Trump’s two favorite things (finders keepers/you’re finally back on top)

On Tuesday, the White House press secretary, Karoline Leavitt, described President Trump’s upcoming Alaska meeting with Vladimir Putin as a “listening exercise.” And we all know listening and exercise are Trump’s two favorite things, so this should go well. —Jimmy Fallon

“Taylor Swift is releasing her 12th studio album. So congratulations, white women, you’re finally back on top.” — Nicole Byer

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The restaurant has no plans to expand to the United States (I didn’t know she gave speeches)

A restaurant in China forces customers to solve complex math problems before they can order their meal. The restaurant has no plans to expand to the United States. –Conan O’Brien

According to Forbes magazine, in the past year Taylor Swift has earned $170 million. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, "I didn’t know she gave speeches." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

A lucid and well-informed examination of the world's problems (so I guess you're out of luck Chris Hayes)

Cops found what appeared to be a human leg bone near Taylor Swift’s beachside mansion. I guess the bone and the rest of the body are never ever ever getting back together. —Greg Gutfeld 

Halle Berry says she's not sure if a woman should ever play James Bond, so I guess you're out of luck Chris Hayes. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It will be so much easier to get the glitter off (he prefers to bathe in a car wash)

And yet another great move on behalf of everyday Americans, President Trump signed an executive order that reverses a Biden regulation and allows more water pressure in showers. However they claim this will have no effect on Jerry Nadler who prefers to bathe in a car wash. —Greg Gutfeld

So as Democrats deface cars, call people Nazis and pretend that Taylor Swift is more than a five, what's Trump been up to? Making showers great again. Trump's literally making it rain removing limits on water pressure from shower heads. This is great news for me. It will be so much easier to get the glitter off. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess that means neither got a ring (The last thing you want is teachers getting pregnant)

Travis Kelce didn't propose to Taylor Swift on the their recent romantic getaway. I guess that means neither got a ring. —Greg Gutfeld

Parents in Maryland are outraged at a new bill that would make condoms available in school vending machines. I get it. The last thing you want is teachers getting pregnant. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, well, 179 if we take over Canada by Saturday (Taylor Swift’s boyfriend)

“Yeah, between the game and the commercials, it’s going to be four straight hours of Patrick Mahomes on TV.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Taylor Swift will also be in attendance to support her boyfriend, the Chiefs’ superstar tight end, Taylor Swift’s boyfriend.” — Stephen Colbert

“I saw that this year’s Super Bowl will be watched in 180 countries. Yeah, well, 179 if we take over Canada by Saturday.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hope everyone has their friendship bracelets picked out (the first sitting president to go to the Super Bowl)

“Super Bowl Sunday, also known as ‘Get Drunk in a Friend of a Friend’s Weird Living Room Day,’ is imminent. Hope everyone has their friendship bracelets picked out.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump will make history as the first sitting president to go to the Super Bowl. I think the reason Trump’s going to the Super Bowl, he can’t stand to have even one day where he’s on TV less than Taylor Swift.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And by the looks of him, I’m guessing that shower never happened (And they all have one thing in common – they’re all surprised)

Taylor Swift announced she is launching a new app called “The Swift Life” that will feature “Taymojis,” which are emojis that look like her. And they all have one thing in common – they’re all surprised. –Seth Meyers

Despite claiming last week that he would have rushed the Oregon shooter to save lives, Dr. Ben Carson yesterday recounted how he was once held up at gunpoint in a Popeye’s Chicken and told the gunman, “I believe you want the guy behind the counter.” So we know at least one guy who’s DEFINITELY not voting for Ben Carson. –Seth Meyers

The New Yorker today released audio of fired Hollywood movie producer Harvey Weinstein begging a model to come into his hotel room and watch him shower. And by the looks of him, I’m guessing that shower never happened. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I didn’t know she gave speeches (looking for someone who can run a profitable casino)

For his running mate, Donald Trump says he’s looking for someone with experience in areas he doesn’t have. So right now Trump is looking for someone who can run a profitable casino. –Conan O’Brien

