As you can imagine, that came as quite a shock to Beyoncé (Unfortunately, she voted for Woodrow Wilson)

Foreign policy experts say that the president of China is now the world’s most powerful person. As you can imagine, that came as quite a shock to Beyoncé. –Conan O’Brien

"In the midterm elections, a 102-year-old woman voted for the first time in a U.S. election. Unfortunately, she voted for Woodrow Wilson." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Officials say they are now conducting an investigation to see what went wrong (I dunno. Ask Beyonce)

July 2013

"Jay-Z says that he and President Obama text each other regularly. In one text, Jay-Z was like, 'What's it like being the most powerful person in the world?' And Obama was like, 'I dunno. Ask Beyonce.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday Eliot Spitzer got the 4,000 signatures he needs to qualify for the city comptroller race by hiring people on Craigslist to help him. It was a big challenge, but if there's one thing Spitzer knows how to do, it's hire people on Craigslist." –Jimmy Fallon

"The U.S. government had a $116.5 billion surplus in June. Officials say they are now conducting an investigation to see what went wrong." –Jay Leno 

"According to a new study in the Journal of American Medicine, marijuana can actually help make you thinner. Using marijuana can make you thinner unless you're taking it in brownie form." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

FEMA said they will be there no later than Thursday (most of those were for backup dancers for Beyoncé)

February 2013

"A power outage during a Super Bowl in Louisiana — but don't worry. FEMA said they will be there no later than Thursday." –David Letterman

"A new study just came out and it reveals that straight men who watch porn are more likely to support same-sex marriage. The study also found that straight men who don't watch porn are lying." –Conan O'Brien

"U.S. employers just added 157,000 jobs to the economy. Of course, most of those were for backup dancers for Beyoncé." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is what a rigged economy looks like (his mother says he's still a real catch)

February 2013

"Beyoncé finally admitted that she did lip sync the national anthem during the inauguration. Now Donald Trump is claiming that since she did lip sync, President Obama is not legally president. He said it invalidated the whole thing." –Jay Leno

"I love this story; the state of Washington is now looking for a marijuana consultant now that marijuana is legal up there. I think this is one of those green jobs President Obama is always talking about." –Jay Leno

"Here's some news out of Washington. Today, President Obama honored more than 20 researchers for their contributions to science and technology. Unfortunately, it was overshadowed by the football game – or as those researchers put it, 'Man, high school never ends, does it?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The director of Jewish outreach for the White House announced that he is stepping down. He says it's time to move on, while his mother says he's still a real catch and other presidents would be lucky to have him." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she's gone out with more men than Joan Crawford (proving that women will follow gay men anywhere)

January 2013

"Already the Obama administration has been rocked by scandal. Beyonce lip-syncing; or at least we think she was lip-synching. Lip-synching – let that be a lesson; if you are in Washington DC and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company, or a bank." –Bill Maher

"The Pentagon lifted the ban this week on women being able to serve. Yes, women can now serve in front line combat positions, proving that women will follow gay men anywhere." –Bill Maher

"New Rule: The media must give President Obama a few more days before they start covering the 2016 presidential race. They’re already speculating about Biden and Hillary. Come on, even Taylor Swift gives a guy a little more time than that. And why is she America's sweetheart? She's 17 and she's gone out with more men than Joan Crawford." –Bill Maher

"Tom Tancredo, who was a congressman from Colorado and ran for president, made a bet that his state would not legalize marijuana. And of course, he lost that bet. And you know what he has to do because he lost that bet? Yes, he's got a suck on a joint. I just hope in the next few years he loses a bet on gay marriage." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'll be back right after Wheel of Fortune (the charges are being strongly denied by a recording of Beyonce)

January 2013

"There's a photo from the Inauguration in which Former President Bill Clinton appears to be checking out Kelly Clarkson. Clinton said, 'That's not true, I was checking out Beyonce and Kelly Clarkson got in the way.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Beyonce is remaining silent about charges that she lip-synched the national anthem. However, the charges are being strongly denied by a recording of Beyonce." –Conan O'Brien

"Steven Tyler defended Beyoncé after she lip-synced at President Obama's inauguration. Tyler said, "I know how she feels, I did the same thing at the Harry Truman Inauguration.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed on to a new 'Terminator' film. Due to his age, this one features the catchphrase, 'I'll be back right after 'Wheel of Fortune.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even his guilty pleasures are boring (Bootylicious)

