How do I trade him in for Eric? (What does he have that I don’t have?)

“I’ve never seen Trump this smitten before. This is a reminder: He doesn’t work with a single cool person. He is surrounded by so many charmless goons that the first time he got to hang out with someone who had a little charisma, he swooned like he was on a date with the varsity quarterback.” — Seth Meyers

“The whole meeting Trump was, like, ‘How do I trade him in for Eric?’” — Jimmy Kimmel

“When Mamdani was asked during a meeting in the Oval Office if he still believes President Trump is a fascist, Trump told Mamdani, ‘You could just say yes, it’s easier.’ Wait, so he can call you a fascist, but when I do it, you try to get my show canceled? What — what does he have that I don’t have? Youth? Charisma? Oh, both of those.” — Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

highly doable condition (noodle package)

No one was hurt, everyone’s fine, but over the weekend, Leonardo DiCaprio and his model girlfriend were in a fender bender. DiCaprio and his girlfriend are being listed in highly doable condition. –Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that the biggest currency in prison now is not cigarettes, but ramen. Just make sure to clarify the next time your cellmate asks to hold your noodle package. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

He was given a choice of having it done surgically or by marrying Meghan Markle (How fascism starts)

70,000 Cambodian monks have nominated Trump for the Nobel Peace Prize, but the White House asserts this has nothing to do with the newly opened Trump monastery in Cambodia. —Greg Gutfeld

A serial pedophile in Louisiana has agreed to be castrated as part of a plea deal. He was given a choice of having it done surgically or by marrying Meghan Markle. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or as I call it, best episode of Maury Povich EVER (Cool, at least they think we do something)

"Osama bin Laden was killed by Navy Seals yesterday. They did DNA testing to make sure it was Bin Laden. Or as I call it, best episode of Maury Povich EVER." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, 'Cool, at least they think we do something.'" –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I hope to become the new face of Scientology (That show doesn't have a prayer)

"Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology." –David Letterman

"When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other half said, 'That show doesn't have a prayer.'" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Staring at a ghost only you can see (More Sleep Plan)

I cannot make sense of President Biden’s debate performance. What was he trying to say? Were his notes just loaded up with Mad Libs? Who was the debate coach who said ‘and remember, nothing projects strength like having your mouth a little bit open while you stare at a ghost only you can see.’ —Seth Meyers  

But regardless of one’s personal feelings on Biden’s candidacy, it’s worth noting that this conversation is even happening at all. Biden had a bad debate performance, and Democrats are having a vigorous back and forth over whether he should stay in. Donald Trump fomented a violent coup attempt and was convicted of 34 felony counts, and not only did every Republican immediately fall in line, they showed up at the courthouse in matching suits like they were flight attendants for Maga Airlines. —Seth Meyers      

President Biden’s interview with ABC News, in which he assured: “As long as I give it my all and I do the goodest job I can do, that’s what this is about.” That’s not what this is about! Giving it your all is what salsa lessons at a retirement home is all about. This isn’t about how you feel; this is about how voters feel. If you truly believe American democracy is at stake – and it is – then you have to act like it. You can’t claim to be the last bulwark against fascism, and also have a ‘more sleep’ plan. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I never thought I'd be this eager to put my pants on (I don't have that kind of range)

According to the latest poll California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s approval rating is down to 30%. After hearing this Arnold said I'm not gonna act all hurt and upset because I don't have that kind of range. --Conan O’Brien 11/10/2005

President Clinton is expected to be released from the hospital and he'll be allowed to go home. Clinton was excited about it and said I never thought I'd be this eager to put my pants on. --Conan O’Brien 9/10/2004

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Don't Look, Don't Aim (the lesser of 2 dangers)

"Ladies and gentlemen, President Obama wants to put an end to the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy in the military not to be confused with Dick Cheney's policy, 'Don't Look, Don't Aim.'" --David Letterman

“People are saying Donald Trump is going to run for governor of New York. I don't know. It could just be a rumor. All I know is earlier today Donald demanded to see his own birth certificate.” –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason (population control experts)

A Florida man who accidentally fired a gun in a strip club restroom while trying to take a selfie has been sent to prison. The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason. –Conan O’Brien

"Former Vice President Dick Cheney is working on his memoirs. People say when the book comes out President Bush is not going to be happy. Not because the book is critical of Bush, but because it's one of those books that's all words." --Conan O'Brien

In his press conference, President Trump referred to the neo-Nazis as "history buffs." Then he referred to serial killers as "population control experts." –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

You do everything I say and I won’t feed you to a boa constrictor (I like to think of them as the world's newest oldlyweds)

In England, the world's oldest bride and groom tied the knot. She's 91, he's 103. Men are unbelievable. He couldn't find someone his own age? They're the world's oldest newlyweds, but I like to think of them as the world's newest oldlyweds. –Jimmy Kimmel

