See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high (Good luck with your next marriage)

Tomorrow, by the way, is Valentine’s Day. This is the first you’re hearing it? Good luck with your next marriage. –Jimmy Kimmel

House Republicans have unveiled their much-anticipated new healthcare plan that’s supposed to replace Obamacare. Here’s what we know about it so far: The new plan stresses personal responsibility. For too long Americans have relied on other people, like doctors and nurses, for their healthcare. –Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Oprah's entire set was made of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

all the handmaids had new cars (you’re carrying something)

Oprah made a cameo in this week's episode of "The Handmaid's Tale." And by the end of the show, all the handmaids had new cars. --Jimmy Fallon

“Everyone is talking about the Supreme Court after they made some pretty major decisions over the last few days, and let me just sum it up for you: They basically said whether it’s a gun or a baby, you’re carrying something.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like being married to a Kardashian (NOW what's Oprah going to do for her last guest?)

"It's been two years since the SEAL team busted in and got Osama bin Laden. On the night of the raid, the guy never knew what hit him. It's like being married to a Kardashian." –David Letterman

"When I heard bin Laden had been killed I went, 'Oh, great. NOW what's Oprah going to do for her last guest?'" –David Letterman

"Al-Qaida has a new leader. Experts are calling him a temporary leader - and so is SEAL Team 6. " -David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s like the reverse Oprah (spoiler alerts)

Donald Trump plans to accept a super luxury Boeing jumbo jet from the royal family of Qatar, with an estimated value of $400 million. The aircraft would be used by Trump as a new Air Force One and then transferred to the Trump Presidential Library Foundation shortly before he leaves office. What? Qatar is giving us a plane that Trump gets to keep? He’s like the reverse Oprah – ‘I get a jet! … and that’s it. I get a jet, for my library.’ Why does his library need a jet? ‘Yeah, I’m calling from Europe, and I need a book about Trump by morning. And the book must travel in the comfort and style one can only get from Qatar.’ The 13-year-old 747 plane, known as the most luxurious private jet in the world, boasts the biggest master bedroom in the sky, several private offices and nine bathrooms. That is not a plane. That is a flying fuck palace. I’m not going to tell Trump how to run his business, but I would steam the shit out of those carpets. —Jon Stewart

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s a driiifteerrrrr! (because there’s no omelette bar)

A woman who hasn’t even entered the race yet: Minnesota senator and woman realizing no one touched her dish at the potluck, Amy Klobuchar. Senator Klobuchar is expected to announce she’s running for president on Sunday, but there’s a bit of a hitch, because apparently she’s having trouble finding staffers for her campaign, reportedly because Klobuchar’s mistreatment of staff has scared off candidates. I’m kind of shocked. I mean, I’ve interviewed Amy Klobuchar and she’s so nice. This is like getting a car from Oprah and finding a body in the trunk. Colbert as Oprah, “It’s a driiifteerrrrr!” --Stephen Colbert

As you know, I’m a Catholic, but I don’t get to church much these days because there’s no omelette bar. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Other nations would fear us for being so adorable (I never thought I'd say this, but watch your back, Oprah)

"Seventy-six percent of people polled thought that Mitt was short for mittens. I'd vote for him if his name was Mittens Romney. Other nations would fear us for being so adorable." –Craig Ferguson

"The late night wars are finally over. I'm kind of amazed I'm still here, too. Jay Leno said he's going to go on the Oprah Winfrey show and tell his side of the story. I never thought I'd say this, but watch your back, Oprah." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Show and Tell (Yeah yeah, heard you the first time)

I saw that Princess Charlotte went to her first day of nursery school yesterday. It was a little intimidating for the other kids – like for "Show and Tell," she brought Scotland. --Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama is staying at Oprah's house in Hawaii this week. Oprah told her housekeeper to make sure Michelle has clean linens at all times — then Stedman said, 'Yeah yeah, heard you the first time.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's a big improvement from our last president (wealthy, powerful psychopaths)

"Hey, last night I watched Oprah's White House Christmas special. President Obama told Oprah he deserves a 'solid B-plus' for his first year in office. That's a big improvement from our last president, who for the last eight years received a 'WTF.'" –Jimmy Fallon

“According to a survey, during the holidays, most dog owners buy a gift for their pet. Yeah. And then there's the people that are too lazy to shop and just give their dog cash.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

This is a job for alcohol! (They make $10 bills?)

One of the contestants during last night’s Miss USA Pageant said she wished Oprah Winfrey was eligible to replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill. To which Oprah responded, “They make $10 bills?” –Seth Meyers

An Italian winery is releasing five limited-edition bottles of Hello Kitty-themed wine for the holiday season. It’s the perfect gift for your alcoholic niece. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline (he's kind of a bummer to hang out with)

"Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approved a new ceiling for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt was starting to go so high that it was going to go past the legal limit, so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt to every single American, including kids. In other words, the government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it all on Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This is reported to be the 12th time Harold Camping has predicted the end of the world, the first time being in 1978. Not only is he bad at predicting things but he's kind of a bummer to hang out with." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Oh, my God. You look amazing (That's from both of us)

According to a new report, Earth's glaciers have lost 9 trillion metric tons of ice between 1961 and 2016. Said other glaciers, "Oh, my God. You look amazing." --Seth Meyers

It was announced yesterday that Oprah has donated $2 million to Puerto Rico to help with long-term hurricane relief efforts. "That's from both of us," said Stedman. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high (Thin Ice)

