Not to brag... (So, no, Andrew Cuomo’s not taking the loss well)

On Tuesday, Zohran Mamdani was elected mayor of New York City. He was elected mayor despite his opponent, Andrew Cuomo, receiving endorsements from Donald Trump and Eric Adams, which is like trying to bring a girl home by saying, "Not to brag, but I have hepatitis B and C.” —Colin Jost

A video has gone viral of a man in Mexico coming up behind President Claudia Sheinbaum and trying to kiss and grope her. So, no, Andrew Cuomo’s not taking the loss well. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If there's anything that people who make the laws hate is being treated like the people who have to follow the laws (Ancestral Mathematics)

"Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away. He was a tough guy. Within five minutes in heaven, he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard." –Jay Leno

"On the latest Mel Gibson tape, he insults women and uses ethnic slurs and obscenities. I knew Mel was an actor and a director, but apparently he’s also a rapper." –Jay Leno

"This is really unified in both parties. House Speaker Dennis Hastert has attacked the FBI for raiding the congressman's office, saying it was an abuse of power. Imagine the nerve of the FBI treating members of Congress like they are regular Americans. Can you imagine? If there's anything that people who make the laws hate is being treated like the people who have to follow the laws." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Between the Boy Scouts and gay marriage, Republicans really don’t want gays tying the knot (jockeying for the title of biggest disaster)

"British Petroleum stopped the oil leak at 3:25 p.m. Eastern Time. And at 3:26 p.m., Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan began jockeying for the title of 'biggest disaster.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Rick Perry said this weekend that he believes Boy Scouts would be “better off if they didn’t have openly gay scoutmasters.” Man, between the Boy Scouts and gay marriage, Republicans really don’t want gays tying the knot. –Seth Meyers

“In other news, Fox News Media plans to launch a 24-hour weather channel later this year. Finally, branching out into something where it’s acceptable to be wrong half the time.” —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It’s kinda neat but it feels unnatural because you know one of them gonna get snacky (They are schedule 1 controlled delicious)

April 2023

“A Texas federal judge’s decided to suspend the FDA’s approval of a common abortion pill. Evidently, this judge thinks he knows more about medication than the FDA. The medication, mifepristone, has been on the market for more than 20 years. You can’t just randomly ban things that have been around for decades just because you don’t like them! You know how I know that? Mel Gibson.” —Stephen Colbert

“According to a new poll, 70% of Americans oppose the ban, including 53% of Republicans. Wait a second! Democrats and Republicans agree on something? That feels weird. It’s like one of those unlikely animal friendships, where you see a deer and a lion. It’s kinda neat but it feels unnatural because you know one of them gonna get snacky.” —Stephen Colbert

“More than 400 leaders of the pharmaceutical industry also condemned the decision with a letter, which pointed out that mifepristone is ‘safer than Tylenol, nearly all antibiotics and insulin’. So it seems like there wasn’t much about protecting public health in this ruling. We ingest way worse stuff than medication. Have you tried fried Oreos? They are schedule 1 controlled delicious.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Within five minutes in heaven, he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard (apparently he’s also a rapper)

"On the latest Mel Gibson tape, he insults women and uses ethnic slurs and obscenities. I knew Mel was an actor and a director, but apparently he’s also a rapper." –Jay Leno

"Yankees owner George Steinbrenner passed away. He was a tough guy. Within five minutes in heaven, he fired God and told Jesus to lose the beard." –Jay Leno

"Last night, they had the 60th Emmy awards. What a star-studded affair that was. There were more celebrities there than a Barack Obama fundraiser. It was unbelievable. I guess the miniseries 'John Adams' set a new Emmy record last night. 13 wins. So, a guy from the 1700s can still win today. That is good news for John McCain." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You got new war money? (jockeying for the title of 'biggest disaster')

"BP stopped the oil leak at 3:25 p.m. Eastern Time. And at 3:26 p.m., Mel Gibson and Lindsay Lohan began jockeying for the title of 'biggest disaster.'" –Jimmy Fallon

Michael Keaton said in a recent interview that it's very unlikely they'll be doing a Beetlejuice sequel. Then he said, "Unless you ask me two more times." –Jimmy Fallon

"Former President George W. Bush just signed a $7 million book deal, though, reportedly, he thought it was to read one." --Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Today, they ruled it's okay for straight people to rollerblade (Goodbye cruel world)

 

"This weekend, Karl Rove said John McCain's attack ads have gone too far. When Karl Rove says you've gone too far, that's like Mel Gibson saying you've had too much to drink." --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama called Hillary today to thank her for distracting everyone away from the whole crazy pastor thing. Obama's campaign is all about hope - hope Hillary keeps saying stupid crap and getting herself in trouble." --Craig Ferguson

"It's been a bit of a week for the Supreme Court. Yesterday they ruled that it's okay for gay people to get married. Today, they ruled it's okay for straight people to rollerblade." –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don’t know, maybe don’t tempt him? (We want our land back!)

