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Friday, June 20, 2014

They were too busy swimming in a pool of money



"Soccer is one of those things that the rest of the world cares more about than we do – you know, like healthcare, education, gun control." –David Letterman




"Last night Hillary Clinton said she won't support legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials in Colorado couldn't respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of money." –Jimmy Fallon




"Over the weekend Afghanistan held its presidential election run-off. The way it works is everyone runs off, and whoever's slowest has to be president of Afghanistan." –Seth Meyers





The loser keeps Hasselhoff




"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson




"Pope Francis has pledged to remain neutral during the World Cup. When asked why, the Pope said, 'I picked the Miami Heat and look how that turned out.'" –Conan O'Brien


"Now, the way I hear it the Iraqi army had some trouble with the insurgents and they just dropped their guns, took off their uniforms, and went home — just like the Miami Heat." –David Letterman








Chris Christie sent back his chimichanga



"A Tea Party candidate won Virginia's Republican primary, mostly on his anti-immigration stance. His first plan is to change the state's slogan from 'Virginia is for lovers' to 'Virginia is for lovers who habla ingles.'" –Conan O'Brien


"Since House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost to an anti-immigration candidate, many Republicans are feeling pressure to take a harder stance on immigration. In fact, the Republicans are so paranoid, today Chris Christie sent back his chimichanga." –Conan O'Brien




"According to a new study, the number of car crashes linked to marijuana has risen. Fortunately, when the cars crashed they were all going eight miles per hour." –Conan O'Brien






Friday, June 13, 2014

Our current golden age of cooperation and productiveness is over



"Oh no! Congress's current golden age of cooperation and productiveness is over." –Jon Stewart on pundit predictions that the defeat of House Majority Leader Eric Cantor will make it impossible for Republicans to cooperate with Democrats


"For the second day in a row, President Obama made an unscheduled trip out of the White House, this time for a burger at a nearby restaurant. Obama wants to be OUT of the White House more than Hillary wants to be IN it. Well, almost." –Jimmy Fallon


"A Tea Party candidate won Virginia's Republican primary, mostly on his anti-immigration stance. His first plan is to change the state's slogan from 'Virginia is for lovers' to 'Virginia is for lovers who habla ingles.'" –Conan O'Brien


Let me repeat myself..



"Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey." –Jimmy Fallon


"House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was defeated in the primary election. He spent $5 million on his primary campaign. Ladies and gentlemen, what is wrong with this country when you can no longer buy an election?" –David Letterman




"While trying to get re-elected, Eric Cantor spent $168,000 on steakhouses. Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie said, 'That's all?'" –David Letterman





When you spend five years in captivity.....




"Sarah Palin, she was all over this story, attacking this Bowe Bergdahl guy because, you know, she found out through reports, we don't really know this, that he has trouble now speaking English. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black." –Bill Maher


"I mean, come on, cut this guy some slack. When you spend five years in captivity it can make a man do some crazy things, like when McCain picked you!" –Bill Maher




"Vladimir Putin's personal envoy said that allowing Finland to join NATO could lead to World War III. Yes, if there's one country that's definitely going to start World War III, it's Finland." –Seth Meyers





You’re part of a military unit, not the governor of Alaska



"It was a tough week for conservatives because, you know, on the one hand they love the military and soldiers, but they hate Obama. So at first, FOX News was like, 'We don't want to weigh in until all the facts were distorted.'" –Bill Maher on the Bowe Bergdahl prisoner swap




"Exactly right. Good presidents, people like George Bush, he sends people to war. They don't bring them home and rescue them. This is America, we rescue insurance companies and banks." –Bill Maher




"We don't trade terrorists for hostages. We trade arms for hostages. But there are of course aspects of this story that are actually controversial. Like this guy may very well have been a deserter, which is not good. You just can’t pick up and leave in the middle of your job. You’re part of a military unit, not the governor of Alaska." –Bill Maher





ammosexuals




"A Republican candidate for Congress in Arizona, who is white, recently changed his name to Cesar Chavez to appeal to Latino voters. It backfired when Arizona's governor immediately deported him." –Jimmy Fallon



When asked about criticism from Hillary Clinton, Russia's President Putin said he doesn't like to argue with women. Putin is either being a misogynist, or else ladies he's the perfect catch.' –Conan O'Brien 




Bill Maher on gun nuts who want to open carry everywhere: "Guns aren't just a tool of last resort. They're awesome. That's why people stroke them. And name them, and take pictures with them. You guys aren't just firearm enthusiasts — you're ammosexuals. And before you try and deny you have some sort of unnatural romantic relationship with your gun, consider this. You're taking it out to dinner! Because it completes you. Get a room."







