Now who can't drive the car? (the price good men pay)

"The United States was able to find and kill Osama bin Laden because of a tip from one of his wives. When she saw a picture of his body, she said, 'Now who can't drive the car?'" –Conan O'Brien May 2011

The Las Vegas Strip has just opened its first medical marijuana dispensary. Which is why today the city changed its slogan to "What Happens in Vegas… Wait, What Just Happened In Vegas?" –Conan O’Brien

HBO has hinted that the final season of “Game of Thrones” will include many, many deaths. In fact, HBO said if they run out of characters they’ll have to start killing people on the show “Ballers.” --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned (invisibility cloaks)

Last night, "The Young Pope" premiered on HBO. You can tell this pope is young because when people say, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." He just goes, "Kay." –Jimmy Fallon

The Harry Potter Studio Tour just announced that it's hosting a Valentine's Day dinner in the Great Hall from Hogwarts. It's great for couples, or for single guys who claim their date is wearing an “invisibility cloak.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

exactly nine months after the Chicago Cubs won the World Series (Well, I guess this is war)

Hospitals in Chicago have seen the number of baby deliveries double this month. Which would be remarkable, until you realize that's exactly nine months after the Chicago Cubs won the World Series. –James Corden

HBO recently announced that LeBron James will be hosting a new talk show set in a barbershop here in Los Angeles and it's called "The Shop." Yeah, LeBron James is getting a talk show. Well, I guess this is war. I have no choice now but to start up a side gig ... and become the greatest basketball player in the world. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth                                         

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How does Trickle Down work again? (And then what?)

"I don't know why President Bush can't leak us information that we can actually use, like tell us when Dick Cheney is going hunting again." --Jay Leno

"President Bush had a press conference today outside the Oval Office to talk about the economy. He would have had it inside, but, you know, the bank has foreclosed on it. " –Jay Leno

"When it comes to the economy, President Bush is no help at all. Like when reporters asked him today what he thought about AIG, he said he got Showtime and HBO, but he really didn't get the whole package." Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just another $10 million and we can cover my appearance fee (But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport.)

"Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport." –Jimmy Fallon

Last night, "The Young Pope" premiered on HBO. You can tell this pope is young because when people say, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." He just goes, "Kay." –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Donald Trump raised a record $90 million in private donations to pay for his inauguration. Trump said, "Just another $10 million and we can cover my appearance fee." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

his Body-Mass Index now matches his approval rating (By Mistake/Don't Be A Scab)

 

"President Bush says before immigrants can become citizens of the United States, they should be able to speak proper English except for the word 'nuclear.'" --David Letterman

"HBO is running a documentary about the election of Barack Obama called 'By the People.' It's all about the election of Barack Obama and after this they have a series, after this, about Barack Obama, they have a documentary about the election of George W. Bush. It's called, 'By Mistake.'" –David Letterman

"Good news. President Bush had his physical last week, and passed his physical. No word on the mental. But the doctors say he's okay, but he might want to go on a diet, because his Body-Mass Index has jumped to 26. On the bright side, his Body-Mass Index now matches his approval rating." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z (You're not invited)

"Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That's right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z." –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin is saying she still hasn’t been invited to the Republican National Convention next month. The RNC says it’s all a misunderstanding — as in, Palin misunderstands the meaning of the phrase, 'You're not invited.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the season premiere of “Game of Thrones.” No spoilers! But HBO’s streaming site crashed during the episode. That’s how crazy this show has gotten: They are killing off websites now. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning (Just like that)

 

"As you know, President Bush is calling for an amendment against gay marriage or as President Bush calls it, 'Leave That Fellas Behind.'" --Jay Leno

"I've been watching that John Adams miniseries on HBO. Have you seen this? Boy, it's really good. You know, it's fun to see all the Founding Fathers. They're all in it. John Adams, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John McCain." --Jay Leno

"Former Enron founder Ken Lay and CEO Jeffrey Skilling were found guilty in the Enron case. Ken Lay is so guilty I'm surprised people aren't calling him Congressman Ken Lay. Wait 'till these guys find out in prison that insider trading has a whole new meaning." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport (Being a crappy neighbor: Lesson 1)

Last night, "The Young Pope" premiered on HBO. You can tell this pope is young because when people say, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." He just goes, "Kay." –Jimmy Fallon

"Republicans and Democrats are working on a new bill to streamline the healthcare system. It will reduce the cost of mammograms and prostate exams. But don't worry. They'll still be free at the airport." –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Donald Trump raised a record $90 million in private donations to pay for his inauguration. Trump said, "Just another $10 million and we can cover my appearance fee." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

HBO said if they run out of characters they’ll have to start killing people on the show “Ballers.” (Let’s do this)

“It was reported that in the weeks leading up to his death,

Osama bin Laden had trouble controlling the squabbling

among his three wives. In fact, when the team knocked

down the door, bin Laden said, ‘Thank god you’re here.