"Yesterday, Oprah's entire set was made of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high." –Jimmy Kimmel

Donald Trump cheats on his wife with a porn star while she’s at home with their infant son. Donald Trump has an affair with a Playboy playmate. And Trump illegally pays them both off. And Michael Cohen goes to jail for it. It’s like if Johnnie Cochran did time and not O.J. --Jimmy Kimmel

Deutsch Bank in Germany gave Donald Trump more than $2 Billion in loans. They gave Trump so much money he started calling them dad. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I haven't seen Hillary this worried since they opened a Hooters in Chappaqua (they have no idea that they have no idea)

 

"Did you know Al Gore was voted our second most popular guest ever? Actually he finished first, but the Supreme Court overturned it." --Jay Leno

"Did you see Hillary yesterday on Oprah? Yeah, no jumping up and down about that marriage." --Jay Leno

 

"As you know, Barack Obama has won the last eight primaries. I haven't seen Hillary this worried since they opened a Hooters in Chappaqua." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I bet he feels like he just won a Soul Train award (See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high)

“Just when you think you’ve seen Donald Trump at his Trumpiest, he shows up at a funeral and sets a new world record for ridiculousness. That new record was set at a memorial service for Lynette Hardaway, AKA Diamond of Diamond and Silk, two well-known Trump superfans. Over a hundred mourners gathered to hear the former president wax poetic about one of his most loyal fans, and he almost did. He almost spoke about her. Instead, for 44 minutes, Trump rambled about NAFTA, tax cuts, crowd size, illegal immigration, the election, why they don’t put Melania on magazine covers any more, and bragged about how The Apprentice was the No. 1 show on television. Basically, this speech had all the sincerity and grace you could possibly expect from the man who buried the mother of his children at the 16th hole of his golf course. And the crazy thing is I bet he thinks it went great. I bet he feels like he just won a Soul Train award.” —Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Oprah's entire set was made of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You lose 100% of the elections Democrats and Republicans win (Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well)

"The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well." –Conan O'Brien

"The Vatican said that as soon as the Pope resigns, he will no longer be infallible. The Vatican said it's the same thing that happened to Oprah." –Conan O'Brien

"Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, 'If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"When asked about gay marriage, Donald Trump said, 'It's not my thing.' Trump went on to say marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman he will replace in six years." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

OK, where do I sign the check? (because there’s no omelet bar)

A woman who hasn’t even entered the race yet: Minnesota senator and woman realizing no one touched her dish at the potluck, Amy Klobuchar. Senator Klobuchar is expected to announce she’s running for president on Sunday, but there’s a bit of a hitch, because apparently she’s having trouble finding staffers for her campaign, reportedly because Klobuchar’s mistreatment of staff has scared off candidates. I’m kind of shocked. I mean, I’ve interviewed Amy Klobuchar and she’s so nice. This is like getting a car from Oprah and finding a body in the trunk. Colbert as Oprah, “It’s a driiifteerrrrr!” --Stephen Colbert

“As usual, Donald Trump defended his 25 July phone call with the Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelenskiy, in which he promised aid and then said, ‘I’d like you to do us a favor, though,’ as a ‘very good phone call. I know bad phone calls.’ Oh I’m sure you do, Mr President. [Colbert as Trump]: ‘They always start with ‘I swear I’ve never met her before,’ and they end with ‘OK, where do I sign the check?’” —Stephen Colbert

As you know, I’m a Catholic, but I don’t get to church much these days because there’s no omelet bar. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard (Other nations would fear us for being so adorable)

"Prince William and his lovely bride are pregnant. Buckingham Palace announced Kate is pregnant. They've been married for a year and a half. That's like five marriages for a Kardashian. Kate is said to be very nervous about giving birth. Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard." –Craig Ferguson

"Seventy-six percent of people polled thought that Mitt was short for mittens. I'd vote for him if his name was Mittens Romney. Other nations would fear us for being so adorable." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He described the attack as 'al dente.' (make E.T. pay for it)

"Hey, last night I watched Oprah's White House Christmas special. President Obama told Oprah he deserves a 'solid B-plus' for his first year in office. That's a big improvement from our last president, who for the last eight years received a 'WTF.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is crazy. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was hit in the face at a rally in Rome yesterday. Berlusconi said he wasn't hit too hard, or too soft. He described the attack as 'al dente.'" –Jimmy Fallon

It was revealed that the Pentagon had a top secret program to investigate UFO’s and aliens. Which is why Trump announced plans to build a dome over the earth and make E.T. pay for it. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You realize you're exhausted from watching other men play sports? (It's like we're all married to Kevin Federline)

Did you see that baseball game last night? 14 innings. It was the

second-longest game in World Series history, it was brutal. I'm

exhausted. My wife said to me this morning, “You realize you're

exhausted from watching other men play sports?”

–Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's a good reason to drink, Congress has approved a new ceiling

for the national debt. They had to, because the current national debt

was starting to go so high that it was going to go past the legal limit,

so they just raised it. And our new national debt is $9 trillion, not

million, not billion. To put $9 trillion in perspective, that is more

than Oprah makes in a week. It works out to about $30,000 in debt

to every single American, including kids. In other words, the

government has borrowed $30,000 from each of us and blown it

all on Hummers and grenade launchers. It's like we're all married

to Kevin Federline." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”