It was so hard staying alive, staying alive (such a powerful, strong fly)

“You know, Donald Trump talks about cabin fever like it’s an actual illness. [as Trump] This cabin fever, worse than any disease we’ve ever had, even worse than the disease from the ’70s, disco fever. It was so hard staying alive, staying alive.” — Trevor Noah

“But the highlight was, of course, the fly which landed on Pence’s head and lit up social media. What was crazy was how long it sat there for. The fly perched on his head for over two minutes without Pence noticing. Even Trump was watching at home like, ‘Wow, two minutes with Mike Pence, I could never do that. We’ve got to get that fly to White House – such a powerful, strong fly.’” —Trevor Noah

At a shutdown protest at the Michigan Capital Building, two white female protesters badgered police officers and white men with rifles prowled the statehouse. Now, I’m sure a lot of these people probably saw this video and said to themselves, ‘man, if black people were holding guns and shouting at the police, that protest would end badly.’ But guys, please, that’s not true – the protest wouldn’t have ended badly. There wouldn’t have been a protest, because all the black people would’ve been pulled over on the way there.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's like trying to sell a house that is currently on fire (a monster truck rally on cocaine)

“Wednesday’s vice-presidential debate bore the marks of a pandemic now tearing through the White House, with two plexiglass barriers separating the candidates on stage. But once you got past the whole plague thing, the debate itself was actually pretty normal. It was kind of like a throwback to what campaigns used to be like, before Donald Trump arrived on the scene and turned every political event into a monster truck rally on cocaine.” —Trevor Noah

“For those keeping score, Trump paid $750 in taxes and $130,000 to a porn star, which means if the I.R.S. wants to get money from Trump, you guys know what you got to do.” —Trevor Noah

“While Kamala Harris avoided answering a question about expanding the supreme court, Pence dodged questions all evening like they were a PG-13 movie. To be fair, defending Donald Trump is like trying to sell a house that is currently on fire.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So what is their job now? (Can someone please order him a conscience?)

“There was another outrageous Supreme Court ruling this week: the 6-3 decision in West Virginia v EPA, which limits the Environmental Protection Agency’s power to regulate emissions from fossil fuel-fired power plants. The Supreme Court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency does not have the authority to protect the environment…? So what is their job now? Just to look at the environment and be like ‘oh shit’?” —Trevor Noah

“Are NBA players supposed to just shut up and dribble or literally fix racism all by themselves? Either way, it feels like America relies way too much on the athletes to do everything. They’re supposed to play basketball, fix racism, sell cereal and date all the Kardashians?” — Trevor Noah

“Meanwhile, as coronavirus tanks the economy, Amazon has asked the public to donate to a relief fund for its workers. Yeah, the richest company in the world, owned by the richest man in the world, is asking us for money. Which, let’s be honest, is some bullshit. Can someone please order Jeff Bezos a conscience? With Prime, it can arrive within two days.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ll pay taxes over my dead body (they're complicit)

“You have to marvel at the pettiness of Donald Trump, who last month had his ex-wife Ivana Trump buried near the first hole of Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, New Jersey, probably for a tax break. The strange burial site would exempt the golf course from New Jersey’s tax code, which does not tax land used as a cemetery. Wow. A lot of people say, ‘I’ll pay taxes over my dead body,’ but Trump means it. Over someone else’s body.” —Trevor Noah

“There was another outrageous supreme court ruling this week: the 6-3 decision in West Virginia v EPA, which limits the Environmental Protection Agency’s power to regulate emissions from fossil fuel-fired power plants. The supreme court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency does not have the authority to protect the environment…? So what is their job now? Just to look at the environment and be like ‘oh shit’?” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s not about the size of the impeachment, it’s about the friction of the conviction (LeBron should be sponsored by Kingsford lighter fluid)

“The good news for Donald Trump is that he’s only facing two charges. Although in a way, that’s also kinda sad for him, since Nixon had three articles brought against him (he resigned before they were passed), Bill Clinton had four, and Andrew Johnson had 11, which means Trump will have the smallest impeachment of all time. You know that’s going to make him insecure – he’s gonna be like, ‘It’s not about the size of the impeachment, it’s about the friction of the conviction.’” --Trevor Noah

