In fairness, that was his first time ever meeting black people (what could possibly go right?)

Mitt Romney was in Jacksonville, Florida, and they had the big Martin Luther King Day parade there. You have to hand it to him. Even though he didn't fit in at all, he made himself right at home there. Take a look [on screen: Romney asking a group of black children 'Who let the dogs out, whoo whoo!']. Did you hear that question he asked? In fairness, that was his first time ever meeting black people." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Mike Tyson, for reasons unknown, stopped by City Hall to meet with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Mike Tyson and Rob Ford — what could possibly go right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Hey, let me tell you something. If all you need to do to become vice president is be a former beauty queen with a tanning bed, then I'm casting my vote for Ryan Seacrest!" –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I mean, talk about Junk Mail (oh God, it's a trap, why is the door locked, help!)

Earlier this week Donald Trump received the endorsement of one of America's great political minds. Remember, Mike Tyson once bit a man's ear off on national television — and endorsing Donald Trump is the craziest thing he has ever done. –James Corden

A personalized greeting card company that allows you to upload your own photos, was forced to go on Twitter to plead with their customers to stop uploading pictures of their genitals. Greeting cards with people’s genitals on them? I mean, talk about Junk Mail. --James Corden

Trump supporters were really angry today that it looks like he was making deals with the Democrats and abandoning the border wall. They said that Trump never betrays anyone. Aside from Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci, Reince Priebus, Steve Bannon, his two ex-wives, and that one daughter he never talks about. Aside from that, he never betrays anybody. –James Corden

​​Trump was actually agreeing with the Democrats. They must have been suspicious of this. They must have been in the Oval Office, like, “This is easy. Maybe a bit TOO easy — oh God, it's a trap, why is the door locked, help!” –James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

People Who Have Been Hit in the Head a Lot (completely different attitudes toward Latino immigrants)

Tonight was the World Series and the Republican debate. In other words, two events with completely different attitudes toward Latino immigrants. –Conan O’Brien

"This is interesting. One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called 'Barackula.' Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called 'Dick Cheney.'" –Conan O'Brien

On Monday, former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson endorsed Donald Trump. Tyson joins Trump’s biggest group of supporters: "People Who Have Been Hit in the Head a Lot." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Some Republicans are upset because it may remind voters of — President Bush (what could possibly go right?)

Sean Spicer’s out, Reince Priebus is out, Trumpcare is dead, and Kim Jong Un has a missile that can reach New York. And weirdly, I don’t feel tired from all the winning yet. –Jimmy Kimmel

"You know, a garage sale is fine, but California owes $30 billion. If we really want to make money, forget the garage sale, take some of that confiscated pot and have a bake sale." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Mike Tyson, for reasons unknown, stopped by City Hall to meet with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Mike Tyson and Rob Ford — what could possibly go right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush's memoir is set to come out just in time for the midterm elections and it has some Republicans upset because it may remind voters of — President Bush. One conservative columnist called the timing of the book release 'selfish and stupid,' which, coincidentally, is also the title of the book." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I wish him a safe journey back to his home planet (Incredible Customer Service)

April 2022

“The news of Elon Musk purchasing Twitter set off a wave of takes so hot, they burned off my eyebrows and I had to draw them back on.” —Trevor Noah

“But one of the biggest takes came from former Twitter C.E.O. Jack Dorsey, who gave Musk his stamp of approval saying, ‘I trust his mission to extend the lights of consciousness.’ And I’ll be honest, people, I have no idea what that means, but Jack’s clearly on that billionaire speak.” —Trevor Noah

“All jokes aside, Jack Dorsey is a great guy, and I wish him a safe journey back to his home planet.” —Trevor Noah

“You know, Trump claims he won’t go back on Twitter, but he 100 percent will go back on Twitter, and then this dumb new company he conned everybody out of their money for will become, I guess, the social media equivalent of a Radio Shack — a Radio Shack that is run by Devin Nunes.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Yeah, so Truth Social is competition for Twitter the same way that guy on the plane was competition for Mike Tyson.” —Trevor Noah

