This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation (Utah is never getting a major league baseball team)

Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation. –Conan O’Brien

Donald Trump is holding his first-ever campaign fundraiser but says he’s only doing it because the Republican Party asked him to. Yeah. Trump thought he should do this for the Republican Party, since he turned down their first request: Don’t be our candidate. –Conan O’Brien

"A new law in Utah makes it illegal for a person to publicly touch their own g**itals. In other words, Utah is never getting a major league baseball team." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

One Bible can't get the job done anymore? (Carrots and marijuana)

January 2013

"President Obama will be sworn in with his hand resting on two Bibles. Is that how screwed up Washington is now? One Bible can't get the job done anymore?" –Jay Leno

"U.S. customs officials recently discovered 310 pounds of marijuana hidden in some frozen carrots. That's one way to keep kids away from drugs – put them in vegetables." –Jay Leno

"Carrots and marijuana – how good will your vision be after THIS combination?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It’s like bottomless breadsticks at Olive Garden, but for bugs (just as the Bible foretold)

June 2021

“There have been a series of extreme natural events lately, from heatwaves in many parts of the US to the emergence of cicadas. It’s never a good sign when the weather forecast ends with ‘just as the Bible foretold’, but it has been happening.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Cicadas have swarmed parts of the eastern US after 17 years underground, looking to mate like a bunch of horny teenagers on prom night. They’re an interesting creature: the reason they all come out at the same time is because it makes it impossible for predators to eat all of them at once. It’s like bottomless breadsticks at Olive Garden, but for bugs.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Between Covid, the heat and these cicadas, it’s like someone figured out an algorithm to make sure we never go outside the house. I suspect Netflix is behind this.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Give me all the orange crayons you have (He escapes in the chaos like a Batman villain)

May 2021

“Can you imagine Donald Trump on trial? Putting that little orange hand on a Bible, suddenly the Bible bursts into flames. He escapes in the chaos like a Batman villain.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“They’re looking at whether Trump lied about the value of his properties to get loans approved and to pay lower taxes. Does this really need an investigation? I feel like he spent four full years bragging about doing exactly that.” —James Corden

“We know a trial is close when the courtroom sketch artist goes to Michaels and says, ‘Give me all the orange crayons you have.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, Trump knew he was in trouble when he called his lawyer and the F.B.I. answered Rudy’s phone: ‘You’re being recorded.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Now, to be fair, he had a full day of flipping off babies at the park (The first one sold pretty well)

April 2021

“Senator Ted Cruz, Republican of Texas, appeared to have fallen asleep during segments of President Biden’s congressional address on Wednesday. I can relate to Ted Cruz. Now that Joe’s president, I find it much easier to sleep, too.” —Stephen Colbert

“Ted Cruz was so bored at that speech that he fell asleep. And I know what you are thinking right now. You think I’m going to say something like ‘Oh, that’s weird, I thought lizards slept with their eyes open.’ But I’m not going to say that, because honestly, that was the most relatable thing that Ted Cruz has ever done.” —Trevor Noah

“Lyin’ Ted just turned into Snoozin’ Cruz.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Now, to be fair, he had a full day of flipping off babies at the park.” —James Corden

“Because that speech was boring, and when you consider that almost none of Biden’s goals are going to get past Congress, we basically just listened to an old man talk for an hour about his dreams.” —Trevor Noah

“Because of the pandemic, Joe Biden’s first address to a (Covid-limited) joint session of Congress, was a bit odd. First, Biden didn’t mention low-flow toilets once. Second, everything else. The president delivered his speech to a masked audience of 200 instead of the usual 1,600 lawmakers. Still, 200 people is more than watched the Oscars.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thou shall not be a [expletive] (Three Little Words)

February 2021

Staying loyal to Donald Trump after he sent a mob to kill you? Man, that shows how committed Mike Pence is to his principles: he won’t even abort a friendship.” —Trevor Noah