“Yes, LeBron James is getting a lot of heat for not taking a stand against China and their oppression, with people even burning his jersey in Hong Kong. Which, by the way, if the N.B.A. kept statistics of most jerseys burned, I think LeBron would dominate that, too. Yeah, yeah, Hong Kong burned his jersey, Cleveland burned his jersey, Miami burned his jersey. Like, forget Nike: LeBron should be sponsored by Kingsford lighter fluid.” --Trevor Noah, The Daily Show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don’t know what the rules are anymore (Ain’t nobody got time for that)

“And you know, normally, I would agree that NBA players shouldn’t have to know the intricacies of East Asia policy, but at the same time, Dennis Rodman is basically the U.S. ambassador to North Korea, so I don’t know what the rules are anymore.” --Trevor Noah

“Yes, LeBron James is getting a lot of heat for not taking a stand against China and their oppression, with people even burning his jersey in Hong Kong. Which, by the way, if the N.B.A. kept statistics of most jerseys burned, I think LeBron would dominate that, too. Yeah, yeah, Hong Kong burned his jersey, Cleveland burned his jersey, Miami burned his jersey. Like, forget Nike: LeBron should be sponsored by Kingsford lighter fluid.” --Trevor Noah, The Daily Show

“It really seems like there’s nothing Trump wouldn’t do to profit off the presidency. Like, I bet you he’s going to be outside his own impeachment trial just scalping tickets.” --Trevor Noah

“This might be the true genius of Donald Trump. Because you realize, with one scandal, you get kicked out of office. But with seven in one day? Ain’t nobody got time for that.” --Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word (It’s that and eating baby birds right out of the nest)

“I don’t think anyone is surprised that Senate Republicans said one thing when Obama was president, and another thing when it’s Trump. You can’t even call them inconsistent. Doing whatever it takes to get his way is the one consistent principle that Mitch McConnell lives by. It’s that and eating baby birds right out of the nest.” —Trevor Noah

“News of the economy is really hurting Trump’s popularity. A new poll that was just released said Trump’s disapproval rate is at 56 percent. And now I’m really worried. Now I’m really worried Trump might not fix the economy, because he just says, ‘What do the other 56 percent think?’” --Trevor Noah

"Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word." –John Oliver

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

It's like trying to sell a house that is currently on fire (such a powerful, strong fly)

“But the highlight was, of course, the fly which landed on Mike Pence’s head and lit up social media. What was crazy was how long it sat there for. The fly perched on his head for over two minutes without Pence noticing. Even Trump was watching at home like, ‘Wow, two minutes with Mike Pence, I could never do that. We’ve got to get that fly to White House – such a powerful, strong fly.’” —Trevor Noah

“And now at least 30 people in Trump’s circle have tested positive for Covid-19. You realize that means there’s been more infections at the White House over the last day than in New Zealand, Vietnam, Taiwan, Thailand and Australia combined. The White House Rose Garden is like the wet market of America right now.” —Trevor Noah

“While Kamala Harris avoided answering a question about expanding the supreme court, Pence dodged questions all evening like they were a PG-13 movie. To be fair, defending Donald Trump is like trying to sell a house that is currently on fire.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you didn’t chip in, you don’t get to put your name on the card (you guys know what you got to do)

“Hold on, hold on — the president of the country almost never pays taxes? And when he does, he only pays $750? Yo, that [expletive] pisses me off. Because Trump is always out there like, ‘We’re building back our military.’ We? No, mother [expletive]. We’re building back the military — you didn’t pay for [expletive]. If you didn’t chip in, you don’t get to put your name on the card.” —Trevor Noah

“For those keeping score, Trump paid $750 in taxes and $130,000 to a porn star, which means if the I.R.S. wants to get money from Trump, you guys know what you got to do.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

How much will you guys give me for the Grand Canyon? (How dare Trump pull out of a war!)

