Don’t I get credit for anything? (three SpongeBob's)

Last night was the very first presidential debate and it lasted a full 90 minutes. Or as President Bush calls it three SpongeBob's. --Conan O’Brien 10/1/2004

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is in the news. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced this week that after he was elected he took a voluntary course on sexual harassment. Arnold says the sexual harassment class was a waste of time because quote, “I already know how to do it.” --Conan O’Brien 4/1/2004

This week, Sarah Palin said that God helped Donald Trump win the presidential election. When he heard this, a furious Satan said, “Don’t I get credit for anything?” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What have you done with Eisenhower? (He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger)

"Yesterday at the White House, President Obama took part in an online Q & A session with a group of senior citizens. The most common question the seniors asked Obama was, 'What have you done with Eisenhower?'" --Conan O'Brien

"The world's 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship? (urine samples)

In "Extant" Halle Berry plays an astronaut who mysteriously winds up pregnant after a space mission. The series will answer the question: How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship?—Craig Ferguson

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. —Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The five times the government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment (The cost to end world hunger)

"I'm sure you have heard by now, Bill Clinton is looking for 25 interns to work at his library. I was thinking about that, could you fit 25 interns of them in his library? Clinton says that anyone he hires must be good on the computer, good on the coffee table, good on top of the copy machine." --Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid said when her son was told that Schwarzenegger was his father he said 'cool.' It was a big improvement. Up to this point, the kid thought his father was Jean-Claude Van Damme." –Jay Leno

 

"I'm surprised Dick Cheney loves to hunt so much. The five times the government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't have that kind of range (in Minnesota, I’m considered black)

According to a latest poll California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval rating is down to 30%. After hearing this Arnold said I'm not gonna act all hurt and upset because I don't have that kind of range. --Conan O’Brien 11/10/2005

Minnesota’s Mall of America has hired its first-ever black Santa Claus. Which sounds like a big deal until you realize that in Minnesota, I’m considered black. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's worth nothing! (rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet)

 

"John McCain arrived in Minnesota today. The last time McCain stopped in that state he was shooting buffalo from a train, so it's been a while." --Jay Leno

"This bird flu is scary. Are you frightened by this? I spent an hour last night rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet." --Jay Leno

"Today is the day we celebrate Dr. King's birthday. I'm not quite sure President Bush understands this. When he was told it's Dr. King's birthday, he said, 'Larry's a doctor?' And did you hear what happened in Sacramento? Arnold Schwarzenegger celebrated by crashing his motorcycle into Al Sharpton." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He called for a 10-foot fence to be built around Hollywood (Oops! All My Fault!)

"Looks like some kind of civil war is brewing in Iraq. Well, who could have seen that coming? That came out of left field, huh? They say it is total chaos over there. People are roaming the streets with guns. It's like everyone is Dick Cheney now." --Jay Leno

"Well, folks, it looks like California's about to legalize marijuana. Yeah, yeah. You thought Governor Schwarzenegger was hard to understand before." –Jay Leno

 

"You know what's amazing? All the acting Oscars went to foreigners. Foreigners won everything. In fact, today, Lou Dobbs called for a 10-foot fence to be built around Hollywood." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What's the only job worse than disposing of nuclear waste? (and cross it deliberately)

Minnesota’s Mall of America has hired its first-ever black Santa Claus. Which sounds like a big deal until you realize that in Minnesota, I’m considered black. –Conan O’Brien

According to MSNBC Britney Spears recently hired a person to keep an eye on Kevin Federline 24 hours a day. Which answers the question: what's the only job worse than disposing of nuclear waste. --Conan O’Brien 5/4/2006

According to the latest poll California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval rating is down to 30%. After hearing this Arnold said I'm not gonna act all hurt and upset because I don't have that kind of range. --Conan O’Brien 11/10/2005

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So for now, we just address him as Boy George (She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's)

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's book is out today. Arnold's book reveals

all the secrets he kept from his wife. That's why it's a million pages

long." –Craig Ferguson

"The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as 'Boy George.'" –Craig Ferguson

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's. —Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad (plus you get the entire playoff season off)

"Arnold Schwarzenegger was on '60 Minutes' promoting his book. He said you can't run from your mistakes. You have to confront them. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad." –Conan O'Brien

There’s a rumor that the Lakers are trying to sign LeBron James. They’re telling him, "The weather in L.A. is great, plus as a Laker, you get the entire playoff season off." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

after years of touching Canada (They blamed others)

"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson, May 2009

"It's Arnold Schwarzenegger's birthday. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and his families." –Craig Ferguson

"The Murdochs testified before parliament and did something that not many powerful people would have the courage to do: They blamed others." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true (But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise!)