According to Forbes magazine, in the past year Taylor Swift has earned $170 million. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, "I didn’t know she gave speeches." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to (but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi)

South Carolina and Mississippi are on the verge of taking down their state Capitol's Confederate flag. Here's the surprising part. They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to. –Conan O’Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. I don't want to spoil anything, but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Unplug me (but, yeah...Russia)

Ted Cruz and his wife appeared in a town hall on CNN recently and his wife said that after they got back from their honeymoon, Ted bought 100 cans of Campbell's chunky soup. But to be fair, I feel like anyone who has watched this election is probably stocking up on canned goods. –Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz's daughters were also at the town hall. They said that if they end up in the White House, they want to have Taylor Swift over for dinner. Then Ted Cruz said, "I hope she likes chunky soup because I have 200 cans in the living room." –Jimmy Fallon

"Newt Gingrich gave a speech at a senior center. Or as audience members put it, 'Unplug me.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

For the whole 20-hour flight home, Trump was blasting Taylor Swift (Nobody knows what they’re doing)

President Trump left his summit with Kim Jong-un early because they couldn't reach an agreement. Yep, he walked out on Kim, but before he drove away, Trump rolled the window down, and he said, "I just want to take another look at you." It really seemed like they were getting along, but Trump took off before the summit was finished. I don't want to call it a breakup, but for the whole 20-hour flight home, Trump was blasting Taylor Swift. --Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, Vice President Mike Pence tweeted his support for Israel, but accidentally used an emoji of the Nicaraguan flag instead of the Israeli flag. The White House says there’s a perfectly good reason why he did it: Nobody knows what they’re doing. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

you’re embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, jeez louise! (Finally, something good happened for Taylor Swift!)

In case you missed it, the Kansas City Chiefs beat the San Francisco 49ers, 25-22, in overtime. Finally, something good happened for Taylor Swift! —Stephen Colbert

It was a low-scoring first half – at one point, the Chiefs seemed close to scoring their first touchdown, only to fumble the ball. Travis Kelce was caught on camera yelling at his coach Andy Reid, which I lip-read as ‘you’re embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, jeez louise!’ —Stephen Colbert

The NFL avoided many shots of Swift during the game, but at one point caught her chugging her beer. Have fun, Taylor, but please make sure you have a designated driver for your private jet. The NFL tweeted a picture of the moment with the word “icon”. If that’s what makes you an icon, then my Aunt Rita is an icon-aholic. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Madden: Kansas City Chiefs vs Kansas City Chiefs (OT-Super Bowl)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump’s dancing like nobody’s checking IDs (Time)

Well, just hours ago, President Biden won the South Carolina primary barely edging out his closest rival. Time. —Colin Jost

As you may have seen on your aunt’s Facebook, many MAGA personalities are claiming that the Super Bowl is being rigged so that Kansas City wins and Taylor Swift can come on to the field with Travis Kelce and endorse Joe Biden. MAGA people have so many enemies to keep track of, you have to hate the NFL, Taylor Swift, Bud Light, Disney, Kristen Stewart for some reason, electric stoves, windmills, the concept of rainbows, and the green M&M. And you have to think that everybody in the government is a secret pedophile except for Trump when he danced with Jeffrey Epstein. I mean, isn’t that the happiest you’ve ever seen Trump? Trump’s dancing like nobody’s checking IDs. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was a devastating moment for Trump, especially when Melania started clapping (No that's socialism!)

One in four Americans – about 68 million people – are expected to bet on Sunday’s big game. And when I say bet on the game, I mean bet on Taylor Swift. Among the things people can bet on: what color top Swift will wear, whether Travis Kelce will propose and win MVP, and whether or not Swift will be shown eating a hot dog. Let me say that there is no more important conversation a father can have with his child than sitting them down and explaining that he can’t go to college because Taylor Swift did not eat a hot dog at the Super Bowl in 2024. —Jimmy Kimmel

In political news, a federal appeals court in Washington DC unanimously rejected Donald Trump’s claim of immunity from all criminal charges during his presidency in a scathing 57-page ruling. It was a devastating moment for Trump, especially when Melania started clapping. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump’s campaign said that he respectfully disagrees with the ruling. Although, if Trump knew to respectfully disagree with a loss, he wouldn’t be on trial in the first place.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Those Rich Boys Sure Are Sad (he was voted ‘most likely to die on the toilet’)