“I guess at this point, there’s nothing Trump can do to Pence that would make Pence turn on him. They basically have the same relationship that we have with our Alexa: ‘Ugh, Alexa, I hate you. I wish you would die!’ [imitating Alexa] ‘I’m sorry you feel that way. Is there anything I can help you with?’” —Trevor Noah

“And I don’t know where the line is between forgiving and being a doormat, but Mike Pence crossed it a long time ago. I mean, yeah, the Bible says to turn the other cheek, but at the same time, one of the Ten Commandments is ‘Thou shall not be a [expletive].’” —Trevor Noah

“You know what would be fun? If I were Donald Trump, I’d announce that I need a kidney, and I’d make all of these guys — Lindsey Graham, Rudy, Mike Pence — I’d make them all give me one kidney to choose which one I like best.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A poet that belongs with the Masters. A magisterial collection. A combination of 

Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Floridians are being asked to take shelter in their meth labs (the Bible is going to feel redundant)

“During President Trump’s press briefing yesterday about the pandemic, he invited the founder of MyPillow to speak, at which point I used my pillow to scream into.” — Seth Meyers

“The governor of Florida today issued a long-overdue, statewide stay-at-home order. Floridians are being asked to take shelter in their meth labs.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Hey, look at the bright side, Florida — if you stay home, you can really get to know your iguana.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“That’s right, the founder of MyPillow spoke at a coronavirus press briefing yesterday and encouraged Americans to use the time they’re self-isolating to read their Bibles. Oh, I don’t know — between the plague and the false idol next to you, I think the Bible is going to feel redundant.” — Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I think we’re getting pulled over by that building! (Ah, finally! That bush was so annoying)

“Last night, the Empire State Building lit up like a siren to honor the medical workers serving on the front line of the epidemic. This might be a good idea when they first pitched it, but as someone who lives in New York, it was terrifying. The Empire State Building, the giant light flashing around — and can you imagine if someone was high in their living room? They must have freaked out. ‘[Expletive], dude! I think we’re getting pulled over by that building!’” — Trevor Noah

“President Trump was warned about coronavirus by his advisers as early as Jan. 18 — and he dismissed it for months. So as much as Trump wants to blame China for downplaying the virus, he himself ignored all the messages that his experts were giving him. And he didn’t ignore them once, he didn’t ignore them twice, he ignored them countless times. Like if we were back in Bible times, Trump would have heard the burning bush and then just thrown water on it. [imitating Trump] ‘Ah, finally! That bush was so annoying.’” — Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

getting your Bible signed by a dude that raw dogs porn stars (Breaking the previous record of one)

Last week HBO aired “Leaving Neverland,” a documentary detailing multiple child molestation charges against Michael Jackson. And they say this doc has done more damage to Michael Jackson than his last doc, Dr. Conrad Murray. --Michael Che, SNL

A British group set a new world record when more than 200 people rode a roller coaster naked. Breaking the previous record of one. --Michael Che, SNL

President Trump visited tornado victims in Alabama and signed Bibles for them. I’m not a very religious guy, but I feel like when you’re getting your Bible signed by a dude that raw dogs porn stars, you’re probably not a very religious guy either. --Michael Che, SNL

Virgin Atlantic Airlines announced that it will no longer require female flight attendants to wear makeup and skirts just as long as their husbands sign the consent form. --Michael Che, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

that's the best thing about being an atheist. It requires so little of your time (if you are just making stuff up, go hog-wild)

I was in Australia over Easter and they celebrate Easter the same way we do. Commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. I wonder why we're messed up as a race. Anybody got any clues? I've read the Bible and I can't find the word bunny or chocolate anywhere in the book. Why those two things? Why not, you know, goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer? You know if you are just making stuff up, go hog-wild. --Bill Hicks

If you're one of those people that say rock and roll is the devil's music, well let's say that we know for a fact that rock and roll is the devil's music and we know that it is for sure. At least he fucking jams. If it's a choice between eternal hell and good Tunes or eternal heaven and New Kids on the fucking Block, I'm gonna be surfing on the lake of fire rockin’ out. --Bill Hicks

Not only is atheism not a religion, it's not even my hobby and that's the best thing about being an atheist. It requires so little of your time. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

God set a fire to a bush so he could collect the insurance money and build a casino (“That’s what she said.”)