“But just take a second to think about what all this means. If Donald Trump does win a second term, his creditors will come asking for their $400 million while he is still president, and I don’t know about you, but that has me worried, because I don’t want the president’s decisions for the country getting influenced by his deep financial troubles. And also because there’s a good chance that Trump is going to pay off his debt by selling off American treasures. [imitating Trump] ‘How much will you guys give me for the Grand Canyon?’” —Trevor Noah

“But what this Times story exposes isn’t just that Trump is bad at paying taxes. It’s that he’s even worse at business. The New York Times investigation laid bare Trump’s flailing business empire, in which his core operations – golf courses and name-brand hotels – reported millions or tens of millions in losses year after year. In 2018 alone, Trump businesses reported $47.4 Million in losses. And Trump personally owes a debt of $421 Million – one that could come due during his second term in office if he’s re-elected. Can I just say, if you decided to lend $420 Million to Donald Trump, that’s on you. I hope he doesn’t pay you back, because you are the one person on earth worse with money than he is.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

So what is their job now? (And so are you)

“There was another outrageous supreme court ruling this week: the 6-3 decision in West Virginia v EPA, which limits the Environmental Protection Agency’s power to regulate emissions from fossil fuel-fired power plants. The supreme court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency does not have the authority to protect the environment…? So what is their job now? Just to look at the environment and be like ‘oh shit’?” —Trevor Noah

“I know many people around the country feel infuriated, depressed and like there’s no hope. But there is, there really is. There are grassroots organizations already doing the work on the ground in need of donations and volunteers. And as for the Democrats in power, there is something you can actually do. I have even written a poem addressed to Democratic lawmakers: Roses are red / Violets are blue / The people voted, so how about doing your fucking job passing laws to codify contraception, marriage equality and all the other rights the supreme court has basically threatened to take away / And so are you.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Meanwhile, he’s apparently letting this pool boy check his wife’s chlorination levels (Aced it!)

“You have to marvel at the pettiness of Donald Trump, who last month had his ex-wife Ivana Trump buried near the first hole of Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, New Jersey, probably for a tax break. The strange burial site would exempt the golf course from New Jersey’s tax code, which does not tax land used as a cemetery. Wow. A lot of people say, ‘I’ll pay taxes over my dead body,’ but Trump means it. Over someone else’s body.” —Trevor Noah

“One of President Trump’s biggest evangelical supporters, Jerry Falwell Jr., resigned as president of Liberty University after a former pool attendant said he’d frequently had sex with Falwell’s wife while he looked on. Let’s start off with this: What consensual adults do in their sex life is up to them, and I don’t judge anybody for anything. You do whatever tickles your exposed fly. But Falwell has made it his business to judge what everyone else is doing with their sex lives. He speaks out against gay relationships, and until just five years ago, students at his university weren’t allowed to do anything beyond holding hands or even watch R-rated movies. Meanwhile, he’s apparently letting this pool boy check his wife’s chlorination levels.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think we’re getting pulled over by that building! (not while you’re doing 90 on the freeway)

“Last night, the Empire State Building lit up like a siren to honor the medical workers serving on the front line of the epidemic. This might be a good idea when they first pitched it, but as someone who lives in New York, it was terrifying. The Empire State Building, the giant light flashing around — and can you imagine if someone was high in their living room? They must have freaked out. ‘[Expletive], dude! I think we’re getting pulled over by that building!’” — Trevor Noah

“Donald Trump for the first time at least sounds like he’s afraid of this virus. And if he’s taking it seriously, then we should be really scared. Because I mean, this guy takes nothing seriously. This is the same dude who stared at an eclipse like it was a magic eye painting. The same dude who sang Hakuna Matata when he assassinated an Iranian general. The same dude who responded to a hurricane with a paper towel three-point contest. So this is a side of Donald Trump we don’t often get. I haven’t seen Trump this somber since Maury told him that he was Eric’s father.” —Trevor Noah

“And even if you don’t think the World Health Organization is perfect, in the middle of the pandemic — is not a good time to cut funding from a group that is an integral part of fighting coronavirus. Yes, the organization is not perfect, but this is not the time to cut them off. It’s the same reason you don’t give your Uber driver one star during the ride. You do that [expletive] after you are safe at home, not while you’re doing 90 on the freeway.” — Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Justice is what love looks like in public (I feel like now Canada is just rubbing it in)

“President Trump has insisted that his name go on the stimulus checks. Now that the check has Trump’s name on it, the bank will probably decline it out of habit.” —Trevor Noah

“[As Michael Bloomberg] That’s right. We spent half a billion dollars to absolutely eat [expletive]. They said it couldn’t be done but we did it.” —Trevor Noah

“The unemployment system is built on technology that is one degree above Amish, unlike that in Canada where residents have received more money faster and in some cases, too much money. I feel like now Canada is just rubbing it in.” —Trevor Noah

