I heard at this one they’re going to have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch (The Master's House)

"Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan had a campaign event at an apple orchard. There was one awkward moment when they told the granny smiths they were considering cutting their Medicare." –Jimmy Fallon

"Today was the start of the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, N.C. They’re going all out to make sure it tops last week’s Republican convention. In fact, I heard at this one they’re going to have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch." –Jimmy Fallon

A reporter went through Hillary Clinton’s schedule while she was secretary of state and found that she and Bill were often away from each other, and sometimes even on different continents. When asked why they didn’t try to coordinate their schedules, Hillary said, “Oh, we did.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally, a senior citizen who scares Paul Ryan (Wagner Act)

"Hurricane Isaac turned out to be not much of a threat to the Republican convention. But to their credit, the Republicans had a contingency plan. If the hurricane did hit hard, delegates were instructed to evacuate to Mitt Romney's tax shelter." –Jay Leno

"Clint Eastwood was the mystery guest tonight at the Republican convention. Finally, a senior citizen who scares Paul Ryan." –Jay Leno

"A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well, no harm done (a guy that has an elevator for his Cadillacs)

"How about that Dick Cheney? Do you remember Dick Cheney? Now here's a guy we didn't really think much about until he goes hunting one day. And everything changed. I mean, he became Dick 'Kaboom' Cheney. He is now saying that Saddam Hussein had no connection with 9/11. Well, no harm done." --David Letterman

"Republicans like Paul Ryan because they say he's a fiscal conservative, and that's a perfect balance for Romney who's a guy that has an elevator for his Cadillacs." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And the Republicans delivered in the form of five quarters, two dimes, and a nickel (Economy Minus)

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is being called out of touch and is facing some backlash after bragging about the Republican tax plan. He tweeted about a Pennsylvania high school secretary saying she was pleasantly surprised when her pay went up $1.50 a week. I guess Trump promised real change. And the Republicans delivered in the form of five quarters, two dimes, and a nickel. --James Corden

Isn’t the Super Bowl already patriotic enough? The game is between the Eagles and the Patriots. The only way it could be more American is if they forced the Redskins out of their stadium and played it there. --James Corden

A family returning from vacation recently showed up to their flight with a company called Tui Airlines, only to find that their assigned seats did not exist. So they had to spend their entire flight sitting on the floor. Spirit Airlines heard about this and were like, “Wait, we don’t have to give our customers seats? We’re allowed to do this?” The family’s seat assignments were for seats that didn’t exist or as the airline is now calling it, Economy Minus. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don’t tell anyone, but I was born in Kenya (Too scary for Marilyn Manson)

A letter written by George Washington in 1786 is going on sale for $35,000. The letter is to a friend and says, “Don’t tell anyone, but I was born in Kenya.” –Jimmy Fallon

House Speaker Paul Ryan was at the airport and didn’t recognize a three-year congresswoman from Massachusetts. And even asked her, “So what do you do?” Ryan realized she was a congresswoman when she answered, “Nothing.” –Jimmy Fallon

Singer Marilyn Manson recently said he doesn’t plan on voting, because he doesn’t like Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. That story, again — the 2016 election: Too scary for Marilyn Manson. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There’s nothing more important than the people who park our cars (victim of a diseased organism)

House Speaker Paul Ryan this afternoon issued a formal statement ruling himself out as a potential replacement candidate if there is a contested Republican convention. And you know things are bad in the Republican Party when people who aren’t even running are dropping out of the race. –Seth Meyers

The White House has announced that President Trump will donate his first quarter’s salary of over $78,000 to the National Park Service. Said Trump, “There’s nothing more important than the people who park our cars.” –Seth Meyers

A restaurant in Pennsylvania has started selling a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton topped with buffalo chicken and hot sauce. They also have a Trump pizza, it doesn’t have any toppings but the crust is folded over to hide it. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Finally, a senior citizen who scares Paul Ryan ($ellout)

"After watching Clint Eastwood last night, be honest, Sarah Palin is not looking too bad now, is she?" –Jay Leno

