People are asking him to please stop using his trampoline (Right back at you)

So, a second earthquake in two days has hit New Jersey. People are asking Chris Christie to please stop using his trampoline. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump said he wonders if Jasmine Crockett is related to the late great Davy Crockett. Now, he's not far off. One fought in the Alamo and the other should work at Alamo. —Greg Gutfeld

Michelle Obama wished her husband Barack a happy 64th birthday and said he's quote the coolest guy I know. Right back at you, he said. —Greg Gutfeld

A naked man wearing nothing but a black gimp mask and sneakers was caught on video prowling the streets of a quiet town in England. You know, maybe I'm getting old, but I can remember a time when Brit Hume spent his vacation in the Hamptons. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In fact the tremors were so strong... (comes in to get a Brazilian)

A 5.2 magnitude earthquake shook Southern California. In fact the tremors were so strong a crack was found in Nancy Pelosi's face. —Greg Gutfeld

An MSNBC analyst claimed that Donald Trump wants to take anyone in America and disappear them, presumably by booking them as an analyst on MSNBC. —Greg Gutfeld

The Department of Imaginary Concerns. It's the same department that brought you Russian collusion, the climate apocalypse, trans kids, plastic straws and now add the effects of tariffs on the “manosphere”. It's the lefty way of condemning tariffs while pretending to care about men. Men who've already fled your party like waxers when Joy Behar comes in to get a Brazilian. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't know what to believe anymore! (that’s amateur hour said Mitch McConnell)

Over the weekend a 4.1 magnitude earthquake shook Los Angeles. The Tremors were so strong LA mayor Karen Bass felt them in Africa. The aftershocks were so intense Gavin Newsom's hair actually moved. In fact one was so strong it actually it actually flipped Gavin back to his original position on trans athletes. —Greg Gutfeld

Over the weekend a guy broke the world record for standing in the same spot for 38 hours straight breaking the previous record of everyone who has been to the DMV. But 38 hours without moving that’s amateur hour said Mitch McConnell. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Anyone else as turned on as I am? (585 earthquakes)

Hillary Clinton recently said it's a “low blow” for Bernie Sanders to criticize her for not being progressive enough. And if you want to know more about that story, do NOT Google “Clinton low blow.” Save yourself. –Jimmy Fallon

After finishing second in New Hampshire’s Republican primary, John Kasich said he can handle attacks by Donald Trump saying, “I'm not gonna sit there and be a marshmallow and have somebody pound me." Then Chris Christie was like, "Anyone else as turned on as I am?" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Authorities swept the area, urging residents to remain even calmer (His. Corporate. Donors. Are.)

Everyone’s OK, but this morning, a 6.5-magnitude earthquake hit California’s prime marijuana-growing county. Authorities swept the area, urging residents to remain even calmer. –Conan O’Brien

The oldest woman in Japan died at the age of one hundred fourteen. And as soon as the funeral is over the family plans to sue the makers of the defective bungee cord. --Conan O’Brien 4/5/2005

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How long is it going to take him to save Barbara Streisand? (his ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters)

"According to a new report the San Andreas Fault right under Los Angeles is ready to explode and cause the biggest earthquake in history. Isn't that frightening? They said it could wipe Malibu off the map. You thought Bush was slow to respond to New Orleans, how long is it going to take him to save Barbara Streisand?" --Jay Leno

“Happy birthday to Mitt Romney, he’s 65 years old. At his party, he didn't blow out the candles. He gave a speech and the candles just flickered and died.” –Jay Leno

"More and more Republicans are calling on Newt Gingrich to drop out of the campaign. Well, I don't want to say things look bad for Newt, but his ex-wives now are starting to outnumber his supporters." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So if you thought you felt an earthquake, don't worry (Now, perhaps a knee to the groin)

“In his forthcoming book, Prince Harry claims that Prince William once knocked him to the floor during an argument about Meghan. Apparently the fight happened at the Buckingham Waffle Palace. It's fun when royals fight 'cause they keep their pinkies out. Harry was shocked because usually when they fight, they just stand back and tell their butlers what to do. ‘Now, perhaps a knee to the groin.’ ‘Choke him out, Jeeves.’”  —Jimmy Fallon

I read about a company that's working on technology that would let your pet video chat with you. It's fun to get a video chat from your dog, but depressing to watch your cat decline your call. --Jimmy Fallon

China's new law allowing couples to have two children instead of just one went into effect in the new year. So if you thought you felt an earthquake, don't worry — it was just a billion people being told they were allowed to have unprotected sex at the exact same moment. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump admitted he made the choice on an empty stomach (What do I have to do?)

