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Showing posts with label Elton John. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Elton John. Show all posts

Wednesday, June 25, 2025

As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally? (The loser keeps Hasselhoff)


"The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff." –Craig Ferguson


"We have as a guest tonight Archbishop Desmond Tutu. I’m going to ask the question that's on everyone’s mind: 'As a bishop, do you always have to move diagonally?'" –Craig Ferguson


"You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own." –Craig Ferguson


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Friday, May 16, 2025

When it comes to self-reflection the media is less curious than Elton John around a stack of Playboys (late for my pole dancing class)


So remember the I word, inflation. Neither does the media because it no longer works for them. And what about the stock market? The media had investors stepping out on a ledge and not just to drop a water balloon on the homeless guy below. Tariffs were supposed to cause such an economic collapse that it convinced me to stop paying my writers. 


And what of the assertion that Trump would be a laughingstock on the global stage? Have you seen what's going on in the Middle East? They're giving him jets as a housewarming gift. Biden wasn't even worth a barf bag and an extra bag of sun chips. Americans are sick of it. A recent poll found that 49% of voters think media bias is getting worse compared to just 11% who see it getting better. Meanwhile 44% of voters agree with this statement that no matter how much you hate the media it's not enough. 


You know I have that same feeling but it's for sharing an elevator with Brit Hume after he's had his sardine smoothie. But that's not just losing trust. That's burning down an entire industry and peeing on the ashes. This hatred is bipartisan. Not just Trump bros and monster trucks playing Kid Rock at max volume. We're talking independents, centrists, even bored libs who keep getting let down because they're being led down the path of defeat.


So it raises a new question. If we're tired of the media's lies why aren't they tired of it too? I mean I can understand a liar continuing to lie if it pays off. That’s how I talk my way past the height restrictions on most roller coasters. But what if the filter you use keeps predicting the wrong outcome, wouldn't you get tired of that? Wouldn’t you go back to the drawing board when you see that it doesn't work anymore? It's like when I realized I can't keep firing my secretaries when they won't date me. 


Again, it's one thing to make millions selling swamp land in Florida but it's another thing to try to sell swamp land and it's you who ends up in the moss and the mud. The grift isn't just not working out on us, it's not working for them either. And surely by now the media and Dems have heard enough from the criticism. They're out of ideas.


They're too woke, too disconnected from voters. But it’s clear they still ignore it because they haven't changed. But what they can't ignore is that the filter they're using to perceive reality predicts nothing except defeat and misery.


Think of the mindset that led them to embrace the Maryland dad. That led them to think men could play in women's sports. That led them to think this corpse called Joe Biden was conscious or this clown Kamala Harris could win. Their mindset led them to think parents would accept tampons in boys bathrooms and drag queens in school libraries. I could go on but then I would be late for my pole dancing class. 


I mean imagine if you were a gambler and you had this system that picked horses but every single time you lost. Wouldn't you dump your betting strategy or at the very least pick up a healthier habit like meth. When your frame of reference leads to defeat at every turn shouldn't you lose that frame of reference? You'd think they would but so far they won’t. When it comes to self-reflection the media is less curious than Elton John around a stack of Playboys. —Greg Gutfeld


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Wednesday, December 11, 2024

They just put the whiskey in a bottle and put the bottle in front of CNN (That can be cured)


A start-up in San Francisco has developed a way to make an aged whiskey in just 24 hours. They just put the whiskey in a bottle and put the bottle in front of CNN. --Seth Meyers


Donald Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway told reporters today that Donald Trump is a huge Elton John fan. “That can be cured,” said Mike Pence. –Seth Meyers


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Monday, November 4, 2024

a big fat Bulldog dressed up like a baked potato (the Dodgers were canceled after seven episodes)



The Dodgers lost in seven games, but in L.A. they talk about baseball a little differently. Here they say, they say that the Dodgers were canceled after seven episodes. –James Corden


According to economists, consumers spent $9 Billion on Halloween merchandise this year. To be fair, the bulk of that $9 Billion was spent by Elton John. The same study says that Americans are spending more and more each year on pet costumes. Or as pets call that: Humiliation. But it was all worth it when you saw that big fat Bulldog dressed up like a baked potato. Totally worth it. --James Corden


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Monday, May 20, 2024

Let's hope they don't show up wearing the same pantsuit (Make Jobs, Not War)


"And Elton John announced this week he's gonna sing at a big fundraiser for Hillary Clinton next month. Is that a good idea? Hillary and Elton on the stage? Let's hope they don't show up wearing the same pantsuit." --Jay Leno


"Actually, one awkward moment in Hungary. See, I don't think President Bush really prepares for these trips. Geography is not his area. He told the people of Budapest that although he believes in Jesus, he respects their leader, Buddha, as well." --Jay Leno


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Monday, April 15, 2024

As if the people in that building don't cry enough already (That can be cured)


