You know you're in pretty bad shape when you can't even give away a Hummer (And that's just the medicine cabinet)

"It's a bad day for General Motors. They're shutting down the Hummer. The Chinese were going to buy it, but after careful consideration, the Chinese decided they don't want it. You know you're in pretty bad shape when you can't even give away a Hummer." –Craig Ferguson

"Did you hear that Rush Limbaugh's Manhattan penthouse is on the market for $14 million? It's an amazing property. Over 4,000 square feet. And that's just the medicine cabinet." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's a great way to spend quality time with strangers outside gas stations (90 more years of Justin Bieber)

The jackpot is up, an enormous sum. Playing the Powerball is a

great way to spend quality time with strangers outside gas

stations. –Jimmy Kimmel

According to a new government report, more Americans are living to be 100 years old and older than ever. Which is scary because it means we could have 90 more years of Justin Bieber. –Jimmy Kimmel

"A new Gallup poll shows that only 1 in 10 Americans approve of the job Congress is doing. A 10 percent approval rating is about the same approval rating that rabies has." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It's hard enough to hide porn from one wife (Could you f****** not?)

"Isn't it odd how history's greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer." –Craig Ferguson

"The Navy SEALs found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's bedroom. Must have been tricky. It's hard enough to hide porn from one wife." –Craig Ferguson

"The CIA is going through the stuff they found in Osama bin Laden's compound, including a diary. I didn't know he had a diary. That is so sweet. They haven't read the diary yet because they can't find the little key to open it up." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And those are just the ones I had a dream about last night (Behold! The Invisible Woman!)

Donald Trump has been pandering like this wherever he goes. In New York, he said pizza is the best. In Portland, he said gluten is the devil's handiwork. And in Florida, he said nothing beats doing meth in a Walmart parking lot. –James Corden

Celebrities can't move to Canada, that's not how this works. All of America's best celebrities come from Canada. Ryan Gosling? Canadian. Justin Bieber? Canadian. Ryan Reynolds? Canadian. And those are just the ones I had a dream about last night. –James Corden

But it makes sense that Trump tells the most fibs of any president — even the color of his skin is a lie. –James Corden

This morning, President Trump made a special phone call to his favorite television program, "Fox & Friends." Trump and the hosts talked about lots of things, and at one point, he was asked to grade his presidency. Take a look at what he said. [Trump clip] “I would give myself an A-plus.” An A-plus! From where — Trump University? --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, you know it's rough when they have to strip the Eiffel Tower for parts (4 Large Heroins)

January 2023

“Hey, I heard that due to some major delays, Paris is rushing to finish construction work in time for the 2024 Olympics. Apparently, the delays have been caused by a steel shortage. Yeah, you know it's rough when they have to strip the Eiffel Tower for parts.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Justin Bieber just sold his entire music catalog for $200 Million. Yeah, asked what he's going to do with the money, Bieber said, ‘Buy a dozen eggs.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“The city of Philadelphia is so desperate for lifeguards that they're recruiting applicants who can't swim. Even worse, they're letting the lifeguards work from home.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’m celibate, this is all I have (but for some reason I just completely lost interest)

A new study came out that found the more porn a man watches, the less motivation he has. I was going to read more about the study, but for some reason I just completely lost interest. –Conan O’Brien

Over the weekend, Pope Francis gave his support to a woman who was publicly breastfeeding. The Pope defended himself saying, "I’m celibate, this is all I have." –Conan O’Brien

The parents of a 6-year-old Canadian boy are angry because he’s been put on the no-fly list. TSA agents said, “We’re trying to prevent the next Bieber.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will (88%)

June 2014

"I guess now Dick Cheney knows what it feels like when someone you thought was a friend shoots you in the face." --Jon Stewart on Fox News' Megyn Kelly calling out Cheney for being wrong on Iraq

"It was not a great weekend for the American soccer fan. We're still recovering from a draw with Portugal, 2-2. It was a long game, four points total, and America didn't win. If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will." –Craig Ferguson 

"People are disappointed by the World Cup match. I haven't seen this much disappointment since they announced Ben Affleck was playing Batman. Since Justin Bieber avoided jail. Since Honey Boo Boo's family went to a vegan restaurant. Since Whole Foods in L.A. ran out of kale." –Craig Ferguson

"A tie in the World Cup puts the U.S. in a tough spot because the next game isn't until Thursday, so people in L.A. have to pretend to care about soccer for another 72 hours." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, look who's just as cool as Kanye Bieber (Eh, it's been done)

"The St. Louis Rams made history on Saturday by drafting Michael Sam, making him the first openly gay player in the NFL. Yep, an NFL player who's never been with a woman — or as Tim Tebow put it, 'Eh, it's been done.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that 87 percent of high school seniors are less than proficient in U.S. history. Not me. In fact, when I was a senior, I did a 10-page paper on my favorite president, George Jefferson." –Jimmy Fallon