Two in the chest. One in the head. Let’s do this.’”

–Conan O’Brien

HBO has hinted that the final season of “Game of Thrones” will include many, many deaths. In fact, HBO said if they run out of characters they’ll have to start killing people on the show “Ballers.” --Conan O’Brien

White House Adviser Kellyanne Conway suggested that President Obama could have spied on Donald Trump through a microwave oven. Which is why today the Trump administration brought in six Hot Pockets for questioning. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us (By Mistake)

"The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us." –David Letterman

"I found out this by reading her memoir 'Going Rogue,' the Sarah Palin memoir. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, believes the Berlin Wall ran between Kanye West and Kanye East." –David Letterman

"HBO is running a documentary about the election of Barack Obama called 'By the People.' It's all about the election of Barack Obama and after this they have a series, after this, about Barack Obama, they have a documentary about the election of George W. Bush. It's called, 'By Mistake.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unless you think it means Probably Three Secret Daughters (keeping the ants in line)

October 2022

“There have been complaints about lighting during the latest episode of House of the Dragon, HBO’s prequel series to juggernaut Game of Thrones. After many viewers expressed their disappointment with dark lighting in pivotal scenes, making it difficult to see, HBO Max tweeted that the ‘dim lighting of this scene was an intentional creative decision’. Look, I’m not Steven Spielberg or Barry Jenkins, I haven’t directed anything. But in my opinion, if your intentional creative decision is that people can’t see the TV show that you’re making, then you’re making a podcast, all right?” —Trevor Noah

“There is a trend of dimness on prestige television. Everything on TV is so dark. You can’t see anything. I don’t know why. Are they trying to make it grittier? Or are they trying to make it feel like a movie? Maybe they figure if they make it dark enough, we can’t complain about the cast not being diverse. HBO has faced backlash for the lighting choices, but I think if they’re smart about this, this could be a good business opportunity for them. They should just add a higher price tier, such as offering HBO Max at $9.99 a month – or $14.99 a month if you want to be able to see what the fuck is happening.” —Trevor Noah

“In other news, GOP commentator Newt Gingrich went on Fox News to defend Herschel Walker, the anti-abortion Senate candidate in Georgia who was recently revealed to have paid for his then-girlfriend’s abortion in 2009. Gingrich defended Walker’s fitness as a Republican candidate: He’s been through a long, tough period. He had a lot of concussions coming out of football, he suffered PTSD. See? Walker isn’t a bad guy! He’s just had so many concussions he can’t possibly be held accountable for his actions. You know, a senator. Also PTSD isn’t the acronym you’re looking for, Newt. Unless you think it means Probably Three Secret Daughters.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You mean George Washington's real last name was Mar-A-Lago Golf Course? (Uh, no, I don't play for the Jazz)

Some more news about the President just came out that during a trip to George Washington's home in Mount Vernon, Trump was amazed that Washington didn't name the property after himself. This is real. Trump said, "if Washington was smart, he would've put his name on it. You've got to put your name on stuff or no one remembers you." When a staffer said, "Sir, where you live is named after him." Trump was like, "You mean George Washington's real last name was Mar-A-Lago Golf Course?" --Jimmy Fallon

Actually, this is very interesting. I read that the cloak that Kit Harington wears on the show is actually a rug from IKEA. Yeah, when he heard that, President Trump was like, "Who cares? So is my hair." --Jimmy Fallon

Producers for "Game of Thrones" confirmed that President Obama has requested and will receive episodes of the show's new season before it airs on HBO. So he can call up the Republicans and spoil it for them. “Jon Snow's alive! Bye.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Jeb Bush is facing criticism after it was just revealed that he checked off his race as 'Hispanic' on a voter registration form back in 2009. When asked if he regrets it now, Bush said, 'Si.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama just made his first presidential trip to the state of Utah. Obama spent his time in Utah just like you'd expect — telling people, 'Uh, no, I don't play for the Jazz.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag

“The latest polls show President Obama’s approval rating among women has risen by 10 percent. Many people believe this increase is due to Obama’s new campaign slogan: ‘Tell me about your day.’” –Conan O'Brien