September 2012

"Mitt Romney was here meeting with the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce. He's looking for a housekeeper for his place in La Jolla." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney was on 'Live With Kelly and Michael.' At one point Mitt was asked what he wears to bed. He said as little as possible. It's the same philosophy that Mitt has in regard to paying taxes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt also admitted on the show that his guilty pleasures are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chocolate milk. Even his guilty pleasures are boring." –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama is attending a fundraiser in New York hosted by Jay-Z and Beyonce. Michelle is hoping Beyonce will sing 'All the Single Ladies,' while Obama is worried Biden will get up and sing 'Bootylicious.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"On Saturday, Mitt Romney took some time off from campaigning to watch his grandson’s soccer game. Though it got awkward when one team pulled their goalie and Romney was like, 'Look at that – another job lost under President Obama.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

His alcohol level was actually higher than Obama's approval rating (He also admits to fathering Beyonce's baby)

August 2011

"Dick Cheney's memoir, 'Eat, Pray, Waterboard,' has a lot of revelations. For instance, Dick Cheney was actually born in a hut in Kenya. His first heart attack occurred when he accidentally saw himself naked. He also admits to fathering Beyonce's baby." –David Letterman

"President Obama's uncle was arrested for a DUI. His alcohol level was actually higher than Obama's approval rating." –David Letterman

"Obama's approval rating is 38 percent. I'd kill for numbers like that." –David Letterman

"New York City had earthquakes and hurricanes, but that's the price you pay for living in an island paradise." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He'd still invade the wrong country/Who doesn't have one of those?/This guy has friends?

August 2011

"Dick 'Kaboom' Cheney has written a book, and he says he wouldn't change anything. He feels strongly about this. He'd still invade the wrong country." –David Letterman

"Cheney says he wrote the memoir because friends encouraged him to do it. This guy has friends?" –David Letterman

"Moammar Gadhafi had a photo album of pictures of Condoleezza Rice. Who doesn't have one of those?" –David Letterman

"Gadhafi is apparently on the run, though today he released a message congratulating Beyonce on her pregnancy." –David Letterman 

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Wars aren't like kids... (Odyssey Dawn)

"We're at war? Again? Don't we already have two? Wars aren't like kids, where you don't have to worry about the youngest one because the other two will take care of it." –Jon Stewart

"And aren’t we out of money? You can’t simultaneously fire teachers and Tomahawk missiles." –Jon Stewart

"The strikes on Libya are costing American taxpayers $100 million. Or, in Moammar Gadhafi terms, five Beyonce concerts." –Conan O'Brien 

"The Pentagon held a press-conference about the military operation in Libya. They are calling it Odyssey Dawn. I believe it's the first military operation named after a stripper." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This, according to a white woman on the phone with police (now partnering with heroin)

Former first lady Michelle Obama attended a Beyoncé and Jay-Z concert yesterday where she danced in the front row with Beyoncé’s mother. This, according to a white woman on the phone with police. --Seth Meyers

Dunkin' Donuts is partnering with Harpoon Brewery to release a coffee-infused beer. Not to be outdone, Four Loko is now partnering with heroin. --Seth Meyers

The website Vice has published a new article profiling items found in the New York's subway systems Lost and Found. The most common thing lost on the subway? An hour and a half. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

the least popular member of the U.S. Senate (Who's Eric?)

I hope you had a good Father’s Day weekend. The president spent his Father’s Day weekend the same way he does every year. He opens a card and says, "Who's Eric?" --Jimmy Kimmel

After two weeks of talking about it, on Saturday I was in Houston to play Texas Sen. Ted Cruz in what we call the Blobfish Basketball Classic. And just like a blobfish, the game was sloppy and within moments we were gasping for air. We played one on one. It took almost an hour to get to six points. Which would be a lot if this was a World Cup soccer game. But it was not. --Jimmy Kimmel

When we agreed to play to 11, I didn't realize that meant 11 o'clock. It went on forever. The game was very rough. There was nothing but fouls the whole game long. I have bruises all over my body. He kept poking me with his hoofs. The game went on so long by the time it was over Jay-Z and Beyoncé had written and produced an entire new album. --Jimmy Kimmel

