That’s the amount of weed Willie Nelson scrapes out of his belly button (You release Gargog the Flesh-Manglers)

December 2022

“We are celebrating the release of the WNBA star Brittney Griner from Russian detention on Thursday morning in a prisoner swap. It’s a big win for freedom, big win for Joe Biden. Griner was detained in February and sentenced to nine years in prison after Russian airport security found vape cartridges with 0.7 grams of cannabis oil in her luggage. They gave her hard time for seven-tenths of one gram. That’s the amount of weed Willie Nelson scrapes out of his belly button.” —Stephen Colbert

“Griner will return to US soil in a one-for-one prisoner swap with the Russian arms dealer Viktor Bout, nicknamed the ‘Merchant of Death’. So to get a sports star who had less than one gram of weed, we handed over the Merchant of Death. This is how it always goes with Russian prisoner swaps. [with Russian accent] ‘OK, we give you back tourists who took unflattering photo of Red Square. You release Gargog the Flesh-Manglers.’” —Stephen Colbert

“Welcome home, Brittney. A lot of has changed. Don’t Google ‘Kanye Hitler’.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

but for some reason I just completely lost interest (That's 23 with the wind chill)

"A woman claiming to be Hitler's maid said that he pretended to adhere to a healthy diet but actually had an insatiable sweet tooth. I knew if we waited long enough, we'd eventually find some dirt on that guy." –Seth Meyers

"Spanish scientists say they have discovered the oldest reproduction of Jesus Christ. It's a selfie he took with Larry King." –Conan O’Brien

"Things are not going well with the Bush administration.  George Bush's approval rating is now 34 percent. 34. Unbelievable. That's 23 with the wind chill." --David Letterman

A new study came out that found the more porn a man watches, the less motivation he has. I was going to read more about the study, but for some reason I just completely lost interest. –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

That's the best thing since ripped up bread (Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable)

"Isn't it odd how history's greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer." –Craig Ferguson

"Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.'" –Craig Ferguson

"The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same." –Craig Ferguson

"Osama bin Laden kept a diary. Well that's very sweet, isn't it? Turns out his secret desire was to sneak into New York and catch a showing of 'Mamma Mia.' He briefly considered joining the cast of 'Two and a Half Men.'" –Craig Ferguson

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I knew if we waited long enough, we'd eventually find some dirt on that guy (staring contest)

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi raised over $15 million for Democrats in the first quarter of 2018. No word on how she raised the money, [shows photo of wide-eyed Pelosi] but I'm going to guess she won it in a staring contest. --Seth Meyers

"A woman claiming to be Hitler's maid said that he pretended to adhere to a healthy diet but actually had an insatiable sweet tooth. I knew if we waited long enough, we'd eventually find some dirt on that guy." –Seth Meyers

A new study found that one in four Americans said they would have sex with a robot at least once just to try it. Which might explain why your Roomba won't come out from under the couch. --Seth Meyers

 "The first presidential debate took place last night, and earlier in the week, Barack Obama said he would be at the debate whether John McCain showed up or not, marking the first time in history that a black man was more eager to go to Mississippi than a white one." -- Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I want those guys, they’re the best (Promise vs Reality)

At today’s Easter Egg Roll, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer read a book to children. Afterwards, all the kids had the same question: “Who’s Hitler?” –Conan O’Brien

President Trump has begun hiring more people from President George W. Bush’s administration. Trump specifically asked for the Iraq guy and the Katrina guy. “I want those guys, they’re the best.” –Conan O’Brien

Today at the White House Easter festivities, Melania Trump kicked things off by blowing a whistle. Then again, most women standing near Donald Trump end up having to blow a whistle. –Conan O’Brien

"This year's Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s a pretty simple recipe: bottle, kerosene, rag, explode to taste (Work the few employees you have to death)

February 2022

“The Swiss president said, ‘Russia’s attack cannot be accepted regarding international law, this cannot be accepted politically, and this cannot be accepted morally.’ And these are the people who gave Hitler a safe deposit box, so.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“They have frozen Russian assets and closed Swiss airspace, which is helpful. And now not only is Putin in hot water, he’s in hot chocolate too.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“So to recap, Russia has now lost the Taliban and the Swiss. The most and least violent people in the world are united against Russia right now.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Russia’s invasion of Ukraine is a humanitarian crisis, but also it is a triumph of humanity, because despite all of Russia’s military prowess, ordinary people of Ukraine will not back down or bow down. The Ukrainian defense ministry, for example, instructed citizens to make molotov cocktails and released instructions on how to do so. That’s great, but did they really need instructions on making molotov cocktails?” Colbert wondered. It’s a pretty simple recipe: bottle, kerosene, rag, explode to taste.” —Stephen Colbert

“This is like the Dalai Lama grabbin’ a buck knife and an AK and screaming, ‘Kill ’em all! Let the Buddha sort ’em out.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s never gonna date you, dude. Give it up! (Attaboy, Adolf. Sweet mustache.)

February 2022

“It takes a special kind of a son of a [expletive] to see innocent people fleeing their homes and think, ‘How can I make this about me?’ But nobody does that better than Donald Trump.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Can you imagine if any other president behaved this way? This would be like if during World War II, Hoover came out and said, ‘Attaboy, Adolf. Sweet mustache. I love what you’re doing there.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The former president told Fox News that the invasion ‘all happened because of a rigged election’ before proceeding into a typical rambling rant about immigration and inflation. Can you blame something real on something fake? That’s like blaming the chickenpox on the tooth fairy. It doesn’t make sense. Trump has continued to defend his ‘KGBFF’ Putin, which is embarrassing. He’s never gonna date you, dude. Give it up!” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

well, it would make a good golf course (De-nazify?)

February 2022

“In less than a day, Putin’s “special military operation” – an unprovoked attack on its neighbor – left Ukrainian cities in chaos, highways clogged with civilians fleeing west, subway stations turned into bomb shelters. And the Russian leader had a pretty lame excuse to justify it. In a propaganda-laden speech Thursday morning, Putin claimed the attack was intended to ‘de-nazify’ the Ukrainian government. De-nazify? That’s hard to do when you’re acting like de-Nazis.” –Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, Donald Trump has been out there pushing a pro-Putin agenda forever, and he was still out there last night in a speech at Mar-a-Gulago. On Wednesday evening, Trump addressed a fundraising dinner and praised Putin’s unilateral declaration that two eastern provinces of Ukraine were independent. ‘Listen, he’s taking over a country, really a vast, vast location,’ said Trump, ‘a great piece of land with a lot of people, and just walking right in.’ Everything is a real estate deal with this guy! It’s the biggest attack on a European country since World War II! When Hitler invaded Poland, FDR didn’t say ‘well, it would make a good golf course.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”