When events happen, we’re at most one country away (Oh, I can explain: he lies)

While many members of the press were there to cover Trump’s China visit, a CBS journalist failed to get a visa in time and had to cover from Taiwan instead. This fits into the CBS slogan: “When events happen, we’re at most one country away.” —Stephen Colbert

This week, it was reported that Iran is much stronger than Trump claims. Oh, I can explain: he lies. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jimmy Dore: Jokes of the Week - September 12, 2014

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Mission accomplished … in a manner of speaking (once they get the wheels back)

The Ford Motor Company announced it's giving the Pope a custom Explorer. It was built in Chicago, and the Pope will receive it once they get the wheels back. —Greg Gutfeld 

The war with Iran is costing $6 Billion a day. Still, President Trump told CBS News: “I think the war is very complete … pretty much.” Yes, very complete, pretty much. Just like that famous banner: Mission accomplished … in a manner of speaking. —Stephen Colbert 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

just ahead of a gun wearing a cowboy hat (a real snausage fest)

"A new CBS News poll shows Chris Christie is ranked ninth out of all Republican presidential candidates. He's just behind Bobby Jindal and just ahead of a gun wearing a cowboy hat." –Seth Meyers

Today was International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day. There’s a party later tonight, but I heard it’s going to be a real snausage fest. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What's this about explosive head? (it had nothing to do with deli meat)

So, Sunday night on CBS, they aired the Golden Globes. It's the only award show named after Sydney Sweeney's chest. —Greg Gutfeld

Winning for best picture was a movie called Hamnet, though Chris Christie was disappointed to find out it had nothing to do with deli meat. —Greg Gutfeld 

The US reportedly incapacitated Venezuelan troops with a sonic weapon that one survivor described as feeling like his head was exploding from the inside. "What's this about explosive head?" asked Bill Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Watching it, on the other hand… (Oh, the Epstein story is fake?)

“Donald Trump delivered an impromptu fireside chat during the season finales of Survivor and The Floor. It’s a really big deal for networks to just hand over their primetime slots on such short notice, especially because here, at CBS, his 9pm speech cuts right into the middle of the three-hour Survivor season finale. Unless that’s the final challenge – ‘Survivors, you’ve endured starvation, extreme heat and poisonous snakes. But for your final challenge, you must listen to a bitter old man talk about a ballroom.’ —Stephen Colbert

Trump announced only on Tuesday that he would deliver an impromptu fireside chat during the season finales of Survivor and The Floor. It’s weird to think that had a couple of states just gone the other way, he’d be hosting one of those shows. Trump shouldn’t be pre-empting The Floor. He should be mopping it. —Jimmy  Kimmel

“It seems like even Trump might have felt uncertain about his performance because after the combative address, the president reportedly turned to the press and said: “You think that’s easy?” “Giving that speech? Yeah, I do. “Watching it, on the other hand …” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

that is assuming I make it past tomorrow's death panel interview (enhanced quail hunting)

"But according to a newly released memo from the CIA, they used horrible torture techniques on prisoners. Dick Cheney claimed that it wasn't torture. Enhanced interrogation techniques, that's what he called it. And he didn't shoot that guy in the face. No, no, that was enhanced quail hunting." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, I didn't even realize this until this morning, Sunday will be the 16th anniversary of Paul and myself doing the show here at CBS. Sixteen. And that is assuming I make it past tomorrow's death panel interview." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it (the most embarrassing member of the Bush family)

President Trump’s approval rating has sunk to near-historic lows. According to a new Quinnipiac poll, his approval rating is down to 36 percent. If it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it. –Jimmy Kimmel

Dr. Ben Carson, for the first time ever, leads Donald Trump in a new national poll. According to the new CBS News/New York Times poll, Carson at 26 percent, Trump is in second place with 22 percent. Jeb Bush only has 7 percent. Jeb Bush has officially become the most embarrassing member of the Bush family, even below Billy Bush. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Out of how many? (giving up)

According to a new CBS poll, President Trump’s approval rating is just 36 percent. Said Trump, “Out of how many?” –Seth Meyers

A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he did bravely fight off all five of the Army’s attempts to draft him (I hope they can get used to doing nothing)

Eric Trump appeared on CBS "This Morning" today and defended his father's ongoing feud with the family of a veteran, saying, “What I think this country needs is a fighter.” And to Donald Trump’s credit, he did bravely fight off all five of the Army’s attempts to draft him. –Seth Meyers

"Today marks the last day before Congress takes its summer recess. They're taking five weeks off. Five weeks. I hope they can get used to doing nothing." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wow. $100 million worth of writers must have really paid off (I stepped up and banged his wife)

