I don't understand any dog barks (And really, who loves foreigners more than Dick Cheney?)

"Well, according to a new survey, 49 percent of the people in Iowa want a law like Arizona's to stop illegal immigration. You know what you call Mexicans in Iowa? Lost." –Jay Leno

"The University of Wyoming will open the new Dick Cheney Center for International Students. And really, who loves foreigners more than Dick Cheney?" --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The law has actually received support from two major groups (34.67 billion lattes)

"Officials in Iowa are facing criticism over a new law that lets blind people own guns. The law has actually received support from two major groups: the NRA and deer." –Jimmy Fallon

After former President Obama said you'd need a "magic wand" to bring back certain jobs, Trump said, "I guess I have a magic wand." Then Stormy Daniels was like, "Fake news." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way? (your rulers are afraid of you)

"So Jeb Bush is running for president. I don't know about the rest of the country, but thank God, ladies and gentlemen, the comedy recession is over!" —David Letterman

"The brother of former President George Bush, Jeb Bush, is running for president. Yep, and the campaign slogan is, 'I'm going to finish what my brother started.'" —David Letterman

"Pope Francis is considering repealing celibacy for priests. Priests will no longer have to take a vow of celibacy. See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way?" –David Letterman

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is in Iowa campaigning at a big cookout because this is what you do if you want to be president. He's out there all day telling people the hotdog line is closed for a traffic study." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s the aircraft carrier the U.S.S. Metaphor (Four out of five citizens love democracy!)

A new report says the U.S. border wall could cost three times as much as previously estimated. However, Trump says he’ll keep costs down with his secret business trick called “not paying for stuff.” –Conan O’Brien

"Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It's been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history." –Conan O'Brien

Several days ago, President Trump said an American aircraft carrier was heading towards North Korea, but it turns out it was sailing in the opposite direction. It’s the aircraft carrier the U.S.S. Metaphor. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

which is generally when he moves on to something better (secretly buying democracy: wrong!)

"To all the worryworts out there who said super PACs were going to lead to a cabal of billionaires secretly buying democracy: wrong! They are publicly buying democracy." –Stephen Colbert

"After disappointing showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Newt Gingrich’s campaign looked terminally ill – which is generally when he moves on to something better." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It makes sense, we all knew that pole was nuttier than a ****pick from Mr. Peanut (Pelosi's face/Cheney's heart)

Thanks to Trump's lawsuit against CBS, the network had to release the full transcript of the Kamala Harris interview they did before the election. And the interview got more surgery than Nancy Pelosi's face and Dick Cheney's heart combined. —Greg Gutfeld

Meanwhile Trump just settled with ABC news for 15 million, Meta just settled with him for 25 million and CBS parent company Paramount is reportedly considering a similar payout. Pretty soon Trump will be able to afford Bret Baier’s house. —Greg Gutfeld

Trump also sued the Des Moines Register and veteran pollster Ann Selzer for claiming Kamla was leading him in the Iowa polls. It makes sense, we all knew that pole was nuttier than a ****pick from Mr. Peanut. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

CollegeFootball25: Indiana vs Iowa

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Even if you're just going out to have a smoke (Even when they don't lose, they don't win)

The Surgeon General said more Americans should start going on walks. Then to everyone's surprise, he added, "Even if you're just going out to have a smoke." –Jimmy Fallon

After losing all 16 of their games last season, the Cleveland Browns' first game of the year ended in a tie. Yep, the Cleveland Browns: Even when they don't lose, they don't win. --Jimmy Fallon

"Officials in Iowa are facing criticism over a new law that lets blind people own guns. The law has actually received support from two major groups: the NRA and deer." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you build it . . . I will come (Our beloved republic is in the hands of madmen!)

"To commemorate the 25th anniversary of 'Field of Dreams,' the Iowa State Fair is displaying a 200-pound butter sculpture of Kevin Costner. Or as Paula Deen put it, 'If you build it . . . I will come.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Rick Perry is fueling speculation that he'll run in 2016 by visiting the Iowa State Fair. Unfortunately, he hurt his chances by holding a two-hour conversation with that butter sculpture of Kevin Costner." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.

 

Apparently the difference is California's version has avocado on it (He now faces up to 5, 12, 14, 20, or 25 years in prison)

"A federal judge ruled yesterday that California's version of the death penalty is unconstitutional. Apparently the difference is California's version has avocado on it." –Seth Meyers

A former Iowa lottery official was found guilty yesterday of rigging a computerized "Hot Lotto" game so he could win a $14 million jackpot. He now faces up to 5, 12, 14, 20, or 25 years in prison. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I love hunting peasants (Smash that like button)

"George W. Bush and Bill Clinton sat next to each other at the big game. Clinton congratulated UConn on its big win, while Bush gave Kentucky a 'Mission Accomplished' banner." –Jimmy Fallon

“I saw that Pope Francis will be streaming Easter Mass on YouTube. You know these are strange times when Easter Mass ends with ‘Be sure to like and subscribe. Smash that like button.’” —Jimmy Fallon

I heard that a couple weeks ago, Rick Santorum and Ted Cruz spent some time hunting pheasants in Iowa. When Donald Trump heard that, he was like, “Why wasn’t I invited? I love hunting peasants.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like choosing to be slowly suffocated by an expensive pillow (Sup, doc?)

