Which is part of a bigger experiment of what happens when you give scientists LSD (It’s Finger Losin’ Good!)

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has declared a state of emergency in preparation for Hurricane Joaquin. And Donald Trump declared a state of emergency as soon as he heard the name “Joaquin.” –Seth Meyers

A processing company that supplies chicken to KFC was fined this week after an employee lost two fingertips while on the job. Which explains their new slogan, “It’s Finger Losin’ Good!” –Seth Meyers

A team of scientists recently completed an experiment studying the effects of the drug MDMA on octopuses. Which is part of a bigger experiment of what happens when you give scientists LSD. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And, yes, the irony was lost on both of them (he didn’t resort to violins)

A cellist in Oregon was arrested after police found over 100 pounds of marijuana in his car trunk. Thankfully, when they pulled him over, he didn’t resort to violins. --Seth Meyers

"Dick Cheney presented Donald Rumsfeld with a Defender of the Constitution Award. And, yes, the irony was lost on both of them." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top all-time recipients of insurance money (I get the feeling that maybe she's been burned by a guy before)

"Yesterday Senator Hillary Clinton went after Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, really went after him. She said he had a bad track record, and she asked him why she should trust him. I get the feeling that maybe she's been burned by a guy before." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton said today that she hopes America is ready for a woman in the Oval Office. See, that was the great thing about her husband, Bill. He was always ready for a woman in the Oval Office." --Jay Leno

 

"And it is pretty scary, Bush's economy, don't you think? Doesn't it make you yearn for the good old days when we were just worried about oil hitting 150 bucks a barrel? Remember those days? It was such an innocent time." --Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Clinton bloggers are protesting what they feel is an abusively pro-Obama environment (Loose Lips Sink Bush's Approval Ratings)

 

"We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement his brilliant plan [on screen: Operation 'Greet Us As Liberators']. It was so simple: Go in with 100,000 troops, topple the regime, everybody loves us, and we leave by Easter 2003. These ex-military men have their right to their opinions, that's fine. They just shouldn't voice them during a war [on screen: 'Loose Lips Sink Bush's Approval Ratings']" --Stephen Colbert

"But there is some good news, nation. The Democrats are killing themselves. This week, on the liberal website Daily Kos, a civil war has broken out. Clinton bloggers are protesting what they feel is an abusively pro-Obama environment. Apparently, they were getting the crap hoped out of them. I read all 1,258 angry comments. Folks, I love when Democrats spend all their time in anonymous Internet feuds, anything to keep them off the 'Casual Encounters' section on Craigslist. Meanwhile, Barack Obama was on the defensive over his ties to controversial Reverend Jeremiah Wright. Yesterday, he responded with a speech on race. Press reaction to the speech was mixed. The New York Times compared it to addresses by Lincoln, FDR and Kennedy, and called it 'powerful' and 'frank.' While the Los Angeles Times compared it to speeches by Lincoln, FDR and Kennedy, but called it 'remarkable' and 'historic.' Oh, but every time I give a speech about how angry black people are, they call me a racist." --Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

a confused old person yelling at something that doesn't exist (And with his Medicare plan, they won't be)

"Ann Romney was telling details of their personal life. She said that when she and Mitt were young, 'He was nice to my parents, but really glad when my parents weren't around.' And with his Medicare plan, they won't be." –Bill Maher

"If your party can run the nation for eight years, and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove or Tom DeLay, you’re not a political movement. You’re the witness protection program." –Bill Maher

"Clint Eastwood came out at the Republican convention and did ten minutes of wingnut improv. It was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican party -- a confused old person yelling at something that doesn't exist." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

They also apologized for airing footage of Ted Cruz, period. (Well, at least THEY do stuff together)

President Trump said this afternoon that he will adopt a "war-like posture" if House Democrats move to investigate him personally. That's right. He's going to develop bone spurs in his feet. --Seth Meyers

MSNBC apologized last night for airing footage of Democratic Senate candidate Beto O'Rourke cursing. They also apologized for airing footage of Ted Cruz, period. --Seth Meyers

According to NBC News, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has gathered enough evidence to charge former national security adviser Michael Flynn and his son as part of the Russia investigation. “Well, at least THEY do stuff together,” yelled Eric. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Jeb Bush has hired her to teach him how to act like he's enjoying something (And, yes, the irony was lost on both of them)

The Ted Cruz campaign has pulled a new ad after it was revealed that the actress in it has appeared in soft-core porn; and now Jeb has hired her to teach him how to act like he's enjoying something. –Seth Meyers