On Sunday night’s Grammy awards, Taylor Swift won her record-breaking fourth album of the year award and surprise-announced a new album, The Tortured Poets Department, due out in April. Coincidentally, ‘Tortured Poets Department’? Also a rejected title for the movie Dead Poets Society along with Bad School, Good Teacher and Those Rich Boys Sure Are Sad. —Stephen Colbert

President Biden allegedly called Donald Trump a “sick fuck” who delights in others’ misfortune. To which Trump objected, ‘I’m not sick, doctors are always coming up to me,’ said Colbert, imitating the former president. These doctors, big doctors, tears in their eyes, big guys, strong doctors. Doctors who never cry, I’m talking about lumberjack, football-playing doctors. And they say sir, sir, you’re the healthiest fuck I’ve ever seen.’ As for Trump’s claim that he looks like Elvis – Look, I don’t care for the guy, you know that, but I do think Donald Trump does look like Elvis … if you dug up Elvis now. They have a lot in common. In Trump’s high school yearbook, he was voted ‘most likely to die on the toilet’. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm not interested in politics (an army of pissed-off Swifties)

Former President Donald Trump picked a fight with Taylor Swift and her fans this week when he reportedly said that he is more popular than the pop star, insisting his fans “are more committed than hers.” This fight he’s about to pick with Taylor Swift, this might be what does it. It won’t be Jan. 6, it won’t be the election fraud or the sexual assault or dancing with Jeffrey Epstein, or even fathering Don Jr. What’s finally going to bring down Donald Trump will be an army of pissed-off Swifties. —Jimmy Kimmel

“And unlike your rallies, her tickets aren’t free. People paid hundreds and even thousands of dollars to see her — and that’s just here in America. How’s your popularity in Tokyo? And Singapore? How’s your popularity in Gelsenkirchen, Germany? Because she’s doing three nights at a soccer stadium there that holds over 62,000 people even though no one has ever heard of Gelsenkirchen, Germany. It might not even exist.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Taylor Swift is so popular, people want to watch her watching a football game.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which means somebody is probably about to release a whole new batch of NFT trading cards (the Ayatollah Complain-y)

I relish the prospect of Donald Trump being on the hook for as much as $300 million in his civil fraud case in New York, on top of the $83.3 million he now owes E Jean Carroll after a defamation trial. Which means somebody is probably about to release a whole new batch of NFT trading cards. —Jimmy Kimmel

In a potential bid to distract from the former president’s many legal woes, Trump’s campaign team has been working on ways to turn their culture warriors against Taylor Swift in the event she decides to endorse Joe Biden. So if you’re a Republican, I guess enjoy her music while you still can before the Ayatollah Complain-y declares a fatwa on her. —Jimmy Kimmel

As for Trump’s claim that he was more popular than Swift: If Taylor Swift told her fans to storm the Capitol on January 6th, they would’ve succeeded and they would be running the country right now. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image (I’m gonna guess Mesozoic)

“With Trump’s nomination a near certainty, the Maga mob is now turning their focus to their leader’s last remaining political rival: Taylor Swift. According to several sources, Trump was ‘freaking out’ over reports that Joe Biden is seeking an endorsement from the pop star. C’mon Joe, seeking the endorsement of a pop star? Don’t you think that’s beneath the dignity of the office of Taylor Swift. She has to have standards! —Stephen Colbert

President Biden’s team has reportedly even considered sending the president to a stop on the Eras Tour. Oh, that would be fun. I wonder what era he’d dress as. I’m gonna guess Mesozoic. —Stephen Colbert

I’m a self-described “Swiffer”, and I’ll defend her against the numerous far-right conspiracy theories attempting to discredit her. Taylor is one of the few joyful things we have in this country and I’m not going to stand here and let Trump’s TV goons drag her into the hell slop of grievance and hair gel. This country dumped Donald Trump and we are never, ever getting back together, like ever. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”