It's been a dream of mine ever since I was a little boy to play basketball one day against the least popular member of the U.S. Senate. That dream finally came true this weekend. --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He said he first got into Beyoncé’s music when Hillary Clinton smashed his car windshield with a baseball bat (Don’t Stop Believing)

I saw that when John Kelly became Trump’s chief of staff, the Secret Service director emailed him, saying, “Congratulations, I think.” Which is the same thing everyone said to Melania at her bridal shower.  --Jimmy Fallon

This week, former FBI Director James Comey said that he’s actually a big fan of Beyoncé. He said he first got into Beyoncé’s music when Hillary Clinton smashed his car windshield with a baseball bat.  --Jimmy Fallon

A member of the band Journey said “Don’t Stop Believing” was inspired by the time he borrowed money from his dad to pay his dog’s vet bill. Apparently, the dog was hit by a midnight train goin’ anywhere.  --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I knew Beyoncé wrote me back (To be clear, I'm talking about Trump now)

How did it get this far? It's almost like nobody took the time to dig into his shady background and lack of judgment. To be clear, I'm talking about Trump now. --James Corden

A mailman in Brooklyn was caught stashing nearly 17,000 pieces of undelivered mail for more than a decade because he was "Overwhelmed" by the amount he had to deliver. See, I knew Beyoncé wrote me back, I knew she did. I'm not crazy. He didn't deliver it. --James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

You’d drink too if you saw Donald Trump naked (Michael Cohen showed up and handed Macron $130,000)

The internet erupted after Melania Trump was photographed wearing a Beyoncé-style hat. And, just like Beyoncé, Melania is recording an album about her cheating husband. --Conan O’Brien

When French President Emmanuel Macron greeted President Trump, he kissed Trump on both cheeks. Then out of habit, Michael Cohen showed up and handed Macron $130,000. --Conan O’Brien

White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson has been accused of drinking on the job. Today, Jackson defended himself saying, "You’d drink too if you saw Donald Trump naked." --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

babies are now allowed on the U.S. Senate floor (Beyoncé’s wind machine)

Thanks to a rule change, babies are now allowed on the U.S. Senate floor. In the spirit of the new rules, today in the Senate, Orrin Hatch had his diaper changed. --Conan O’Brien

Camping at Coachella has been delayed this weekend because of high winds. Then someone realized they just forgot to turn off Beyoncé’s wind machine. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

I love you so much and can't imagine life without you (K)

This week Trump said that two of the most incredible days of his life were spent in China – mainly because it was the closest he'll ever get to seeing a great wall. --Jimmy Fallon

Today is Beyoncé and Jay-Z's 10th wedding anniversary. Wow. Jay-Z told Beyoncé, "I love you so much and can't imagine life without you." And Beyoncé replied, "'K." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.

Tiffany Haddish said someone bit Beyoncé (What does Beyoncé taste like?)

So, the president almost definitely colluded with Russia, but there's equally important news out there. Tiffany Haddish said someone bit Beyoncé. This is serious! --Stephen Colbert

This is a huge mystery at this point. As of show time we still don't know. So far, all sorts of celebrities have denied being the biter, including Lena Dunham, Jennifer Aniston, Sanaa Lathan, Frances McDormand, even Shirley MacLaine, whose spokesperson said, "No, Shirley did not bite anything. She's 83 years old, for God's sake." Not a good alibi. I get bit by 83-year-olds all the time. Because I like to start fights with old people, because I want to win. --Stephen Colbert

The fact is, Beyoncé's biter remains at large, and it's extremely important to me we figure this out, because America needs to know: What does Beyoncé taste like? --Stephen Colbert

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

I'm Keeping an Eye on Him tour (thanks for watching, Mr. President)

The Trump administration is about to unveil its Middle East peace plan. It involves giving everyone guns. --Conan O’Brien

In an interview, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos says she’s not unqualified for the job, just "misunderstood." The actual word she used was "misunderstoodinated." --Conan O’Brien

Fox News is about to debut its new tagline. Instead of "fair and balanced," they're going with “thanks for watching, Mr. President.” --Conan O’Brien

Beyoncé announced that she is going on tour this summer with Jay-Z. It’s the "I'm Keeping an Eye on Him" tour. --Conan O’Brien

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html