"Dick Cheney presented Donald Rumsfeld with a Defender of the Constitution Award. And, yes, the irony was lost on both of them." –Seth Meyers

And finally, a bear in California was caught on camera breaking into a man's home and raiding his refrigerator. But the man is single, so the bear didn't get much. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Pyramid of the Capitalist System (he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains)

"This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains." --Tina Fey

"Osama bin Laden released his first new audio taped message in over a year. While there is some new material in the message, insiders say it's mostly a Greatest Threats collection. A White House spokesman says they plan to check out the message in its entirety, but they're too busy listening to your phone calls." --Tina Fey

"Prime Minister Tony Blair admitted during an interview this week that he has smacked his children, though only because he believed reports that they were carrying weapons of mass destruction." --Tina Fey

 

"While speaking in Atlanta on Thursday, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was repeatedly interrupted by angry protesters, with one woman shouting, 'This man needs to be imprisoned for war crimes.' What makes it worse is that he was speaking at a Rumsfeld family reunion." --Tina Fey

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You’re the witness protection program (a confused old person yelling at something that doesn't exist)

"Ann Romney was telling details of their personal life. She said that when she and Mitt were young, 'He was nice to my parents, but really glad when my parents weren't around.' And with his Medicare plan, they won't be." –Bill Maher

"If your party can run the nation for eight years, and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove or Tom DeLay, you’re not a political movement. You’re the witness protection program." –Bill Maher

"Ann Romney was appealing to women for the women's vote, and she said she was living proof that if you work hard and apply yourself, there is nothing you can't marry." –Bill Maher

"Clint Eastwood came out at the Republican convention and did ten minutes of wingnut improv. It was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican party -- a confused old person yelling at something that doesn't exist." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Otherwise we might have retaliated against the wrong country (There are no winners)

Layoff Donald Rumsfeld. In his 911 momentos, Donald Rumsfeld has a piece of the airplane that hit the Pentagon. Like you've never took anything from work. But he kept it for a good reason, to remind himself of who did this to us. Otherwise we might have retaliated against the wrong country. --Bill Maher

Stop over-regulating the porn industry. The Canadian government is seriously enforcing the law that says at least 35% of porn shown in Canada must be Canadian made. And you know it’s hard to make Canadian porn because every time they try and take their shirts off a hockey fight breaks out. --Bill Maher

Google stop calling disasters with a single survivor a miracle. When a hundred and three people die but one lives that's not a miracle. That's God blowing a no-hitter in the bottom of the ninth. --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He said each decision had three options -- rock, paper and scissors (It's only a matter of time)

 

"You know what's amazing about Los Angeles? This city never fails to amaze me. Last week, Governor Schwarzenegger was in town. All the Republican candidates were here. All the Democratic candidates were here. All with secret service protection. And all put together, they still had less of a motorcade than Britney Spears going to the hospital." --Jay Leno

 

"Sarah Palin hasn't yet received an invitation to the Republican Convention. I don't think she should feel bad. A lot of Republicans aren't excited that Mitt Romney is going." –Jay Leno

"Donald Rumsfeld was in Vietnam this week. President Bush was supposed to go, but his dad got him out of it." --Jay Leno

"Former President George W. Bush is now writing a book about the 12 toughest decisions that he had to make as president. He said each decision had three options -- rock, paper and scissors." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What makes it worse is that he was speaking at a Rumsfeld family reunion (The only difference...)

"President Bush and the Indian prime minister agreed Thursday on a landmark nuclear energy agreement in which the U.S. would share its nuclear know-how and fuel with India. And, in exchange, India would take all our jobs."--Tina Fey

"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." –Tina Fey

"While speaking in Atlanta on Thursday, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was repeatedly interrupted by angry protesters, with one woman shouting, 'This man needs to be imprisoned for war crimes.' What makes it worse is that he was speaking at a Rumsfeld family reunion." --Tina Fey

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It's kind of like the Bush White House, but with more oil (We call this freedom)

"During a Pentagon briefing, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said we're making progress and we're very close to capturing some high ranking officials. Unfortunately they are all retired U.S. generals." --Jay Leno

"The latest in Iraq: the government has ceased to function. It's kind of like the Bush White House, but with more oil." --Jay Leno

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is back at work after a motorcycle accident. He had to have 15 stitches in his left upper lip. The whole left side of his mouth was numb. Which is tough for a politician, to only being able to speak out of one side on your mouth." --Jay Leno

"This year, the immigration and naturalization service has raised their fee to become a U.S. citizen. How much do you think it costs to become a U.S. citizen? It's about $700. It now costs $700 to become a U.S. citizen. In fact, you know how much immigration and naturalization expects to make this year on people becoming U.S. citizens? Over $1,400." --Jay Leno