Trump spoke this morning to religious leaders at the National Prayer Breakfast. It's always a slightly awkward situation for a president who's been married three times, paid hush money to a porn star, and has probably, at best, skimmed the Bible. Meyers as Trump, “And as you all know, God set a fire to a bush so he could collect the insurance money and build a casino. It was smart. It was a smart move." --Seth Meyers

This morning at 7:30 a.m., Trump was in an All Caps mood tweeting, “PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT! It should never be allowed to happen again.” If ever there was a time for, “That’s what she said.” --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

If she wants to win this November, she may have to change that position (I can't reach it with...)

"Democrats are calling Christine O'Donnell 'the Sarah Palin of the East.' Really? She's a loud, emotionally unstable woman from Delaware. That's not Sarah Palin, that's Joe Biden." –Craig Ferguson 

"She’s also against masturbation. I'm afraid you lost me now, lady. If she wants to win this November, she may have to change that position." –Craig Ferguson

"The Palin is strong in this one. My God. Just give her bangs and a pair of rim glasses and she'd be a dead-ringer for… [onscreen: a video clip of O’Donnell wearing glasses with bangs] Oh my God!" –Jon Stewart

After showing a clip of O'Donnell saying, "You’re gonna be pleasing each other and if he already knows what pleases him and he can please himself, then why am I in the picture?”, Jon Stewart said: "You're in the picture, my dear, because as Oscar Wilde once said, 'I can't reach it with my mouth.'"

After showing a clip of O'Donnell saying, "The Bible says that lust in your heart is committing adultery, so you can’t masturbate without lust," Stephen Colbert said: "Thank you madam. Masturbation is adultery. I know this is horrible news for my home audience, many of whom are committing adultery as we speak."

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They're calling it the greatest threat to New Orleans since George Bush was president (I'm pretty much over it)

"President Obama met with the Yankees to congratulate them on their World Series win. The New York Yankees' Derek Jeter said, 'You never get tired of meeting the president.' And then John McCain said, 'I'm pretty much over it.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This oil spill in the Gulf keeps getting worse and worse. They're calling it the greatest threat to New Orleans since George Bush was president." –Jay Leno

"And unlike the Koran, no one here seriously considers following the bible literally – guys don’t look over their fence on Sunday morning and see a neighbor mowing the lawn and think, 'Working on a Sunday? I really should kill him.'" –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

If I tell you I’m an astronaut and you ask me about the moon, and I say, “The moon?” (moral justification for selfishness)

President Trump responded to Michael Cohen’s sentencing by tweeting, “I never directed Michael Cohen to break the law. He was a lawyer and he is supposed to know the law.” Fair, but you know who is else is supposed to know the law? The frigging president of the United States. I mean, the Pope should know the Bible, Santa should know the meaning of Christmas, and the president should know the law. Dude, we’re paying money for this. --Michael Che, SNL

I mean he’s president. He’s got to know the law. Doctor’s know medicine. Arby’s knows meat. If I tell you I’m an astronaut and you ask me about the moon, and I say, “The moon?” --Michael Che, SNL

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”  

Do you have a good lawyer? Asking for a friend (It's God's Plan)

Actually I read that Trump is now considering former New Jersey governor Chris Christie for the Chief of Staff  job. Not a bad idea. The White House would get a chief of staff and a Santa for the office holiday party. --Jimmy Fallon

The White House made a job application for the chief of staff position. And I think you can tell Trump wrote some of the questions himself. For example, first it asked, "Where do you see yourself in five indictments?" Then there's, "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth in the book you write after you're fired?" And finally, "Do you have a good lawyer? Asking for a friend." --Jimmy Fallon

The other day, a woman in Pennsylvania gave birth in a Taco Bell parking lot. But this is nice. Instead of a blanket, the manager wrapped the baby in a soft flour tortilla. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

an excuse for parents to shove their kid down a hill without Child Protective Services getting involved (Bond, James Bond)