Some male celebrities, like Kanye West and Justin Bieber, are wearing ripped jeans that cost up to $900. Or as dads with only one old pair of jeans put it, "Well, look who's just as cool as Kanye Bieber." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's the best thing since ripped up bread (Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable)

"Isn't it odd how history's greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer." –Craig Ferguson

"Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same." –Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden kept a diary. Well that's very sweet, isn't it? Turns out his secret desire was to sneak into New York and catch a showing of 'Mamma Mia.' He briefly considered joining the cast of 'Two and a Half Men.'" –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All I can say is, way to go, Wolf Blitzer! (Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming)

It’s been reported that a contributor to CNN has been having an affair with Ted Cruz. All I can say is, way to go, Wolf Blitzer! –Conan O’Brien

"Sarah Palin visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. There was an awkward moment when she said, 'So this is what keeps the Mexicans out?'" –Conan O'Brien

"People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber." –Conan O'Brien

"On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why they're apologizing all the time. They responded saying, 'Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There hasn't been so much security at The Gap since the time Lindsey Lohan showed up (Couldn’t get any douchier?)

March 2014

"Today President Obama went shopping at The Gap. There hasn't been so much security at The Gap since the time Lindsey Lohan showed up." –David Letterman

"Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are back together. Finally, Obama makes good on a campaign promise." –David Letterman

"A right wing pastor is saying that the movie "Frozen" will turn kids gay. He also warned that the movie '300' will turn right wing pastors gay." –Conan O’Brien

"President Obama recently sent the Prime Minister of Canada two cases of White House-brewed beer after losing a bet. Obama bet him that Justin Bieber couldn’t get any douchier." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Vladimir Putin threw them a poison state dinner (complete narcissistic moron)

February 2014

"The big event in the Olympics will be the U.S. playing Canada in men's hockey. This is the most that Americans have wanted to see Canadians beaten since they sent us Justin Bieber." –Conan O'Brien

"Russia won the gold medal in women's figure skating. The Russian skater said she was inspired by her family, her coaches, and what happened to the losing, and now missing, Russian men's hockey team." –Conan O'Brien

"The Russians were supposed to do well in men's and women's hockey. Now they've both been eliminated. Not from competition; actually eliminated. They're gone. Vladimir Putin threw them a poison state dinner." –David Letterman

"In Florida there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to let women vote." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's been made an honorary member of the U.S. snowboarding team (The Corporate War On Us)

February 2014

"Norway currently leads the medal count with 12, followed by the Netherlands and Canada, followed then by white-sylvania and albino-stan. The Winter Games are really the only games that to do well, you have to look exactly like the surface you're competing on." –Jon Stewart

"Yesterday Matt Lauer jokingly blamed Bob Costas' eye infection on Russian President Vladimir Putin. Yeah, and today police are wondering: Where in the world is Matt Lauer?" –Conan O'Brien

"The Slovenian woman who won the gold medal in alpine skiing is also a pop star in her country. So Justin Bieber is not the only pop star going downhill fast." –Conan O'Brien

"Bob Costas had to take a break from hosting the Olympics coverage due to an eye infection. In fact, his eyes are so bloodshot, he's been made an honorary member of the U.S. snowboarding team." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

10,000 monologue jokes (I Am National Nurses United)

February 2014

"We’ve done over 10,000 monologue jokes over the last five years. And in case you missed any of them, the best way I could summarize those jokes is that Joe Biden needed Obamacare after Anthony Weiner texted Justin Bieber a picture of Chris Christie dating a Kardashian on the Jersey Shore – with Rob Ford." –Jimmy Fallon

"Organizers for the Sochi Olympics have had trouble filling seats for the biathlon. This is because Vladimir Putin is warning people away from any event containing 'bi.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"There are rumors that the Russian government placed cameras in the hotel bathrooms in Sochi. Russia said, 'Don't worry, our cameras don't work either.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Today at the Winter Olympics, temperatures reached almost up to 60 degrees. In other words, the only thing higher than the temperature were the U.S. snowboarders." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This guy has been systematically terminating women named Sarah for many years now (Joint sessions)

According to a new government report, more Americans are living to be 100 years old and older than ever. Which is scary because it means we could have 90 more years of Justin Bieber. –Jimmy Kimmel

Last night was caucus night in Iowa and Ted Cruz was the winner on the Republican side with 28 percent of the vote. Donald Trump came in second with 24 percent, and Marco Rubio is right behind him with 23 percent. Third is pretty good considering the fact that most Iowa voters think that Marco Rubio is a game you play in the swimming pool. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, tonight in Washington, President Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address before a joint session of Congress. Joint session sounds like more fun than it is." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Governor Schwarzenegger is in a bit of a feud with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin right now. They're fighting about global warming. Palin says it isn't proven. Schwarzenegger said she's 'living in the Stone Age.' And Palin really should know not to mess with Arnold Schwarzenegger. This guy has been systematically terminating women named Sarah for many years now." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which sounds to me more Fire Island than Staten Island (Just an average day for Florida Man!)