“Also, it doesn’t bode well that Trump himself has only posted on Truth Social one time ever. Yeah, and that was two months ago. Think about how crazy that is, people — when he was on Twitter, Trump would send out, what, like 50 tweets every time he went to the bathroom? Now he hasn’t posted for two months. Somebody needs to get this guy prune juice fast!” —Trevor Noah

“I’ll be honest, though, the only reason I would want Trump back on Twitter, the only reason, because — I know, yes, it would probably lead to another term and it would destroy the country — but I just, I just really want to see his Wordle scores.” —Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You went onstage and did what at an awards show? (damned if you do, Ted Cruz if you don’t)

“Obviously, Chris Rock did not deserve to be slapped in the face for a joke. Will’s point of view is he was defending his wife, and that’s a tough position to be in because it’s damned if you do, Ted Cruz if you don’t.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“To me, there’s only one more step to make this right: the Comedy Central roast of Will Smith, hosted by Chris Rock.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“And by the way, no one did anything. A whole roomful of people, no one lifted a finger. Spider-Man was there, Aquaman was there, Catwoman, all sitting on their hands. No one helped Chris Rock. We will never stop talking about this. It was so shocking. The only thing I can really compare it to is when Mike Tyson bit Evander Holyfield’s ears. Even Kanye was like, ‘You went onstage and did what at an awards show?’” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even Mike Tyson was like, 'That's a ridiculous tattoo.' (So now Florida can get back to doing what it does best)

November 2012

"The presidential election officially ended this weekend, four days after the polls closed. The votes from Florida finally came in. So now Florida can get back to doing what it does best, which is eating early and driving slowly." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mitt Romney has a supporter in Indiana who thought it was a good idea to have the Romney/Ryan logo tattooed on his face. He'll feel stupid when he finds out about campaign buttons. " –Jimmy Kimmel

"Even Mike Tyson was like, 'That's a ridiculous tattoo.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"I wonder if laser tattoo removal is covered under Obamacare. That would be ironic, wouldn't it?" –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

where else are you going to get that action, baby? (I guess this marijuana really works)

December 2020

“They’re still in their 50s, so it was kind of like watching a fight scene from ‘The Irishman,’ except with double the amount of Black people from ‘The Irishman.’” — Trevor Noah, on Mike Tyson’s fighting Roy Jones Jr. over the weekend

“Who is this person disguised as Mike Tyson? What happened to the guy who said he would eat your children? And bit off two human ears? I guess this marijuana really works.” — Jimmy Kimmel, on Tyson’s mellow reaction to the fight being called a draw

“Even half-baked, Tyson looked pretty good. Roy Jones was hanging on to him for dear life. It was less of a fight — it was more like two old friends who haven’t seen each other in a long time, they just got the vaccine.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Now I know some people didn’t think this fight was worth the $50 they paid on pay-per-view, but right now, people, this is the only place you can see two middle-aged men fighting. I mean, now that Covid has canceled all the Little League games, where else are you going to get that action, baby?” — Trevor Noah

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They’re both 80’s pop culture icons with horrible histories with women (everyone has a plan until you get punched in the face)

“Another bizarre and frustrating week of Donald Trump royally shanking his coronavirus press conferences. An assessment of his latest strategy: inviting individual governors to the Oval Office. On Thursday, the president met with New Jersey’s governor, Phil Murphy, for a press call in which he latched on to an analogy Murphy used for coronavirus shock: ‘As Mike Tyson said, everyone has a plan until you get punched in the face.’ It makes sense that Trump would relate to Mike Tyson. They’re both 80’s pop culture icons with horrible histories with women who need no excuse to eat a human ear.” —Stephen Colbert

“I admire Trump’s gall to say the US will somehow be rid of the virus because it will ‘disappear’ with or without a vaccine – ‘If you don’t have a vaccine and the virus is gone, we’re like we were before,’ Trump said. Oh, where we were before, good! So instead of being in a global pandemic, we’ll go back to being completely unprepared for a global pandemic.” —Stephen Colbert