"I think Hillary is getting a little too sensitive. Like when they asked her about the surge, she said she didn't want to talk about Barack's poll numbers." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Man, that's not a good sign when you're sending guys to the men's room to raise money (Thanks for playing, though)

"But not all the generals are against him. He still has the support of a lot of generals: General Electric, General Dynamics, General Motors." --Jay Leno, on generals calling for Donald Rumsfeld's resignation

"What is it with Republicans and weird sex? If it's not young boys, it's diapers, or some other strange fetish. Why can't they just have sex under a desk with an intern like a normal person." --Jay Leno

"And listen to this, here's another bizarre one. A member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the officer for $20. How broke is the McCain campaign? I knew they needed money, I had no idea. Man, that's not a good sign when you're sending guys to the men's room to raise money." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in Congress are now demanding that President Bush investigate whether the oil companies are engaged in price gouging. Putting the White House in charge of investigating oil companies. That's like putting Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

President Bush called India -- not to congratulate her, he had some questions about his computer (Definition of Sin)

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday. The surprise is that he's still the secretary of defense, I guess." --Jay Leno

"India, on Saturday, elected their very first female president. And today, President Bush called India -- not to congratulate her, he had some questions about his computer." --Jay Leno

"In Orange County, President Bush was talking about immigration. Bush said that massive deportation is unrealistic. He said you can't just move 12 million people to another country. I don't know, Mexico did it." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in Congress are demanding that President Bush investigate whether oil companies are now gouging consumers on these gas prices. That's a good idea, Republicans asking Republicans to investigate other Republicans. And you know who they're going to blame? The Democrats." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

But to be fair, it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day (Fake nudes!)

Law experts are saying that some of the language in adult film star Stormy Daniels' nondisclosure agreement suggests that she may have some lurid photos that were taken during their sexual encounters. Said Trump, "Fake nudes!" --Seth Meyers

"Dick Cheney presented Donald Rumsfeld with a Defender of the Constitution Award. And, yes, the irony was lost on both of them." –Seth Meyers

Florida firefighters yesterday rescued a man who was trapped inside a garbage truck. “Thank you!” yelled Steve Bannon. –Seth Meyers

The latest polls show President Trump has an approval rating in the low 40s, which means he’s probably about to dump it for one in the low 20s. –Seth Meyers

A matador in Spain is under investigation after a video surfaced of him bullfighting while holding his 5-month-old baby girl in his arms. But to be fair, it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The surprise is that he's still the secretary of defense (Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants)

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise visit

to Iraq yesterday. The surprise is that he's still the secretary

of defense, I guess." --Jay Leno

"In Orange County, President Bush was talking about

immigration. Bush said that massive deportation is

unrealistic. He said you can't just move 12 million

people to another country. I don't know, Mexico

did it." --Jay Leno

"Republicans in Congress are demanding that

President Bush investigate whether oil companies

are now gouging consumers on these gas prices.

That's a good idea, Republicans asking Republicans

to investigate other Republicans. And you know

who they're going to blame? The Democrats."

--Jay Leno

"Proponents of this amnesty program for illegal

immigrants say they are willing to take on jobs

Americans are not willing to do. You know,

like come up with an immigration policy."

–Jay Leno

"I have to admit that I turned away from the Olympics

yesterday. Fox had a more exciting sporting event on:

Softball with Dick Cheney and Britt Hume." --Jay Leno

"While President Bush was doing his taxes, under

dependents he listed Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay

and Jack Abramoff. Then he caught himself,

'Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants.'"

--Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

from now on, all bribe money has to be in a clear plastic bag (It's a trap!)

"Hillary Clinton blasted the vice president today

for failing to disclose all the facts. She wants Dick

Cheney to give exact details. You know, like, "How

do you shoot someone and make it look like an

accident?" --Jay Leno

"This week, senators passed a limited ethics bill. It's something congress knows a lot about. Limited ethics. Some of the new rules are pretty tough, like from now on, all bribe money has to be in a clear plastic bag." --Jay Leno

"The Chinese president, President Hu, visited the White House. He received a 21-gun salute although Cheney said it was just an accident." --Jay Leno

"The latest in Iraq: the government has ceased to function. It's kind of like the Bush White House, but with more oil." --Jay Leno

"But not all the generals are against him. He still has the support of a lot of generals: General Electric, General Dynamics, General Motors." --Jay Leno, on generals calling for Donald Rumsfeld's resignation

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/12/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and_10.html

#1001Ways #RandomThoughts #poetry