HBO has hinted that the final season of “Game of Thrones” will include many, many deaths. In fact, HBO said if they run out of characters they’ll have to start killing people on the show “Ballers.” --Conan O’Brien

Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag. –Conan O’Brien

The Las Vegas Strip has just opened its first medical marijuana dispensary. Which is why today the city changed its slogan to "What Happens in Vegas… Wait, What Just Happened In Vegas?" –Conan O’Brien

A private space company founded by Amazon chief Jeff Bezos plans to send humans into space by next year. Or if they sign up for Amazon Prime, by Tuesday. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

someone else sold a book on that subject and it sold quite well (And the answer is always no)

February 2014

"Two former members of the Russian punk band Pussy Riot were detained by police in Sochi. If found guilty, they could be sentenced to two weeks in a Sochi hotel room." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported in the news that President Obama asked HBO for copies of the upcoming season of 'Game of Thrones.' You know things are bad in this country when even the White House can't afford HBO." –Conan O'Brien

"Making his first visit to our show tonight is Bill O'Reilly. Bill is here to promote his book 'Killing Jesus.' I'm going to have to tell him someone else sold a book on that subject and it sold quite well." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Are you watching the Olympics? Whenever I'm watching one of these weird events, I ask myself if this wasn't in the Olympics, would I still be watching it? And the answer is always no." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The one-man luge makes sense because it's just a guy on a sled and whoever goes the fastest wins. But what doesn't make sense is the two-man luge. There's only room for one man on the luge. The other guy has to lay on top of him. It's a bunk bed but without the second bed." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane (It's eight months if you leave from Newark)

May 2013

"The Senate is now taking a look at the immigration bill and will provide sweeping changes if, in fact, the bill is passed. Passed? Tim Tebow's got a better chance of passing." –David Letterman

"NASA is taking applications for people who want to live on Mars. Now here are the requirements: You have to be between the ages of 18 and 40 and insane." –David Letterman

"I know it sounds like a lot of fun. But the flight alone is six months to Mars. It's eight months if you leave from Newark." –David Letterman 

"Hooter's is letting mothers eat for free on Mother's Day. What better way to tell your mother that she raised a cheapskate and a perv?" –Conan O'Brien

"Senator John McCain will introduce a bill that lets cable customers pick which channels they want to pay for. For instance, HBO would cost you $10, AMC would cost you $5, and NBC would pay you $200." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago (Hey, I'm not doing anything)

December 2012

"Barbara Walters' 'Ten Most Fascinating People' show was on last night. Number one was General Petraeus. I think if this guy was a little less fascinating he would probably still have his job." –David Letterman

"The North Koreans are always making trouble. They launched a rocket there over the weekend. It was scary when they fired that rocket. It flew right over my vacation home in Pyongyang." –David Letterman

"The satellite that North Korea launched on Tuesday is apparently unstable, and could collide with several American satellites. Or as North Korea calls that, 'The point.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"HBO is planning a new movie similar to 'Game Change,' but based on the 2012 election. The network said they're not sure who will play Mitt Romney — then Mitt Romney said, 'Hey, I'm not doing anything.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No one had the heart to tell him he was watching the toaster (Swedish maid?)

March 2012

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver were seen shopping together. Apparently she said she wanted something Swedish made and Arnold was like, ‘Swedish maid?’” –Craig Ferguson

“Republican Senator Orrin Hatch accused President Obama of pandering to the hipster wing of the Democratic Party. It's pretty shocking — not that he said that, just that Orrin Hatch knows what a hipster is.” –Jimmy Fallon

“There is an HBO movie coming out about the 2008 presidential election. Apparently John McCain is very unhappy with the way he was portrayed. He said he came across as a clueless and angry man. No one had the heart to tell him he was watching the toaster.” –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top Ten Titles For The HBO Dick Cheney Mini-Series (Lord of the Onion Rings)

David Letterman's "Top Ten Titles For The HBO Dick Cheney Mini-Series"

10. 'From Sneer To Eternity'
9. 'Dial M For Medic'
8. 'The Fat, the Bald, and the Ugly'
7. 'Clear!'
6. 'Mr. Cheney Goes to Washington and Everything Goes to Hell'
5. 'Do the Wrong Thing'
4. 'Lord of the Onion Rings' (You know, because he's fat)
3. 'How I Waterboarded Your Mother'
2. 'Raging Bullcrap'
1. 'Lawrence Of Arrhythmia'

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”