The U.K. just appointed a “Minister of Loneliness,” as if Morrissey isn’t enough. --Jimmy Fallon

The Iowa caucuses are coming up and yesterday, Lindsey Graham criticized Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and said choosing between them is like having to choose between being shot or poisoned. Graham said supporting Jeb Bush is like choosing to be slowly suffocated by an expensive pillow. –Jimmy Fallon

Last week near the Texas/Mexico border, authorities say they found a shipment of over a ton of marijuana that was disguised to look like carrots. Which explains why Bugs Bunny is now like, "Sup, doc?" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Maybe 90! (you see how that sounds)

And listen to this. Since his last State of the Union, eight members of Trump's cabinet have either quit or been fired. And six more went out for cigarettes and never came back. --Jimmy Fallon

That's right. Trump spoke for 82 minutes. He was like, Fallon as Trump, "Wow, in that same time, I could have slept with Stormy Daniels… 82 times. Maybe 90!" --Jimmy Fallon

And finally, the CEO of Hershey says that they're fixing the way they make Kisses so that the tips don't get broken off. That's a good move, because nobody was buying their new product, Hershey's Just the Tips. --Jimmy Fallon

On the Republican side, Ted Cruz made history by becoming the first Hispanic to win the Iowa caucus. Then Cruz said, "And the first Canadian! — I mean, nothing!" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was so distraught after the game, he chugged a quart of almond milk and ate half a grape (Who doesn’t like to see the overdogs win?)

Last night was caucus night in Iowa and Ted Cruz was the winner on the Republican side with 28 percent of the vote. Donald Trump came in second with 24 percent, and Marco Rubio is right behind him with 23 percent. Third is pretty good considering the fact that most Iowa voters think that Marco Rubio is a game you play in the swimming pool. –Jimmy Kimmel

The New England Patriots made what turned out to be the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history to beat the Atlanta Falcons in overtime last night. Who doesn’t like to see the overdogs win? –Jimmy Kimmel

But what a game! The Eagles won their first Super Bowl ever, toppling Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. They said Tom Brady was so distraught after the game, he chugged a quart of almond milk and ate half a grape. --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money (Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed)

Today was also bitterly cold in the Northeast, with lows in the single digits. And I cannot stress this part enough, okay? Do not leave the house unless you absolutely need to buy weed. --Jimmy Fallon

We’re one week away from the Iowa caucuses and all the candidates are doing whatever they can to appeal to voters. Donald Trump even went to a church service in Iowa over the weekend. You can tell he doesn't go to church much because he was like, "I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait, Donald, this is your speech. Sorry! (Neither side is the answer)

Vivek Ramaswamy dropped out of the 2024 presidential race on Monday after finishing fourth at the Iowa caucuses. The 38-year-old entrepreneur endorsed former President Donald Trump and supported him at a rally in New Hampshire on Tuesday. Everyone was on the edge of their seat just to hear how Trump would pronounce Vivek Ramaswamy. —Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, Ramaswamy took the stage and praised Trump for eight minutes. Then he was, like, ‘Wait, Donald, this is your speech. Sorry!’” —Jimmy Fallon

“So the DeSantis train is steaming on to New Hampshire, where he is currently polling at 5 percent. But don’t give up, Ron, because when asked which candidate they preferred, 2 percent refused to answer. If they’re ashamed to say it out loud, that’s a DeSantis voter.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

somewhere between Rudy Giuliani and an abandoned JCPenney (the real purpose of socialism)

I predicted Trump would win the Iowa caucus by a landslide. They love him in Iowa, I think because he has the exact same hair as an ear of corn. —Stephen Colbert

“The idea of Republican primaries implies that the GOP will continue to exist, and right now there is reason to doubt that, as multiple state-level Republican parties are going bankrupt. That’s financially bankrupt. They already achieved morally. They’ve got no money. In August, for example, the Arizona GOP had just $14,800 left in the bank. To put that into perspective, the Arizona GOP cannot afford to buy a 2017 Honda Civic. Certainly not with power windows. Right now, the state Republican parties’ finances are somewhere between Rudy Giuliani and an abandoned JCPenney.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Your honor, I’ll now be represented by the law firm of Linguini & Clams, thank you (Are you rich enough yet?)

“As was expected, Trump won the caucus tiny-handedly despite barely visiting Iowa. The Florida governor, Ron DeSantis, came in second with 21%, while Nikki Haley came in third with 19%. Still, Haley, definitely wins the award for glass half full of it. After her bronze medal finish, Haley said: ‘I can safely say tonight, Iowa made this Republican primary a two-person race.’ Well if it did, you’re not one of them! You came in third!” —Jimmy Fallon

Trump, meanwhile, still faces several trials without some of his lawyers. His top three lawyers recently quit, including head lawyer Joey Tacopina. He lost Joey Taco! How do you lose Joey Taco? Who’s even left, Vinny Pepperoni? ‘Your honor, I’ll now be represented by the law firm of Linguini & Clams, thank you.’ —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s the same strategy he used raising Eric and Don Jr. (now he lives at the bottom of an aquarium)

“Even though he barely spent any time in Iowa, it somehow made voters love Donald Trump more. It’s the same strategy he used raising Eric and Don Jr.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump won 98 of Iowa’s 99 counties. Apparently, the 99th county got confused and voted for ‘Succession.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“But Trump got 51 percent of the vote in Iowa. And even though it doesn’t mean much — you know, in 2016, Ted Cruz won the Iowa caucus, and now he lives at the bottom of an aquarium.” — Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You said we had a deal! (their new seats only recline forward)

Some news for travelers here. I read that British Airways is getting rid of reclining seats on their planes. And if you think that's bad, Southwest just announced that their new seats only recline forward. --Jimmy Fallon

New polls found that Bernie Sanders is now ahead of Hillary Clinton among Democrats in both Iowa and New Hampshire. And even Hillary's lead in national polls is dwindling. I don't want to say Hillary is upset, but this morning she was spotted shouting into a volcano, "You said we had a deal!" –Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday in Alabama, a bomb squad was called into a post office to handle suspicious bags that ended up being full of hot dogs. So if you know someone who left a bag full of hot dogs at the post office, you should still call the police. -- Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”