“Here’s the thing: Trump doesn’t want everything to go back to normal because we’re ready for it to go back to normal. He wants everything to go back to normal because he’s bored. Indeed, Trump told reporters this week that he’s been in the White House for months and would ‘like to get out.’ Mr President, we would all like to get you out of the White House. —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

there are some things Mike Tyson will not do (Now you do me)

"In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don't mind being patted down by airport security, but I don't like it when the guy says, 'Now you do me.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Voters in Arizona have approved a measure allowing medical marijuana. Arizona is now the 15th state where you can pretend to have glaucoma." –Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of former presidents, I'm not making this up. Former President Clinton apparently has a cameo in he new "Hangover 2" movie. Yep. When asked why Clinton is in the movie, the producers said there are some things Mike Tyson will not do." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

what the hell am I going to do with a two ton monument of the Ten Commandments? (new spokesperson for the Target stores)

Saturday night Tupac Shakur was leaving the Bruce Seldon and Mike Tyson fight  in Las Vegas and he was shot four times. Even though he was shot four times, he’s OK. That means he actually survived more rounds than Seldon. --David Letterman 9/10/1996

This is the second time that Tupac Shakur has been shot in the last eighteen months. It does have a silver lining though, because earlier today Tupac was named as the new spokesperson for the Target stores. --David Letterman 9/10/1996

Do you ever have buyer’s remorse? I woke up this morning and wondered what the hell am I going to do with a two ton monument of the Ten Commandments? --David Letterman 8/28/2003

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Trump is now currently working on plans to build an enormous needle

Yesterday, Donald Trump told the crowd in Iowa, "I am a great Christian." If you have to tell people you're a great Christian, you might not be a great Christian. Jesus said it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God. Which is why Donald Trump is now currently working on plans to build an enormous needle. –Jimmy Kimmel

Ben Carson's strongest support comes from evangelical Christians, a group that Donald Trump has had real trouble with, evidently. People who read the Bible just don't want to follow someone who looks that much like a golden calf. –Stephen Colbert

Earlier this week Donald Trump received the endorsement of one of America's great political minds. Remember, Mike Tyson once bit a man's ear off on national television — and endorsing Donald Trump is the craziest thing he has ever done. –James Corden

The only acceptable time to take advice from a man with a face tattoo is if you're wondering how to hide a body. –James Corden

The study was conducted by a bunch of jerks trying to ruin Halloween

On Monday, former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson endorsed Donald Trump. Tyson joins Trump’s biggest group of supporters: "People Who Have Been Hit in the Head a Lot." –Conan O’Brien

Tonight’s Republican debate took place in Colorado, where marijuana is legal. Which explains why every single question from the audience was, "Where am I?" –Conan O’Brien

A new study just came out that shows decreasing the amount of sugar in obese children's diet improves their health within 10 days. The study was conducted by a bunch of jerks trying to ruin Halloween. –Conan O’Brien

Romney chewed off his other ear

"George W. Bush gave a commencement speech at Southern Methodist University this weekend. It was pretty inspirational. He said, 'As I like to tell the 'C' students, you too can be president.' Even George W. Bush has George W. Bush comedy material in his act." –Jimmy Fallon



"During a charity boxing match on Friday, Mitt Romney lasted two rounds against Evander Holyfield and raised a million dollars. It was just like Holyfield's fight with Mike Tyson, except Romney chewed off his other ear talking about his 18 grandchildren." –Jimmy Fallon



What could possibly go right?

"Mike Tyson, for reasons unknown, stopped by City Hall to meet with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Mike Tyson and Rob Ford — what could possibly go right?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Vice President Dick Cheney had a closed door meeting with House Republicans to discuss foreign policy issues. He wanted to sit down with them and have a real heart to…whatever is in there at this point." –Jimmy Fallon



"Congress sent a letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Wednesday demanding 'the highest level of transparency' concerning the league's handling of the Ray Rice domestic violence incident. That's right, Congress sent him a letter. They would have sent a video, but they wanted Goodell to see it.' –Seth Meyers