And just like that, the state of Ohio shoots past Florida in the race for creepiest state (What's next, a tax on rainbows?)

Meanwhile, back at home, Stormy Daniels — remember Stormy Daniels, the president's $130,000 friend? — had a brush with the law last night. She was arrested at a strip club in Columbus for allegedly touching a customer who turned out to be an undercover police officer. Under Ohio state law, an employee who appears nude or seminude is prohibited from touching patrons on the premises of a sexually oriented business unless it’s a family member. That's the law. And just like that, the state of Ohio shoots past Florida in the race for creepiest state. --Jimmy Kimmel

"As part of a plan to close his state's budget deficit, New York Governor David Paterson is proposing a tax on Internet pornography. You see, this is why we can't have blind governors. I mean, no offense, but of course he's going to tax pornography. If he can't enjoy it, nobody can. What's next, a tax on rainbows?" --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

he’s running away from it like it’s a disabled veteran who wants a selfie (high-fives)

Project 2025, is a 900-page document from a rightwing thinktank that has been described as “basically conservative fan fiction, which could very well become fan reality”. It’s full of terrifying proposals that range from burning more fossil fuels to outlawing pornography. Which is bad news for people who like to masturbate and horrible news for people who like to masturbate to our flourishing coral reefs. — Desi Lydic

The proposal is supported by a number of Trump’s top aides, but apparently it’s getting a little too controversial for Trump now, because he’s running away from it like it’s a disabled veteran who wants a selfie. — Desi Lydic

The former president posted on Truth Social: “I know nothing about Project 2025. I have no idea who is behind it. I disagree with some of the things they’re saying and some of the things they’re saying are absolutely ridiculous and abysmal. Anything they do, I wish them luck, but I have nothing to do with them.” Really? You expect us to believe Donald Trump didn’t read a 900-page … OK, now that I’m saying that, I hear it. This is textbook Trump. He hides his dog whistles next to some plausible deniability. Every tweet is like a Cheesecake Factory menu, you know? There’s something for everybody. And he doesn’t mind if it’s full of contradictions. He hasn’t read Project 2025, but he likes parts of it. He has no idea who’s behind it, but he hired most of them. He thinks it’s abysmal, but he wishes them luck. He has one hand in his pocket, and the other one is giving a high-five. — Jordan Klepper

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They say it could generate roughly $13 gazillion (the only ones screaming)

Here’s a story from my homeland and I could not be prouder today. In England a group of nearly 200 Brits set a world record, wait for it, it’s so moving. They set a world record for the most people to ride a roller coaster completely naked. Yeah, that’s what we have to offer the world. This is the first time that people watching the roller coaster were the only ones screaming. --James Corden

Senators in Rhode Island are proposing a new bill that would charge residents a one-time fee of $20 to access online pornography. State budget experts say this new porn bill could be profitable. They say it could generate roughly $13 gazillion. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When the people lead, the leaders will follow (which is not true, I also drink)

November 2021

A new report shows that the fastest growing form of electronic vehicles is the E-bike, which is particularly popular in cities. At this point experts believe the only thing that could slow these bikes down are car doors. —Michael Che

Environmentalists are warning visitors to the Canary Islands that having sex on the sand dunes is causing them to erode faster. In addition, they’re also making them super clumpy. —Michael Che

An 83 year old man has become the oldest person ever to hike the Appalachian Trail. The man dedicated this walk to his wife, who died a few miles back. —Michael Che

Senator Josh Hawley said in a speech after years of being told their manhood is a problem, men are turning to pornography and video games, which is not true. I also drink. —Michael Che

A judge rules that Texas governor Greg Abbott’s executive order, banning mask mandates in school violated the Americans with Disabilities Act. Because in Texas, you have to treat the disabled with care and respect, until the day you execute them. —Michael Che

It was announced that New York City Santacon which was canceled last year, will return this December. So the answer is nothing. The pandemic taught us nothing. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Suck it, Ryan Gosling! (Oklacovid!)

August 2021

“I know you want to hear me talk about the big story everybody’s talking about right now. The chaos surrounding the recent poorly handled regime change — over at ‘Jeopardy!’” —Stephen Colbert

“The game show’s search for Alex Trebek’s successor, which included tryouts by guest hosts like LeVar Burton and Katie Couric, ended last week when the executive producers of Jeopardy! selected executive producer Mike Richards. Wow, what are the odds? Exactly the same as me getting named ‘Stephen Colbert Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.’ Suck it, Ryan Gosling!” —Stephen Colbert

“But since then, crude comments about women, Jews and Haiti that Richards made on a podcast years ago have emerged. Ooh, looks like Richards’s job might be in … jeopardy!” —Stephen Colbert

“Earlier today OnlyFans announced that it’s going to block all X-rated content starting in October. Reportedly, ‘OnlyFans was struggling to find outside investors because of its adult content.’ Evidently, pornography does not live up to the high moral standards of investment bankers, unless it’s them [expletive] the economy. Then it’s fine.” —Stephen Colbert