November 2021

On Friday, Kyle Rittenhouse was found not guilty in the murder during two men during the Black Lives Matter protests. So hopefully he got all that shooting out of his system before he becomes a cop. —Michael Che

Protests are being held around the country in response to the acquittal of Kyle Rittenhouse, which is brave because Rittenhouse just got off for shooting protesters. I don’t know, maybe don’t tempt him? —Michael Che

Mel Gibson is reportedly in talks to direct a new Lethal Weapon movie. But if you want to see a broken down black guy team up with a handsome racist, just watch Weekend Update. —Michael Che

New research shows that before honey bees are killed by murder hornets they scream a rally cry to other bees who sadly just film the attack on their phones. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If they'd get off our butts and quit squeezing our nuts, we could enjoy Christmas (Give him a minute)

October 2013

"As far as negotiating with the president, John Boehner said, 'I don't want to put anything on the table and I don't want to take anything off the table.' Of course not — like most congressmen they like to do business UNDER the table." –Jay Leno

"Georgia Republican Congressman Phil Gingrey said it's time for his party to have a 'Braveheart' moment for the American people. Really? This whole government shutdown feels like another Mel Gibson movie: 'Ransom.'" –Jay Leno 

"Talking to reporters today about the shutdown, John Boehner said, 'If ands or buts were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas.' You know, if they'd get off our butts and quit squeezing our nuts, we could enjoy Christmas." –Jay Leno

"The other day California's health insurance exchange said that over 5 million people went to their website on the first day of Obamacare. It turns out they were off by 4.4 million. It got only 645,000 hits. It turns out those were from the same guy just trying to log on over and over." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, I'm at the bottom of a foursome (Not to alarm anybody...)

July 2013

"Things are getting so much worse for disgraced New York mayoral candidate and serial sexter Anthony Weiner. The latest New York City mayoral poll reveals that Weiner is in fourth place, or as Weiner says, 'Hey, I'm at the bottom of a foursome." –Conan O'Brien

"A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands." –Conan O’Brien

"Happy birthday today to Arnold Schwarzenegger, who is 66. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and families." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They're adorable little missiles with 'Hello Kitty' on them (Whoa, easy on the tequila)

April 2013

"North Korea is ruled by Kim Jong Un. Over the weekend, the premier of China told Kim Jong Un to chill out. Now, when the premier of China tells you to chill out, it's like Mel Gibson saying, 'Whoa, easy on the tequila.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Japan gave warnings too. They said if North Korea tests this new weapon, Japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system. They're adorable little missiles with 'Hello Kitty' on them." –Craig Ferguson

"This is unprecedented. First China, now Japan. I haven't seen people turn against a fat Korean guy this quickly since 'Gangnam Style.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Dealing with the North Koreans is very difficult. They have a history of making irrational decisions to divert the world's attention from the fact their system has totally collapsed. No wait, sorry. I was thinking of NBC." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All right, fine, I am a Muslim (I'm going to need a raise)

January 2013

"President Obama's half-brother is running for political office in Kenya. Donald Trump has already accused him of being born in the United States." –Conan O’Brien

"President Obama is coming under criticism that his new administration has less diversity than his first one. Which is why this morning Obama said, 'All right, fine, I am a Muslim." –Conan O'Brien

"The Golden Globes last night had a lot of great moments. During Jodie Foster's emotional speech she said she was gay, 50, and friends with Mel Gibson. Afterwards, her publicist told Jodie, 'I'm going to need a raise.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

I must have been drunk when I came up with it (a slippery slope to dental care)

June 2012

"The Republicans, for their part, have accepted the decision and said they're going to focus on working with the president. I'm joking, of course. They threw a tantrum, sh*t in their pants, and flung their feces at the White House. They took it like Mel Gibson does when a script is late." –Bill Maher

"The Tea Party is furious. They say this is a slippery slope to dental care." –Bill Maher

"Mitt Romney came out and said, 'It is bad policy, it is bad law, I must have been drunk when I came up with it.'" –Bill Maher

"Down in Louisiana, Republican Governor Bobby Jindal said he's just going to refuse to implement Obamacare. That's it, 'F**k you all. I'm just not doing it.' So if you need an operation in Louisiana, you're going to have to pay for it the old-fashioned way: Stand on a balcony, flash your tits, and hope someone throws you money." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you don't believe me, just ask my chauffeur (What the hell happened here?)

