some citing that the Bush administration -- this is true -- doesn't appear to know what it's doing (after democracy crumbles)

"Unfortunately for Rudy Giuliani, there are apparently other people in Florida who were less impressed by how he turned the hooker-strewn 42nd street into an ESPN Zone." --Jon Stewart

"The Bush administration is searching for a war czar to manage all the wars we're in and cut through the federal bureaucracy. Because federal bureaucracy is why we're losing. So far, at least five four-star generals have declined the position, some citing that the Bush administration -- this is true -- doesn't appear to know what it's doing." --Jon Stewart

"Governor Eliot Spitzer of New York has been linked to a prostitution ring. Wow. What a day for the media. Here they thought yesterday would just be another day spent feigning interest in the concerns of regional voters." --Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Any human power can be resisted and changed by human beings (Abstinence saved my marriage!)

According to a new article on Melania Trump, most evenings she

does not have dinner with President Trump. Melania said,

“Occasionally, I’ll join him during his third breakfast.” --Conan

O’Brien

"The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw

it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This

is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted

by the St. Louis Rams." –Conan O'Brien

Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she is unaware of hush money payments made by President Trump to other women. Then Sanders opened an envelope full of cash and said, “I’m sorry, I can’t talk anymore.” --Conan O’Brien

It’s come out that under President Trump, abstinence-only education is making a comeback. In fact, Melania Trump said, “Abstinence saved my marriage!” --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away (Play some new stuff)

One of the winners of this year's national spelling bee has an older brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, "I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away." –Jimmy Fallon

The Scripps National Spelling Bee was last night on ESPN. I watched it, and ESPN was the only word all night I knew how to spell. –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that last night Donald Trump held a rally in Florida, where he attacked immigrants, democrats, and the media. Even the biggest Trump supporters in the crowd were like, "Play some new stuff." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Remember, we're counting on you to keep us rich (Eh, it's been done)

May 2014

"Thursday is the deadline for Iran to meet a series of measures to delay its nuclear program. Then Iran said, 'Do you mean 'DEADLINE deadline' or 'Sign up for Obamacare deadline?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The St. Louis Rams made history on Saturday by drafting Michael Sam, making him the first openly gay player in the NFL. Yep, an NFL player who's never been with a woman — or as Tim Tebow put it, 'Eh, it's been done.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams." –Conan O'Brien

"In Colorado a man was accidentally released from prison 90 years too soon. In a related story, everyone in Colorado is high." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house (So that's a NO on healthcare, Huh?)

The Scripps National Spelling Bee was last night on ESPN. I watched it, and ESPN was the only word all night I knew how to spell. –Jimmy Fallon

"Burger King is adding a new kids' meal that's lower in fat, sodium and calories. It's called the 'I Don't Want That.'" --Jimmy Fallon

One of the winners of this year's national spelling bee has an older brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, "I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away." –Jimmy Fallon

"Lindsay Lohan began her house arrest. When he heard about it, Arnold Schwarzenegger was like, 'Don't worry, Lindsay. Sometimes everything you need is right in your own house.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you? (Don't Just Lay There)

President Bush addressed the crowd at the Republican Convention via satellite. The first ten minutes of Bush's speech consisted of him saying, 'Wait a minute, how can you can see me when I can't see you?'" --Conan O'Brien

 

"Bill Clinton is writing a book designed to encourage Americans to become more active in their communities. Clinton's book is called 'Don't Just Lay There.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams." –Conan O'Brien

"The Dalai Lama is in the news. The Dalai Lama is threatening to resign from his position as the spiritual leader of Tibet. When asked why, the Dalai Lama said, 'I promised myself I'd quit the moment it stopped being fun.'" --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ll bet this guy knows how to spell potato (That’s a rookie mistake)

"Chris Christie decided not to run. He had a big decision. He weighed the pros. He weighed the cons. He weighed himself. I like the guy. This is a candidate we could have all gotten behind. Now they’re saying he might be a Vice Presidential candidate. He’d make a great one. I’ll bet this guy knows how to spell 'potato.'" –David Letterman 

"Hank Williams, Jr. was fired by ESPN because he compared President Obama to Adolf Hitler. That’s a rookie mistake." –David Letterman

"Republican voters have been reduced to using the same criteria as a 4 a.m. barroom pickup: he has a pulse and no visible cold sores." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Finally, a politician who's not afraid to put his money where his mouth is (Wait, was today my fantasy baseball draft?)

"A New Jersey school named after President Obama is closing because of low enrollment. That explains the school's new education plan, 'No Child Left . . .'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is facing criticism for going on ESPN to pick his NCAA brackets when there are more important issues on his agenda. When he heard this, Obama said, 'Wait . . . Was today my fantasy baseball draft?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Julianne Moore has signed on to play Sarah Palin in a TV movie. Remember how Robert De Niro had to gain 60 pounds to play the boxer Jake LaMotta? Julianne has to drop 125 IQ points to play Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"The latest sex scandal concerns Florida Republican state Representative Bob Allen, who was arrested for offering to perform a sex act on an undercover police officer in exchange for $20. $20? Finally, a politician who's not afraid to put his money where his mouth is." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

those ankles are totally airbrushed/if anyone can stop an uprising/Or, as Japan put it, 'Really?'