January 2014

"The President gave a great State of the Union address. The President said we must stay vigilant against foreign threats – and yet – Justin Bieber remains a free man." –Bill Maher

"One congressman brought with him as his guest to the State of the Union the Duck Dynasty guy. Wild guess which party. It was Republican Congressman from Louisiana Vance McAllister. When asked why he said, swear to God, 'I wanted to bring some diversity to our nation's capital.' Yes, affirmative action for rednecks! This is what this nation needs. When will white people get a seat at the table in this country?"  –Bill Maher

"Poor Atlanta…what a thing they went through with that winter storm…drivers were stranded, traffic was at a standstill and everyone was asking the same question: 'What did we do to piss off Chris Christie?'" –Bill Maher

"It seems like every week we get introduced to some new frothing lunatic who's actually in Congress, and this week it was Michael Grimm. He's a Republican from Gold's Gym. I'm sorry Staten Island. His hobbies are lifting weights and losing his temper. He was being interviewed after the State of the Union by some reporter, and apparently got pissed off and threatened to throw the reporter off the balcony, and said to him, 'I will break you in half like a boy.' Which sounds to me more Fire Island than Staten Island." –Bill Maher

"Ted Cruz already is calling Obama the 'Imperial President,' which he sees as a threat to his title, 'Supreme A**hole.'" –Bill Maher

"New Rule: If polls show we now live in an America that can accept gay marriage and legal marijuana it's time we knocked over the next social domino – Puritanism - especially as it pertains to our elected leaders. Let's stop being a nation of grade school prudes about adult consensual sex and accept that politicians aren't boy scouts – that's just a costume they wear on Grindr." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

I liked him better when he was just a menace to music (Drinking games)

January 2014

"Justin Bieber was booked for assault for an incident that happened in December. Boy, this kid is on a real crime spree. He's become a menace to society. I liked him better when he was just a menace to music." –Jimmy Kimmel

"By the way, when you have Justin Bieber and Rob Ford in the same place, it's like Gotham City getting attacked by the Joker and the Penguin at once." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Super Bowl this year will be played in Governor Chris Christie's home state of New Jersey. It's a state that lately has gotten used to 300-pound guys blocking things." –Conan O'Brien

"Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton's decision to run for president won't affect his decision to launch a campaign. While Hillary says Biden's decision to run for president won't affect her becoming president." –Jimmy Fallon

"Once again, President Obama will grant an interview to a journalist from the network broadcasting the Super Bowl. The game is on Fox this year, so Bill O'Reilly will do the interview. I'm taking O'Reilly with the points." –Jimmy Kimmel

"When Sunday's Super Bowl is finished, it will be followed by the Republican rebuttal." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry

 

So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch (Quockerwodgers)

January 2014

"At last night's State of the Union address, President Obama renewed his call for a path to citizenship for illegal aliens. Yeah, that was popular. Even more popular, though, was his roadblock to citizenship for Justin Bieber. That went over huge." –Conan O'Brien

"In anticipation of the Winter Olympics, a female curling champion released some sexy photos of herself curling in lingerie. When asked for comment, Americans said they're still not going to watch curling." –Conan O'Brien

"How many of you folks watched the State of the Union speech last night? How many of you watched just for the commercials?" –David Letterman

"Oprah Winfrey is 60 years old today. All federal offices and banks are closed." –David Letterman

"Immediately after the State of the Union address, Joe Theisman delivered the Prostate of the Union." –David Letterman

"The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming over there now is the Olympic torch." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

she’s now co-starring in the next Nicolas Cage movie (Fluffles)

January 2014

"President Obama’s chief speechwriter said the president started working on his State of the Union address around Thanksgiving. In a related story today, Joe Biden finished GIVING a speech he started around Thanksgiving." –Conan O’Brien

"It’s tradition that one cabinet member does not attend the State of the Union address and is kept in a secret, undisclosed location. So this year the cabinet member will be on a prime-time show on NBC." –Conan O’Brien

"Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in the news. He claims he found a way to bring in $50 million for Toronto. America will pay him to take Justin Bieber back." –Conan O’Brien

"The royal family has reportedly burned through its money and is now strapped for cash. In fact, Queen Elizabeth needs money so badly she’s now co-starring in the next Nicolas Cage movie." –Conan O’Brien

"A petition on the WhiteHouse.gov website asks the U.S. to deport Justin Bieber. If they get 100,000 signatures, the White House has to respond. They already have 87,000. The Canadian military is scrambling jets and mobilizing troops along the border to make sure this doesn’t happen." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”