Don’t worry — you’ll know people (Four more years!)

“Former President Trump has been found guilty on all 34 charges in his criminal hush money trial and faces up to four years in prison. Well, for what it’s worth, all your friends are already there, you know? It’s like what my wife tells me on our way to a dinner party: ‘Don’t worry — you’ll know people.’” — Seth Meyers

“That’s right, Trump was found guilty. They were going to put him in an orange jumpsuit, but it felt redundant.” — Jimmy Fallon

“The big question now is whether Trump will get jail time or house arrest. If he’s sentenced to jail, Melania will be inside the courtroom chanting, ‘Four more years!’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How dare you explain what I did to my wife! (for cocktail hour, enjoy complimentary toilet wine)

Tonight I feel good, because Trump was found guilty and will be sentenced on 11 July. That’s going to be a busy time for convicted felon Donald Trump, as that’s four days before the start of the Republican national convention, and top Republicans are reportedly preparing for the possibility that Trump could be in prison when he accepts the nomination. It’s going to be the RNC live from Cell Block B with a keynote speech from his warden, his cellmate Spider, that one guard who smuggles in cellphones up his butt and, for the cocktail hour, enjoy complimentary toilet wine. —Stephen Colbert

“Trump attended a UFC fight over the weekend before heading back to his home in Florida. It’s good to see him out crossing state lines while he still can. If I had just been found guilty of covering up a hush-money payment to a porn star, I wouldn’t be in a rush to get home to my wife either. Asked on Fox & Friends how Melania was doing, Trump said she was fine, “but she has to read all this crap!” Yeah, I’m pretty sure the only thing she reads is her prenup over and over again. It’s very rich that he’s mad at other people for that – ‘How dare you explain what I did to my wife!’” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

How long before he starts bragging about this? (they are not my enemy)

The former president’s New York City trial, where he faces multiple charges, which is coming to an end as the jury deliberates. Trump is hoping for a hung jury. Of course he was also hoping for a hung Mike Pence but that didn’t happen. —Jimmy Kimmel 

“You do have to hand it to him, no president has ever been convicted more than Donald Trump. How long before he starts bragging about this?” —Jimmy Kimmel

After the verdict, Trump spoke to press about how the trial was “rigged” by a “conflicted” judge and promised his supporters that they would still be fighting to win the election in November. And if he doesn’t win, he’ll say he won anyway. The only thing he’s gonna be fighting to win is the Jell-o cup on his prison tray. —Jimmy Kimmel

The only Trump relative in court for the verdict was “stupid Eric” who then went on to tweet that 30 May would go down as the day that his father won the 2024 election. I think it will go down as the day that a jury spanked your dad even harder than Stormy did. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s nice at the end of one trial when they tease the next trial (Because he is!)

“Speaking of Donald Trump’s hush money trial, today after calling 20 witnesses over the past month, the prosecution rested their case. When he heard, Trump was like,  [imitating Trump] ‘Big deal, I’ve been resting the whole case.’” — Jimmy Fallon

“Prosecutors concluded their case today. The defense is expected to rest tomorrow, and I have to say, I don’t think the defense has ever been more well rested than this one.” — Jimmy Kimmel

“Today, Michael Cohen was back on the stand in Trump’s hush money trial and he admitted to stealing $30,000 from the Trump organization. It’s nice at the end of one trial when they tease the next trial.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

just leave a trail of chicken nuggets to a cliff with a sign that said ‘honey mustard below’ (4 out of 5 citizens love democracy)

Donald Trump’s lawyers grilled his former lawyer Michael Cohen. As motivation for Cohen’s vindictiveness, the defense tried to show that Cohen felt rejected by Trump, including getting him to confirm that he had a hard time securing tickets to Trump’s inauguration in January 2017. Wow, that had to sting. Because we all know there were plenty of seats available. —Stephen Colbert

Outside the courthouse on Thursday, Trump spoke to reporters to complain about the prosecution, calling the trial “a scam and it’s a sham”. Coincidentally, ‘scam’ and ‘sham’ also the Secret Service code names for Eric and Don Jr. —Stephen Colbert

Trump agreed to the terms for the debates, but Republicans are already working to undermine them. Vivek Ramaswamy, a potential Trump VP pick, tweeted: “Call me cynical, but why is Joe Biden suddenly so willing to debate? It could be because he’s desperate, or it could be because it’s a set-up.”Oh, grow up. If Biden really wanted to trap Trump, he could just leave a trail of chicken nuggets to a cliff with a sign that said ‘honey mustard below’. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s like if OJ’s buddies at his trial were Charles Manson and Hannibal Lecter (someone else’s porn star hush-money trial)

Donald Trump was back in court on Thursday for his criminal hush-money trial, with several congressional Republicans in tow for support, including JD Vance, Lauren Boebert, Tim Scott and Matt Gaetz. Man, Beavis and Butthead are everywhere. Seriously, there are more Republican members of Congress at Trump’s criminal trial than there are at the Capitol. Just going to throw this out there – might be a good day to storm it? —Seth Meyers

“If you’re on trial for a criminal charge where character is central to the case, Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert aren’t exactly the role models you want with you in the room. That’s like if OJ’s buddies at his trial were Charles Manson and Hannibal Lecter.” —Seth Meyers

Nevertheless, Gaetz and Boebert were reportedly sitting in the front row of the courtroom. Sitting front row at the Trump trial must be like the Maga version of sitting courtside at a Knicks game, except if someone says, ‘Wow, they’re even bigger up close,’ they’re talking about the bags under Trump’s eyes. This is how grimy and pathetic the Republican party has become: the only thing sadder than having to sit in a dreary New York City courtroom for your porn star hush-money trial is sitting in a dreary New York City courtroom for someone else’s porn star hush-money trial. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It’s pretty impressive — one of Trump’s lawyers might actually win a case (These fluorescent lights are literal violence!)