"Much like the Republicans, the Democrats are also going to have a mystery speaker. I believe it's Mitt Romney's dog." –Jay Leno

"Clint Eastwood was the mystery guest tonight at the Republican convention. Finally, a senior citizen who scares Paul Ryan." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It's the same schedule her old man had (terrible precedent)

"Do you remember when George W. Bush was the President? Eight years of big time fun. And he had daughters, the Bush twins. And well, listen to this. One of the Bush twins, Jenna, 27 years old now, not just a kid. So now, listen to this. Jenna Bush is going to be on the 'Today' show. And if there is anything this country needs, it's more of that family. They can't get enough." --David Letterman

"Jenna Bush was hired as a correspondent for the 'Today' show. They say she will contribute about once a month. It's the same schedule her old man had." --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney accused Barack Obama of setting a 'terrible precedent.' That's what Cheney said, Obama is setting a 'terrible precedent,' not to be confused with George W. Bush, who was a terrible president. That's a different deal." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

NASA admitted they sort of forgot he was up there (Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor)

Astronaut Jeffrey Williams just set the U.S. record for most days in space, reaching the milestone of 521 days. It's less of an accomplishment after NASA admitted they sort of forgot he was up there. –Jimmy Fallon

"Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan had a campaign event at an apple orchard. There was one awkward moment when they told the granny smiths they were considering cutting their Medicare." –Jimmy Fallon

One of the candidates at the early GOP debate, George Pataki, said his routine before every debate is to drink a diet lemon Snapple iced tea and pray. Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Focus on the banks and corporations controlling them (See, I do reach out to poor people)

"Paul Ryan just released his tax returns for the last two years, and it turns out he and his wife had a combined income of over $323,000 last year. To which Mitt Romney said, 'See, I do reach out to poor people." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says if he is elected he will create 12 million new jobs in his first year in office – and that's just for people to do his taxes." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney says he's never paid less than 13% in taxes, which I think is fair because only 13% of his money is in this country." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The delicious mercury makes you forget what money was (so you can expect him to use every trick in the book he has never read)

“Donald Trump’s got about how long, 15 months? Fifteen months to keep the economy from collapsing before the election, so you can expect him to use every trick in the book he has never read.” --Stephen Colbert

"Only one publication had a reporter with Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan on day one, 'People Magazine.' Or as Mitt Romney calls it 'Corporation Magazine.'" –Stephen Colbert

“He’ll try every financial maneuver he knows: getting a shady loan from Russia, telling his blackjack dealers to stick on a soft 17. And if all else fails? Selling Dr. Trump’s patented anti-recession elixir. The delicious mercury makes you forget what money was.” --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

In fact, it's even a crappy tip (So apparently he's not going)

"Donald Trump says he has a big surprise in store for everybody at the Republican National Convention this year - a surprise he says people will love. So apparently he's not going." –Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney said he will not release any more tax returns. He said that he guarantees that he paid at least 13 percent every year. 13 percent? That's not a tax, that's a tip. In fact, it's even a crappy tip." –Jay Leno

"Thank you for coming out on a hot day. The heat has not let up here. It was 109 today in Los Angeles. I was sweating like a Medicare patient at a Romney-Ryan rally." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof (Well, no harm done)

"Republicans like Paul Ryan because they say he's a fiscal conservative, and that's a perfect balance for Mitt Romney who's a guy that has an elevator for his Cadillacs." –David Letterman

"How about that Dick Cheney? Do you remember Dick Cheney? Now here's a guy we didn't really think much about until he goes hunting one day. And everything changed. I mean, he became Dick 'Kaboom' Cheney. He is now saying that Saddam Hussein had no connection with 9/11. Well, no harm done." --David Letterman

"In college Paul Ryan drove the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. So he and Romney have something in common. Both have the experience of driving a car with a dog on the roof." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Stop glorifying your oppressors (Chrysler Mountain)

In Argentina, an entire trove of Nazi artifacts has been found hidden in a house. You can see the whole thing on the new reality show, “Nazi Hoarders.” –Conan O’Brien

