your baby’s worth three times as much now

Republicans and Democrats are fighting over whether President Obama should be able to appoint Justice Scalia's successor. Democrats say that he should, whereas the Constitution says that he shall. –Seth Meyers

The Ted Cruz campaign has pulled a new ad after it was revealed that the actress in it has appeared in soft-core porn; and now Jeb has hired her to teach him how to act like he's enjoying something. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump just promised that he will no longer use foul language on the campaign trail. So now when people ask him his policy on ISIS, he just says “I'm going to bomb the shy-diddly-doodles out of them.” –Jimmy Fallon

During a recent rally in Louisiana, Donald Trump actually autographed someone’s baby. Even crazier, when he handed the baby back to the parents, Trump said, “Congratulations, your baby’s worth three times as much now." –Jimmy Fallon