Well, that’s the censored version (Officials first became suspicious in 1991)

The publisher of Hillary Clinton’s upcoming memoir announced today that the title of her book will be the statement “What Happened.” Well, that’s the censored version. –Seth Meyers

Snoop Dogg was arrested and released in Sweden this weekend on suspicion of using illegal drugs. Officials first became suspicious in 1991. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion (and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon)

"I just read that George W. Bush is getting his own limited edition baseball card. You can tell it's Bush's card because eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion." –Jimmy Fallon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think we can rule out landing on an aircraft carrier and declaring mission accomplished (He's worried about too many Americans illegally crossing his borders)

 

"We're coming up to the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq. I'm not sure how Bush is going to mark the occasion. I think we can rule out landing on an aircraft carrier and declaring mission accomplished." --Jay Leno

"Mexican President Vicente Fox changed his mind and announced he will not sign a bill legalizing cocaine, heroin and marijuana. He's worried about too many Americans illegally crossing his borders." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Finally, a chance to regift this goat (and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon)

A couple in Florida are getting married and instead of wedding presents, they've asked for money to buy goats. Even crazier, one couple they invited was like, "Finally, a chance to regift this goat." --Jimmy Fallon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He asked for the angel hair just to smell it (Eh, you get used to it)

​​Dunkin' Donuts is partnering with Harpoon Brewery to release a coffee-infused beer. Not to be outdone, Four Loko is now partnering with heroin. --Seth Meyers

According to reports, former Vice President Joe Biden requires that his paid speaking engagements provide him with a dinner of angel hair pomodoro, caprese salad, and raspberry sorbet. And this is weird: He asked for the angel hair just to smell it. --Seth Meyers

And finally, soccer's governing body, FIFA, announced yesterday that it has added a new rule prohibiting goalkeepers from throwing the ball into the other team's net. "Eh, you get used to it," said the Knicks. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Adultery of Hope (What are they going to do, cut off our heroin?)

"Police in Fort Wayne, Indiana, arrested a man for allegedly driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Good to see Mitt Romney spending some time with the family, huh?" –Jay Leno

"Newt Gingrich is running and just came out with his new book: 'The Adultery of Hope.'" –Jay Leno

"It seems the country of Packalies, I mean Pakistan, is threatening to end cooperation with the U.S. What are they going to do, cut off our heroin?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You want to know what this was really all about? (the most impossible eulogy of all time)

“It’s rare that a celebrity as famous as O.J. doesn’t get an outpouring of love after news of his death, but it makes sense.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Guys, as I mentioned, the big news today is O.J. Simpson died. As we speak, someone is trying to write the most impossible eulogy of all time.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump has tried everything. He even requested a delay so he could mourn the loss of O.J.” — Jimmy Fallon

Former President Donald Trump’s first criminal trial starts on Monday, despite several failed efforts to have it delayed. His only move left is to have sex with everyone in the court and pay them $130,000 to keep their mouth shut. — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Though it seems like it would just be easier to just get their president to put some pants on (I would kill for reviews that good)

Dunkin' Donuts is partnering with Harpoon Brewery to release

a coffee-infused beer. Not to be outdone, Four Loko is now

partnering with heroin. --Seth Meyers

China reportedly scrubbed the images of Winnie the Pooh from

social media over the weekend, after users compared the character

to their president. Though it seems like it would just be easier to

just get their president to put some pants on. –Seth Meyers

Pundits are saying that new British prime minister, Theresa May,

is following in the footsteps of Margaret Thatcher, known as

"The Iron Lady," with some in the media calling May "dull as

porridge," "extremely dependable," and "not humorous." Said

Hillary Clinton, "Ugh, I would kill for reviews that good."

–Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you? (they were completely out of crack)

"Last night, President Bush addressed the crowd at the Republican Convention via satellite. The first ten minutes of Bush's speech consisted of him saying, 'Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you?'" --Conan O'Brien

​​"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is an entertaining fellow, the gift that keeps on giving. According to police reports, Ford once did heroin with gang members. In his defense, Ford said, 'We had to, they were completely out of crack.'" –Conan O'Brien

"A big insurance company just announced they will give $10 million to anyone who can invent a car that gets 100 miles per gallon. Meanwhile, Exxon says they'll give $11 million to anyone who kills that guy." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I think he should be re-elected because he's hilarious and because I don't live in Toronto (I thought he had an exclusive deal with crack)

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reiterated that he should be re-elected mayor of Toronto because he saves taxpayers money. I think he should be re-elected because he's hilarious and because I don't live in Toronto." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush's approval rating is not good. A new Gallup poll puts it at just 36% which is a new low for his presidency. He is just slightly more popular than herpes now." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Today gang members were caught on wiretaps saying they have photos of Mayor Rob Ford doing heroin, which is weird because I thought he had an exclusive deal with crack." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, you know it's rough when they have to strip the Eiffel Tower for parts (4 Large Heroins)

January 2023

“Hey, I heard that due to some major delays, Paris is rushing to finish construction work in time for the 2024 Olympics. Apparently, the delays have been caused by a steel shortage. Yeah, you know it's rough when they have to strip the Eiffel Tower for parts.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Justin Bieber just sold his entire music catalog for $200 Million. Yeah, asked what he's going to do with the money, Bieber said, ‘Buy a dozen eggs.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“The city of Philadelphia is so desperate for lifeguards that they're recruiting applicants who can't swim. Even worse, they're letting the lifeguards work from home.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's the first time in history Donald Trump has ever shown a dislike for anything golden (If science was never questioned...)

Brett Kavanaugh defended himself by saying that he was a virgin in high school and for many years thereafter. I have got to say, if those are the qualifications, I should be on the Supreme Court. I should be Chief Justice Corden. --James Corden

Even more trouble today for Donald Trump's Supreme Court nominee. A third woman has now come forward accusing Brett Kavanaugh of sexual misconduct during his time in high school. That's three accusers. Or, as Republicans call it, three strikes and you are voted in for a lifetime appointment. --James Corden

Ben & Jerry's just announced that they are going to be supporting seven progressive congressional candidates by promoting them with their own flavors of ice cream. This is such a brilliant political move. I mean, what is Trump going to do now — come out against ice cream? Now, personally I would like to thank Ben & Jerry's for giving me a reason to tell my wife why I am eating an entire pint of ice cream every night. "No. It is for the future. We have to leave our children a better world. That's all this is." --James Corden

President Trump has withdrawn his invitation to the Golden State Warriors, making this the first time in history Donald Trump has ever shown a dislike for anything golden. –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image (The previous record holder was heroin)

"Facebook now has 500 million users. The previous record holder was heroin." –Jimmy Kimmel

Hillary’s choice for running mate, Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine, gave a speech last night where he revealed that not only does he habla español, he can do a Donald Trump impression. He did such a convincing job that Tim Kaine is now leading Hillary Clinton by 3 percent. –Jimmy Kimmel

"BP's oil cap seems to be working. The cap they're using is childproof, so it'll never come off." –Jimmy Kimmel

It was a historic night. We're either going to have our first female president, or the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even your uncle on Facebook was like, "That's a lot of all caps." (to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon)

Tomorrow is National Tequila Day. While the day after that is National "Janice From HR Wants to See You in Her Office” Day. --Jimmy Fallon

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon." —Jimmy Fallon

At midnight last night, Donald Trump sent this tweet. This is real. He wrote: "To Iranian President Rouhani: NEVER, EVER THREATEN THE UNITED STATES AGAIN OR YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE. WE ARE NO LONGER A COUNTRY THAT WILL STAND FOR YOUR DEMENTED WORDS OF VIOLENCE & DEATH. BE CAUTIOUS!” Even your uncle on Facebook was like, "That's a lot of all caps." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You guys want to go halfsies on fascism with me? (Lemme get uhhhhhh 4 large heroins)

June 2022

“The House select committee investigating January 6th resumed their public hearings on Thursday, and painted a chilling and criminally insane portrait of an attempt to steal the election by weaponizing the justice department. Former acting attorney general Jeffrey Rosen told the committee that Trump phoned him on Christmas Eve 2020 to pressure him to call the election fraudulent with no evidence. What a lovely way to spend Christmas Eve. Twas the night before Christmas and all through DC, the Potus was screaming ‘the winner was me!’ / The conspiracies hung like a stench in the air, as thin and as fake as the president’s hair.” —Stephen Colbert

