according to a survey of MSNow hosts. —Greg Gutfeld   

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image (You were warned)

It was a historic night. We're either going to have our first female president, or the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image. –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She is ahead by 98 points with voters who went to Trump University (But wait there’s more . . )

Donald Trump is now leading Hillary Clinton by 28 points with white voters without a college degree. However, Hillary is ahead by 98 points with voters who went to Trump University. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday at the DNC, Elizabeth Warren said, "Trump's entire campaign is just one more late-night Trump infomercial." Trump called her "stupid" then said, "But wait there’s more . . ." –Conan O’Brien

President Trump tweeted that his son Donald Jr. is "open, transparent, and innocent." Unfortunately those are three things you don’t want to be when you go to prison. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I Can’t Believe This Is Necessary (Now where’s my check?)

Tonight, President Obama is going to make a speech trying to convince people to vote for Hillary Clinton instead of Donald Trump. It’s a speech entitled, "I Can’t Believe This Is Necessary." --Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention this evening. And there was an awkward moment when she finished the speech and said, "Now where’s my check?" –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'll take gold over what was all over the walls when Bill was president (Hillary Clinton’s book tour)

Hillary Clinton says the gold decorations all over the walls in the Trump White House remind her of Saddam Hussein's palaces in Baghdad. Well, say what you want, Hillary, but I'll take gold over what was all over the walls when Bill was president. —Greg Gutfeld 

Finally, murders continue to be on a historic decline despite there being spikes in eight cities, which for some reason all seem to align with Hillary Clinton’s book tour. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Doctors say his tail will grow back in no time (he's more like Bill)

James Carville made a video letting everyone know he's recovering from surgery. Doctors say his tail will grow back in no time. —Greg Gutfeld 

And finally, a portrait of President Trump made of horse poop has sold for $1,800 in Canada. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden's poop made into a horse sold for $18,000. —Greg Gutfeld  

CNN compared Abdul El-Sayed to Hillary Clinton. In reality, he's more like Bill since they both dream about being with 72 virgins. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My husband has become a liability (the first cool-down comic in history)

President Trump started his comedy routine by rambling on about his stupid ballroom thereby icing his own crowd which makes him the first cool-down comic in history. —Seth Meyers

Is Trump good for comedy, well he’s better for it than he is at it. —Seth Meyers

Fox pundits attempted to defend the performance by saying those in the room were being bad sports for not laughing. You wanted people to laugh but my question is when and at what joke? In order for you to take a joke, you have to make a joke. —Seth Meyers

“You can both hear a pin drop and see people who look like they just sat on a pin.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What are the odds? (he told me to open my mouth and say oink)

A Florida man was arrested for stealing a truck filled with $75,000 worth of Campbell’s Soup. I for one hope this guy goes away for Mmm-Mmm good. —Norm Macdonald

Hey news media leave Kim Kardashian alone will you. She's pregnant, of course she's gonna she's going to gain weight. And if anyone knows about rapid weight gain it's me. You know I went to see the doctor about it and he told me to open my mouth and say oink. —Norm Macdonald

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It has also been hired as the newest correspondent on 60 Minutes (It was supposed to be my war with Russia!)

The largest complete T Rex skeleton just sold at auction and it’s 67 million years old. It has also been hired as the newest correspondent on 60 Minutes. —Tom Shillue 

A Florida man is being ordered to undergo a psychosexual evaluation after being caught having sex with the vacuum cleaner, even worse he was cheating on his blender at the time. —Tom Shillue. 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed (he did bring enough for everyone)

Bernie Sanders won last night's Oregon Democratic primary and this was a surprise. Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed. –Seth Meyers

Police in Philadelphia are investigating after a 5-year-old boy walked into his preschool class holding about two dozen vials of crack cocaine. In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I didn’t know she gave speeches (I just bagged Catherine Zeta-Jones)

Michael Douglas met with lawmakers and he urged the United States and Russia to reduce their stockpiles of nuclear weapons. Apparently Douglas pleaded by saying it is more important than ever that we don't destroy the planet because I just bagged Catherine Zeta-Jones. --Conan O’Brien 3/22/2000

According to Forbes magazine, in the past year Taylor Swift has earned $170 million. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, "I didn’t know she gave speeches." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it (freestyle w*terboarding)

"Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056." –David Letterman

"The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is all excited about the 2016 Olympics. He's really looking forward to the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ve had these speeches memorized since I was six (fermented palm sap)

Disney World announced they are finally serving alcohol at every restaurant in the Magic Kingdom. Parents will say, "These giant teacups are spinning too fast," and the kids will be like, "We are not even on the ride yet." --Jimmy Fallon

A new study says that chimpanzees occasionally drink too much fermented palm sap, which causes them to act drunk. Researchers could tell the chimps were drunk when one of them suggested karaoke.—Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump criticized Hillary Clinton over the weekend, claiming that her views are “just words” read off a teleprompter. But Hillary denied it, saying, “I’ve had these speeches memorized since I was six.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wrote a poem for you (Mike Metaphor)

Hillary Clinton unveiled her technology plan which would offer broadband internet access to all Americans. Then she quickly added, "Except for my husband." –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, Donald Trump gave a speech at an industrial plant while standing in front of a giant wall of trash. Before the speech, Trump welcomed his new campaign manager, Mike Metaphor. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The largest, loudest display of fireworks in DC history (Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party)

The largest, loudest display of fireworks in DC history is set to go off on July 4th, beating the time Bill told Hillary, "I didn't know she was 17.” —Greg Gutfeld 

A Catholic priest says he saw a woman hurl a man 15 feet in the air like a rag doll during an exorcism. He was later told he accidentally walked in on the Obama's honeymoon. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she no longer believes cows are sacred (she blames herself)

JD Vance has been on a media tour promoting his book about Catholicism. And last year he said that he hopes his Hindu wife Usha converts to Christianity. And now there is hope. Once Usha saw her husband on The View, she no longer believes cows are sacred. —Greg Gutfeld 

During an event in New York City, Hillary Clinton criticized Joe Biden's decision to run again in 2024. She said, "I blame myself for not strangling him first.” —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In unrelated news, happy 300th birthday to Hillary Clinton (three tons of party ice)

Officials in Australia have seized 100,000 cockroaches from a breeder that are prized as food for reptiles. So now what am I supposed to eat? asked James Carville. —Greg Gutfeld

A half million dollars worth of bourbon was stolen from a Philadelphia warehouse. In a related story, Kamala Harris was just spotted buying three tons of party ice? —Greg Gutfeld 

A surprising medical study found that quote being a [ __ ] actually boosts a woman's immune system. In unrelated news, happy 300th birthday to Hillary Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Other than that, I had a great weekend in Miami (home wreckers)

A man was arrested for exposing himself outside a Florida Taco Bell. Other than that, I had a great weekend in Miami. —Greg Gutfeld 

Hillary Clinton re recently complained about all the White House construction for the upcoming UFC event. I guess she's really sensitive about home wreckers. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in (You know she’s just going to blow it on ‘Nip)

Yesterday 16 states sued the president over his emergency declaration to build a border wall. 16 states. That’s two more than Hillary campaigned in. --Stephen Colbert

After the death of Karl Lagerfeld, his internet famous cat, Choupette is set to inherit Lagerfeld’s $150 Million Pound fortune. It’s so irresponsible to give a cat that much money. You know she’s just going to blow it on ‘Nip. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”