I hope they can get used to doing nothing (an honorary member of the E Street Band)

According to The Associated Press, President Trump will take a 17-day vacation starting tomorrow at his golf club in New Jersey. Seventeen days in New Jersey doesn’t sound like a vacation, it sounds like an episode of “I Survived.” That’s more days than Chris Christie has spent in New Jersey. I’m pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey, you become an honorary member of the E Street Band. –Seth Meyers

"Today marks the last day before Congress takes its summer recess. They're taking five weeks off. Five weeks. I hope they can get used to doing nothing." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone (Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids)

Police in Philadelphia are investigating after a 5-year-old boy walked into his preschool class holding about two dozen vials of crack cocaine. In the kid's defense, he did bring enough for everyone. --Seth Meyers

"60 Minutes" correspondent Morley Safer will formally retire this week after 46 seasons with the show. Safer made his name as a young reporter covering the landmark case of "Asteroid v. Dinosaurs." –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump told the Associated Press yesterday that he had whittled down his list of possible running mates to "five or six people." Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

My friend over there thinks you're cute (so don't forget to send her $130,000)

According to The Associated Press, President Trump will take a 17-day vacation starting tomorrow at his golf club in New Jersey. Seventeen days in New Jersey doesn’t sound like a vacation, it sounds like an episode of “I Survived.” That’s more days than Chris Christie has spent in New Jersey. I’m pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey, you become an honorary member of the E Street Band. –Seth Meyers

A pair of New England Patriots players were kicked out of practice this week after getting into a fight during drills. Wow, even the New England Patriots hate the New England Patriots. –Seth Meyers

Today was National Girlfriends Day, so don't forget to send her $130,000. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids (Wanna know a secret?)

Today was the one-year anniversary of the Russia investigation, and President Trump marked the occasion by tweeting, “Congratulations, America, we are now into the second year of the greatest witch hunt in American history.” I gotta say, I’m excited because season two is when they start killing off the characters nobody likes. --Seth Meyers

The White House announced today that President Trump would donate his first quarter’s salary to the Department of Veterans Affairs. It’s just a little less money than he’s given to veterans of his affairs. --Seth Meyers

Donald Trump told the Associated Press yesterday that he had whittled down his list of possible running mates to "five or six people." Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, THAT’S what the red button on his desk is for. Whew, thank God! (Normal Florida wedding proceeds without incident)

A picture went viral of a man delivering a 30-gallon tub of Cinnabon frosting on a bus — or as we call him in my house, Santa Claus. You just know everyone on that bus was like, “Forget my stop, I’ve got to see how this ends.” 30 gallons — that’s enough for nearly two Cinnabons. –James Corden

A Fox News headline read “Bikini-clad bride weds groom in overalls, caps off Florida wedding with roll in the mud.” The honest headline should have read “Normal Florida wedding proceeds without incident.” --James Corden

The Associated Press revealed that President Trump has a single red button on his Oval Office desk that he can push at any time and have a butler bring him a Coke. And I think I speak for everyone when I say: Oh, THAT’S what the red button on his desk is for. Whew, thank God! –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey, you become an honorary member of the E Street Band (National Girlfriends Day)

And finally, soccer's governing body, FIFA, announced yesterday that it has added a new rule prohibiting goalkeepers from throwing the ball into the other team's net. "Eh, you get used to it," said the Knicks. --Seth Meyers

Today was National Girlfriends Day, so don't forget to send her $130,000. --Seth Meyers

According to The Associated Press, President Trump will take a 17-day vacation starting tomorrow at his golf club in New Jersey. Seventeen days in New Jersey doesn’t sound like a vacation, it sounds like an episode of “I Survived.” That’s more days than Chris Christie has spent in New Jersey. I’m pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey, you become an honorary member of the E Street Band. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I gave birth to a water cooler, Richard! (he only hid it medium well)

Donald Trump told the Associated Press yesterday that he had whittled down his list of possible running mates to "five or six people." Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids. –Seth Meyers

A woman in Texas broke a hospital record recently after delivering a nearly 15-pound baby. So good luck to her husband on ever complaining about anything again. "Oh, you have a headache? I gave birth to a water cooler, Richard!" --Seth Meyers

"60 Minutes" correspondent Morley Safer will formally retire this week after 46 seasons with the show. Safer made his name as a young reporter covering the landmark case of "Asteroid v. Dinosaurs." –Seth Meyers

Police in Ohio recently arrested a man for allegedly stealing meat from a supermarket after catching him with steak in his pants. The steak was visible, because he only hid it medium well. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s getting more presidential every day (Thank you, Malibu Barbie!)