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true. --Seth Meyers

Discovery Channel is promoting its upcoming Shark Week by promising to have Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps race a great white shark. But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise! –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Is 28% still technically an approval rating? (the kid thought his father was Jean-Claude Van Damme)

"President Bush's approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 28%. Here's my question: Is 28% still technically an approval rating?" --Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid said when her son was told that Schwarzenegger was his father he said 'cool.' It was a big improvement. Up to this point, the kid thought his father was Jean-Claude Van Damme." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

She was a devoted wife and mother to at least 40 percent of his children (Bazinga)

A lot of fans weren't happy with how Game of Thrones ended. They're complaining about the writing. I'm not saying their writers ran out of ideas, but I thought it was odd that Jon Snow's final line was, "Bazinga." --Jimmy Fallon

"Turns out that Maria Shriver could end up with 100,000,000 dollars from her divorce from Arnold. She deserves it. She was a devoted wife and mother to at least 40 percent of his children." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, it sounds like somebody had a hell of a weekend (and you thought he was hard to understand before)

"Well, folks, it looks like California's about to legalize marijuana. Yeah, yeah. You thought Governor Schwarzenegger was hard to understand before." –Jay Leno

"Jerry Sanders, the mayor of San Diego, said this week his views on gay marriage have evolved over time. He said he used to be against gay marriage, but now he's in favor of it. So, it sounds like somebody had a hell of a weekend." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true (designated drivers)

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true. --Seth Meyers

A Canadian woman was arrested for having an open container of liquor while driving Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s SUV. Although when Rob Ford’s in the car, anyone not smoking crack is legally considered a designated driver. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He can’t resist a lady holding a mop (And that’s the power of prayer)

In London, someone stole 22 metric tons of award-winning cheese. “Did someone say cheese,” said Chris Christie. —Greg Gutfeld

Later this month, the McRib will return to select McDonald’s restaurants. “And that’s the power of prayer,” said Chris Christie. —Greg Gutfeld

Arnold Schwarzenegger has endorsed Kamala Harris for president. Kamala said if elected president she would clean house, and we all know that Schwarzenegger can’t resist a lady holding a mop. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

butcher the English language in a way that can never be duplicated (the 'family values' candidate)

 

"Hillary Clinton's opponent in the U.S. Senate race, Rudy Giuliani, the Republican she's going to be running against, has been married three times, had an affair with his chief of staff, had two kids with her while still married to his second wife. This is the first time in history that a Clinton is the 'family values' candidate." --Jay Leno

"President Bush and Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger are meeting here in California tomorrow. Their goal: To butcher the English language in a way that can never be duplicated." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's why it's a million pages long (I'm going as Congress)

"Arnold Schwarzenegger's book is out today. Arnold's book reveals all the secrets he kept from his wife. That's why it's a million pages long." –Craig Ferguson

"A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don't fake-sneeze just to get an easy blessing out of the Pope (This is great news — wait, WHAT?!)

On Friday, Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped in Germany by a police officer for riding a bicycle through a train station. Schwarzenegger may have gone unnoticed if he hadn't been frantically ringing the bell and shouting, "Get out of the way if you want to live!" –Jimmy Fallon

I read that after facing protests, Whole Foods announced that it will no longer sell food that has been prepared by prison inmates. Customers were like, “This is great news — wait, WHAT?!” –Jimmy Fallon

In addition to the “no shaking hands,” Congress was given a lot of rules about the Pope's visit. First, there’s "Don't fake-sneeze just to get an easy blessing out of the Pope." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”