Flowers, dinner, dancing, a little love making (speaking in full sentences)

On Monday, Hillary Clinton will turn 79. Bill has the whole day planned out. Flowers, dinner, dancing, a little love making, and then home to Hillary. —Greg Gutfeld 

The woman who survived two botched lethal injections in Tennessee is now speaking in full sentences, immediately leapfrogging Kamala Harris for the Democratic 2028 presidential nomination. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Ma'am, I just asked you to walk a straight line (strange women lying in ponds)

An AI model is being designed to decipher electrical signals to prove it's possible to communicate with trees, upsetting Hillary Clinton, who can no longer k*ll people in the woods. —Greg Gutfeld

In a speech, Kamala Harris said, "Never let anybody else's limited ability to see your capacity to be a limitation on your ambition." Then the cop said, "Ma'am, I just asked you to walk a straight line.” —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You can't hear a picture (Where am I?)

NYU professor Scott Galloway claimed on his podcast that America is hopelessly sexist, stating that Hillary Clinton would have been president if she only had a p*nis. Well, that's not true because according to liberals, she'd still be a woman. —Greg Gutfeld 

After surviving two botched execution attempts, death row inmate Christa Pike's first words were, "Where am I?” The doctor joked, saying, "You're in hell." And pointed to a TV showing Fox and Friends. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Isn't that the fun of it? (last meal)

Former President Bill Clinton said the CIA abandoned a plan to kill Bin Laden before 9/11 over fears that innocent civilians could die. Hillary disagreed, saying, "Isn't that the fun of it?” —Greg Gutfeld 

For his last meal, Georgia death row inmate Stacy Humphrey requested brisket, ribs, a bacon cheeseburger, chicken wings, pizza, French fries, two kinds of ice cream, and two large sodas. After hearing the news, Chris Christie just slaughtered a family, turned himself in. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He has no idea what that means either (It's oversized and it's flawed)

"President Bush is in Austria. He's trying to convince European leaders to eliminate agricultural subsidies in order to promote global free trade. Yeah, he has no idea what that means either." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton has got a brand new diamond ring. A brand-new, huge, enormous diamond ring. It's oversized and it's flawed, just like her husband. The last time a Democrat had a stone that big, it was passed by Ted Kennedy." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So the next time he drives into a flag pole (I'll never financially recover from this purchase)

Tiger Woods surrendered his driver’s license for 5 years in a plea deal. So the next time he drives into a flag pole, he may actually be playing golf. —Joe Mackey 

Elon Musk claimed in 10 years we'll have 1 billion robots. Hillary Clinton said we won't need nearly that many if we can teach factory robots to strangle. —Joe Mackey 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

 “A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.' (a car alarm stuffed inside a rotting pumpkin)

"Chris Christie gave the keynote address. In his speech he said the word 'I' 37 times, 'Romney' 7 times, and 'jobs' only once. And then there was the 622 times he said the word 'ham.'" –Conan O'Brien

Both candidates are practicing for the debates, and according to insiders, Hillary Clinton is still trying to find a stand-in for Donald Trump. So far the best she’s come up with is a car alarm stuffed inside a rotting pumpkin. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Joy of Whitewashing (they must also be comfortable with confined spaces)

Over the weekend Bill Clinton posted an ad seeking an intern for “special projects”. Applicants for the position must be familiar in at least three positions, plus they must also be comfortable with confined spaces. —Greg Gutfeld 

Hillary Clinton also posted an ad for an intern as well saying applicants must also be proficient in strangling. —Greg Gutfeld 

Many women are grudgingly consenting to ‘mercy sex’ despite having no erotic feelings toward their husbands. This according to a survey of MSNow hosts. —Greg Gutfeld   

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image (You were warned)

It was a historic night. We're either going to have our first female president, or the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image. –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She is ahead by 98 points with voters who went to Trump University (But wait there’s more . . )

Donald Trump is now leading Hillary Clinton by 28 points with white voters without a college degree. However, Hillary is ahead by 98 points with voters who went to Trump University. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday at the DNC, Elizabeth Warren said, "Trump's entire campaign is just one more late-night Trump infomercial." Trump called her "stupid" then said, "But wait there’s more . . ." –Conan O’Brien

President Trump tweeted that his son Donald Jr. is "open, transparent, and innocent." Unfortunately those are three things you don’t want to be when you go to prison. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I Can’t Believe This Is Necessary (Now where’s my check?)