"President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, 'Really?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a speech Obama said women earn 75 cents for each dollar a man makes, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Have you met Todd?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Al Qaeda has launched its own women’s magazine. I bought a copy, and I tell you right now, those ankles are totally airbrushed." –Jimmy Fallon

"Hillary Clinton visited Egypt today for the first time since the uprising. When asked why she went, Bill Clinton said, "Believe me, if anyone can stop an uprising, it's Hillary." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Was today my fantasy baseball draft? (dropping 125 IQ points)

"A New Jersey school named after President Obama is closing because of low enrollment. That explains the school's new education plan, 'No Child Left . . .'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama is facing criticism for going on ESPN to pick his NCAA brackets when there are more important issues on his agenda. When he heard this, Obama said, 'Wait . . . Was today my fantasy baseball draft?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Julianne Moore has signed on to play Sarah Palin in a TV movie. Remember how Robert De Niro had to gain 60 pounds to play the boxer Jake LaMotta? Julianne has to drop 125 IQ points to play Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin is going to Israel next week on a fact-finding tour. She wants to find out things like where is it and who's their king. She says she's very excited to visit the Wailing Wall, because whaling is illegal in Alaska." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

those ankles are totally airbrushed (Or, as Japan put it, 'Really?')

"President Obama said he was always getting in trouble when he was in middle school. In fact, Obama said he talked so much during class, the teacher had to take away his teleprompter." –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama went on ESPN to announce his NCAA tournament picks. Or, as Japan put it, 'Really?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"In a speech Obama said women earn 75 cents for each dollar a man makes, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Have you met Todd?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Al Qaeda has launched its own women’s magazine. I bought a copy, and I tell you right now, those ankles are totally airbrushed." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It overlooks the flaws of the Republican Party (tied to Sarah Palin's pickup)

"Well, here's some information about real estate. Rush Limbaugh had an apartment here in New York City. Sold it for $11.5 million. It has a very narrow view. It overlooks the flaws of the Republican Party." –David Letterman

"Do you folks remember a guy named Levi Johnston? He's marrying Bristol Palin. They're getting married, that's exciting. He'll be arriving at the church tied to Sarah Palin's pickup." –David Letterman

"Bristol, her daughter, made the announcement on an hour-long ESPN special. Last week Levi made a heartfelt apology to the Palin family. That kind of rings a bell." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

ESPN’s annual Body Issue (every one of those comes with a cry for help)

A Minor League Baseball team in Pennsylvania is selling a hot dog wrapped in cotton candy topped with Nerds candies. And instead of condiments, every one of those comes with a cry for help. --Jimmy Fallon

ESPN’s annual Body Issue comes out this week. While everyone else's body issues will come out after they read it. --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The Buck Stops Here (Let It Fail)

A number of cable networks including ESPN broadcast the hearing live, which wasn’t a surprise. You know, O.J. Simpson has been on TV longer than Homer Simpson. So he’s a big draw. –Jimmy Kimmel

President Trump said in a new interview that he had regrets about appointing Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Sessions said today that he will continue to serve as long as it is appropriate. So only until about 1955. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020

JOKES: he turned the hooker-strewn 42nd street into an ESPN Zone

"Unfortunately for Giuliani, there are apparently other people in Florida who were less impressed by how he turned the hooker-strewn 42nd street into an ESPN Zone." --Jon Stewart

"Giuliani did not officially drop out until 6 pm eastern or 11 past 9 Giuliani standard time this evening. Although last night's winner unofficially dropped him out during his victory speech [on screen: John McCain saying, 'I want to thank my dear friend. My dear friend Rudy Giuliani. He invested his heart and soul in this primary and who conducted himself with all the qualities of the exceptional American leader he truly is. Thank you, Rudy']. Did Rudy Giuliani die?" --Jon Stewart

"How sad really that Edwards is out of the race, because he had a stirring message that really reached people about two Americas. It is so true, there were two Americas. One in which people were voting for Edwards because they were afraid of Hillary, and another America where people were voting for Edwards because they were afraid of Barack Obama." --Stephen Colbert

Just to keep it authentic, they're all child robots

The company that makes products for Apple and Samsung in Asia has reportedly replaced 60,000 factory workers with robots. Just to keep it authentic, they're all child robots. –Jimmy Fallon

The Scripps National Spelling Bee was last night on ESPN. I watched it, and ESPN was the only word all night I knew how to spell. –Jimmy Fallon

One of the winners of this year's national spelling bee has an older brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, "I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away." –Jimmy Fallon

his face turned red 20 years ago

Donald Trump asked a young man who appeared to be Asian-American if he was from South Korea, to which the man replied, "I was born in Texas." Trump was so embarrassed that his face turned red 20 years ago. –Seth Meyers

Playboy magazine is going to stop publishing nude photos of women starting next year. So now if you want to see a naked woman you'll have to go to HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, the Internet, Burning Man, a PETA protest, perfume ads, or ESPN The Magazine. –Seth Meyers

Infidelity has finally entered the world of sports

Today is a special day. Today is women's equality day. Donald Trump calls it, that time of the year again. –Conan O’Brien

At a press conference yesterday, Donald Trump kicked out a Latino reporter but the man returned a few minutes later. Yeah, so already Trump's deportation plan isn't working. –Conan O’Brien

Right now in the U.S. the most popular name for baby girls is Emma. The least popular names are Ashley and Madison. –Conan O’Brien

It has come out that 100 ESPN employees were on the adultery website Ashley Madison. In other words, infidelity has finally entered the world of sports. –Conan O’Brien

This is what we have been training for, people!

"What must it be like to work at a rehab facility and you see Toronto Mayor Rob Ford walk through the door? I can imagine: red lights start flashing, a siren goes off, someone yells, 'This is what we have been training for, people! Let's go!'" –Jimmy Kimmel



"The St. Louis Rams made history on Saturday by drafting Michael Sam, making him the first openly gay player in the NFL. Yep, an NFL player who's never been with a woman — or as Tim Tebow put it, 'Eh, it's been done.'" –Jimmy Fallon



"The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams." –Conan O'Brien