He encouraged his supporters to take care of voting early before it becomes a problem (Grandma’s under 3o)

December 2022

The Georgia senate runoff set records for early voting. Hershel Walker has always encouraged his supporters to take care of voting early before it becomes a problem. —Colin Jost

There is growing support to move the first Democratic primary from Iowa to South Carolina, but why move it to another boring state? Start the primaries with a bang in Florida. Right? Instead of watching a politician eat a corndog at the Iowa State Fair, imagine Pete Buttigieg smoking meth shirtless at Gatorland as he battles for the state’s key demographic. Grandma’s under 3o. You know, at the end of the day, Florida may not give us FDR or JFK, but it will definitely give us HPV. —Colin Jost

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reached a settlement in their divorce, and I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that she had an easier time finding a good lawyer. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s working his way towards an invite to the Fantasy Suite (That’s applause sir)

August 2022

Well folks, President Biden returned from his vacation in South Carolina and signed the historic Inflation Reduction Act into law. Yeah, things have been going pretty great for Biden. He may not have gotten the First Impression rose, but he’s working his way towards an invite to the Fantasy Suite. —Jimmy Fallon

Right after he signed the bill, Biden was wondering about those strange sounds he was hearing until someone told him, “That’s applause sir.” —Jimmy Fallon

Experts say that it’s the most significant climate bill in U.S. history. Trump heard about it and was like, “You’ll definitely want to sneak that one home when you leave office.” —Jimmy Fallon

Biden was coughing when he signed the bill and everyone was like, “You can keep the pen.” —Jimmy Fallon

The CDC just added Russia to their Covid Travel Warning List. Damn, so now you’re telling me it’s unsafe to travel to Russia. —Jimmy Fallon

Did you see this? Thousands of pouches of Capri Sun have been recalled because the juice might have been contaminated with cleaning solution. Yeah, and now they’re actually rebranding it as Capri Sun Lysol Blast. —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Academy said it is ‘ready to dole out the pain’ (What the hell is a sock?)

March 2022

“This week has also seen Donald Trump accused of using burner phones during the January 6 riot to maintain privacy. He has claimed to not be aware of what a burner phone is. Dude, you worked in New York real estate for decades. I bet every phone he used was a burner phone. Trump’s former national security adviser John Bolton has claimed that the ex-president is lying, as he has used them before and spoken of them. Trump has always gone overboard with his defense. It’s like if your parents say they found weed in your sock drawer and you say, ‘What the hell is a sock?’” —Seth Meyers

“This week has also seen an investigation launched into Will Smith’s on-stage slap on Chris Rock. The Academy has said it is important to protect the integrity of the institution. And it is so important to protect the integrity of the Academy, Colbert said before coughing out the names of Roman Polanski, Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Academy said it is ‘ready to dole out the pain’ which might involve Smith being forced to watch a double-bill of Hitch and The Legend of Bagger Vance.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

All we know is that it was written on a burger wrapper (he’s going to get tired of losing)

January 2022

“Joe Biden's 1 year anniversary was not a good day for the former president, as the supreme court voted 8-1 to reject Donald Trump’s request to keep the National Archives from releasing documents to the House select committee on 6 January. He’s losing so much, he’s going to get tired of losing.” —Stephen Colbert

“Among the material Trump wanted to keep hidden are proposed talking points for the then press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, a draft text of Trump’s speech for the Save America rally preceding the attack, and a handwritten note concerning January 6. The note’s author is unknown. All we know is that it was written on a burger wrapper.” —Stephen Colbert

“Joe Biden promised no malarkey, but lawyers made him change it to ‘produced in a facility that also processes malarkey.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But now he's in favor of gay Secret Service agents (trimming the fat)

May 2012

"Vice President Joe Biden has come out in support of same-sex marriage. President Obama never endorsed gay marriage. But now he's in favor of gay Secret Service agents." –Jay Leno

"Police in Fort Wayne, Indiana, arrested a man for allegedly driving three blocks with four young children strapped to the hood of his car. Good to see Mitt Romney spending some time with the family, huh?" –Jay Leno

"New predictions out today claim 42 percent of Americans will be obese by the year 2030. They say the only way to stop that is for the government to step in. Oh yeah, when it comes to trimming the fat and tightening your belt, what better way than the U.S. government?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden (her favorite movie was Steel Mongolians)

June 2011

"Rush Limbaugh has come out with his own brand of iced tea, with a picture of him on horseback dressed as Paul Revere. How confusing is this going to be for Sarah Palin?" –Jay Leno

"Well, several congressmen have filed a lawsuit against President Obama for getting us involved in Libya. They claim Obama got the U.S. in a Middle East war without authorization from Congress. To which Dick Cheney and Bush said, 'You can get sued for that?'" –Jay Leno

"President Obama met with the president of Mongolia. Of course, Sarah Palin had to chime in, saying her favorite movie was 'Steel Mongolians.'" –Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda is not what it used to be. You can see they don't have the money anymore. Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden." –Jay Leno

"Officials still can't say what happened to $6.6 billion that was sent to Iraq for reconstruction. That's money we could have wasted and mismanaged right here at home." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”