“The committee also read from handwritten notes by former acting deputy attorney general Richard Donoghue on what Trump said during phone calls: ‘Just say that the election is corrupt + leave the rest to me and the R. congressmen.’ Donoghue’s note is the heart of the crime. The president knows there’s no evidence, and he wants the DoJ to just lie and say that there is evidence of corruption, so that his cronies in Congress can overturn the fair election. Donoghue also said that as the president grew more agitated, he started making absurd requests such as ‘why don’t you guys seize machines?’ Well that’s a very casual way to end democracy. [Colbert, pretending to direct an order at dinner] – ‘Hey guys, why don’t you all seize the machines, I’ll cancel the elections, and just order some secret police for the whole table. You guys want to go halfsies on fascism with me? I hear the brownshirts here are delicious.’” —Stephen Colbert

“According to Donoghue’s notes, the former president justified his outlandish conspiracy theories by saying, ‘you guys may not be following the internet the way I do.’ You mean on the toilet with the safe search off?” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What are they going to do, cut off our heroin? (which is ironic because that's how I met my wife)

"Because of the scandal Larry Craig had to resign his position on the Mitt Romney campaign. So not much chance of getting his mitts on Romney now. "The arresting officer said their eyes met through the crack in the bathroom stall door, which is ironic because that's how I met my wife." --Jay Leno

"In Utah, polygamy sect leader Warren Jeffs has been convicted. The guy's got 80 wives. 80 wives at the same time. In fact, when Rudy Giuliani heard that, he said, 'Records are made to be broken.'"  --Jay Leno

 

"Police in Fort Wayne, Indiana, arrested a man for allegedly driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Good to see Mitt Romney spending some time with the family, huh?" –Jay Leno

"It seems the country of Packalies, I mean Pakistan, is threatening to end cooperation with the U.S. What are they going to do, cut off our heroin?" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We had to, they were completely out of crack (because he's hilarious and because I don't live in Toronto)

December 2013

"Earlier today, Vice President Joe Biden arrived in South Korea to talk to the people there. Yeah, first time ever people from South Korea have tried to sneak into North Korea." –Conan O'Brien 

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is an entertaining fellow, the gift that keeps on giving. According to police reports, Ford once did heroin with gang members. In his defense, Ford said, 'We had to, they were completely out of crack.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford reiterated that he should be re-elected mayor of Toronto because he saves taxpayers money. I think he should be re-elected because he's hilarious and because I don't live in Toronto." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The NSA collects almost 5 billion records a day that can pinpoint a cellphone anywhere in the world, track its movements, and map the personal relationships of the person using it. I'll tell you what this means. You know the crazy people that wear the tinfoil hats because they think the government is tracking them? Turns out they were right." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry 

 

If you’re addicted to heroin, gambling and prostitutes (yeah, I can see colors again)

January 2021

“That’s right — Donald Trump is no longer the president of the United States. And look, this isn’t going to solve all our problems, but it will remove a big one. If you’re addicted to heroin, gambling and prostitutes and you only quit heroin, that’s still a huge step.” —Seth Meyers

“Wow, all right. So that’s what it feels like when you’re not grinding your teeth. I forgot, and I think — yeah, I can see colors again.” —Seth Meyers

“It’s a little like getting rid of the last guy at a party. You spent four years yawning and stretching, and hinting that he should get out, and when he finally leaves, it is a relief, until you remember you still have to clean up all his puke and he, like, puked everywhere.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Then it got a little weird when he was like, 'Trust me.' (unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else)

 September 2011

"Some Tea Party members at the Republican debate cheered the idea of a sick uninsured person being left to die. In fairness, the person in question was one of the moms from 'Toddlers & Tiaras.'" –Conan O'Brien

"During the Tea Party debate, Jon Huntsman said that America's dependency on foreign oil is like being addicted to heroin. Then it got a little weird when he was like, 'Trust me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"My guest tonight is Al Gore, unless the Supreme Court decides it should be someone else." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”