You have to wait until we say 'Go!', Governor Christie (You know what? Go ahead and use your hands)

"Congrats to Joey Chestnut. On Friday he won the Fourth of July Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest by eating 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Another guy said, 'But I ate a hundred!' Then the judges said, 'You have to wait until we say 'Go!', Governor Christie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There was a huge blowout at the World Cup yesterday when Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, 'You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which I believe is also the main ingredient in hot dogs (No one is going to stop you, there are no doors)

Housing prices are so high in the San Francisco Bay Area right now that a small one-story burned-out home is selling for — brace yourself — $800,000. It comes with two-and-a-half baths and two-and-a-half walls. The house is loaded with fun features like a fire pit out back, a fire pit in the kitchen, a fire pit in the living room, and all the bedrooms got fire pits. Why not save $800,000 and just move in now? No one is going to stop you, there are no doors. --James Corden

There was a big breakthrough in the world of science. Researchers recently created the world’s first human heart using a 3D printer. The heart is made from human cells and “patient-specific biological materials” which I believe is also the main ingredient in hot dogs. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Betterluck Jonathan (Art thou up?)

“Nigeria just held their election and their incumbent president, whose actual name is Goodluck Jonathan, lost the race. He was beaten by his rival, Betterluck Jonathan.” —Conan O’Brien

There's a new app that turns your texts into lines from Shakespeare. The most popular one used for booty calls is, "Art thou up?" –Conan O’Brien

The IRS has introduced new technology allowing you to pay your taxes at a 7-Eleven. So just imagine: You can now declare your earnings from 2015 while eating a hot dog from 2005. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, someone better keep her away from Nathan’s Hot Dogs (You may be high...)

Drew Barrymore says Mr Clean makes her uncomfortable cuz he's so sexual. Wow, Mr Clean makes her horny? Well, someone better keep her away from Nathan’s Hot Dogs, huh? —Greg Gutfeld

A Pennsylvania town painted curved road lines down a residential street to curb reckless driving. Although Kamala Harris felt perfectly at home. —Greg Gutfeld

Pete Hegseth has ordered that the standards be the same for both men and women in combat. Meaning men will now have to bring a sweater in case it gets cold. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Minus a few bucks for the Jeb Bush signature (they're complicit)

Yesterday in Alabama, a bomb squad was called into a post office to handle suspicious bags that ended up being full of hot dogs. So if you know someone who left a bag full of hot dogs at the post office, you should still call the police. -- Jimmy Fallon

An autograph expert said that Hillary Clinton's autograph is the most valuable of all the candidates. For instance, a Hillary Clinton-signed hat is worth about $1500 dollars, while a Jeb Bush-signed hat is worth...whatever the hat cost originally, minus a few bucks for the Jeb Bush signature. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or should I say the all-Frank beef? (I never said we would)

The Cubs won the World Series! The curse is lifted. For the first time in a century, Wrigley Field is covered in victory vomit. –Stephen Colbert

A shocking investigation has found that after testing 75 brands of hot dogs, 2 percent of them contained human DNA. Some of those hot dogs are actually hot Dougs. The report doesn't specify the source of the human DNA. Is it hair? Is it fingernails? Did a lonely factory worker stay late one night and seduce a sausage casing machine? Could your pig in a blanket have a bun in the oven? This news completely changes America's love affair with the all-beef frank. Or should I say the all-Frank beef?  –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess my bologna really does have a first name (I will never be sober again)

Researchers somewhere studied 75 brands of hot dogs and found some of them contained human DNA. I guess my bologna really does have a first name. –Stephen Colbert

Audience, I’m worried that once they make self-driving cars, I will never be sober again. --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know what? Go ahead and use your hands (Don't Do It, Man)

"Congrats to Joey Chestnut. On Friday he won the Fourth of July Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest by eating 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Another guy said, 'But I ate a hundred!' Then the judges said, 'You have to wait until we say 'Go!', Governor Christie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There was a huge blowout at the World Cup yesterday when Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, 'You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Jay Z is working on a new album to tell his side of the story in response to Beyoncé’s "Lemonade." But before that, his friends are going to release their own song called "Don't Do It, Man." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Anyone else as turned on as I am? (shrinkage)