Tonight, President Obama is going to make a speech trying to convince people to vote for Hillary Clinton instead of Donald Trump. It’s a speech entitled, "I Can’t Believe This Is Necessary." --Conan O’Brien

Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention this evening. And there was an awkward moment when she finished the speech and said, "Now where’s my check?" –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'll take gold over what was all over the walls when Bill was president (Hillary Clinton’s book tour)

Hillary Clinton says the gold decorations all over the walls in the Trump White House remind her of Saddam Hussein's palaces in Baghdad. Well, say what you want, Hillary, but I'll take gold over what was all over the walls when Bill was president. —Greg Gutfeld 

Finally, murders continue to be on a historic decline despite there being spikes in eight cities, which for some reason all seem to align with Hillary Clinton’s book tour. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Doctors say his tail will grow back in no time (he's more like Bill)

James Carville made a video letting everyone know he's recovering from surgery. Doctors say his tail will grow back in no time. —Greg Gutfeld 

And finally, a portrait of President Trump made of horse poop has sold for $1,800 in Canada. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden's poop made into a horse sold for $18,000. —Greg Gutfeld  

CNN compared Abdul El-Sayed to Hillary Clinton. In reality, he's more like Bill since they both dream about being with 72 virgins. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My husband has become a liability (the first cool-down comic in history)

President Trump started his comedy routine by rambling on about his stupid ballroom thereby icing his own crowd which makes him the first cool-down comic in history. —Seth Meyers

Is Trump good for comedy, well he’s better for it than he is at it. —Seth Meyers

Fox pundits attempted to defend the performance by saying those in the room were being bad sports for not laughing. You wanted people to laugh but my question is when and at what joke? In order for you to take a joke, you have to make a joke. —Seth Meyers

“You can both hear a pin drop and see people who look like they just sat on a pin.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What are the odds? (he told me to open my mouth and say oink)

A Florida man was arrested for stealing a truck filled with $75,000 worth of Campbell’s Soup. I for one hope this guy goes away for Mmm-Mmm good. —Norm Macdonald

Hey news media leave Kim Kardashian alone will you. She's pregnant, of course she's gonna she's going to gain weight. And if anyone knows about rapid weight gain it's me. You know I went to see the doctor about it and he told me to open my mouth and say oink. —Norm Macdonald

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It has also been hired as the newest correspondent on 60 Minutes (It was supposed to be my war with Russia!)

The largest complete T Rex skeleton just sold at auction and it’s 67 million years old. It has also been hired as the newest correspondent on 60 Minutes. —Tom Shillue 

A Florida man is being ordered to undergo a psychosexual evaluation after being caught having sex with the vacuum cleaner, even worse he was cheating on his blender at the time. —Tom Shillue. 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed (he did bring enough for everyone)

Bernie Sanders won last night's Oregon Democratic primary and this was a surprise. Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed. –Seth Meyers

Police in Philadelphia are investigating after a 5-year-old boy walked into his preschool class holding about two dozen vials of crack cocaine. In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I didn’t know she gave speeches (I just bagged Catherine Zeta-Jones)

Michael Douglas met with lawmakers and he urged the United States and Russia to reduce their stockpiles of nuclear weapons. Apparently Douglas pleaded by saying it is more important than ever that we don't destroy the planet because I just bagged Catherine Zeta-Jones. --Conan O’Brien 3/22/2000

According to Forbes magazine, in the past year Taylor Swift has earned $170 million. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, "I didn’t know she gave speeches." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it (freestyle w*terboarding)

"Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056." –David Letterman

"The Bush Presidential Library is beautiful, and they have a huge section devoted to weapons of mass destruction, but nobody can find it." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney is all excited about the 2016 Olympics. He's really looking forward to the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ve had these speeches memorized since I was six (fermented palm sap)

Disney World announced they are finally serving alcohol at every restaurant in the Magic Kingdom. Parents will say, "These giant teacups are spinning too fast," and the kids will be like, "We are not even on the ride yet." --Jimmy Fallon

A new study says that chimpanzees occasionally drink too much fermented palm sap, which causes them to act drunk. Researchers could tell the chimps were drunk when one of them suggested karaoke.—Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump criticized Hillary Clinton over the weekend, claiming that her views are “just words” read off a teleprompter. But Hillary denied it, saying, “I’ve had these speeches memorized since I was six.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”