"As weird as it sounds, that tie might be the biggest win in U.S. soccer history. The U.S. will advance to the next round with a win or a tie against Germany, or if Ghana and Portugal tie on Thursday, or if the goal differential, which is the total of points, falls in our favor, or if any one of the other teams gets malaria." –Jimmy Kimmel

Dennis Rodman is in the middle of what is planned to be a four-day trip in North Korea and he brought gifts on this trip for his BFF Kim Jong Un. He brought a variety of soaps wrapped in cellophane. He brought a mermaid jigsaw puzzle. Two nondescript number 91 jerseys. This is like a sad yard sale or terrible flea market. And Rodman brought two books, “Where’s Waldo?” and “The Art of the Deal.” I love that he brought Kim Jong Un “The Art of the Deal” — as if he needs help negotiating. Negotiating with Kim Jong Un goes like this: You do everything I say and I won’t feed you to a boa constrictor. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We totally caught ourselves by surprise (Give me back my glove!)

“So all the bad stuff they’ve been saying President Trump didn’t do, now they’re saying he did it and he does it all the time? The defense has gone from ‘If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit’ to ‘Give me back my glove!’” --Jimmy Kimmel

“But meanwhile, this U.S. exit from Syria was so sudden and hasty, we actually had to bomb one of our own bases to destroy the ammunition that was left behind. Thanks to our genius commander in chief, the U.S. military is now bombing itself. And it was a success, too. We totally caught ourselves by surprise.” --Jimmy Kimmel

"Vladimir Putin said that when Americans claim to be exceptional it offends other countries. This from a man who arrests his political opponents, persecutes people based on sexual orientation, and put a girl band in a labor camp for singing songs he didn't like. We don't think we are better than everyone else. We just think we are better than him, specifically." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And you know that is how we do stuff. We launch the attack then we look for the evidence. (we will be greeted as liberators)

"Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying

to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one

president too late." –David Letterman

"North Korea is getting a new evil dictator. Kim Jong Il is appointing his dim-witted son, Kim Jong W. Il." –David Letterman

"NASA is going to launch a rocket to the moon on Friday. They're going to shoot a rocket to the moon. Just going to -- kaboom, kaboom! The government says don't worry, that they're pretty certain we will be greeted as liberators." --David Letterman

"We're bombing the moon. We're attacking the moon. And we hope to find out if there's water. And you know that is how we do stuff. We launch the attack then we look for the evidence." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So this is how fascism dies (Between a dildo shop and a crematorium)

"A former Navy SEAL has a book out that claims Osama bin Laden was unarmed when he was shot. The book is called 'Who Cares, He's Dead.'" –Conan O'Brien

"This is weird. A new book that is coming out claims that Osama bin laden is a huge Whitney Houston fan. Experts say that helps explain why bin Laden's latest video repeatedly calls for 'death to Bobby Brown.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Next Tuesday -- a lot of people are talking about this -- President Obama plans to make a televised speech to the nation's students during school hours. Many Republicans are planning to keep their kids home from school in protest. As a result, those kids have voted Obama 'Best President Ever.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Does this rag smell of chloroform to you? (Dear Lord, what was all that about?)

I just don't understand it why would you become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance you might get 72 virgins when you die. Become a Catholic priest and have them now. --Jimmy Carr

My favorite thing about natural disasters, and I know it's wrong to have a list. Certainly getting it laminated was a mistake. But my favorite thing about natural disasters is they call them Acts of God. And then two days later they have a Day of Prayer. So a Day of Prayer for an Act of God. How does that prayer go? “Dear Lord, what was all that about?”  --Jimmy Carr

One of the best pick-up lines is to ask a woman, “Does this rag smell of chloroform to you?” --Jimmy Carr

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

someone else sold a book on that subject and it sold quite well (And the answer is always no)

February 2014

"Two former members of the Russian punk band Pussy Riot were detained by police in Sochi. If found guilty, they could be sentenced to two weeks in a Sochi hotel room." –Conan O'Brien

"It's been reported in the news that President Obama asked HBO for copies of the upcoming season of 'Game of Thrones.' You know things are bad in this country when even the White House can't afford HBO." –Conan O'Brien

"Making his first visit to our show tonight is Bill O'Reilly. Bill is here to promote his book 'Killing Jesus.' I'm going to have to tell him someone else sold a book on that subject and it sold quite well." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"Are you watching the Olympics? Whenever I'm watching one of these weird events, I ask myself if this wasn't in the Olympics, would I still be watching it? And the answer is always no." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The one-man luge makes sense because it's just a guy on a sled and whoever goes the fastest wins. But what doesn't make sense is the two-man luge. There's only room for one man on the luge. The other guy has to lay on top of him. It's a bunk bed but without the second bed." –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”