So now they're having a benefit concert for people who had to see that (Dear Santa)

"Computer technicians in Washington say they have found 22

million missing emails from President George W. Bush's

Administration. And you can tell the emails are from the Bush

Administration because they all begin, 'Dear Santa.'"

–Conan O'Brien

"Anyone see that Hurricane Sandy concert? Kanye West

performed while wearing a leather skirt. So now they're having

a benefit concert for people who had to see that."

–Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

And then — this is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont (every person who was happy to hear that missed their flight)

President Trump said in a new interview that he is an "absolute 'no' on possible statehood for Puerto Rico." And then — this is concerning — he said the same thing about Vermont. --Seth Meyers

Los Angeles International Airport has updated its policy to allow travelers to pack marijuana when flying. And every person who was happy to hear that missed their flight. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The app is called Why? (It was a great night for O.J.!)

A new app lets people take selfies with virtual versions of "The Today Show" anchors. The app is called Why? –Conan O’Brien

One of the big winners at last night's Emmys was "The People v. O.J. Simpson." I gotta say, there’s nothing better than checking out the news and hearing, "It was a great night for O.J.!" –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s oakey with notes of...blasted pizza (290 million to 1)

The truth is that the odds of you winning the lottery are 290 million to 1. That means you are about as likely to win the Powerball as you are to ever hear the words “President Jeb Bush.” –James Corden

A woman was recently banned from a Texas Wal-Mart after driving an electric shopping cart around the parking lot for several hours while drinking wine from a Pringles can. Also, I should add, it was 9 o’clock in the morning. If you ever want to know what my goals for retirement are, that’s pretty much it. I will say, if you have a better idea of how to get those crumbs out of the bottom of the can, I’d like to hear it. It makes sense. I can’t believe I’ve never thought of drinking wine out of a pringles can before. “Oh, this Pinot Grigio is robust. It’s oakey with notes of...blasted pizza.” --James Corden

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel (It was pretty cool, don't you think honey?)

"They said bin Laden's wife tried to shield bin Laden with her body. And today Moammar Gadhafi said to his wife, 'Hey honey, did you see what bin Laden's wife Susan did? It was pretty cool, don't you think honey?'" –Jay Leno

"And a Georgia man is recovering in Pittsburgh after becoming the first U.S. recipient of a double hand transplant. Got two hands transplanted from another guy. He used them for the first time today to grab his heart when he saw the bill." --Jay Leno

"Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is the guy who told his wife he was going for a hike and then went to Argentina to see his girlfriend. He was then exposed as an unethical, lying, cheating weasel. In a stunning comeback, he has been elected to Congress, where he'll fit right in." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Weed is definitely legal in Colorado.. (What channel is CDC?)

According to a new study by the CDC, women are more likely than men to experiment with same-sex partners. Said men, “What channel is CDC?” –Seth Meyers

A group in Colorado has set a new world record for largest sticker ball after combining enough decals to create a nearly 9 foot wide 232 pound ball which proves one thing: Weed is definitely legal in Colorado. .” –Seth Meyers

U.S. immigration agents targeted hundreds of 7-Eleven stores today to investigate the legal status of store employees. Hey, if you're going to investigate something at 7-Eleven, how about the hot dogs? How long have THEY been in the country? --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So tell me more about this Robert Kennedy fella (Is he wearing ice skates in the parking lot?)

I saw that President Biden's approval rating among his fellow Democrats just dropped 11 points to a record low of 75%. Yikes. Even Jill is like, “So tell me more about this Robert Kennedy fella.” —Jimmy Fallon

I saw that President Biden's approval rating among his fellow Democrats just dropped 11 points to a record low of 75%. If Biden becomes any less popular, Republicans might elect him speaker of the House. —Jimmy Fallon

That's correct. Yeah, Biden's down to 75% approval among Democrats. On the bright side, he gets to tell people that he's in his mid 70s again. —Jimmy Fallon

When Biden asked how he could boost his numbers, his staff said, "Try walking from the car to the plane without making people think, "Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh God!” It's like, "Is he walking -- Is he walking on skates? Is he wearing ice skates in the parking lot?” —Jimmy Fallon

Hey, did you guys see this? The magician David Copperfield just announced plans to make the Moon disappear. Yeah, it's an amazing trick he calls daytime. Yep. David Copperfield will make the Moon disappear. Yeah. Then for his next trick, he threatened to pull a rabbit out of Uranus. —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because if there's one guy whose trial famously ended well, it's Jesus (This will make you sleepier than 20 Cosby’s)

Also, while he was in Israel, President Biden said the Hamas attack was like "Fifteen 9/11s.” Okay, you can't go somewhere to calm people down and then start rating things in numbers of 9/11s. That is not a calm scale. It would be like if your doctor gave you Ambien and said, "This will make you sleepier than 20 Cosby’s." —Colin Jost