For his secretary of labor, President-elect Trump has picked an executive from the fast food restaurants Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s. Afterwards, Trump admitted he made the choice on an empty stomach. –Conan O’Brien

Everyone’s OK, but this morning, a 6.5-magnitude earthquake hit California’s prime marijuana-growing county. Authorities swept the area, urging residents to remain even calmer. –Conan O’Brien

For the second year in a row, Johnny Depp has been named Forbes magazine’s Most Overpaid Actor. After hearing this, Nicolas Cage said, “What do I have to do?” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire (just as our forefathers intended)

"For Halloween, a woman in Vermont is handing out kale to trick-or-treaters. If you're in Vermont and you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire." –Conan O'Brien

"Cosmo magazine is encouraging female students in North Carolina to vote by offering a party bus to the voting polls that includes shirtless male models — just as our forefathers intended." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Stop letting trust fund kids convince you you deserve to suffer (tremendously bouncy/tremendously swirly)

Yesterday, after being briefed on Hurricane Florence, President Trump had this to report: [Trump clip] "They haven't seen anything like what is coming at us in 25, 30 years. Maybe ever. It's tremendously big and tremendously wet." Thank you, President Children's Book, for reminding us that rain is wet, cows go moo, and cars go beep. Later Trump went on to describe earthquakes as "tremendously bouncy" and tornadoes as "tremendously swirly." --James Corden

Yesterday, Donald Trump signed an executive order that will impose sanctions on foreign countries that try to interfere in United States elections. He's trying to stop election interference? He loves election interference! What's next, trying to stop bad spray tans, three-cheeseburger dinners? This is a real change for Trump. Usually when he punishes a foreign person it just means he's getting married again. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Winner of the Lazy Cat Award (li’l shakeroos)

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are being accused of sexism over a new campaign to target female fans by providing simplified explanations of basic rules. But if that’s the most sexist thing that happens in football this year, it's a pretty good year. –Seth Meyers

According to reports, officials at the Department of Agriculture told staffers to avoid the term “climate change” in their research and to use terms like “weather extremes” instead. And instead of earthquakes, they’re now called “li’l shakeroos.” –Seth Meyers

It is being reported that two senior aides were recently fired from the Donald Trump campaign. “Oh no, which two?!” yelled Eric and Donald Jr. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

That guy is a reverse genius (aftershocks)

"Some areas near Dallas experienced a 3.5-magnitude earthquake, which some blame on fracking. However, scientists say that it was more likely aftershocks from Chris Christie celebrating at the Cowboys game." –Jimmy Fallon

"On his radio show yesterday, Rush Limbaugh called supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor a 'reverse racist.' I got to hand it to Limbaugh. That guy is a reverse genius." --Jimmy Fallon

An autograph expert said that Hillary Clinton's autograph is the most valuable of all the candidates. For instance, a Hillary Clinton-signed hat is worth about $1500 dollars, while a Jeb Bush-signed hat is worth...whatever the hat cost originally, minus a few bucks for the Jeb Bush signature. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, it happens more than you’d think, said FBI Agent Seymour Butts. (Yeah yeah, heard you the first time)

"The Winter Olympics are around the corner. President Vladimir Putin says people will be allowed to protest the Winter Olympics as long as they stay in a designated protesting zone. When they asked where the zone is located Putin said, 'Poland.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"First Lady Michelle Obama is staying at Oprah's house in Hawaii this week. Oprah told her housekeeper to make sure Michelle has clean linens at all times — then Stedman said, 'Yeah yeah, heard you the first time.'" –Jimmy Fallon

When an FBI agent first contacted the DNC to tell them they’d been hacked, the person who took the call thought it was a prank. “Yeah, it happens more than you’d think,” said FBI Agent Seymour Butts. –Jimmy Fallon

China's new law allowing couples to have two children instead of just one went into effect in the new year. So if you thought you felt an earthquake, don't worry — it was just a billion people being told they were allowed to have unprotected sex at the exact same moment. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The folks at the top aren't bad guys (Her people are afraid that Dorothy's house could drop on her)

"Ann Coulter is going to be on the show tomorrow night. Security is very tight. In fact, there is even restricted airspace over the studio. Her people are afraid that Dorothy's house could drop on her." --Jay Leno

 "As you know, the National Guard stands by, ready to go into action any time President Bush feels there's a big enough of a disaster, like a major earthquake, a huge flood, a 29% approval rating. Any one of those things could trigger movement." --Jay Leno

"This has been quite a week for Sarah Palin. She's been everywhere promoting her new book. She was on 'Oprah,' 'Good Morning America,' ABC 'World News,' 'Nightline,' Barbara Walters. Not to be outdone, next week, John McCain will be the guest corpse on 'CSI.'" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

