I hope to become the new face of Scientology (That show doesn't have a prayer)

"Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology." –David Letterman

"When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope to become the new face of Scientology (Oh, and he was also deflating footballs)

"Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to

become the new face of Scientology." –David Letterman

"I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un

has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security

minister, nods off, falls asleep. We've all done it. Kim Jong Un

takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep.

Oh, and he was also deflating footballs." –David Letterman

"Dick "Kaboom" Cheney is publishing his memoirs. Cheney is a

wonderful fiction writer. Remember the stories he used to tell us

about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yeah, crazy, isn't it? He's been upgraded from hated to unpopular (I hope to become the new face of Scientology)

"Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology." –David Letterman

At the World Cup, Uruguay's Luis Suarez bit a player from Italy's team. It's the third time he's done it. The last time he bit a Chinese player and then claimed he was hungry an hour later.--Conan O'Brien

"Here's fascinating news. Dick Cheney, do you remember Dick Cheney? Dick 'Boom Boom' Cheney. His approval rating is up to 26%, up to 26%. Yeah, crazy, isn't it? He's been upgraded from hated to unpopular." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope to become the new face of Scientology (10-gallon yarmulke)

 

President George Bush is in Israel right now. But he doesn't really fit there. He showed up today wearing a 10-gallon yarmulke." --David Letterman

 

"And she was at the General Assembly, Sarah Palin was, and somebody said, 'Look, over there, that's the president of Georgia.' And she said, 'Wow, Jimmy Carter?' And then she said, 'Boy, I hope I get to meet Queen Latifa.'" --David Letterman

"Dick Cheney and his buddies go down there hunting in Texas, and Dick Cheney guns down a guy. And they're hunting quail, and the quail disappeared. They vanished. And reports now that they're hiding in the mountainous area near Pakistan." --David Letterman

"Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Some of the most prestigious asshole factories in America (Trump is already calling them a caravan)

Let's get right to the big story. Becky from Full House might go to jail for cheating her kids into college. I have shocking news for everyone here tonight. Rich people cheat and their kids are fucking stupid. 50 people have been charged in this massive scheme to bribe coaches and administration officials so their kids could get into elite colleges, and the schools involved we're talking about Yale, Stanford, Georgetown. Some of the most prestigious asshole factories in America. --Bill Maher

I thought celebrities would know better. You know if your kids too stupid to get into college you don't bribe and cheat. You put them in Scientology. --Bill Maher

Beto O’Rourke just announced his candidacy for president. That makes 15 democrats running. Trump is already calling them a caravan. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They raised a million dollars and converted him to Scientology (a reference to California's teachers)

“Arnold Schwarzenegger was only in the movie The Expendables for five minutes, but during that five minutes, he achieved more than in all his years as governor." –Craig Ferguson

"When Schwarzenegger heard the title 'The Expendables,' he thought it was in reference to California's teachers." –Craig Ferguson

"President Obama was in Hollywood for a star-studded fundraiser. They raised a million dollars and converted him to Scientology." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Now, many people are wondering whether a religion can also be a TV network (juice cleanse)

Earlier this week, the Church of Scientology premiered its very own television network, which will stream on various platforms. It’s like any other network, except every show is a cult hit. --James Corden

Now, many people are wondering whether a religion can also be a TV network, and then Fox News was like, “Ahem, ahem.” It’s what they do at Fox News all the time. --James Corden

If you’re unhappy at work, you should know about a new study that proves employees feel less resentful and improve the quality of their work if they’re allowed to — get this — stab voodoo dolls of their boss. During the study, employees stuck their voodoo dolls with pins, they burned them with candles, and pinched them with pliers. Or, if they really, really wanted to do some damage, they talked to the doll for 45 minutes about their juice cleanse. --James Corden

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

Bombing the s**t out of a country in order to help it? (Think how easy conquering Iraq would be next to a galaxy)

"To comply with the World Bank's conflict of interest policy, Wolfowitz had Riza transferred to the State Department, given a $60,000 raise, a promotion, and guaranteed positive performance reviews to avoid conflict of interest. What's next? Bombing the s**t out of a country in order to help it?"--Jon Stewart

"On the tube there I had the 'Live Desk with Martha McCallum' on Fox News. I was really impressed with her profile of Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Now, Romney has been under a lot of scrutiny due to his religion. Gallup poll found that 66% of Americans said they weren't ready for a Mormon president. But yesterday, Romney laid our fears to rest when Martha asked him to name his favorite novel [on screen: Romney answering L. Ron Hubbard's 'Battlefield Earth']. Battlefield Earth. We have nothing to worry about, folks. Romney's clearly not a Mormon. He's a Scientologist. And we all know they make excellent leaders [on screen: John Travolta's character saying while others were learning to spell, he was being trained to conquer galaxies]. Think how easy conquering Iraq would be next to a galaxy." --Stephen Colbert

A magisterial collection.

An emotional roller coaster.

Soon to be a cult classic.

A combination of Bukowski’s

Last Night On Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

they got fed up and just told him it got destroyed by the Death Star (galactic overlords)

"Earth is in trouble. A new study found that in Greenland, polar bears' genitals are shrinking due to industrial pollutants. This is what's happening and the Bush administration, of course, is denying the science. They're saying the reason the polar bear's package is smaller this year -- they just got out of the water." --Bill Maher

"A panel of scientists voted to kick Pluto out of the solar system. They tried to explain the science of this to President Bush, but then they got fed up and just told him it got destroyed by the Death Star." --Bill Maher

"Let's also begin tonight with quick updates on two men with that have more in common than you might think. Each is an outspoken defender of his religion. Each embroiled in heated negotiations. And each is tiny [on screen: Tom Cruise and Iranian Pres. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad]. The difference, of course, is only one denies the Holocaust ever happened. The other simply believes the galactic overlord Xenu flew humans to Earth in DC-8s and then hydrogen-bombed them into volcanoes. What's next for the two men? Well, Cruise will be soon heading up his own independent production company, while Ahmadinejad will soon have a nuclear weapon." --Jon Stewart

I hope to become the new face of Scientology

"I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.'" –David Letterman



"Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology." –David Letterman



"Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter." –David Letterman