Adele will perform at Madison Square Garden six times in 2016 as part of her new world tour. As if the people in that building don't cry enough already. –Seth Meyers


Jeb Bush told reporters today that he does not think Russia “influenced” the election. And if anybody knows about not influencing elections, it’s Jeb Bush. –Seth Meyers


Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway told reporters today that President Trump is a huge Elton John fan. “That can be cured,” said Mike Pence. –Seth Meyers


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Wednesday, February 14, 2024

it’s all about the journey, man! (hold me closer, Tony Danza)


At a Donald Trump rally in Oklahoma, Sarah Palin called President Obama a “weak-kneed capitulator in chief." When asked if she knows what a capitulator is, she said, "Of course I do — it's one of those worms that turns into a butterfly!" –Jimmy Fallon


Two guys in Minnesota were pulled over with almost 500 pounds of weed in their car. You could tell it was a lot, ’cuz even their GPS was like, “Forget about the destination – it’s all about the journey, man!” --Jimmy Fallon


Elton John just announced that he is going to retire after his next world tour. There's gonna be a dramatic moment at the end where he admits that the lyrics really ARE “hold me closer, Tony Danza.”  --Jimmy Fallon


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Friday, September 1, 2023

it looks like she overcame it and got the job anyway (What are the odds?)


"You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own." –Craig Ferguson


"Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. People wonder if her dad was a factor in her getting the job. If he was, it looks like she overcame it and got the job anyway." --Craig Ferguson


"Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend. This is actually his fourth marriage; he blames the first three breakups on Obama." –Craig Ferguson


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 



 

Saturday, May 27, 2023

The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings (That's what the Cayman Islands are for)


"In an interview, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that one of her all-time favorite songs is 'Rocket Man' by Elton John. She said the song reminds of her first boyfriend in college. 'Rocket Man'? So either he's very fast or very gay." --Jay Leno


"Enron's president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as 'karma.' The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree's entire life savings." --Jay Leno


"Have you heard about Facebook co-founder Eduardo Saverin? He's renounced his U.S. citizenship because it'll save him millions of dollars of taxes — to which Mitt Romney said, 'That's what the Cayman Islands are for.'" –Jay Leno


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Tuesday, January 10, 2023

Give us a warning before you post that **** (Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard)


"The rain is giving much needed relief to California's crops. By that I mean 'marijuana.'" -Craig Ferguson


"Prince William and his lovely bride are pregnant. Buckingham Palace announced Kate is pregnant. They've been married for a year and a half. That's like five marriages for a Kardashian. Kate is said to be very nervous about giving birth. Giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very hard." –Craig Ferguson


"You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own." –Craig Ferguson


"Herman Cain is scheduled to make a big announcement tomorrow. He says if his wife wants him to quit the race, he will quit the race. However, his wife's vote can be overruled by a simple majority of his mistresses." –Craig Ferguson


"Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama's face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place." –Craig Ferguson


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Monday, December 5, 2022

Luckily the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore (Rocket Man)

 

"In an interview, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said that one of her all-time favorite songs is 'Rocket Man' by Elton John.  She said the song reminds of her first boyfriend in college. 'Rocket Man'? So either he's very fast or very gay." --Jay Leno


"A lot of political gossip out there. Looks like there's problems in the Democratic ranks. It seems tensions between Hillary Clinton and Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid are reportedly so high that it's almost like Hillary is married to him." --Jay Leno


"Vice President Dick Cheney is still getting a lot of flack for throwing that first pitch into the dirt [at the Washington Nationals home opener] -- whereas when President Bush threw out the first pitch in Cincinnati last week, it was a perfect strike. Then on the other hand, Cheney can read." --Jay Leno

 

"Heavy rains caused so much flooding in Washington, D.C. today that they had to close down the National Archives where they keep the Constitution. They had to close it down. Luckily the Bush administration isn't using the Constitution anymore." --Jay Leno


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Friday, November 18, 2022

Didn't Elton John wear that at the Grammys last year? (He only bowed to Dick Cheney)


"The movie 'Lincoln' opened over the weekend. It's getting unbelievable reviews. It's so authentic. Daniel Day-Lewis plays Lincoln. Sally Field plays Mary Todd Lincoln. John McCain plays himself." –Jay Leno


"Fox News is criticizing President Obama because he bowed to the Japanese emperor, and earlier he got in trouble with bowing to the Saudi king. See, that never would happen with President Bush. He only bowed to Dick Cheney." –Jay Leno


"I thought Hillary Clinton gave a great speech last night, terrific speech. That tangerine-colored pantsuit she was wearing -- maybe I'm wrong, but didn't Elton John wear that at the Grammys last year?" --Jay Leno


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Wednesday, November 2, 2022

Oh, man. That giant brown camel is wearing a viking helmet (end of the world scenarios)


I’m a little concerned about Canada legalizing marijuana. Can you imagine seeing a moose when you’re high? “Oh, man. That giant brown camel is wearing a viking helmet.”  --James Corden


