"Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology." –David Letterman
"When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'" –David Letterman
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Hurricane Isaac turned out to be not much of a threat to the Republican convention. But to their credit, the Republicans had a contingency plan. If the hurricane did hit hard, delegates were instructed to evacuate to Mitt Romney's tax shelter." –Jay Leno
"Clint Eastwood was the mystery guest tonight at the Republican convention. Finally, a senior citizen who scares Paul Ryan." –Jay Leno
"A hurricane is scheduled to hit Tampa during the Republican Convention. These winds are so strong they could actually blow some of Mitt Romney's money back in the United States." –Jay Leno
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
There was some talk that the vice president had been drinking before he went out to shoot and it turns out that was true. Dick Cheney said he did have a beer during lunch. One beer, and the only reason he even drank it was to wash down the three hits of ecstasy." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The Dow went up 410 points today on Wall Street. You may already know, the government has bailed two huge financial companies out, and today, they strongly hinted that they would bail the rest of them out, at taxpayers' expense. It's all part of a new approach our leaders in the White House and Congress are taking to the economy. It's called socialism." –Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
“At former President Trump’s hush-money trial it was quite a day to be a stenographer. These are actual phrases that were used in court today: ‘human toilet’, ‘orange turd’ and ‘make America horny again’. Print those out and hang them on the Smithsonian wall. —Jimmy Kimmel
“Today’s cross-examination was described as ‘heated’ and ‘intense,’ which coincidentally are the only two settings on Trump’s tanning bed.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Today, former President Trump’s attorneys finished their cross-examination of Stormy Daniels, and they accused her of lying and hawking merchandise for personal gain. Trump was like, ‘This also feels like a shot at me, too.’” — Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement his brilliant plan [on screen: Operation 'Greet Us As Liberators']. It was so simple: Go in with 100,000 troops, topple the regime, everybody loves us, and we leave by Easter 2003. These ex-military men have their right to their opinions, that's fine. They just shouldn't voice them during a war [on screen: 'Loose Lips Sink Bush's Approval Ratings']" --Stephen Colbert
"But there is some good news, nation. The Democrats are killing themselves. This week, on the liberal website Daily Kos, a civil war has broken out. Clinton bloggers are protesting what they feel is an abusively pro-Obama environment. Apparently, they were getting the crap hoped out of them. I read all 1,258 angry comments. Folks, I love when Democrats spend all their time in anonymous Internet feuds, anything to keep them off the 'Casual Encounters' section on Craigslist. Meanwhile, Barack Obama was on the defensive over his ties to controversial Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Yesterday, he responded with a speech on race. Press reaction to the speech was mixed. The New York Times compared it to addresses by Lincoln, FDR and Kennedy, and called it 'powerful' and 'frank.' While the Los Angeles Times compared it to speeches by Lincoln, FDR and Kennedy, but called it 'remarkable' and 'historic.' Oh, but every time I give a speech about how angry black people are, they call me a racist." --Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"People in New York are especially excited by Judge Sotomayor because she comes from the Bronx. In fact, Judge Sotomayor famously presided over the landmark New York City case, Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up." --Conan O'Brien
Mexico's No. 1 drug lord has escaped from prison and may be headed to the U.S. So Donald Trump was wrong. They ARE sending us their best. –Conan O’Brien
"I don't know if you're following this, but earlier today, in Vatican City, President Obama had a historic meeting with Pope Benedict XVI. Or, as Fox News is reporting it, 'Obama Caught With Old Man in Dress.'" --Conan O'Brien
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
In a new branding initiative announced today, the Fox News channel has said that it’s getting rid of its longtime slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Yeah, they’re getting rid of that. Here is an idea. If Fox News really wants to be accurate, shouldn’t they just really drop the part that says news? But then again, it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment. –James Corden
The state of Vermont is trying to get people to move into their state and to sweeten the deal they're now offering each new resident up to $10,000. This is great because up until now, the most popular way to become a Vermont resident was through the witness protection program. --James Corden
This morning Donald Trump tweeted: “They made up a phony collusion with the Russian story, found zero proof, so now they go with obstruction of justice on the phony story. Nice.” Donald Trump is the first president to make regular use of the sarcastic “nice,” isn’t he? You never heard FDR go, “This is a date which will live in infamy. Nice.” –James Corden
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Donald Trump sued Univision today for $500 million, which everyone's making a big deal about, but what future president hasn't sued a TV network for pulling his beauty pageant off the air? When Roosevelt did it, no one said a word. –Jimmy Kimmel