March 2012

“Mitt Romney's wife said she doesn't even consider herself wealthy. Then she said, ‘If you don't believe me, just ask my chauffeur.’” –Craig Ferguson

“Gas prices — it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.” ” –Craig Ferguson

“Stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana — conservative broadcaster Pat Robertson. He said it’s time to ‘you know, legalize it, tax it, and keep it away from Mel Gibson.’” –Craig Ferguson

“I don’t see why anyone is surprised, though. Pat Robertson is 81 years old. After a certain point, old people don’t care what anybody thinks. They just don’t. They wear socks with sandals.” –Craig Ferguson

“Pat Robertson said he never smoked pot and never will, and that just because something is ‘legal’ doesn’t mean we should do it. That’s the argument I always use against pineapple on your pizza.” –Craig Ferguson

“A phone survey found 70 percent of Americans support legalizing marijuana. I can’t believe that many marijuana supporters managed to answer the phone.” –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

No, because they pay cash! (the literal definition of a bribe)

President Trump is talking about taking military action against Iran this week after an attack on Saudi Arabia’s oil facilities, which Trump’s people are blaming on Tehran. Trump praised the Saudis for buying billions of dollars worth of American weapons systems, and claiming that the kingdom paid in cash.

“That would be the worst motivational speech before a war ever. [Showing an image of Mel Gibson in “Braveheart”:] That is like, ‘Why do we fight? Not for our wives, not for our children. No, because they pay cash! Aaaahhhhh! Sometimes Venmo, which we also accept!’” --Trevor Noah

“Wait, they paid you $400 billion in cash? How is that even — I think they’re scamming you, dude. [As Trump:] ‘They gave me 400 billion-dollar bills. And you know they’re real because they had Ivanka on them.’” --Seth Meyers

“So, once again, that is the literal definition of a bribe.” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

they're thinking about making him the next governor of Alaska (go to a monastery and take a vow of silence)

"Levi Johnston is planning to run for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. He really is trying as hard as he can to get shot by Sarah Palin, isn't he?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"Mel Gibson's father is speaking out, claiming that the Pope is a homosexual. It might be a good time for the whole Gibson family to go to a monastery and take a vow of silence." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Everyone is talking about Steven Slater, the flight attendant who cursed at a passenger, grabbed two beers, and slid down the escape slide, in what may be the best resignation ever. In fact he's so good at quitting, they're thinking about making him the next governor of Alaska." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Top Ten Reasons Jeb Bush Isn’t Running for President (Who stands with you?)

from July 2010

David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons Jeb Bush Isn’t Running for President"

10. Worried he can’t live up to the expectations

9. Doesn’t want to live in a house previously occupied by a smoker

8. Too busy with his daily routine: gym, tan, laundry 7. Huckabee has a lock on the 'pasty fat guy' vote

6. Leaves voicemail messages that make Mel Gibson sound like a choir boy

5. Scared of Lincoln’s ghost

4. Wants to be an 'American Idol' judge

3. Wasn’t blessed with the Bush family stammer

2. For some reason, he’d rather not inherit two wars, massive debt, and an ocean full of oil

1. No governor siblings to help him rig the election

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

It might be time to drill a relief well in Mel Gibson (dictator credibility)

"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is lashing out at Paul the Octopus, who predicted winners in the World Cup. Ahmadinejad said the octopus represents what’s wrong with the West. I guess he’s never seen 'Jersey Shore.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

"He said Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the Western world. You have to lose some dictator credibility when you pick a fight with an octopus." –Jimmy Kimmel

"There are more Mel Gibson tapes coming out. How many of these do they have? It might be time to drill a relief well in Mel Gibson." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The previous record holder was heroin (Oops, I did it again)

"Britney Spears has been giving her support to Mel Gibson throughout the scandal, which is ironic because Mel's latest tape is called, 'Oops, I did it again.'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama and his family are going on vacation in the Gulf Coast next month. Of course, the Gulf Coast is a lovely place to sit back and relax — just ask BP." –Jimmy Fallon

"Starbucks' profits went up 37 percent in the third quarter of this year. They say they owe the increase to their new strategy of opening a Starbucks inside an existing Starbucks." –Jimmy Fallon

"Facebook now has 500 million users. The previous record holder was heroin." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

MSNBC sent a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese (Destroying America?)

"Apparently BP's containment cap is leaking. When asked if the rumors are true, a BP spokesman said, 'Aren't there any more Mel Gibson tapes?'" –Craig Ferguson

"Dick Cheney is recovering from heart surgery in the hospital. I understand Fox sent flowers, and MSNBC sent a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese." –Jay Leno

"All of Mel Gibson's troubles could have been avoided if he'd just made those calls with the iPhone 4. None of them would have gone through." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”