After a judge issued a gag order against President Trump, Trump told reporters that the judge said, "Basically, I don't have the right to speak.” Then he added, "She's, like, literally killing me.” Then he yelled, "You're not even my real mom,” and slammed his bedroom door. —Colin Jost

And yesterday, on Truth Social, Trump posted a courtroom sketch of him sitting next to Jesus. Because if there's one guy whose trial famously ended well, it's Jesus. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Zero percent support Joe Biden guessing what the BT and Q stand for (White Claw/bull semen)

A seven year old boy in Pennsylvania set a new world record by bouncing on a POGO stick more than 2,000 times in a row. Said the boy's parents, “Open the schools!” —Colin Jost

A Canadian woman was fined $25,000 dollars for illegally importing bull semen. Meanwhile in the US, bull semen is sold legally under the name White Claw. —Colin Jost

A new poll shows that 75% of LGBTQ support Joe Biden. But Zero percent support Joe Biden guessing what the BT and Q stand for. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

the only president I know that takes Spring Break (and more proof that God is a woman)

"President Bush is in Cancun, the only president I know that takes Spring Break." –David Letterman

"Tampa could be hit by Hurricane Isaac, and they might have to cancel or postpone the Republican National Convention. A hurricane headed directly for the Republicans – and more proof that God is a woman." –David Letterman

 

"Dick Cheney had another scare. He was taken to the hospital with shortness of breath. He was okay, he was just winded from torturing a detainee." --David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The landmark New York City case, Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up (Obama Caught With Old Man in Dress)

"People in New York are especially excited by Judge Sotomayor because she comes from the Bronx. In fact, Judge Sotomayor famously presided over the landmark New York City case, Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up." --Conan O'Brien

Mexico's No. 1 drug lord has escaped from prison and may be headed to the U.S. So Donald Trump was wrong. They ARE sending us their best. –Conan O’Brien

"I don't know if you're following this, but earlier today, in Vatican City, President Obama had a historic meeting with Pope Benedict XVI. Or, as Fox News is reporting it, 'Obama Caught With Old Man in Dress.'" --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada (Peace on Earth)

"People sometimes forget that George Washington was very rich, had a pony tail, and grew hemp on his farm. He was America's original Willie Nelson." –Craig Ferguson February 2013

"Maine legalized gay marriage today. Maine became comfortable with the idea after years of touching Canada." --Craig Ferguson, May 2009

"G.I. Joe was created on this day in 1964, so tonight G.I. Joe’s going out with Ken to celebrate his birthday and the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell." –Craig Ferguson 2/9/11

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump thinks the biggest threats to America are asylum seekers and Klingons (Us love you more, Mr. Trunks!)

After President Trump declared a national emergency to bypass Congress and build his border wall, 16 states filed legal challenges almost immediately. In comments to reporters this week, Trump insisted he had the absolute right to unilaterally build his wall and said it was a matter of national security. President Trump, “We have the absolute right to do that. I have an absolute right to call national security. We need strong borders. It's an open and closed case. I was put here for security, whether it's Space Force, which we're doing today, or whether it's borders.” Space Force and borders? It's pretty telling that despite the effects of climate change, gun violence, and inadequate healthcare, Trump thinks the biggest threats to America are asylum seekers and Klingons. --Seth Meyers

An 88-year-old woman has set a new record for oldest female to stand on the wing of a flying plane. It sounds dangerous, but it’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United. –Seth Meyers

Following his win at last night’s Nevada caucus, Donald Trump told supporters that he won in almost every voter demographic, and said, quote, “I love the poorly educated.” To which they replied, “Us love you more, Mr. Trunks!" –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Actually, the shocking twist is that it's hosted by Mike Pence (Joke's on you. I never had a license, to begin with)

December 2022

“That's right, just ten more days until Christmas and 900 more emails from Amazon.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Today in Washington, a disciplinary council called for Rudy Giuliani to be disbarred. Rudy was like — [As Giuliani] Joke's on you. I never had a license, to begin with.” —Jimmy Fallon

“Did you see this? TLC just announced a new reality dating show called ‘MILF Manor.’ It features eight women, eight younger men, and one shocking twist. Yeah, I think the shocking twist is that TLC used to stand for The Learning Channel. Actually, the shocking twist is that it's hosted by Mike Pence.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He encouraged his supporters to take care of voting early before it becomes a problem (Grandma’s under 3o)

December 2022

The Georgia senate runoff set records for early voting. Hershel Walker has always encouraged his supporters to take care of voting early before it becomes a problem. —Colin Jost