According to economists, consumers spent $9 Billion on Halloween merchandise this year. To be fair, the bulk of that $9 Billion was spent by Elton John. The same study says that Americans are spending more and more each year on pet costumes. Or as pets call that: Humiliation. But it was all worth it when you saw that big fat Bulldog dressed up like a baked potato. Totally worth it. --James Corden


According to President Trump , the investigation, “Must be limited in scope and completed in less than one week.” By the way, limited in scope and completed in less than one week, are also Trump’s wedding vows. --James Corden


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Wednesday, July 27, 2022

Your choco melted long before your taco ever did (like a taco in the fridge)


July 2022

“I’m going to shoot you straight: Things are looking a little rough right now. The climate is on fire, democracy is hanging on by a pube, and just when we thought we couldn’t take another punch to the national gut, we’ve learned that Klondike’s Choco Taco has been discontinued after almost 40 years. No, not the Choco Taco! It was the only dessert with as much real beef as Taco Bell!” —Stephen Colbert

“Well, I guess the answer to ‘What would you do for a Klondike bar?’ is ‘ruin childhood.’” —Stephen Colbert

“The Choco Taco is the perfect American fusion of cultures. right? It’s Mexican and sugar.” —Trevor Noah


[Singing in the vein of Elton John] ’Cause it seems to me you lived your life like a taco in the fridge. You’re an ice cream waffle taco covered in chocolate, and I sure did love to eat you when I was just a kid. Your choco melted long before your taco ever did.” —Jimmy Fallon

“And may I point out, we learned this shocking news on a Taco Tuesday. That’s just salted caramel in the wound.” —Stephen Colbert


http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Wednesday, June 8, 2022

The highest-rated series on CNN is like being the least drunk Australian (he blames the first three breakups on Obama)



"You know who sang at Rush Limbaugh's wedding? Elton John! According to Rush, gay people can sing at weddings. Just not their own." –Craig Ferguson


"CNN announced that Anthony Bourdain's show is taking over Piers Morgan's time slot. Anthony is a culinary expert who loves good food. His show is the highest-rated series on CNN. But let's be honest. The highest-rated series on CNN is like being the least drunk Australian." –Craig Ferguson


"Rush Limbaugh got married over the weekend. This is actually his fourth marriage; he blames the first three breakups on Obama." –Craig Ferguson


http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Tuesday, June 7, 2022

The Warriors of the Rainbow (and whatever you think of the queen, her duet with Tupac was amazing)


June 2022

“That’s right, Britain marked the queen’s 70-year reign with four days of parades, parties and celebrations. Yeah, four days. Basically, the queen is like your annoying friend who insists on celebrating their birthday month.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, the queen celebrated 70 years of sitting on the throne. When he heard, your uncle who does The New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle said, ‘Challenge accepted.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“It was a star-studded event with performances from Elton John, Rod Stewart and Ed Sheeran. Yeah, when Ed first walked out, the queen was like, ‘Oh, Harry, you’re back.’” —Jimmy Fallon

“During a parade over the weekend honoring her Platinum Jubilee, a hologram of Queen Elizabeth was shown in her Gold State Coach and whatever you think of the queen, her duet with Tupac was amazing.” —Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”


 

Monday, April 25, 2022

Haha, you spelled Donald wrong (Mike Pence’s beer helmet)


There were lots of protests in Switzerland. One person was holding a sign that said “Dump Trump.” But the president wasn’t mad – he said, “Haha, you spelled Donald wrong.”  --Jimmy Fallon


Elton John just announced that he is going to retire after his next world tour. There's gonna be a dramatic moment at the end where he admits that the lyrics really ARE “hold me closer, Tony Danza.”  --Jimmy Fallon


Some big news about the Russian investigation. It came out that Robert Mueller wants to interview President Trump. It’s gonna be awkward when Trump tries to flee to Mexico and can’t climb over his own wall.   --Jimmy Fallon


“Meanwhile, one senator claims they’re only allowed to drink water and milk on the Senate floor. The only other place you’ll see water and milk is in Mike Pence’s beer helmet.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”



 

Saturday, February 19, 2022

Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well (self-portraits of other people)


"House Speaker John Boehner said the Republican Party will no longer stand in the way of gay marriage. Then Boehner said, 'Now can I go to Elton John's Oscar party?'" –Conan O'Brien


"Some self-portraits painted by former President George W. Bush have leaked onto the Internet. Bush said, 'If you like these, wait until you see my self-portraits of other people.'" –Conan O'Brien

"In Sochi, a man who criticized the Sochi games was sentenced to three years in a prison colony. After hearing the sentence, the man said it's still better than a hotel in Sochi." –Conan O'Brien

"NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in." –Conan O'Brien

"The Vatican was struck by lightning after the Pope announced he was retiring. That really happened. Sounds like someone's not handling the breakup well." –Conan O'Brien


https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”