Monday, February 25, 2013

I could really go for a double-cheetah melt

"Since the brutal presidential election, there's been a lot of soul searching going on at Fox News. I am confident that they eventually will find one." –Stephen Colbert

"It is now legal to carry a concealed weapon in all 50 states. So if you are in one of them, be careful." –Stephen Colbert

"There's nothing wrong with eating horse burgers. Fast food should be made of fast animals. Oh man, I could really go for a double-cheetah melt." -- Stephen Colbert 

America's original Willie Nelson

"Most stores are open on Presidents Day. What better way to celebrate our presidents than by offering a sale on tires? Yes, four score and 20 years ago, our forefathers got two-for-one on steel-belted radials." –Craig Ferguson 

"You can tell how important a president was based on his monument. Lincoln was important because his monument shows him sitting in a chair looking serious. And George Washington got an even better one — a monument shaped like a giant middle finger pointed at England." ––Craig Ferguson

"People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America's original Willie Nelson." –Craig Ferguson 

Which side gets the Confederate flag?

"GOP civil war -- of course the first thing they'll have to fight over is which side gets the Confederate flag." –Stephen Colbert 

"I believe in American exceptionalism. And this is an insult to American gays, who I may not approve of, but I believe they are the gayest in the world. Our gay people -- they are not just homosexual, they're homo-ceptional." –Stephen Colbert 

"It's been five years since the economic meltdown. And while even I used to be mad at Wall Street -- at this point, who can even remember who wired the global financial system to a roulette wheel, while jacked on enough cocaine to bring down a bison?" –Stephen Colbert

Getting rid of stuff that's bronze and useless

"Obama gave his State of the Union speech and went through a laundry list of things, most of them very centrist -- like he said he wanted universal preschool. He said he got the idea from trying to work with the Republicans in Congress the last few years." –Bill Maher

"Obama hosted a Google chat and somebody asked him why don't we get rid of the penny. And he said as long as we're getting rid of stuff that's bronze and useless, how about John Boehner?" –Bill Maher

"Senator Mitch McConnell came out for legalizing hemp. He said during these tough economic times, this legislation has the potential to create jobs, provide a boost to Kentucky's economy and our farmers, and it also makes SpongeBob SquarePants hilarious." –Bill Maher 

Sunday, February 17, 2013

The smart money is on Tim Tebow

"Be honest. How many of you never heard of Marco Rubio until last night? How many thought Marco Rubio was a game you played in a pool with the kids?" –Jay Leno 

"Big news coming out of the Vatican. Pope Benedict resigned. And they're busy looking for replacements. The smart money is on Tim Tebow." –David Letterman

"Last night's Best in Show was a little affenpinscher. It's a German dog. The affenpinscher's name is Banana Joe. Banana Joe's being treated like royalty today in New York. This afternoon, he went to a steakhouse. Then he gets to spend the rest of the week serving as Donald Trump's toupee." –Craig Ferguson

Beats the finger I usually get!

"President Obama also gave House Speaker John Boehner a thumbs-up before the start of his State of the Union address. Or as Boehner put it, 'Beats the finger I usually get!'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it's talking about." –Jay Leno 

"The most impressive thing about President Obama's State of the Union speech last night was that he did the whole thing without a single drink of water." –Jay Leno

You cannot buy that kind of product placement

"The Republican response to President Obama's State of the Union address was given by Senator Marco Rubio. It's just one more example of rich white guys getting a Hispanic to do a job they don't want to do." –Conan O'Brien 

"While Rubio covered a lot in his State of the Union rebuttal, everyone seems to be focused on him grabbing his water bottle. That's what you get when you eat a whole bag of pretzels before a speech." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"But what a night for Poland Spring water. You cannot buy that kind of product placement. At least I hope you can't buy it, but in Washington, who knows?" –Jimmy Kimmel

The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah

"President Obama gave his State of the Union address tonight. The rebuttal will be given by Marco Rubio. Or as he's known in the Republican Party, 'our black guy.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"The Pope is resigning. I just hope it's not steroids." –Jay Leno 

"The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah." –Conan O'Brien 

The Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher

"CBS announced today the Pope will be replaced by Ashton Kutcher." –Craig Ferguson

"Actually, when the voting's done, the cardinals burn their ballots. People wait outside the Sistine Chapel to see what color the smoke is. If it's white smoke, they've agreed on a Pope. If it's black smoke, no decision's been made. If it's green smoke, Willie Nelson has somehow gotten into the Sistine Chapel." –Craig Ferguson

 "The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well." –Conan O'Brien

That's a tall hat to fill

"The Pope announced he is resigning. He doesn't feel he is strong enough to continue with his papal duties. What will he do for work now? He could be the most overqualified Walmart greeter of all time." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Benedict is quitting. That's a tall hat to fill." –David Letterman

"The Pope will be replaced, of course. When one Pope goes, another one popes up in his place." –Craig Ferguson 

My self-portraits of other people

"Reportedly, President Obama's speech will focus on jobs. Hopefully he'll explain to us why anybody in Congress still has one." –Jay Leno

"Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, 'If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Navy SEAL responsible for killing Osama bin Laden says he's having trouble finding work. My advice: Charge $10 per high five. He will be a billionaire by the weekend." –Conan O'Brien

In the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail

"When asked about gay marriage, Donald Trump said, 'It's not my thing.' Trump went on to say marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman he will replace in six years." –Conan O'Brien 

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said he wants to become the first Iranian to go into outer space. He wants to study the effects of anti-gravity on anti-Semitism." –Jay Leno