It was one year ago today that President Biden dropped out of the 2024 campaign. Time flies when you're dead. Meanwhile, his son Hunter unleashed on George Clooney and the Democrats for being disloyal to his father, adding, “I know about loyalty. When my brother died, I stepped up and banged his wife.” —Greg Gutfeld

Since Colbert's firing, Jon Stewart told CBS to go f yourself and Colbert told Trump to go f yourself. Wow. $100 million worth of writers must have really paid off. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

CBS says they'll replace it with something funnier (rekindle the fires of human dignity)

Speaking of, CBS announced they are indeed ending the late night comedy show, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert next year. Fans were shocked. They had no idea it was comedy. And truly, it was a rough day for the show's viewer. Meanwhile, CBS says they'll replace it with something funnier. Two episodes of Forensic Files. —Greg Gutfeld

Jimmy Kimmel blasted the decision with a foul-mouthed post on Instagram. He would have done it on his show, but he wanted people to see it. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

practice for later (freeze tag)

Bill Belichick’s 24-year-old girlfriend was criticized for repeatedly interrupting his interview on CBS Sunday Morning. She also pulled the plugs of several cameras which she called practice for later. —Greg Gutfeld

The White House Correspondent's Dinner was on Saturday and it might have been the most low energy event since Joe Biden challenged Mitch McConnell to a game of freeze tag. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Surprised but grateful (How'd Those People Get Beyond the Gates?)

Two people at a movie theater in Washington state watching Captain America Brave New World, were surprised when the theater ceiling collapsed on them. Surprised but grateful. —Colin Jost

CBS This week premiered the first daytime black soap opera called Beyond the Gates, and also a crossover white soap opera called How'd Those People Get Beyond the Gates? —Colin Jost

Dunkin’ Donuts announced that it will stop charging you more money if you ask for plant based milk in your coffee, but they will keep calling you a p*ssy. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It makes sense, we all knew that pole was nuttier than a ****pick from Mr. Peanut (Pelosi's face/Cheney's heart)

Thanks to Trump's lawsuit against CBS, the network had to release the full transcript of the Kamala Harris interview they did before the election. And the interview got more surgery than Nancy Pelosi's face and Dick Cheney's heart combined. —Greg Gutfeld

Meanwhile Trump just settled with ABC news for 15 million, Meta just settled with him for 25 million and CBS parent company Paramount is reportedly considering a similar payout. Pretty soon Trump will be able to afford Bret Baier’s house. —Greg Gutfeld

Trump also sued the Des Moines Register and veteran pollster Ann Selzer for claiming Kamla was leading him in the Iowa polls. It makes sense, we all knew that pole was nuttier than a ****pick from Mr. Peanut. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Medical personnel credit his hard shell (mold allergies)

Mitch McConnell is reportedly fine after falling down the stairs. Medical personnel credit his hard shell. —Greg Gutfeld

Daniel Penny has landed a new job in finance at a major firm. They already have a sign up that says if choking do not let Daniel apply the Heimlich. —Greg Gutfeld

CBS has released their full unedited 60 Minute interview with Kamala Harris. Apparently they left out a part where Kamala said she was allergic to mold, which could explain why you rarely saw her standing next to Joe Biden. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I've changed my mind on immigrants (Choke him out, Jeeves)

Last night was the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on CBS, and it featured models from Brazil, Sweden, and Brazil, Sweden,. Or as Donald Trump put it, “I've changed my mind on immigrants.” –Jimmy Fallon

“In his forthcoming book, Prince Harry claims that Prince William once knocked him to the floor during an argument about Meghan. Apparently the fight happened at the Buckingham Waffle Palace. It's fun when royals fight 'cause they keep their pinkies out. Harry was shocked because usually when they fight, they just stand back and tell their butlers what to do. ‘Now, perhaps a knee to the groin.’ ‘Choke him out, Jeeves.’”  —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He did the entire interview with the lens cap on (Out of how many?)

According to a new CBS poll, President Trump’s approval rating is just 36 percent. Said Trump, “Out of how many?” –Seth Meyers

According to a new nationwide poll, Donald Trump now leads all other Republican presidential candidates. But come on, if we elect him you know he’ll just leave us for a younger country. –Seth Meyers

Jeb Bush yesterday said in an interview that Donald Trump is a master at understanding how the media works. Whereas Jeb did the entire interview with the lens cap on. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You have less holidays than a Medieval peasant (a second carry-on)

The New York Times and CBS released a poll this morning that shows Donald Trump in his strongest position of the primary season. While Jeb Bush remains in the SAME position – fetal. –Seth Meyers

"A flight headed from San Francisco to Phoenix had to make an emergency landing in L.A. today after a passenger gave birth mid-flight. The parents called the birth a miracle while the airline called it a second carry-on." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”