He thinks the government should just make more ice cubes (tremendously bouncy-tremendously swirly)

The only people President Trump feels he can really trust are family, which explains why he starts a new family every few years. --James Corden

If you think Trump's economic ideas are crazy, you should hear Trump's plan for global warming. He thinks the government should just make more ice cubes. --James Corden

Yesterday, after being briefed on Hurricane Florence, President Trump had this to report: [Trump clip] "They haven't seen anything like what is coming at us in 25, 30 years. Maybe ever. It's tremendously big and tremendously wet." Thank you, President Children's Book, for reminding us that rain is wet, cows go moo, and cars go beep. Later Trump went on to describe earthquakes as "tremendously bouncy" and tornadoes as "tremendously swirly." --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Instead of earthquakes, they’re now called “li’l shakeroos.” (Our idiot son-in-law)

According to reports, officials at the Department of Agriculture told staffers to avoid the term “climate change” in their research and to use terms like “weather extremes” instead. And instead of earthquakes, they’re now called “li’l shakeroos.” –Seth Meyers

It was announced today that first lady Melania Trump's parents are now officially U.S. citizens. They passed their citizenship test when they were asked, “Who's the president of the United States?” and they replied, “Our idiot son-in-law.” --Seth Meyers

“During her opening statement in tonight’s Democratic debate, Senator Elizabeth Warren said that President Trump disgraces the office of the president every single day, which isn’t fair, because he’s really only in the office like twice a week.” --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's what they're doing right now for Hillary Clinton (Thanks, but I'm happily married)

May 2014

"The earthquake damaged the Washington Monument. They had to do some sandblasting, had to have the graffiti removed, and then they filled in the cracks with some sort of sealant. It's what they're doing right now for Hillary Clinton." –David Letterman

"During his trip to the White House yesterday, Uruguay's president said that more Americans should be bilingual. Then Joe Biden said, 'Thanks, but I'm happily married.'' –Jimmy Fallon 

"A federal judge ruled yesterday that Idaho's ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional, so now it's legal for gay couples to get married. Idaho's gay people all cheered – from their homes in San Francisco and New York." –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the shooting stopped as soon as they found out Geraldo wasn't there (especially if people talk on them while driving)

"The new White House press spokesman is Fox News Channel's Tony Snow. This is the White House's third new face in two weeks, which breaks Kenny Rogers' old record." --Jay Leno

 

"Speaking of that, a Fox News crew was shot at on live TV as they revealed detailed information about Israeli troop movements. Now we're not 100% sure who did the shooting, but the interesting part is the shooting stopped as soon as they found out Geraldo wasn't there."  --Jay Leno

 

"Here's a remarkable story of recovery. Seems a brain-injured man who had been in a coma for the last six years is now awake -- eating and speaking with his family. In fact, you know what you call a man who has been in a coma for the last six years? Mr. President." --Jay Leno on George W. Bush

"According to a new report the San Andreas Fault right under Los Angeles is ready to explode and cause the biggest earthquake in history. Isn't that frightening? They said it could wipe Malibu off the map. You thought Bush was slow to respond to New Orleans, how long is it going to take him to save Barbara Streisand?" --Jay Leno

 "Earlier today, President Bush vetoed funding for stem cell research. See, I don't think he really understands these issues. President Bush said today, 'Stem cells may be dangerous, especially if people talk on them while driving.'" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

unless of course you're a Democrat watching Ann Coulter on the Today Show (You see, it really is hard out there for a pimp)

"Yesterday was 666. And the devil did not show up yesterday,

unless of course you're a Democrat watching Ann Coulter

on the 'Today Show.'" --Jay Leno

"Republican congressman Randy 'Duke' Cunningham

sentenced to 8 years in prison. You see, it really is hard

out there for a pimp." --Jay Leno

"Anybody notice that for daylight saving, the change

is later this year? It was supposed to be last week.

According to the New York Times, Congress made

this decision in part from pressure from the candy

lobby, who wanted an extra hour for trick or treating.

Isn't that unbelievable? I mean, the research lobby

can't get stem cell research through. The consumer

lobby, we can't get lead out of toys. But by God,

when it comes to an extra hour of eating sugar,

the candy lobby has the power." --Jay Leno

"What is it with all these gay Republican sex scandals?

Remember the old days when a politician would just

put his hand in your pockets to get your money."

--Jay Leno

"According to a new report the San Andreas Fault

right under Los Angeles is ready to explode and

cause the biggest earthquake in history. Isn't that

frightening? They said it could wipe Malibu off the

map. You thought Bush was slow to respond to

New Orleans, how long is it going to take him

to save Barbara Streisand?" --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”