Just to be clear, there is no way Ted Cruz could even get the nomination. He's now like a 6 year old, pretending to be president. I'm pretty sure we're going to see Ted Cruz drive around in a minivan with “Air Force One” spray painted on the sides. He'll be dressing up all of his daughters’ dolls like advisers going, “Yes, that is a good point about healthcare. Thank you, Malibu Barbie!” –James Corden

In this version, Alexa uses a simpler vocabulary, praises kids when they say "please," and finds content to share with kids whenever they say "I'm bored." So far, Eric Trump is loving it! --James Corden

There is a new trend in U.K. corporate policy where employees are being given paid time off so that they can acclimate a new pet to their home. They’re calling it “pawternity” leave. You can read more about this story 10 years from now in the book about how China took over the world. –James Corden

The Associated Press revealed that President Trump has a single red button on his Oval Office desk that he can push at any time and have a butler bring him a Coke. And I think I speak for everyone when I say: Oh, THAT’S what the red button on his desk is for. Whew, thank God! –James Corden

Earlier in his campaign, Trump was calling Carly Fiorina ugly. Now he’s saying he might pick her up if she falls down. Guys, that’s growth. He’s getting more presidential every day. –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Didn't you think China overtook us already? (More bad news for Republicans)

December 2012

"According to The Associated Press, China will soon overtake the United States as the world's number one global trader. Which is actually good news for most Americans. Didn't you think China overtook us already?" –Jay Leno

"The unemployment rate has fallen to its lowest level in nearly four years. The bad news is that most of those jobs involve wearing a red suit, a beard, and having kids pee in your lap." –Jay Leno

"According to a new study at UCLA, Latinos live longer than non-Latinos. More bad news for Republicans." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We need to give that money to rich people on Wall Street (think outside the box)

"President Obama said our country is facing another Sputnik moment, which is well over the heads of a lot of young people. They think Sputnik is Snooki's older sister." –Jay Leno

"A social networking revolution has started in Saudi Arabia. Over 10 million Saudis are now online. In fact, the most popular social networking site for women in Saudi Arabia: 'Cover-Your-Facebook.'" –Jay Leno

"And according to the Associated Press, this article was in the paper today. Sarah Palin's church in Alaska is promoting a conference that promises to convert gays into heterosexuals through the power of prayer. They call it 'Pray away the gay.' I'm not making it up. That's the name of it. That's the name of the sermon, 'pray away the gay.' Hey, it's a lot better than the original title, 'think outside the box.'" --Jay Leno

"More bad news from President Bush. Remember those rebate checks from a few months ago? He wants them back. We need to give that money to rich people on Wall Street. They need it more than you do." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I don’t know, dance in the streets? (Climate Change Just Got Real)

Donald Trump sat down for an interview with the Associated Press and it started out on friendly terms with the interviewer saying, “Thank you for doing this.” To which Trump replied, “What are you going to do in six and a half years with a normal boring person in here?” I don’t know, dance in the streets? --Stephen Colbert

Of course, the president and his petrochemical pals would like you to ignore global warming altogether, but that may not be possible soon because a new study says that beer prices could double because of climate change. Or as the brothers at Sigma Phi Epsilon put it, “Climate Change Just Got Real.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

This guy was cheating on his hooker with another hooker (pump money into the economy)

"Republican Senator and family values conservative -- that's what he calls himself -- Senator David Vitter of Louisiana admitted he was a client of the so called  DC Madam in Washington. See, this is so wrong. At least use a hooker from your own state. I mean they're gonna pump money into the economy, make it your own." --Jay Leno

"Well now more problems with this Vitter guy. You gotta go on his website, he's like Mr. Religious, Mr. Family Values. Well now a second madam has come forward and told the Associated Press that he was also a customer at her brothel. This guy was cheating on his hooker with another hooker." --Jay Leno

     

A magisterial collection. An emotional rollercoaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984. http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

We had to struggle with the old enemies of peace (corn dog pudding)

"According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republicans is 'none of the above.' At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third, just behind 'Good Lord, not him.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, the White House chef says that President Bush's favorite meal is cheeseburger pizza. Next on the president's list -- nacho spaghetti and corn dog pudding." --Conan O'Brien

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulse #collectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

I’m pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey, you become an honorary member of the E Street Band

According to The Associated Press, President Trump will take a 17-day vacation starting tomorrow at his golf club in New Jersey. Seventeen days in New Jersey doesn’t sound like a vacation, it sounds like an episode of “I Survived.” That’s more days than Chris Christie has spent in New Jersey. I’m pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey, you become an honorary member of the E Street Band. –Seth Meyers