By far the “weirdest” appearance at Donald Trump’s hush money trial was from the Alabama senator Tommy Tuberville, who complained about the “depressing” courtroom and said “mental anguish is trying to be pushed on the Republican candidate for president of the United States”. Mental anguish?! This dude spends every day whining about how gen Z is too woke with their safe spaces, and now he’s out here like, ‘The wallpaper is giving the president trauma. These fluorescent lights are literal violence!’ —Desi Lydic, The Daily Show

We are celebrating 10 years of hosting The Tonight Show. Ten years. It’s hard to believe, when I got the job, Joe Biden was just a fresh-faced 71-year-old. —Jimmy Fallon 

During his testimony, Michael Cohen laid out tons of evidence, including tapes, emails, photos and calendar events. It’s pretty impressive — one of Trump’s lawyers might actually win a case. — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Shhh! I’m trying to sleep (and even that is an understatement)

Donald Trump reportedly took in Michael Cohen’s testimony with his eyes shut, nearly without reaction, moving only occasionally to whisper or pass a note to his attorney. And I’m being told we have one of the notes. It read, “Shhh! I’m trying to sleep.” —Stephen Colbert

Michael Cohen also said it was Melania Trump’s idea to classify Trump’s “grab them by the pussy” comments on the infamous Access Hollywood tape as mere “locker room talk”. Well, that makes sense, because any time Trump tries to get near Melania, she lockher room. —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You know, like every republican (extortion)

Stormy Daniels was accused by Trump’s lawyers of lying about their affair for profit, which would make her the only person to do business with Trump and make money. —Colin Jost

It has also been implied that Stormy Daniels got into bed with Trump and let him do whatever he wanted just to advance her career. You know, like every republican. —Colin Jost

Before her testimony, Stormy Daniels agreed not to describe Trump’s genitalia in court, after she was offered hush money by the jury. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Print those out and hang them on the Smithsonian wall (This also feels like a shot at me, too)

“At former President Trump’s hush-money trial it was quite a day to be a stenographer. These are actual phrases that were used in court today: ‘human toilet’, ‘orange turd’ and ‘make America horny again’. Print those out and hang them on the Smithsonian wall. —Jimmy Kimmel

“Today’s cross-examination was described as ‘heated’ and ‘intense,’ which coincidentally are the only two settings on Trump’s tanning bed.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Today, former President Trump’s attorneys finished their cross-examination of Stormy Daniels, and they accused her of lying and hawking merchandise for personal gain. Trump was like, ‘This also feels like a shot at me, too.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

either a large chunk of Indiana voters are not planning to vote for Trump, or Mike Pence voted 128,000 times (you don’t believe in luck any more)

While Stormy Daniels testified in New York, Indiana held their Republican presidential primary. Trump easily won, as the only candidate still in the race, but Nikki Haley, who dropped out two months ago, still received more than 21% of the vote. Which means either a large chunk of Indiana voters are not planning to vote for Trump, or Mike Pence voted 128,000 times. —Jimmy Kimmel

Trump, meanwhile, used his one day off per week from the trial to focus on his pyramid scheme, by hosting a dinner at Mar-a-Lago for the fans who bought his NFTs. Attendees had to buy all 47 of Trump’s NFTs for $99 each. I would hate to be his assistant this morning – ‘Sir, a reminder, tonight you have to eat with the freaks who paid $4,700 to have pictures of you wearing Superman tights and a cape, OK?’ Melania, too, is doing her Be Best to cash in, with her own line of signature Mother’s Day jewelry. A necklace engraved with “love & gratitude” and her signature was available for $245, shaped like a three-leaf clover, because when you are Donald Trump’s wife, you don’t believe in luck any more. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it’s impossible to not think 'well, what are the specifics?' (eating a hot pocket you found on the train)

Donald Trump’s trial keeps making history. The New York-based trial is the first-ever criminal trial of an ex-president and the first time an ex-president has been found in contempt and threatened with jail time. And now it’s also the first time an ex-president has gone face to face with a porn star he had an affair with while she describes the position they were in, the silk pyjamas he was wearing and the magazine she spanked him on the ass with. 

How are they going to teach this era of history in high school? They can’t say most of the words! A frazzled gym teacher will have to cover it in sex ed. And that was keeping things “very basic”, as Judge Juan Merchan instructed Stormy Daniels to omit any “descriptions of genitalia”.

I had two different simultaneous reactions when I heard this: thank God and why not? Because when someone says ‘we’re going to talk about his genitalia, but don’t worry we won’t get into specifics,’ it’s impossible to not think ‘well, what are the specifics?’

I really don’t want to hear about Donald Trump’s weird penis, but also I kinda want him to have to hear it? Someone reading a description of your weird penis in court sounds like dream you’d have after eating a hot pocket you found on the train. —Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Has Trump ever considered paying himself hush money? (Or, as the rest of the world calls it, a job)

On Tuesday, David Pecker, the former publisher of the National Enquirer, testified that to help Trump in the 2016 election, he would buy scandalous stories about him and bury them. And what a great job he did. I can’t think of a single Trump scandal. —Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

Attorneys representing former President Donald Trump argued that he did not violate his gag order during Tuesday’s hearing in his criminal trial. This guy is incapable of keeping his mouth shut for two minutes. Has Trump ever considered paying himself hush money? —Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

On his way out of the courthouse, Trump stopped to tell reporters how uncomfortably cold it is in the room and how very unhappy he is to be there. Eight hours a day, four days a week — it’s literally torture. Or, as the rest of the world calls it, a job. —Jordan Klepper, The Daily Show

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”