Well, you guys, it was just five degrees in New York City today. It was so cold, hot dog vendors were complaining about shrinkage. --Jimmy Fallon

After finishing second in New Hampshire’s Republican primary, John Kasich said he can handle attacks by Donald Trump saying, “I'm not gonna sit there and be a marshmallow and have somebody pound me." Then Chris Christie was like, "Anyone else as turned on as I am?" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You said we had a deal! (their new seats only recline forward)

Some news for travelers here. I read that British Airways is getting rid of reclining seats on their planes. And if you think that's bad, Southwest just announced that their new seats only recline forward. --Jimmy Fallon

New polls found that Bernie Sanders is now ahead of Hillary Clinton among Democrats in both Iowa and New Hampshire. And even Hillary's lead in national polls is dwindling. I don't want to say Hillary is upset, but this morning she was spotted shouting into a volcano, "You said we had a deal!" –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday in Alabama, a bomb squad was called into a post office to handle suspicious bags that ended up being full of hot dogs. So if you know someone who left a bag full of hot dogs at the post office, you should still call the police. -- Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don’t worry, by the time the election comes around I will double that (That seems a little high)

A new survey shows that Donald Trump is polling at zero percent among black voters in Ohio and Pennsylvania. I don't know. That seems a little high. –Conan O’Brien

Today was National Hotdog Day and to celebrate, Donald Trump spent a few hours on the rollers at 7-Eleven to work on his color. –Conan O’Brien

According to a poll that just came out, Donald Trump is getting zero percent of the black vote in some states. Trump said, "Don’t worry, by the time the election comes around I will double that.” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's just like regular Clue except that everyone did it in every room with every weapon (Groucho Marxism)

A lot of fans weren't happy with how Game of Thrones ended. They're complaining about the writing. I'm not saying their writers ran out of ideas, but I thought it was odd that Jon Snow's final line was, "Bazinga." --Jimmy Fallon

"This week, Oscar Mayer introduced a new hot dog with bacon cooked right into it. Or as Chris Christie put it, 'Is it possible to reverse that lap-band procedure?'" –Jimmy Fallon

A "Game of Thrones" version of the board game Clue is now for sale. It's just like regular Clue except that everyone did it in every room with every weapon. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack! (Or should I say the all-Frank beef?)

Apparently — this is being reported in the Washington Post — President Trump was showing off for his guests telling the Russians: “I get great Intel. I have people brief me on great Intel every day.” Well, yeah. You’re the president. It’s the job. It’s like the guy working the fry station saying, “You would not believe the tater tots I have access to.” –Stephen Colbert

The National Parks Service is so desperate for cash that they just announced that, for the first time, they are going to solicit corporate sponsorship. Pretty soon, those sequoias could be brought to you by Viagra. Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack! –Stephen Colbert

The report doesn't specify the source of the human DNA in hot dogs. Is it hair? Is it fingernails? Did a lonely factory worker stay late one night and seduce a sausage casing machine? Could your pig in a blanket have a bun in the oven? This news completely changes America's love affair with the all-beef frank. Or should I say the all-Frank beef? –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

To which Americans replied, “Wait, we can do that?” (I'm not eating that!)

More fallout from the Stormy Daniels scandal. As you know, yesterday she released a sketch of a man she claimed threatened her about her relationship with the president. Well, this morning Donald Trump tweeted: "A sketch years later about a nonexistent man. A total con job, playing the fake news media for fools, but they know it!" Trump calls Stormy's claim "a total con job." I honestly don't know who to believe in all this — the desperate, money-hungry publicity-hound, or Stormy Daniels. --James Corden

There was a big breakthrough in the world of science. Researchers recently created the world’s first human heart using a 3D printer. The heart is made from human cells and “patient-specific biological materials.” which I believe is also the main ingredient in hot dogs. --James Corden