“Now, there’s a bright side to banning shots of where the sun don’t shine, because OnlyFans says while sexually explicit material will be banned, nudity that is not sexually explicit will remain allowed. So you can only post nude images that would never turn on anyone — and, I’m sorry, I just don’t need the money that badly.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

FEMA said they will be there no later than Thursday (most of those were for backup dancers for Beyoncé)

February 2013

"A power outage during a Super Bowl in Louisiana — but don't worry. FEMA said they will be there no later than Thursday." –David Letterman

"A new study just came out and it reveals that straight men who watch porn are more likely to support same-sex marriage. The study also found that straight men who don't watch porn are lying." –Conan O'Brien

"U.S. employers just added 157,000 jobs to the economy. Of course, most of those were for backup dancers for Beyoncé." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's what happens when you don't get a little pornography every now and then (tequila of mass destruction)

"Michele Bachmann suffers from crippling migraine headaches. That's what happens when you don't get a little pornography every now and then." –David Letterman

"Gay marriage will now be legal in New York. Paul and I are very happy." –David Letterman

"Good news from the White House. President Bush last week had his annual physical and he passed. He passed his annual physical. No word yet on the mental." --David Letterman

"The economy is in big trouble, but the Bush administration is now running it. So finally some good news." --David Letterman

"Speaking of President Bush, right now he's in Cancun, Mexico. He's down there looking for tequila of mass destruction." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

She's talking about me, right? (the air conditioning is hooked up to the applause sign)

July 2011

"Michele Bachmann says that if she's elected, she'll ban pornography. We have multiple wars, skyrocketing debts, a recession, unemployment . . . Yeah, let's ban pornography." –David Letterman

"Bachmann says she wants to end things that are 'vulgar and a detriment to society.' She's talking about me, right?" –David Letterman 

"It's 95 and miserable today, like Rupert Murdoch. I think you folks should know the air conditioning is hooked up to the applause sign." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I wish they would’ve done it digitally (two wives ago)

[As Trump:] “Your spiteful actions display unfettered contempt for America’s founding, and your egregious conduct threatens to destroy that which our founders pledged their very lives to build. Yes, a nation built on the belief that powerful white men face no consequences whatsoever.” --Stephen Colbert

“Then Trump complained about how damaging impeachment has been to those he loves. [As Trump:] You do not know, nor do you care, the great damage and hurt you have inflicted upon wonderful and loving members of my family. You’ve hurt them all, from the innocent wife I cheated on with a porn star, to the poor kids whose mother I bailed on two wives ago — all of them.” --Stephen Colbert

“It’s been reported that in the upcoming film version of ‘Cats,’ the editors digitally removed the actor’s penis. When asked about it, the actor said, ‘I wish they would’ve done it digitally.’” --Conan O’Brien

“President Trump sent a six page letter to Nancy Pelosi about his impeachment. And this might be the most deranged letter to Santa ever. It is a long, stupid, disingenuous and incoherent defense, signed by an angry gorilla with a Sharpie. I mean, is this a signature or a seizure? This is why you don’t snort Sudafed on an empty stomach.” --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Bed, Bath & Obviously Guilty (racist breakfast cereal)

“Donald Trump spent all day having his friends tell everyone how not racist he is. You know, like nonracists do.” --Stephen Colbert

The big story as we all know is that people are still talking about was Trump’s tweet about four freshman congress women racist? Well, I say, if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it probably just told the geese to go back to Canada. --Stephen Colbert

Last night the House of Representatives passed a resolution condemning Trump for his racist comments. That’s right, Mr. President. A formal condemnation! You watch your step, mister. Or next they will hit you with a notarized complaint and boom, a ceremonial rebuke. Fun fact, this is the first time that a sitting president has been censured by either House since 1912, when they censured William Howard Taft for eating a congressional page. --Stephen Colbert

There’s one big story we haven’t talked about since coming back from our break and it’s about millionaire financier, and a guy with a walk-in closet just for his skeletons, Jeffrey Epstein. Epstein was recently arrested and accused of sex trafficking of minors. It is a disturbing story and there is a mountain of evidence that this guy is guilty. Dozens of women have come forward, pornographic images were found in his home, and we learned that to cover his tracks, he shipped himself a large paper shredder and a carpet and tile extractor. Yeah, he bought them at Bed, Bath & Obviously Guilty. --Stephen Colbert

Of course, Trump is still dealing with the fallout from his racist tweets, which became a racist chant, which will soon be a racist breakfast cereal. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It’s like we’ve been watching a porno for two years, and they’re still ordering the pizza (for a Better Wang!)