House Speaker Paul Ryan has unveiled a Republican alternative to Obamacare. It’s called "Dying at 50." –Conan O’Brien

"Tough times all over. Amusement park company Six Flags is filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Experts say it's due in large part to their money-losing ride, Chrysler Mountain." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

That tweet didn't age well at all (Take a Wish Foundation)

There’s a proposed bill in New York that would allow medical marijuana to be prescribed for menstrual cramps. Which is why millions of men in New York are now saying "it is my time of the month." –Conan O’Brien

A new report came out and it says that Donald Trump once shifted charitable donations for sick kids into his own business. Trump referred to the charity as the "Take a Wish Foundation." –Conan O’Brien

House Speaker Paul Ryan described Donald Trump’s remarks about a Hispanic judge as a "textbook definition" of racism. When they heard this, Trump supporters said, "You lost us at 'textbook.'" –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? Or just here in Italy? (Lots and lots of Xanax)

Today, President Trump had his first meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Everyone in the U.S. was watching closely and looking for some white smoke to see if we have a new president. –Jimmy Fallon

After their meeting, the Pope gave Trump a medal featuring an olive branch. When Trump received it, he asked, “Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? Or just here in Italy?” –Jimmy Fallon

After weeks of hesitation, Paul Ryan finally endorsed Donald Trump for president on Thursday. When asked what influenced his decision, Ryan said, “Xanax. Lots and lots of Xanax.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Both are protesting for freedom against being told what to do (Paul Ryan was untied and set free)

"Mitt Romney waited until 1 a.m. to give his concession speech. They were talking to him and said what are you going to do now? And he said, 'I plan to spend some time with my tax returns.'" –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney was very gracious in his remarks in his concession speech. Shortly after Mitt Romney conceded, Paul Ryan was untied and set free." –David Letterman

"Mitt Romney got a job at a Marriott hotel. President Obama's trying to stop us from going over the fiscal cliff. Mitt Romney is trying to stop people from stealing towels." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In that, if you believe him, you are a dope (benefit of the doubt)

Right now, Donald Trump has 40 percent favorable, whereas on his Inauguration Day, Barack Obama’s favorability rating was 79 percent. But he was the first black president, and if America’s known for anything, it’s giving black men the benefit of the doubt. –Stephen Colbert

"Paul Ryan stretching the truth to make his speech more effective is just another form of doping. In that, if you believe him, you are a dope." –Stephen Colbert

"We already knew that Barack Obama went to a madrassa, his middle name is Hussein, and his followers would strap dynamite to themselves if he asked, but this photo clinches it. Barack Obama is a rare combination. If there's one thing we've learned from the Clinton campaign, it's that he is a terrorist and lacks the experience to fight terrorists. The Obama people say that this is an innocent picture of him in traditional Somali costume taken during a tour of Africa. They say the photo was released to Matt Drudge by the Hillary Clinton campaign. Where do they get this stuff? In this case, Matt Drudge, who said he got the photo from the Clinton campaign. Obama's people have called leaking the photo -- quote -- 'shameful, offensive fear-mongering' -- exactly what you would expect a terrorist to say, maybe with an accent. The Clinton folks put the blame where it belongs. Chief strategist Maggie Williams said -- quote -- 'If Barack Obama's campaign wants to suggest that a photo of him wearing traditional Somali clothing is divisive, they should be ashamed.' She is right, it's not divisive. In fact, it brings the nation together in the belief that Barack Obama is a terrorist." --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But now he says that's all bong water under the bridge (extremely circumcised)

At a hardware store in California, a man was caught on camera attempting to steal a chainsaw, but stuffing it down his pants. Honestly, let him keep hit. He earned that chainsaw more than anyone who ever paid for it. The suspect got away and police are describing him as medium height, medium build, and extremely circumcised. --James Corden

Speaking of speakers, the man who Paul Ryan replaced as speaker of the House, Republican John Boehner, has announced he's joining the advisory board of one of the country's largest legal marijuana companies. Now here is the thing. For his entire congressional career, Boehner said that he was strongly opposed to legalizing marijuana. But now he says that's all bong water under the bridge. --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”