There is growing support to move the first Democratic primary from Iowa to South Carolina, but why move it to another boring state? Start the primaries with a bang in Florida. Right? Instead of watching a politician eat a corndog at the Iowa State Fair, imagine Pete Buttigieg smoking meth shirtless at Gatorland as he battles for the state’s key demographic. Grandma’s under 3o. You know, at the end of the day, Florida may not give us FDR or JFK, but it will definitely give us HPV. —Colin Jost

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reached a settlement in their divorce, and I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that she had an easier time finding a good lawyer. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That outfit is appropriate for only two things: intimidating voters or assassinating James Bond in the Alps (post-apocalyptic zombie wasteland)

November 2022

“With the midterms now less than a week away, Republicans and Democrats are making their closing arguments to voters. The GOP’s argument is: stop voting. Donald Trump and other GOP figures have encouraged ‘poll watchers’ to intimidate voters at ballot drop boxes across the country. Here are photos of men in Arizona dressed in ski masks and body armor. That outfit is appropriate for only two things: intimidating voters or assassinating James Bond in the Alps.” —Stephen Colbert

“On Tuesday, an Arizona judge ordered armed election ‘monitors’ to stay at least 250 feet away from drop boxes. I think it’s fair to say democracy is in danger when ballot boxes take out a restraining order.” —Stephen Colbert

“The rightwing group the Oath Keepers, is on trial for seditious conspiracy for their role in the January 6th attack on the Capitol. January 6th wasn’t just about smashing glass and hanging Pence. It was also about apps for the table, as prosecutors claim that Oath Keepers met for a late-night meal after the attack at an Olive Garden. That explains their new slogan: ‘When you’re here, your family didn’t hug you enough as a child.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Trump won't be happy until he proves that Obama doesn't exist (they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat)

"Donald Trump is now attacking President Obama's grades, suggesting that he was a poor student. First it was the birth certificate, and now the grades. Trump won't be happy until he proves that Obama doesn't exist." –Jimmy Kimmel 4/26/2011

"It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn't voted in primary elections in over three wives." –Jimmy Fallon  4/26/2011

"A new poll shows that President Obama's approval rating is down to 41 percent. A lot of people that voted for him now say they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat." –Jay Leno  4/26/2011

"Donald Trump said he can't make a final decision about whether he will run for president or not until this season of 'Celebrity Apprentice' is over. Which is maybe the best excuse from a guy who might run for the presidency ever — I am unable to decide on whether or not I will run for President until I decide whether Latoya Jackson or Jose Canseco will be my new Apprentice. Maybe he should ease into this — by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men." –Jimmy Kimmel 4/7/2011

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If you want something as fashionable as Yeezys, you’ll have to microwave a Croc. (Now everyone partake of his body-ody-ody)

October 2022

“We are two weeks away the midterm elections, and the Democrats are pushing hard on the youth vote. There is an ad in which Barack Obama tried to relate to young voters: ‘I’ve heard a lot recently about how voting doesn’t solve everything, and I can see why you might think that. It won’t make Outer Banks or Euphoria season 3 or Rihanna’s new album drop any faster.’ I love that man, but that has real youth pastor sitting in the chair backwards energy. Come on, guys, come on. Listen, listen you guys, I’m gonna yeet some truths your way. No cap. You know Archie from Riverdale wasn’t the only one to come back to life. Let me tell you about an influencer who got a lot of likes even though he only had 12 followers. Now everyone partake of his body-ody-ody.” —Stephen Colbert

“Adidas decided to terminate its lucrative deal with Kanye West after the rapper’s numerous antisemitic comments. So, no more shoe. If you want something as fashionable as Yeezys, you’ll have to microwave a Croc.” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Wait a minute, Melania's not blind? (they're just going to reboot the series without him)

According to a new CNN poll, President Trump's approval rating has fallen six points in the last month. If he gets any less popular, they're just going to reboot the series without him. --Seth Meyers

A skydiver uploaded a video of himself yesterday jumping out of a plane and solving a Rubik’s cube during free fall. And to prove that he actually solved it, the funeral was open casket. –Seth Meyers

President Trump tried to have braille removed from the elevators in Trump Tower, because "no blind people are going to live in Trump Tower." Wait a minute, Melania's not blind? --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You’re the witness protection program (a confused old person yelling at something that doesn't exist)

"Ann Romney was telling details of their personal life. She said that when she and Mitt were young, 'He was nice to my parents, but really glad when my parents weren't around.' And with his Medicare plan, they won't be." –Bill Maher

"If your party can run the nation for eight years, and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove or Tom DeLay, you’re not a political movement. You’re the witness protection program." –Bill Maher

"Ann Romney was appealing to women for the women's vote, and she said she was living proof that if you work hard and apply yourself, there is nothing you can't marry." –Bill Maher

"Clint Eastwood came out at the Republican convention and did ten minutes of wingnut improv. It was kind of a metaphor for the entire Republican party -- a confused old person yelling at something that doesn't exist." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”