He's like Godzilla with less foreign policy experience (You know she’s just going to blow it on ‘Nip)

A new home has been found for some geese in Kailua, Hawaii. Some private landowners wanted the geese off their property, but there was a public outcry after an exterminator had been sent to kill all the ducks and geese on Enchanted Lake. It might be time to reassess your career choices when you’re waking up in the morning and saying, “Well, time to kill everything on Enchanted Lake.” --Stephen Colbert

After the death of Karl Lagerfeld, his internet famous cat, Choupette is set to inherit Lagerfeld’s $150 Million Pound fortune. It’s so irresponsible to give a cat that much money. You know she’s just going to blow it on ‘Nip. --Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump was declared the big winner in the South Carolina primary by himself weeks ago, and the voters said, "Yeah! OK! That sounds good!" So now the obvious question is, will he ever not win? Yes, Trump is unstoppable. He's like Godzilla with less foreign policy experience. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They left the game early to beat traffic (Just let it ring)

Pringles is selling a line of scented candles in the U.K. that smell like different Pringles flavors. They said they tried selling them in the U.S., but people ate them. –Jimmy Fallon

American Airlines accidentally sent someone's pet corgi to Honolulu instead of Jackson, Mississippi. The owner frantically called the airport in Hawaii, but the dog was like, “Just let it ring.” –Jimmy Fallon

The Philadelphia 76ers set a new record for the longest losing streak in American sports history, with 28 losses in a row since last season. You know the 76ers are bad when THEY leave the game early to beat traffic. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The good news is, I’m ready to operate on your baby’s brain again! (Great, who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?)

Today, Dr. Ben Carson dropped out of the presidential race after a dismal and ineffective campaign. He said, "The good news is, I’m ready to operate on your baby’s brain again!" –Conan O’Brien

"President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii's governor said, 'Great, who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Show and Tell (Yeah yeah, heard you the first time)

I saw that Princess Charlotte went to her first day of nursery school yesterday. It was a little intimidating for the other kids – like for "Show and Tell," she brought Scotland. --Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama is staying at Oprah's house in Hawaii this week. Oprah told her housekeeper to make sure Michelle has clean linens at all times — then Stedman said, 'Yeah yeah, heard you the first time.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which explains why this morning's 9 a.m. Mass was held at 2 p.m (he must taste delicious)

You know how sometimes when priests go to the Vatican they bring gifts for the Pope from their home region? Recently, a priest from Kentucky decided to give Pope Francis 10 bottles of whiskey — 10 bottles of whiskey, because nine's just not enough. Apparently, the Pope loves the Father, the Son, and ALL of the holy spirits. He got 10 bottles of whiskey, which explains why this morning's 9 a.m. Mass was held at 2 p.m. --James Corden

A 20-year-old man from Colorado recently survived a shark bite in Hawaii. Less than a year before that, he was attacked by a 300-pound black bear. And a few years before that, he was bitten by a rattlesnake while hiking. Based on these incidents, we do know a lot about this man. For example, he must taste delicious.  --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Look it up yourself, [bleep]. (hard to spell)

For the second time, RadioShack has filed for bankruptcy. Experts say if RadioShack goes bankrupt one more time, it can officially run for president. –Conan O’Brien

Today for International Women’s Day, women across the country protested by refusing to work. That’s a true story. That’s what happened today. In fact, earlier today Siri told me, “Look it up yourself, [bleep].” And then slapped me. –Conan O’Brien

Hawaii is suing President Trump over his latest travel ban. In response, President Trump is suing Hawaii for “being hard to spell.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think he got this from having the same third grade teacher year after year (near-zero impact)

 

As I mentioned earlier this week, in Hawaii, the price of gas is over $4 a gallon. Man. Once again, I think President Bush is a little confused. When he heard about this he said, "You know, I'm more concerned about the price of gasoline here in America." --Jay Leno

"George W. Bush does not like change in his personnel. He likes to keep the same people. I think he got this from having the same third grade teacher year after year." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It contains sea life that has inspired some of our most breathtaking screensavers (Congratulations, Georgey!)

"John Edwards' departure leaves the Democratic nomination down to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, which means that the Founding Fathers finally have a winner in their 'How Long Will It Take Our Nation To Nominate A Non-White Male' betting pool. Oh, I can't wait to find out who is the winner. Ladies and gentlemen, George Mason of Virginia correctly guessed 219 years. Congratulations, Georgey!" --Jon Stewart

"Last week President Bush created the world's largest protected marine area, dubbed the Northwestern Hawaiian Islands National Monument. The preserve is larger than all of America's national parks combined. It contains sea life that has inspired some of our most breathtaking screensavers." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

it may have something to do with being an overweight man whose job is being enraged (Now THAT’S fake news!)