“No one is blaming Trump for the coronavirus — people just don’t want him ignoring it like it will just go away. This is a global pandemic, not his son Eric.” — Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

All of Trump’s best relationships are with people who are half his age and don’t speak English (so in a certain way, I feel like I saved $500 million)

I’m surprised the summit talks broke down in Vietnam. I thought Kim Jong UN and Trump had a good relationship. Even Trump said that he and Kim “Fell in Love.” I know that sounds weird but when you think about it, Kim Jong Un is totally Donald Trump's type. All of Trump’s best relationships are with people who are half his age and don’t speak English. --Trevor Noah

“Honestly, these murder hornets just sound like psychos. They cut off the heads of bees and they mash up the thorax into a meatball and fly it back to feed their larvae. I thought only Rudy Giuliani fed his family that way.” —Trevor Noah

“I’m not going to lie — I still can’t believe Mike Bloomberg spent $500 million to not be president. Now, like, I’m also not going to be the president, but I spent nothing. No, so in a certain way, I feel like I saved $500 million, yeah?” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Watching it in reruns is like watching paint dry through a PowerPoint presentation (A scientist? Ew, gross. I’d rather meet Eric)

“That’s right. Trump has never heard of the guy in charge of finding a vaccine. And you know what? To be honest, part of me is not surprised. [imitating Trump aide] ‘Sir, would you like to meet the scientist who is in charge of finding a vaccine?” [imitating Trump] A scientist? Ew, gross. I’d rather meet Eric.’” — Trevor Noah

“I don’t understand how Trump has never heard of the person in charge of finding the vaccine to the disease that has shut down the entire world — and don’t tell me it’s because he’s too busy. I mean, this is the same man — the same man who says he’s been watching every nightly news show plus CNN, MSNBC in the morning, Fox News on weekend afternoons, and even reruns of baseball. Reruns! Let me tell you something: If you have time to watch reruns of baseball, you have time for anything. Baseball is boring when it’s happening. Watching it in reruns is like watching paint dry through a PowerPoint presentation.” — Trevor Noah

Michael Cohen told Congress that President Trump is a racist, a conman and a cheat. Which would have been big news if it wasn't also the slogan for Trump's 2020 campaign. “Racist, Conman, Cheat.” --Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Answering the question: what would happen if meth smoked itself? (He was two seconds away from pretending he doesn’t speak English)

“The only story that everybody’s talking about right now is Tiger King, the new Netflix series that’s somehow even more viral than Covid-19. The five-hour docu-series taking over conversations across America is the most fascinating show you’ve ever seen. It exposes the sordid and loopy world of exotic animal breeding in America, while also answering the question: what would happen if meth smoked itself?” —Trevor Noah

“Now, these protests have clearly been infused with far-right ideology. Many demonstrators wore MAGA hats, they held up anti-Semitic signs and in Michigan, they even waved Confederate flags, a clear symbol of Michigan’s proud Southern heritage.” — Trevor Noah

“At his press conference Trump played footage from Monday’s press conference but he refused to address what was achieved in February. It was a masterclass in dodging the question. He was two seconds away from pretending he doesn’t speak English.” —Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was so hard staying alive, staying alive (Eh, it’s up to you)

“And even more chaos: after Dr. Robert Redfield, director of the CDC, warned the Washington Post that next winter could see an even worse second wave of coronavirus combined with flu season, Trump panicked, called the claim ‘misquoted’ and brought Redfield on stage to clarify. Redfield’s ‘correction’: ‘I didn’t say that this was going to be worse…I said it was going to be more difficult and potentially complicated.’ Ah, OK, so … it’s not going to get worse, it’s just going to be more difficult and complicated. If only there was one word that could summarize that general feeling …” —Trevor Noah

“Some people are ignoring the risks altogether. I’m sorry, that’s insane – you don’t just get to decide what you think about a disease. No one is in the doctor’s office like ‘Doctor, be honest, is it bad?’ and the doctor’s like, ‘Eh, it’s up to you.’” —Trevor Noah

“You know, Trump talks about cabin fever like it’s an actual illness. [as Trump] This cabin fever, worse than any disease we’ve ever had, even worse than the disease from the ’70s, disco fever. It was so hard staying alive, staying alive.” — Trevor Noah

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”