According to The Hollywood Reporter, President Trump was being considered for the role of president in the 2015 TV movie “Sharknado 3,” and was upset when the job was given to someone else, and then even more upset [shows photo of Hillary on movie poster] when he found out who got it. –Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #repealreplacerepublicans #FeeltheBern #Bernie2020 @BrandNew535 @justicedems 

From Across the Summit, Their Eyes Met (a little too much experience)

"And according to the Associated Press, this article was in the paper today. Sarah Palin's church in Alaska is promoting a conference that promises to convert gays into heterosexuals through the power of prayer. They call it 'Pray away the gay.' I'm not making it up. That's the name of it. That's the name of the sermon, 'pray away the gay.' Hey, it's a lot better than the original title, 'think outside the box.'" --Jay Leno 



"Last night, ABC News aired the first televised interview with Sarah Palin. And I don't know if you saw this, but Palin stumbled a bit because she had never heard of the Bush doctrine. Yeah. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'That's okay. I haven't either.'" --Conan O'Brien



"You know, they're watching this interview, this is the first time she's really sat down and talked. Political experts say that during the interview, she did a pretty good job convincing voters that she's qualified. Yeah, Palin says she has plenty of experience, and that her daughter has a little too much experience." --Conan O'Brien



http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #FeeltheBern @justicedems @BrandNew535 #Bernie2020

Do Not Resuscitate (Sorry. Sorry for that image)

"And according to the Associated Press, this article was in the paper today. Sarah Palin's church in Alaska is promoting a conference that promises to convert gays into heterosexuals through the power of prayer. They call it 'Pray away the gay.' I'm not making it up. That's the name of it. That's the name of the sermon, 'pray away the gay.' Hey, it's a lot better than the original title, 'think outside the box.'" --Jay Leno 



"Now the latest political commercial by Barack Obama, I don't know if you've seen it, it attempts to portray John McCain as being unfamiliar with technology. Yeah. McCain was outraged, and he responded in an email, or as McCain calls it, a computer letter from the future. He doesn't know how it works."  --Conan O'Brien



"This morning, John McCain, I don't know if you saw this, he appeared as a guest on 'The View.' Did you see that? Yeah, there was kind of an awkward moment when McCain looked at Barbara Walters, he looked at her up and down and said, 'Man, if I was 20 years younger...' Sorry. Sorry for that image." --Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Oh, THAT’S what the red button on Trump's desk is for. Whew, thank God!

L.A. is one of the two finalists to host the 2024 Olympics. So if you want to attend one of the events in L.A., you should get on the freeway now. –Conan O’Brien

In Philadelphia, police are looking for a man who robbed a Dunkin’ Donuts, and was caught on a surveillance camera doing some stretches in the parking lot just beforehand. Police are on the lookout for the only health-conscious person to ever enter a Dunkin’ Donuts. –Conan O’Brien

The Associated Press revealed that President Trump has a single red button on his Oval Office desk that he can push at any time and have a butler bring him a Coke. And I think I speak for everyone when I say: Oh, THAT’S what the red button on his desk is for. Whew, thank God! –James Corden

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #Bernie2020 #JusticeDemocrats

Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids

I'm sorry, but saying Donald Trump could be a capable leader is not very reassuring. If you are about to have an operation and they tell you that your doctor could be a capable surgeon, you would be like, “You know what? It was a minor heart attack. I'm good. Don't worry.” –James Corden

Donald Trump yesterday began walking back his proposed ban on Muslim immigration and called the plan a suggestion rather than a firm policy idea. In much the same way he doesn't have hair so much as the suggestion of hair. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump told the Associated Press yesterday that he had whittled down his list of possible running mates to "five or six people." Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids. –Seth Meyers

Do they think it means delicious?

A new poll conducted by the Associated Press shows a majority of Republican voters think Donald Trump is the most electable Republican candidate. Saying Donald Trump is the most electable candidate is like saying glazed is the healthiest doughnut. Is it possible people don't know what the word electable means? Do they think it means delicious? –Jimmy Kimmel

Meanwhile, Jeb Bush is trying to get momentum going by releasing a new book. It's a collection of emails he sent and received when he was governor of Florida. The book is called "Reply all." Because nothing gets people excited like group email. –Jimmy Kimmel

In addition to the book, Jeb is launching the "Jeb can fix it" tour. Their new slogan: "Jeb can fix it." Fix the election? That might be his only hope. –Jimmy Kimmel