Thursday, June 12, 2014

You don't want too many amateurs on in one night




"I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." —David Letterman



"It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." —David Letterman



"In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'" —Conan O'Brien



"Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox News decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night." —David Letterman


Friday, June 6, 2014

They got picked up in a stretch camel




"We bring back a POW, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, from Afghanistan and to get him back we traded five Taliban thugs. And now everybody's gone crazy. People say it's the most controversial trade that has taken place since NBC traded me here to CBS." –David Letterman




"These guys were down in Gitmo and now they get freed after 10 or 15 years. So now they're released and they get to fly home. And I'm thinking, if you go to the airport and you're stuck behind these guys in security, good luck." –David Letterman




"When they sent the Taliban thugs back to Qatar, they got picked up in a stretch camel." –David Letterman




When I came back, the dog was reading a newspaper




"Last Friday CNN had its worst 10 p.m. ratings of all time, with only 35,000 viewers tuning in. I left it on for my dog, and when I came back, she was reading a newspaper." –Jimmy Fallon




"CNN got just 35,000 viewers. Even worse, most of those views came from monitors left on in the background on CNN." –Jimmy Fallon 




"Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should have a kid and then get back to us." –Conan O'Brien





Her date wore a red laser dot on his head



"In a new interview, President Obama revealed that his daughter Malia recently went to her first prom. She wore a corsage on her wrist while her date wore a red laser dot on his head." –Jimmy Fallon


"The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group has posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you've gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you're wearing too many scarves." –Seth Meyers




"I don't want to complicate your hatred of facial hair there, friend, but my guess is if you gave Bob Bergdahl a bandana and a duck, you'd like him just-f**king-fine." -Jon Stewart, reacting to "Fox and Friends" cohost Brian Kilmeade's criticism of the father of freed American POW Bowe Bergdahl 






Which should backfire when the winner of the election is...



"Marijuana dispensaries in San Jose, California, will give out free weed to people who vote in tomorrow's municipal election. Which should backfire when the winner of the election is 'Pizza.'" –Jimmy Fallon




"Newly leaked documents show the NSA has been collecting millions of pictures of people online for its sophisticated facial recognition program. Americans said it's a huge violation of their privacy – then they went back to posting selfies every 30 minutes." –Jimmy Fallon




"President Obama said Hillary Clinton would be very effective if she ran for president. And Joe Biden said, 'Thank you very – wait, what?'" –Jimmy Fallon




Thursday, June 5, 2014

Does Bush have a learner's permit to be president?



"Not only will Condoleezza Rice testify, but President Bush has also agreed to meet with the (9/11) commission. He's going to testify, but he said he wants have Dick Cheney there with him. Why does he want Cheney with him? What? Does he have a learner's permit to be president and have to have an adult with him." —Jay Leno


"They said that President Bush's war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn't losing American jobs anymore, he's branching out to other countries." —Jay Leno




"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China." —Jay Leno





Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy



"President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo." —David Letterman




"In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"




"In response to the escalating violence in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops and will actually add reinforcements to the south. Then in a symbolic gesture he pulled down the mission accomplished banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier." —Tina Fey



Of course not, he avoided Vietnam





"It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." —David Letterman


"Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night." —David Letterman


"CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk." —David Letterman

President Bush has already ignored three memos about this



"'Decision Points' by George W. Bush has dropped, and it's like 'War & Peace' without the peace. Here's the very first page: 'In the last year of my presidency I began to seriously consider writing my memoirs.' Right away he’s got you hooked. Did he write them or didn’t he? You won't know until you read the book. Maybe the rest of the pages are blank. If there’s one thing we've learned it’s that we can't believe something is there just because Bush says it is." –Stephen Colbert


"Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this." —David Letterman

"Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'" —Conan O'Brien





Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?




"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" –David Letterman


"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman


"President Bush said last night that they'll be a new president in Iraq. In fact to give him a chance they're going to give him a 30-second head start." —Jay Leno
 

That was him thinking all the time. Really?




"George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time. Really?" –David Letterman


"But Bush, the president, he is still quick. Still very athletic. You know, he's a former cheerleader. I believe Bush is our only president who was a cheerleader. He proved today at a book signing that he can still duck a shoe." –David Letterman


"In the book Bush says that he lost respect for John McCain when he selected Sarah Palin as his running mate. This from a guy whose running mate shot a buddy in the face." –David Letterman 


Bush was on Rachel Ray this morning waterboarding a veal cutlet




"George W. Bush has just released his new memoir 'Decision Points.' It's 512 pages long. But to be fair, half those pages are just games and puzzles. In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of." –Craig Ferguson


"President Bush is everywhere. He's been on the Larry King Show, he's been on the Today Show. He was on Rachel Ray this morning waterboarding a veal cutlet." –David Letterman


"George W. Bush was interviewed by Matt Lauer who asked him if he would still invade Iraq if he knew then what he knows now. It's an unfair question. For one thing I don’t know if Bush does know what he knows now." –Jimmy Kimmel 


Well, it’s unanimous




"'Decision Points' by George W. Bush has dropped, and it's like 'War & Peace' without the peace. Here's the very first page: 'In the last year of my presidency I began to seriously consider writing my memoirs.' Right away he’s got you hooked. Did he write them or didn’t he? You won't know until you read the book. Maybe the rest of the pages are blank. If there’s one thing we've learned it’s that we can't believe something is there just because Bush says it is." –Stephen Colbert


"In his new book, George W. Bush says he’s happy to be out of Washington. Well, it’s unanimous." –David Letterman


"Former President George W. Bush will be everywhere promoting the book. He's on the 'Today Show.' Going to be on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and tomorrow he'll be on the Rachael Ray Show, water-boarding the veal cutlets." –David Letterman