A Justice Department official announced that he anticipates that the Mueller Report will go on a little longer. A little longer? We’ve been anticipating a long time.  It’s like we’ve been watching a porno for two years, and they’re still ordering the pizza. --Stephen Colbert

Presidential candidate Andrew Yang has come out against infant circumcision. I can see the yard signs now: “Andrew Yang for a Better Wang!” --Stephen Colbert

A woman in Upstate New York just gave birth to a healthy baby girl that weighs 15 pounds. When you give that baby a bottle, she just unscrews the top and chugs it. The mother said she felt like she was, "hit by two tractor trailers simultaneously." While the baby said, "It was no picnic for me either, Candace." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Apparently we're not ready for that! (tag a porn star)

Donald Trump, “Now is the time for congress to show the world that America is committed to ending illegal immigration and putting the ruthless coyotes, cartels, drug dealers, and human traffickers out of business. Stephen Colbert, “And no one knows how to put something out of business like Donald Trump.” --Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump, “I am also proud to be the first president to include in my budget a plan for nationwide paid family leave so that every new parent has the chance to bond with their newborn child.” Colbert as Trump, “Because, you know, some people are too busy to bond with their wife and newborn child. Instead, they’re forced to go to a vodka launch party and tag a porn star. I’m sorry. Not on my watch! I’m sorry. I meant to say not while anyone is watching me.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

every single Arizonan would have to look at porn 814 times (Give me big naturals, or give me death)

Of course a lot of great ideas come from outside of Washington. This isn’t one of them. An Arizona state legislator has proposed a bill to fund the border wall through a tax on porn. You want to start the next American revolution? Start taxing porn. As Patrick Henry once said, “Give me big naturals, or give me death.” --Stephen Colbert

The woman who wants to take away your porn is Arizona state rep Gail Griffin. Even if her bill passes, it may not be enough, because while Trump needs $5.7 Billion for his wall, Arizona plans on a tax of $20, but has only 7 million residents. That means to pay for the wall, every single Arizonan would have to look at porn 814 times. That could take hours. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

alleged affairs is a very dignified way to say Raw Dog and porn stars (side cramps)

Chris Christie has taken himself out of the running to be the permanent White House chief of staff. Also taking Chris Christie out of the running, side cramps. --Michael Che, SNL

It’s been confirmed that Trump was in the room with Michael Cohen and the publisher of the National Enquirer when they discussed covering up Trump’s alleged affairs. Which alleged affairs is a very dignified way to say Raw Dog and porn stars. --Michael Che, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Oh, honey. If the date ends with you cutting a check, that’s not love (which publications my porn stars spanked me with)

When he saw he was in trouble with the justice department, Donald Trump appealed to a higher authority: Fox News. Trump was asked about the National Enquirer controversy he said, “I don’t think we made a payment to that tabloid. I always forget which publications I paid to silence my porn stars and which publications my porn stars spanked me with.” --Stephen Colbert

In the Fox News interview Trump did his best to bring the conversation back to complimenting himself. Trump said, “I have the greatest base in the history of politics. I have a lot of people that I love and that love me, and that includes a lot of women.” Oh, honey. If the date ends with you cutting a check, that’s not love. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

How is a porn star gonna pay for that? (A kick in the pants)

Here's a headline for you, Porn Star Gets Screwed. Adult film star Stormy Daniels today was ordered to pay president Trump nearly two hundred ninety three thousand dollars for legal fees. This is related to her defamation suit against the president which was tossed out in October. Two hundred and ninety three thousand dollars? How is a porn star gonna pay for that? They can't even afford to pay the pizza delivery guy? --Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Dirty Deeds -- who I believe was Stormy Daniels co-star (I'm not seeing it...)

Today there has been a decision the landmark case of Donald Trump v. Gettin’ Caught. Because here in New York City, former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen was sentenced to three years in prison. Now, a little tip for Cohen: In your first day in prison, walk up to the biggest guy in the yard and pay him $130,000. --Stephen Colbert

Michael Cohen said, “I felt it was my duty to cover up Trump’s dirty deeds.” There you have it. Right there from Cohen. Trump did Dirty Deeds -- who I believe was Stormy Daniels co-star. --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He was asked to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out (We can't afford your operation)

"During the economic meltdown, employees at the SEC were using government computers to watch pornography. Ironically, while they were watching porn, the other employees were watching Goldman Sachs screw the entire country." –Jay Leno

"Last week, President Obama gave a speech in New York City about his plan to reform these rules on Wall Street, you know? And one embarrassing moment. When the head of Goldman Sachs was going through security, he was asked to empty his pockets and five Republican senators fell out." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

which explains why President Bush's codename is pizza delivery boy (Whose fears are unfounded?)

Martha Stewart is being investigated on possible insider trading charges. I think Martha might be guilty because today on her program she showed viewers how to make license plates. --Conan O’Brien June, 2002

US News and World Report magazine claims that members of the Secret Service regularly watch porno on the White House satellite system. Which it which explains why President Bush's codename is pizza delivery boy. --Conan O’Brien June, 2002

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

There's a lot of things I'd rather probe than Mars (He demanded the same deal as the cast of Friends)

McDonald's announced they would stop supersizing their french fries sometime in the next few months. The decision has already brought some health benefits. Fat people are running to McDonald's. --Conan O’Brien 3/5/2004

An employee at NASA's Mission Control announced he's bored with his job and has decided to become a porn actor. The NASA employee said, “What can I say. There's a lot of things I'd rather probe than Mars.” --Conan O’Brien 3/5/2004

I got some television news this week. The miniseries Jesus became one of the first shows ever to beat an episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. It's a big deal in television. And immediately afterwards Jesus renegotiated his contract and demanded the same deal as the cast of Friends. --Conan O’Brien 5/17/2000

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”