"Monopoly is getting a big makeover. They want to make the Monopoly game more modern and bring it up to date to reflect our current culture. Like, in the new version of Monopoly, the banker never goes to jail." –Jay Leno

This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave

"Next year's Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place in New Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another blackout. This one involves keeping Chris Christie away from his microwave." –Conan O'Brien

"A member of Congress is criticizing Steven Spielberg after he discovered parts of the movie 'Lincoln' are historically inaccurate — particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark." –Conan O'Brien

"In the last two months Fox News has fired Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, and Dick Morris, well-known political pundit. Well, great. Two more jobs lost under Obama." –David Letterman

Rush Limbaugh came out in favor of Obamacare

"Pakistan is opening an amusement park and a zoo in the same town where the raid on Osama Bin Laden took place. The zoo is pretty cool, but I've heard you won't be able to see the seals until it's too late." –Jimmy Fallon 

"This is kind of disturbing. The Justice Department has concluded that the president can order drone strikes on American citizens. And today, Rush Limbaugh came out in favor of Obamacare." –Jay Leno 

"Some Democrats in Congress are now trying to change the marijuana laws, making it legal so it can be taxed and increase revenue. Is that what the government's come down to now? We're selling drugs to pay off our debts? When did Uncle Sam become Scarface?" –Jay Leno

Donald Trump has gone into hiding

"The lights went out in the third quarter, which is weird because normally I don't experience a blackout until after a Super Bowl party." –Jimmy Fallon

"U.S. employers just added 157,000 jobs to the economy. Of course, most of those were for backup dancers for BeyoncĂ©." –Conan O'Brien

"A Justice Department memo claims that President Obama has the right to order the assassination of an American anywhere in the world. Isn't that crazy? In a related story, Donald Trump has gone into hiding." –Conan O'Brien 

Very white rice that is highly suspicious of the beans

"Hispanics and Republicans go together like beans and very very white rice that is highly suspicious of the beans." –Stephen Colbert, on Republican claims that the Hispanic vote should belong to the GOP

"Last night was one of the highest rated Super Bowls ever, with 108 million people watching. This year's game added $430 million to the New Orleans economy — apparently none of which was used to pay the electric bill." –Jimmy Fallon

"The lights in the Superdome went out for 33 minutes at the beginning of the third quarter. The 49ers were just standing around on the field, not knowing what to do — and then the blackout happened." –Jimmy Fallon

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Con men like Rush and Beck are one reason..

"Con men like Rush and Beck are one reason the Republicans are in such dire straits today. Because they don't care about winning elections. They care about separating rubes from their money. They've discovered there's a fortune to be made by keeping a small portion of America under the illusion that they are always under attack. From Mexicans, or ACORN, or Planned Parenthood, or gays, or takers, global warming hoaxers; it doesn't matter. They don't want a majority. They want a mailing list, a list of the kind of gullible Honey Boo Boos out there who think that there's a War on Christmas, and that the socialist policies of our Kenyan President have been so disastrous that the end of the world is coming." –Bill Maher 

They say it's mostly because of old people misplacing the clicker

"Fox News has their lowest ratings in 10 years. But Fox says it's not a case of them losing credibility. They say it's not because they're now widely seen as a clearing house for discredited ideas. They say it's mostly because of old people misplacing the clicker." –Bill Maher

"In an interview last week, Obama said he loves to shoot skeet up at Camp David. Republicans said if he is a skeet shooter, why have we not heard of it? Why have we not seen photos of it? Yes, because nothing would ease the Republican mind more than a photo of the black president with a gun." –Bill Maher

The other 22% burst into flames

"Women serving in the United States military will now be serving in combat. Finally there will be somebody in the tank who will stop and ask for directions." –David Letterman

"A new poll found 78% of respondents believed the planet had warmed over the past 100 years. The other 22% burst into flames." –Stephen Colbert

"The Dow hit 14,000. It hasn't been that high since 2007, heading toward an all-time high. Just think of how big it would be if Obama wasn't such a socialist." –Bill Maher

Terrible news for the monkey

"Tom Tancredo, who was a congressman from Colorado and ran for president, made a bet that his state would not legalize marijuana. And of course, he lost that bet. And you know what he has to do because he lost that bet? Yes, he's got a suck on a joint. I just hope in the next few years he loses a bet on gay marriage." –Bill Maher

"In a big meeting of the Republican National Committee, Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal told the GOP to 'stop being the stupid party.' Then Texas Governor Rick Perry gave the rebuttal." –Jay Leno

"Last week Iran launched a monkey into space, and it actually returned to Earth alive. It was great news for the space program and terrible news for the monkey who thought he'd finally gotten out of Iran." –Jimmy Fallon

Friday, February 1, 2013

If you are in Washington DC and you open your mouth and another voice comes out

"Yesterday House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do the Republicans look like they need help from President Obama?" –Jay Leno

"Lip-synching – let that be a lesson; if you are in Washington DC and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company, or a bank." –Bill Maher

"Republican Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana said 'we must stopped being the stupid party.' Good luck with that. When Sarah Palin heard that, she demanded an apology. She said, 'How dare he insult hard-working, patriotic, idiotic Americans like me.'" –Bill Maher

Less than half of you are parasites

"Where did we go wrong? The Republicans had everything going for them – a terrible economy, an unpopular incumbent, and a positive message for the American voter: 'less than half of you are parasites.'" –Stephen Colbert

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed on to a new 'Terminator' film. Due to his age, this one features the catchphrase, 'I'll be back right after 'Wheel of Fortune.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"House Speaker John Boehner said that President Obama's focus is to annihilate the Republican Party. Do Republicans look like they need any help from President Obama? They're doing a hell of a job themselves." –Jay Leno