Big news from my home country, Great Britain: The prime minister, Theresa May, surprised everyone by calling for an early election on June 8, even though it wasn’t supposed to happen until 2020. She’s fed up with all the political fighting, so she’s asking for another election right away. To which Americans replied, “Wait, we can do that?” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess my bologna really does have a first name (I'll take Things That Dictators Do for $500, Alex)

Researchers somewhere studied 75 brands of hot dogs and found

some of them contained human DNA. I guess my bologna really

does have a first name. –Stephen Colbert

But the president swears he’s not taking it easy, tweeting: “Working in Bedminster, N.J., as long-planned construction is being done at the White House. This is not a vacation — meetings and calls!” Meetings AND calls! Wow! Both of them! Trump has to do all that during his vacation? Man, I would NOT want to work for Vladimir Putin. Tough boss! –Stephen Colbert

"The United States has no choice but to attack Syria because Dictator Bashar al-Assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before, he was just killing them with bullets. But if America cared about shooting people, we'd be invading Chicago." –Stephen Colbert

 

Hey, if there's one thing we know how to build, it's a wall (the landmark New York City case, Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up)

"The U.S. government has issued a warning to builders not to use Chinese drywall because they say it's defective. The Chinese government denied this and said, 'Hey, if there's one thing we know how to build, it's a wall.'" --Conan O'Brien

"People in New York are especially excited by Judge Sotomayor because she comes from the Bronx. In fact, Judge Sotomayor famously presided over the landmark New York City case, Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up." --Conan O'Brien

Today was National Hotdog Day and to celebrate, Donald Trump spent a few hours on the rollers at 7-Eleven to work on his color. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's great to be back, but man, these things are boring when you're sober (You have to wait until we say 'Go!')

July 2014

"Yesterday Toronto Mayor Rob Ford attended his first city council meeting since he got back from rehab. He said, 'It's great to be back, but man, these things are boring when you're sober.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rob Ford attended his first city council meeting. But it got weird when he said, 'Hello, Toronto City Council!' And they said, 'This is Buffalo, sir . . . And you have to put a shirt on.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Congrats to Joey Chestnut. On Friday he won the Fourth of July Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest by eating 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Another guy said, 'But I ate a hundred!' Then the judges said, 'You have to wait until we say 'Go!', Governor Christie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"That's 61 hot dogs in 12 minutes, or as New Jersey Governor Chris Christie calls it – a snack." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You have to wait until we say 'Go!', Governor Christie (You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.)

Target Field in Minnesota will have self-serve beer machines at the All-Star Game next week. Big deal. My dad had a self-serving beer machine 30 years ago. It was called "Jimmy."—Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has a new ad that hits Mitt Romney's business career by calling him an 'outsourcer-in-chief.' Romney responded with an ad of his own — made by an excellent company in India." –Jimmy Fallon

"There was a huge blowout at the World Cup yesterday when Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, 'You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Congrats to Joey Chestnut. On Friday he won the Fourth of July Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest by eating 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Another guy said, 'But I ate a hundred!' Then the judges said, 'You have to wait until we say 'Go!', Governor Christie.'" –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And today Satan said he tries to avoid American politics because it makes him feel dirty (He's so conservative...)

“How conservative is he? Rick Santorum won't even take soda in the can.” –Jay Leno

“He's so conservative he won't even go to Home Depot to get wood. That's how bad.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is conservative; he's so conservative he won't even use a weed whacker. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

"He is so conservative. When he goes to the market, he skips the household aisle, just to avoid making eye contact with Mr. Clean." –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him. Which is kind of ironic — that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.” –Jay Leno

"This guy Santorum is very conservative. Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't watch a baseball game because there's a pitcher and a catcher." –Jay Leno

“He's so conservative he wants ballpark franks to stop plumping when you cook 'em. That's how conservative.” –Jay Leno

“This guy is really conservative. In fact, Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't even go down on an escalator.” –Jay Leno

“Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he won't even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.” –Jay Leno

"Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid American politics because it makes him feel dirty." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”