she gets to wear her birthday tiara all year long

In San Diego near the border of Mexico, the federal agents found a tunnel that is 800 yards long. Which, imagine running a touch down the full length of the field eight times. Thank God for football or I wouldn't have any sense of distance. –Jimmy Kimmel

Today is National High Five Day. Derek Smith claimed he came up with the high five while he was playing for the University of Louisville in 1979. That seems wrong because I'm pretty sure Jesus gave high fives after the loaves and fishes thing. –Jimmy Kimmel

Queen Elizabeth is having her portrait done by Annie Leibowitz. She's releasing a new stamp in her honor in May. There is a public celebration of her birthday. In June there is a service at St. Paul's plus a big parade — and she gets to wear her birthday tiara all year long. –Stephen Colbert

President Obama sang to Usher

At the White House the other day, President Obama sang to Usher. And because the president was singing, Usher went to the Situation Room and approved a drone strike in Syria. –Conan O’Brien

The University of Louisville is being accused of luring basketball recruits to the school with strippers and prostitutes. To be fair, college ball is supposed to prepare them for life in the NBA. –Conan O’Brien