I'm trying to figure out what to make for the Fourth of July. Hamburgers and hot dogs get a lot of attention, but the Fourth is really the blueberry's day to shine. When you need a blue food to round out your red, white, and blue items, there's nowhere else to turn but the blueberry. Every year, the blueberry has it right where it wants us. I say good for the blueberry. It deserves it.—Jimmy Kimmel
"It's Day 71 of the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. They just did a poll that says only 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP, to which I say, 6 percent of Americans have a favorable view of BP? That's 18 million people. Is it possible that 18 million Americans don't know what the word favorable means?" –Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"The big immigration bill is dead for now. Some are saying the Republicans didn't really want this bill because it's really more useful for them to have a wedge issue of illegal aliens, the same way they had gay marriage in 2004. That poor Ricky Martin. He just can't catch a break." --Bill Maher
"Hillary's speeches may not be exciting, but, by God, every tired, cliched, coma-inducing word is original. Except that they're not, that's the thing. You know, politicians, they all steal. In her closing statement, she ripped off something that Bill Clinton used to say, and he got it from Kennedy, who got it from FDR, who got it from Lincoln, who got it from McCain. He's old." --Bill Maher
"There are some people who say, after they watched this debate, that Hillary was kind of conceding that the Clinton campaign realized that end times are near for them. I don't know, but I do know this -- today, she replaced her campaign manager with Britney Spears' father." --Bill Maher
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
The Georgia senate runoff set records for early voting. Hershel Walker has always encouraged his supporters to take care of voting early before it becomes a problem. —Colin Jost
There is growing support to move the first Democratic primary from Iowa to South Carolina, but why move it to another boring state? Start the primaries with a bang in Florida. Right? Instead of watching a politician eat a corndog at the Iowa State Fair, imagine Pete Buttigieg smoking meth shirtless at Gatorland as he battles for the state’s key demographic. Grandma’s under 3o. You know, at the end of the day, Florida may not give us FDR or JFK, but it will definitely give us HPV. —Colin Jost
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reached a settlement in their divorce, and I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that she had an easier time finding a good lawyer. —Colin Jost
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“So all the bad stuff they’ve been saying President Trump didn’t do, now they’re saying he did it and he does it all the time? The defense has gone from ‘If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit’ to ‘Give me back my glove!’” --Jimmy Kimmel
“But meanwhile, this U.S. exit from Syria was so sudden and hasty, we actually had to bomb one of our own bases to destroy the ammunition that was left behind. Thanks to our genius commander in chief, the U.S. military is now bombing itself. And it was a success, too. We totally caught ourselves by surprise.” --Jimmy Kimmel
"Vladimir Putin said that when Americans claim to be exceptional it offends other countries. This from a man who arrests his political opponents, persecutes people based on sexual orientation, and put a girl band in a labor camp for singing songs he didn't like. We don't think we are better than everyone else. We just think we are better than him, specifically." –Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"On the latest Mel Gibson tape, he insults women and uses ethnic slurs and obscenities. I knew Mel was an actor and a director, but apparently he’s also a rapper." –Jay Leno
"Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away. He was a tough guy. Within five minutes in heaven, he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard." –Jay Leno
"Last night, they had the 60th Emmy awards. What a star-studded affair that was. There were more celebrities there than a Barack Obama fundraiser. It was unbelievable. I guess the miniseries 'John Adams' set a new Emmy record last night. 13 wins. So, a guy from the 1700s can still win today. That is good news for John McCain." --Jay Leno
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“President Volodymyr Zelensky of Ukraine addressed Congress by video link on Wednesday, pleading for more help in his country’s fight against Russia. Yeah, that’s right, Zelensky brought out all of America’s major moments: ‘I have a dream,’ 9/11, Mount Rushmore. You know he was on Wikipedia last night planning this out: [imitating Zelensky] ‘OK, Pearl Harbor, Boston Tea Party — should I mention Hulk Hogan sex tape, maybe?” —Trevor Noah
“And by the way, props to him, I mean he knows way more about America than most U.S. senators know about his country. Like, can you imagine how they would sound if they had to give an inspiring speech using Ukrainian history? [imitating U.S. senator] ‘Uh, people of Ukraine, remember the vision of your founder — I want to say Daniel Ukraine?’” —Trevor Noah
“I’m also impressed that Zelensky was able to dodge so many land mines in his research, because you realize this could have gone very wrong: [imitating Zelensky] ‘And now to 9/11, which as we all know from YouTube was inside job. I see you, Bush.’” —Trevor Noah
“Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky delivered a virtual address to Congress this morning and received a standing ovation, making him the first comedian to actually deserve one.” —Seth Meyers
“You know it is powerful when that many old people jump to their feet. There are knees in that room that were alive during the Roosevelt administration.” —Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“But on the bright side, this is the perfect excuse to pretend you’re going to get back on the bike you bought mid-pandemic and rode twice.” —James Corden