President Trump did an interview with Lou Dobbs on Fox News last night. And at one point, Dobbs said Trump is “one of the most loved and respected” presidents in history. Even Trump was like, “Now THAT’S fake news!” –Jimmy Fallon

"You guys hear this? Rush Limbaugh was released from a hospital in Hawaii two days after suffering from chest pains. He's fine. Doctors say they don't know what caused it, but it may have something to do with being an overweight man whose job is being enraged." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Trump really doesn’t want us to know what’s in his wallet (Man has massive hog)

A headline from Fox News read “Hawaii lawmaker proposes banning the sale of cigarettes to anyone under 100 years old.” The honest headline should have read “Yo mama so old she can buy cigarettes in Hawaii.” --James Corden

President Trump is filing a lawsuit against Capital One Bank. Apparently, Trump really doesn’t want us to know what’s in his wallet. --James Corden

A headline from the Huffington Post read “Distracted driver turns out to have 250-pound pig on lap.” The honest headline should have read “Man has massive hog.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, how much effort does it take to just leave the back door open and say, "You're free!" (he must taste delicious)

Apparently, the library at the University of Utah has installed what they're calling a "Cry Closet." This is exactly what it sounds like. I promise this is true. It's a closet where stressed-out students can go to cry. Because there's nothing more comforting than being trapped in a tiny dark box. It's going to be a shock when those students graduate. Take it from me, there are no "Cry Closets" out here in the real world. You will have to use your car in the McDonald's parking lot like the rest of us. --James Corden

President Trump says he's too busy to give a birthday present to his wife. I mean, how much effort does it take to just leave the back door open and say, "You're free, Melania. I let you go.” --James Corden

A 20-year-old man from Colorado recently survived a shark bite in Hawaii. Less than a year before that, he was attacked by a 300-pound black bear. And a few years before that, he was bitten by a rattlesnake while hiking. Based on these incidents, we do know a lot about this man. For example, he must taste delicious.  --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I have a joke about Trickle Down Economics (they have a better track record on women's issues)

A new home has been found for some geese in Kailua, Hawaii. Some private landowners wanted the geese off their property, but there was a public outcry after an exterminator had been sent to kill all the ducks and geese on Enchanted Lake. It might be time to reassess your career choices when you’re waking up in the morning and saying, “Well, time to kill everything on Enchanted Lake.” --Stephen Colbert

Yesterday, the Trump Administration announced that the entire Affordable Care Act should be struck down, including protections for people with pre-existing conditions. Yes, now that he’s free of the Mueller investigation, Trump can focus on his real enemies - the living. --Stephen Colbert

"The Army is pulling out of Rush Limbaugh. Meanwhile, they're staying in Afghanistan to negotiate with the Taliban, who evidently have a better track record on women's issues." –Stephen Colbert, on the U.S. Army pulling ads from Rush Limbaugh's radio show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My advice to those Republicans: Don’t watch the Tonys (Great, who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?)

"Jeb Bush is getting his presidential campaign in gear. Last week he said he supports a path to citizenship for immigrants. He said, 'I believe in an America where hard work and dedication can lead to any job that your brother and dad once had.'" –Conan O'Brien

"President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii's governor said, 'Great, who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?'" –Conan O'Brien

Some Republicans are really angry about a joke at last night’s Oscars made about Mike Pence. My advice to those Republicans: Don’t watch the Tonys. --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The first president in US history to enter office with a criminal record (To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat)

New research says that Neanderthals used to relieve pain by chewing on a plant containing the main ingredient in aspirin. Or as that’s now being called, “the Republican healthcare plan.” –Conan O’Brien

Hawaii is suing President Trump over his latest travel ban. In response, President Trump is suing Hawaii for “being hard to spell.” –Conan O’Brien

"A flight attendant was fired from Virgin Airlines for placing a baby in an overhead compartment. To be fair, the baby did not fit under the seat." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trust me, he doesn't know when someone is faking it (their “I’m horrified but I can’t show it” face)