First up, sledding. Hey, sledding, you combine my two favorite things -- having my legs broken and being at the bottom of a massive hill with broken legs. Let's be real. Sledding is just an excuse for parents to shove their kid down a hill without Child Protective Services getting involved. --Seth Meyers

Bethlehem innkeepers. Where do you get off turning away a pregnant woman? You're lucky Yelp wasn't around during the time of the Bible, or you would've been savaged. Also, you sent them to the manger?! Here is a tidbit of common decency. If you run an inn and a woman needs to give birth, maybe do better than the shack where your goats eat. It's disgusting, and that's coming from a guy whose wife gave birth in the lobby of a New York City apartment building. True story! --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Ousted Republicans Took Bibles With Them (First Name: 'The Late')

"When the Republicans were in power, their version of reality was worth ignoring facts for [on screen: And they did]. Now the Democrats are running the show and their version of reality is, unfortunately, based on reality, and we've got to bring the fight to them.. 

[on screen: Unless They're In A Cave in Tora Bora]. 

Fight fire with fire. Fight facts with facts. Here's a fact: The Democrats labeled the last Congress 'do-nothing,' but since the Democratic Congress convened last Thursday, they've already taken half of their days off..

[on screen: Saturday and Sunday]. 

Here's another fact: Barack Obama's middle name is Hussein. Sound familiar? Saddam Hussein's last name is Hussein.. 

[on screen: First Name: 'The Late']. 

Another fact: Democratic Representative Keith Ellison of Minnesota was sworn into Congress on a Koran. I don't need to tell you what that means.. 

[on screen: Ousted Republicans Took Bibles With Them]." 

--Stephen Colbert, from The Colbert Report

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He sworn in on not just a Bible, but the Bible (Private Meeting, Do NOT Disturb)

"The new Democratic Congress being sworn in and oh, former Speaker Dennis Hastert does not look happy. I would not want to be the gallon of Ben & Jerry's waiting in his freezer." --Jon Stewart

"Those sworn in included a diverse group of Democrats, from Minnesota's Keith Ellison, America's first Muslim congressman who chose to be sworn in on a Koran, and 89-year-old Robert Byrd, sworn in on not just a Bible, but the Bible." --Jon Stewart

"The real history was being made in the House of Representatives where Nancy Pelosi became America's first female Speaker of the House [on screen: Pelosi offering children to come 'touch the gavel' after she was elected speaker]. I'm pretty sure that's what got the last Congress in trouble." --Jon Stewart

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

a Bible with the sixth and eighth commandments removed (grade school English)

"The story is O.J. convinced five other guys to go into a room to retrieve sports memorabilia that he says belonged to him. And as the late Johnnie Cochran once said, 'You can't steal-a your own memorabilia.' So now O.J. is in jail. Today he asked for reading glasses and a Bible. Actually, he wanted a Bible with the sixth and eighth commandments removed." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Mexican President Vicente Fox has a new book coming out. In it, he says George Bush is the cockiest guy he's ever met. Apparently, the first time they met, Bush kept demanding to meet the Taco Bell chihuahua. Fox also says Bush speaks grade school Spanish. Well, in fairness, he speaks grade school English too." --Jimmy Kimmel

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

Hey, maybe if there were homosexuals in Iran, he'd be better dressed (That Gutenberg Guy)

"Ladies and gentlemen, the face of evil, the Hitler of our generation. Let's hear his terrifying words [on screen: Ahmadinejad claiming that there are no homosexuals in Iran]. That's so interesting there are no homosexuals in Iran because in America, there are no homosexuals in our conservative movement either." --Jon Stewart

"The President of Iran is in the United States. President Mahmoud Ah-members only jacket-jad addressed the United Nations General Assembly today. This guy is nuts. He denies the Holocaust happened. He says his country has no homosexuals. He's looked very hard for them, he's even placed personal ads. Hey, maybe if there were homosexuals in Iran, he'd be better dressed." --Jimmy Kimmel

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #books #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans