Hitler accidentally added her to a group chat (Eat out of this trough, you pig!)

Betty Webb, one of the last surviving World War II codebreakers, has died at the age of 101. Webb first deciphered Nazi communications after Hitler accidentally added her to a group chat. —Colin Jost

Subway has partnered with Doritos to offer new Footlong Nachos. But I don't love the slogan — "Eat out of this trough, you pig!” —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Especially the add where they claim their burgers have a wet a** patty (What are the odds?)

March 2023

A new trend among younger workers is Bare Minimum Monday, in which they do as little as possible on the first day of the work week. While a new trend among World War II veterans is realizing that their sacrifice meant nothing. —Colin Jost

Some owners of McDonald’s franchises are concerned about a campaign partnership with Cardi B. Especially the add where they claim their burgers have a wet ass patty. —Colin Jost

Donald Trump accused Ron DeSantis of wanting to cut Social Security and Medicare and called the Florida governor a wheelchair-over-the-cliff kind of guy. Wheelchair over the cliff is also how Melania will finally get rid of him. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

 

Time to party like it's 1939! (So, That Happened/Living Nightmare)

The election is finally here and tomorrow, people who cast their vote will receive one of those “I Voted” stickers. Actually, with such a crazy election, they’re going with a different sticker this year: “So, That Happened.” –Jimmy Fallon

"The big news is the midterm elections. Last night Republicans picked up a dozen seats in the House to give them their biggest majority since World War II. Or as they put it, 'Time to party like it's 1939!'" –Jimmy Fallon

Facebook is testing a new group phone call feature that will let you talk on the phone with up to 50 friends at once. If you want to try it, you go to Facebook, you click on “Features,” and then select “Living Nightmare.” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's going to be the worst president ever to the very last minute of the very last day. (Bush's analogy)

"President Bush says the economy will improve once those $300 rebate checks start arriving in the mailbox. So, be sure to check that mailbox in the house you used to live in before the sheriff came and took it away." --Bill Maher

 

"Karl Rove's new talking point for the Republicans is that the terrorists are like the Nazis, and anyone against the Iraq War is like the appeasers before World War II. If that doesn't work they're going to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk." --Bill Maher

"This week marked the one-year-left point in the Bush presidency. Folks, I'm with you, but stop cheering. He is still allowed to touch things. I pray he doesn't have one more giant f--- up in him, because, you know, he does keep trying. He tried to screw up Social Security, right? He tried to appoint his cleaning lady to the Supreme Court. He tried to get a war cry going to attack Iran. It's not like he's going to quit. He's going to be the worst president ever to the very last minute of the very last day. So I'm still nervous about this last year. I have the same feeling about this last year of his in office as I have when I'm on the highway and I have to go to the bathroom and I just passed a sign that says 'Next Rest Stop: 28 miles.'" --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So basically, they’re the Lakers (Haze a nipple heave)

March 2022

Some military experts have been surprised that despite having superior firepower the Russian army has been slowed by aging equipment, poor motivation and inept leadership. So basically, they’re the Lakers. —Colin Jost

The House voted to award the congressional gold medal to the only female all-black unit to serve in World War II. And Tyler Perry plays them all in his new film Inglorious Basterds. —Colin Jost

Dunkin’ Donuts has announced a new beverage called the Shamrock Macchiato, which combines espresso, vanilla and Irish creme. It’s the festive, sugary drink that will have you saying, Top O’ the Morning and losing the bottom O’ your leg. —Colin Jost

 Pat Sajak is asking Wheel of Fortune fans to stop making fun of the two contestants who were unable to solve an easy saying, ‘Have a little heart.’ Or as the contestants would guess, ‘Haze a nipple heave.’ —Colin Jost

According to a new study, just one drink a day may shrink the overall volume of your brain. Though I think I speak for all alcohol enthusiasts when I say, ‘Buh?’ —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He’s never gonna date you, dude. Give it up! (Attaboy, Adolf. Sweet mustache.)

February 2022

“It takes a special kind of a son of a [expletive] to see innocent people fleeing their homes and think, ‘How can I make this about me?’ But nobody does that better than Donald Trump.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Can you imagine if any other president behaved this way? This would be like if during World War II, Hoover came out and said, ‘Attaboy, Adolf. Sweet mustache. I love what you’re doing there.’” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The former president told Fox News that the invasion ‘all happened because of a rigged election’ before proceeding into a typical rambling rant about immigration and inflation. Can you blame something real on something fake? That’s like blaming the chickenpox on the tooth fairy. It doesn’t make sense. Trump has continued to defend his ‘KGBFF’ Putin, which is embarrassing. He’s never gonna date you, dude. Give it up!” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

well, it would make a good golf course (De-nazify?)

February 2022

“In less than a day, Putin’s “special military operation” – an unprovoked attack on its neighbor – left Ukrainian cities in chaos, highways clogged with civilians fleeing west, subway stations turned into bomb shelters. And the Russian leader had a pretty lame excuse to justify it. In a propaganda-laden speech Thursday morning, Putin claimed the attack was intended to ‘de-nazify’ the Ukrainian government. De-nazify? That’s hard to do when you’re acting like de-Nazis.” –Stephen Colbert

“Meanwhile, Donald Trump has been out there pushing a pro-Putin agenda forever, and he was still out there last night in a speech at Mar-a-Gulago. On Wednesday evening, Trump addressed a fundraising dinner and praised Putin’s unilateral declaration that two eastern provinces of Ukraine were independent. ‘Listen, he’s taking over a country, really a vast, vast location,’ said Trump, ‘a great piece of land with a lot of people, and just walking right in.’ Everything is a real estate deal with this guy! It’s the biggest attack on a European country since World War II! When Hitler invaded Poland, FDR didn’t say ‘well, it would make a good golf course.’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You had one job! (Hold my vodka)

February 2022

“Over the last five years, we’ve seen democracy repeatedly undermined, tragic, unprecedented firestorms, a global pandemic. Well this morning, Vladimir Putin looked at all of that and said, ‘Hold my vodka,’ and invaded Ukraine.” —Stephen Colbert

“Then, as the invasion began, the ex-prez took to Russian state media — sorry, I misread that: Fox News.” —Stephen Colbert

“Listen, I don’t know what’s going to happen, but one thing’s for sure: Putin should fire those peacekeepers. You had one job!” —Stephen Colbert

“This is the biggest ground war in Europe since World War II, and the whole world is in shock. That’s why today’s Wordle was ‘Aaaah!’” —Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Call of Duty: Stronghold

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Normally when someone rambles that long... (Maybe that’s why he’s so angry)

“President Trump held a rally in Battle Creek, Michigan yesterday. The rally was billed as a ‘Merry Christmas’ rally. And in the spirit of this season, Trump went through a list of grievances and insults so long, CNN actually had to tally up a list of everyone and everything he attacked. That’s right: the president attacked security guards, Democrats, the media and dishwashers. Normally when someone rambles that long you have to take away their keys.” --Seth Meyers

“Trump also lashed out viciously at Representative Debbie Dingell from Michigan. Debbie Dingell is the widow of a World War II veteran, longtime congressman John Dingell, who’s very popular. He died in February. Trump last night at the rally made a ‘joke’ suggesting that congressman Dingell went to hell because his wife voted for impeachment. Trump believes that since he graciously allowed the flags at federal buildings to be lowered to half-mast to honor John Dingell, his widow should have shown her appreciation by voting not to impeach. In other words, another quid pro quo is what he was looking for.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“He really doesn’t seem to know what he did. Maybe that’s why he’s so angry.” --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hello, is anyone out there? Are you receiving this message? (he’s gonna be in prison by Tuesday)

Well, you know what, the thing is, the human voice really reverberates from inside a tanning bed.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is a man who holds press conferences in front of a running helicopter, so I think you can hear him over a phone receiver. And if his best defense against impeachment is ‘I’m not loud,’ he’s gonna be in prison by Tuesday.” --Jimmy Kimmel

“Maybe because you’ve been watching phone calls. Try listening to them. [Imitating Trump] ‘No matter how wide I open my eyes, I couldn’t hear a thing. I might need glasses.’” --Stephen Colbert

“That’s just how old people talk into phones. They think every phone is like a ham radio during World War II: ‘Hello, is anyone out there? Are you receiving this message?’” --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I don’t like to brag about this, but I dated her for awhile (Show me the wizards)

At this very moment, Donald Trump is in London on an official state visit, and today was full of Royal mixers, including this afternoon, when Trump and the First Lady had afternoon tea with Prince Charles and wife Camilla. Colbert as Trump: “Hey, you’re the guy that tagged Princess Di, right? Up top! You know I don’t like to brag about this, but I dated her for awhile. Okay. It’s true.” --Stephen Colbert

Trump got the classic Royal tour, complete with a review of the famous Royal Guardsman. Colbert as Trump: “How do you get that height in your hairdo? I cannot imagine how much Aqua Net you’ve got up there. Nobody smoke around this guy.” --Stephen Colbert

Queen Elizabeth gave Trump a first-edition copy of Churchill’s World War II book. Colbert as Trump: “Look, thank you so much, but don’t tell me how it ends. I’m really liking that German Charlie Chaplin who invented the High Five!” --Stephen Colbert

The queen also led Trump on a tour of The Royal Collection where he learned about British history. Colbert as Trump: “Enough books, Liz. Boring. Show me the wizards. I know you’ve got them around here someplace.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

The thoughtful restraint of the Internet (slander becomes the tool of the losers)

It's a true Christmas miracle because Fox News has birthed Fox Nation. It takes America's favorite news channel and adds the one thing that's always been lacking. The thoughtful restraint of the Internet. The New York Times describes Fox Nation as Netflix for conservatives which means it's for people who like Netflix but wish its World War II documentaries weren't so mean to the Nazis. --Samantha Bee

Just like Netflix, Fox Nation offers literally tens of programs and all of the most popular genres. From lifestyle shows and history shows, to Hillary's an evil bitch shows, and colleges turning your kids into whores and lesbians shows. To poor people are parasites shows and Muslims want to murder you shows. What all of their programming has in common is the Fox worldview that this is our country and those other people are trying to take it away from us. --Samantha Bee

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Every time someone says ‘Show me your papers,' Hitler's family gets a residual check (It's a dry fascism, but it's still fascism)

"This week Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country, which would allow the police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally. 

I know there are some people in Arizona worried that Obama is acting like Hitler, but can we all agree that there's nothing more Nazi than saying, ‘Show me your papers?' There's never been a WWII movie that didn't include the line, ‘Show me your papers.' 

It's their catchphrase. Every time someone says ‘Show me your papers,' Hitler's family gets a residual check. So heads up Arizona, that's fascism. I know, I know, it's a dry fascism, but it's still fascism." –Seth Meyers, Saturday Night Live

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I got a peanut butter and jelly. What do you -- Oh, my God! (Because we've seen this sh*t before!)

A woman in England has gained media attention after she revealed that she breastfed her daughter until she was 9 years old. Well, at least she didn't have to worry about her classmates wanting to trade lunches. "Uh, let's see. I got a peanut butter and jelly. What do you -- Oh, my God!" --Seth Meyers

And, finally, designer brand Yves Saint Laurent has released a new line of jewelry that features tiny penises. They would have made them bigger, but it's their winter collection. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

No, I promised Americans foul, filthy air and that is what I'm going to deliver (the other one was Nixon)

Since World War II, Trump is only the second elected president to see an improvement in his approval rating during his sixth quarter in office, which sounds really good, except for the fact that the other one was Nixon. --Jimmy Kimmel

This is not going to help the president's approval rating in the state of California. He is planning to roll back regulations put in place by the Obama administration that will allow the state to limit automobile emissions. Which would mean a lot more air pollution, which is exactly what we need around here. Trump's plan is to make the air so toxic immigrants won't even want to come here. --Jimmy Kimmel

And he's doing this so the oil companies can sell more gasoline. Even the auto companies think this is a bad idea. They're like, "Please, Mr. President, we've already made our plans based on these standards." Trump is like, "No, I promised Americans foul, filthy air and that is what I'm going to deliver." --Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

They're going to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk (Taking a knee)

"Karl Rove's new talking point for the Republicans is that the terrorists are like the Nazis, and anyone against the Iraq War is like the appeasers before World War II. If that doesn't work they're going to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk." --Bill Maher

"Dubai announced they will sell ownership of the six American ports to another investor. The bad news: It's Iran. This is the biggest setback for the Bush administration, well, all day." --Jay Leno

"Outspoken actor Alec Baldwin told Elle magazine that he's so desperate for a Democrat to be the next president that he would go a month without sex if it meant a Democrat would win the White House. And today Bill Clinton called him a fanatic, a lunatic, part of that kook fringe left. He must be stopped." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Bush reactivates Tuskegee airmen, sends them to Iraq (it's up for six Oscars)

"President Bush also had a moving ceremony this week for the Tuskegee airmen, the all black aviation squadron from World War II. A lot of these guys in their late 80s now. They were given gold medals, they were thanked, they were honored, and then the were re-activated and sent to Iraq." --Bill Maher

"We have a lot of problems over there in the Middle East. Iran is not giving back those British sailors that they snatched from the Persian Gulf. They released a new video today. It's kind of grainy and hard to make out what's going on. But it has British people in it, so it's up for six Oscars." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I’ve got bad news and worse news (Get Over It!)

There’s some nasty weather moving up the East Coast right now, known as Tropical Storm Gert. When they heard, people named Gert were like, “Oh, come on, my life’s bad enough as it is!” –Jimmy Fallon

Costco has to pay Tiffany’s $19 million for selling 2,500 fake Tiffany rings. Husbands don’t know what’s worse, having to tell their wife her ring ISN’T from Tiffany, or that it IS from Costco. “I’ve got bad news and worse news...” –Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #repealreplacerepublicans #Bernie2020 #FeeltheBern @BrandNew535 @justicedems 

JOKES: How much damage could he do in a week? (where the good Lord split ya)

So this is our first show of the Trump administration. You ever regret going on vacation? "Take the week off," they said. "America will still be here when you get back," they said. "How much damage could he do in a week?" –Stephen Colbert

You've got to give the guy credit. He can really get a lot of stuff undone. From Obamacare to climate change to torture, he's already moved the country back to 2004. If this keeps up, pretty soon, I’m going to launch "The Colbert Report." –Stephen Colbert

This guy is the Usain Bolt of executive orders. The latest is the order banning any refugees from entering the country for 120 days. Now, keep in mind, there are currently more refugees than at any time since World War II, and Trump just slammed the door. Explains why the poem on the Statue of Liberty now reads, "Don't let it hit ya where the good Lord split ya." –Stephen Colbert

And at Dulles Airport, a 5-year-old Iranian boy was detained for hours and kept from his mother. Or as Kellyanne Conway calls it, "alternative daycare." –Stephen Colbert