But Trump’s lawyer allegedly told him that if he fired Robert Mueller, it would have a catastrophic effect on his presidency. Then after a long pause, the lawyer said, “That means ‘bad,’ Mr. President.” [imitates Trump] “Oh, I’m sorry – I thought you meant we were going to be invaded by cat people.” --Jimmy Fallon

Of course, Trump’s been practicing his State of the Union speech ahead of time. While Mike Pence and Paul Ryan are practicing their “I’m horrified but I can’t show it” face. --Jimmy Fallon

Tickets to the State of the Union had to be reprinted after they originally said State of the "Uniom." Even the guy who sent out that false missile alert in Hawaii was like, "How do you mess that up?" --Jimmy Fallon

After Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer got emotional while protesting Trump's travel ban, Trump accused him of fake crying. Then Melania said, "Trust me, he doesn't know when someone is faking it." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, I'm the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize (First off, nobody drives to Hawaii)

"It's interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we're fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, 'Hey, I'm the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize." –Jay Leno

"According to CNN, 200,000 Americans are signed up for a one-way trip to Mars to colonize Mars. Unfortunately, none of them are Kardashians." –Jay Leno

"The price of gasoline, oh, my God, it's going crazy. In Hawaii, now over $4 a gallon. Again, President Bush, I don't think he understands the problem. Like today, he says, 'First off, nobody drives to Hawaii.'" –Jay Leno

"A South Carolina panel has voted not to impeach Republican Governor Mark Sanford. A fellow Republican, one of the panel chairmen, a guy named Tim Harrison, said, 'We can not impeach for arrogance or hypocrisy.' Well, of course not. There'd be no politicians left if you did that." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Also erupting for the first time since 1984, your aunt watching Yellowstone (So caution. Wet floor.)

December 2022

Hawaii’s Mauna Loa, the worlds largest active volcano began erupting for the first time since 1984. Also erupting for the first time since 1984, your aunt watching Yellowstone. —Colin Jost

The World Health Organization is changing the name of Monkeypox to M Pox due to the concerns that the original could be considered racist, which I didn’t really think was an issue. But now I’m just wondering what the N in N95? —Colin Jost

Law enforcement departments in six European countries arrested nearly 50 drug traffickers who were running a cocaine Super Cartel. And do you know what made the cartel really super? Friendship. —Colin Jost

A woman in Atlanta gave birth to her baby in a McDonald’s. So caution. Wet floor. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Never forget what you're fighting for! (a 30 foot tall rainbow dragon that totally has your dad’s face)

 

A headline from the Huffington Post read “Distracted driver turns out to have 250-pound pig on lap.” The honest headline should have read “Man has massive hog.” --James Corden

A headline from Fox News read “Hawaii lawmaker proposes banning the sale of cigarettes to anyone under 100 years old.” The honest headline should have read “Yo mama so old she can buy cigarettes in Hawaii.” --James Corden

After a very close vote, the city of Denver, Colorado, just became the first city in the nation to decriminalize hallucinogenic mushrooms. The announcement was made by Denver’s mayor, a 30 foot tall rainbow dragon that totally has your dad’s face. --James Corden

Now Donald Trump’s exact quote about his tax return was, “Oh, at some point I’ll release them. Maybe I’ll release them after I’m finished because I’m very proud of them, actually, I did a good job.” Who talks about their tax forms like that? We want him to release his taxes, but at this point, I’d settle for him releasing his high school diploma. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you ban everyone who lies for Trump on TV, Fox News would just be a test pattern (Cupcakes and Orgasms!)

In a poll last year, 90% of Americans said that they thought it was important that guaranteed coverage for pre-existing conditions remains the law. That’s huge! The only thing with a higher approval rating is Tom Hanks on a unicorn throwing you a birthday party where the theme is “Cupcakes and Orgasms!” --Stephen Colbert

If you ban everyone who lies for Trump on TV, Fox News would just be a test pattern. --Stephen Colbert

A few years ago Tucker Carlson was a regular guest on a radio show called Bubba the Love Sponge. One of the many things that Carlson said that have people upset, is that he called women “Primitive.” Sure, women are primitive. In that right now, many of them want to throw Tucker Carlson into a volcano. --Stephen Colbert

A new home has been found for some geese in Kailua, Hawaii. Some private landowners wanted the geese off their property, but there was a public outcry after an exterminator had been sent to kill all the ducks and geese on Enchanted Lake. It might be time to reassess your career choices when you’re waking up in the morning and saying, “Well, time to kill everything on Enchanted Lake.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”