“Some people go for the jugular. America? They go for the McRib.” —James Corden
“President Biden’s latest approval rating is about 45%,which if you’ve seen his past numbers, pretty much counts as beloved. To the Biden camp, this is like Paul Rudd numbers.” —Seth Meyers
“I also admired President Zelensky’s video from Kyiv, in which he said wasn’t hiding. Dude, I salute your courage, but it’s fine if you hide. It’s a war, not WWE – ‘I’m right here, brother! Any time, any place.’” —Seth Meyers
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“In less than a day, Putin’s “special military operation” – an unprovoked attack on its neighbor – left Ukrainian cities in chaos, highways clogged with civilians fleeing west, subway stations turned into bomb shelters. And the Russian leader had a pretty lame excuse to justify it. In a propaganda-laden speech Thursday morning, Putin claimed the attack was intended to ‘de-nazify’ the Ukrainian government. De-nazify? That’s hard to do when you’re acting like de-Nazis.” –Stephen Colbert
“Meanwhile, Donald Trump has been out there pushing a pro-Putin agenda forever, and he was still out there last night in a speech at Mar-a-Gulago. On Wednesday evening, Trump addressed a fundraising dinner and praised Putin’s unilateral declaration that two eastern provinces of Ukraine were independent. ‘Listen, he’s taking over a country, really a vast, vast location,’ said Trump, ‘a great piece of land with a lot of people, and just walking right in.’ Everything is a real estate deal with this guy! It’s the biggest attack on a European country since World War II! When Hitler invaded Poland, FDR didn’t say ‘well, it would make a good golf course.’” —Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Well the stock market is plummeting and there is a threat of a land war in Europe. So it looks like democrats were right. Joe Biden is the next FDR. —Colin Jost
President Biden is working to prevent a war between Russia and Ukraine, and he said a video call between European allies went very, very, very well. OK, the third very worries me. You only say that when you are trying to cover up something. Like, if Matt Gaetz said that girl was very very very over eighteen. —Colin Jost
A new report shows that last year, the U.S. economy grew at its fastest rate since Ronald Reagan was president. Biden has even started using Reagan’s old catch phrase, ‘Where am I?’ —Colin Jost
Three items put up for auction by Melania Trump failed to reach the opening bid of $250,000. But Melania is no stranger to finding out something isn’t worth as much as she thought. —Colin Jost
It was announced that Mountain Dew’s Baja Blast is being converted into a new alcoholic seltzer, which is then being converted into your third DUI. —Colin Jost
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html
#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry
"The White House announced that President Obama will visit Pope Francis in the near future. Pope Francis thinks Obamacare can be a success. Sure, he's the Pope. He has to believe in miracles." –Jay Leno
"Health authorities say they're seeing a massive increase in antibiotic drug-resistant diseases and are predicting a worldwide epidemic of diseases we can no longer treat. That's great news, huh? We finally get healthcare and now we've got diseases you can't treat." –Jay Leno
"Health officials are now warning that pot smoking can cause apathy. In fact, a recent poll shows that most pot smokers couldn't care less." –Jay Leno
"Director Ken Burns revealed that his next documentary is about Franklin Roosevelt, and it's 14 hours long. You know it's bad when your movie is so long even Franklin Roosevelt would have stood up and walked out." –Jimmy Fallon
"Yeah, 14 hours about President Roosevelt. Which sounds like too much until you realize there's been over 30 hours of TV dedicated to Honey Boo Boo." –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html
#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry
"President Obama's approval rating is at 37 percent, the lowest point of his presidency. Here's how bad it is. You know the Thanksgiving turkey he's pardoning this week? The turkey said: No pictures. It didn't want to be seen." –Jay Leno
"PETA says that today's turkeys are being bred to have such large breasts, they're dying of heart attacks. I don't want to be insensitive, but that's still better than getting your head chopped off." –Jay Leno
"The FCC is considering lifting the ban on cellphone calls on planes. The good news is you'll be able to make calls during your flight. The bad news? The person sitting next to you will be able to make cellphone calls during your flight." –Jay Leno
"They got three feet of fresh powder back East. And that was just in freshman Florida Congressman Trey Radel's office. Radel says he's going into rehab and when he gets out, he wants to be named ambassador to Colombia." –Jay Leno
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Senator Kyrsten Sinema says she is opposed to raising taxes on the wealthy to pay for President Biden’s agenda. Finally, someone speaking up for billionaires because it’s so hard to hear them from space. —Michael Che
Donald Trump announced the launch of his own social media network he’s calling Truth Social. But most people know it by its original name The National Sex Offender Registry. —Michael Che
At a CNN town hall President Biden discussed the importance of addressing mental health saying, “a broken spirit is no different than a broken arm.” Well, if I keep betting on the Giants, I’m going to have both. —Michael Che
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night
of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”
