I am an activist nurse (whatever you do don't ask about the Magic Johnson)

An ex-girlfriend of Sean Diddy Combs testified they would use the names of famous NBA players as codes for sex acts. Yeah, so whatever you do don't ask about the Magic Johnson. —Greg Gutfeld

Soap made out of actress Sydney Sweeney's bathwater is being resold online for as much as $1,600. Meanwhile Joy Behar's bathwater is replacing tear gas to disperse angry rioters. —Greg Gutfeld

Republicans beat the Democrats in the congressional baseball game by a score of 13-2. The game was almost cancelled when Congresswoman Rashida Talib suggested they play shirts against skins. But the game ended up being delayed when someone mistook Nancy Pelosi's face for a catcher's mitt. The game had to be stopped at the second inning when Jerry Nadler started grazing on the outfield grass. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter (You know how long it takes a working man to save $5000?)

It's late November, the weather's getting crisp, and that can only mean one thing: It's time for People magazine's "sexiest man alive" issue. It's got David Beckham on the cover. Spoiler alert — he's sexy. I was a little disappointed to see that the only time my name appears in the magazine is on the address label. –Stephen Colbert

"I’d like to single out some heroes, like the nurses at NYU hospital. After the hospital generators failed, these nurses carried 20 newborns down nine flights of stairs while manually operating respirators. I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Five People You Meet in Hell (One time in college)

"It's been reported that former Vice President Cheney is hard at work on his memoirs. It's called 'The Five People You Meet in Hell.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In order to acknowledge gay members, Facebook added two new relationship options: 'In a civil union' and 'In a domestic partnership.' Then, to make sure they didn’t miss anyone, they added 'One time in college.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Yes, selfies CAN get worse (I also felt a kick)

"The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so that doctors can look at the inside of their patients' bodies. So to answer your question: Yes, selfies CAN get worse." –Jimmy Fallon

“Rihanna did a Super Bowl halftime show while pregnant. Meanwhile, everyone at home on their 30th chicken wing was like, ‘I also felt a kick.’” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

because we all know how much dogs hate doin' it (nurses mainly)

Researchers at Cornell have successfully bred the first puppies in a test tube. Which is great, because we all know how much dogs hate doin' it. –Conan O’Brien

This is really weird, in Germany a woman who recently won a beauty pageant just admitted she used to be a man. Which explains why her talent for the pageant was hiding her testicles. --Conan O’Brien 7/13/2005

"A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, 'I had more leg room in the womb.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English king? (you're one president too late)

"North Korea is getting a new evil dictator. Kim Jong Il is appointing his dim-witted son, Kim Jong W. Il." –David Letterman

"Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late." –David Letterman

"It's day nine of the government shutdown. Are you like me? Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English king?" –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

The only positive thing I can say about Joe Biden is... (an unassisted 921-mile trek across Antarctica)

At a rally in Michigan this weekend, President Trump asked the crowd, quote, "Any Hispanics in the room?" And it's a little alarming that he was holding a net. --Seth Meyers

Today was National School Nurse Day, and if you want to know what they're getting, lice. --Seth Meyers

Two men are competing to be the first person to complete an unassisted 921-mile trek across Antarctica. Which is dumb, because if they just wait a few years, Antarctica will only be like 20 miles, tops. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Donald Trump Jr. is the only guy who claims himself as a dependent (Can you subpoena a mannequin?)

February 2023

“We are looking ahead to possible indictments from a Georgia grand jury over Donald Trump’s attempted election interference in Georgia. Probably the most that will happen is Trump’s lawyers will have another opportunity to file nuisance objections and delay the verdict, which is basically Trump’s strategy for everything. He’s almost 80 – if he can keep delaying long enough, he can get the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“In other Trump legal news, the special counsel looking into the events of January 6th issued subpoenas for Ivanka Trump and her husband, Jared Kushner. I don’t know what the point of subpoenaing Ivanka is – you know she is just going to plead the Saks Fifth. And serving Jared raises some important and interesting legal questions like, can you subpoena a mannequin?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Meanwhile, the former president is trying to exploit the disaster in East Palestine. On Wednesday, he dropped off crates of Trump-branded bottled water, and faced tough questions for his administration’s rollback in 2018 of a rule that would have required better braking systems on trains carrying hazardous materials. So now, dummy who could’ve stayed out of this whole thing, is being held responsible for making safety last. But fortunately for him, he’s got an ardent defender in one Donald J. Jr. Appearing virtually on Fox News, the Trump’s eldest son complained about Pete Buttigieg: ‘There is no accountability. There’s not even expectation of these guys doing their jobs.’ And what is your job exactly?” I mean, seriously, besides yelling at your laptop, what is it that you do for a living? What do you write on your tax returns? ‘Son’? Donald Trump Jr. is the only guy who claims himself as a dependent.” —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Though she did emphasize that she still hasn’t decided who she’s voting for (That's not true, comma. I speak from the heart, exclamation point.)

President Trump spoke this morning to religious leaders at the National Prayer Breakfast. It's always a slightly awkward situation for a president who's been married three times, paid hush money to a porn star, and has probably, at best, skimmed the Bible. [Meyers as Trump] “And as you all know, God set a fire to a bush so he could collect the insurance money and build a casino. It was smart. It was a smart move." --Seth Meyers

A Tennessee man with the word "Psycho" tattooed on his forehead was arrested this week for stabbing someone in the stomach. Of course, if you have a tattoo on your forehead, no matter what it says, it says "Psycho." –Seth Meyers

Chris Christie, in a new interview, continued to criticize Marco Rubio for his performance in this weekend's debate and said Rubio is scripted and not spontaneous. To which Marco Rubio replied, "That's not true, comma. I speak from the heart, exclamation point." –Seth Meyers

Jeb Bush’s mother, former First Lady Barbara Bush, joined him on the campaign trail yesterday for the first time. Though she did emphasize that she still hasn’t decided who she’s voting for. –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money (I’m like, freakin’ out, man!)

Speaking of comebacks, a pretty big sports story here. WWE chairman Vince McMahon announced that he is bringing back his football league, the XFL. XFL fans were like, ‘What a day! ‘Murphy Brown’ and now this! I’m like, freakin’ out, man!” --Jimmy Fallon

We’re one week away from the Iowa caucuses and all the candidates are doing whatever they can to appeal to voters. Donald Trump even went to a church service in Iowa over the weekend. You can tell he doesn't go to church much because he was like, "I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money." –Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump is willing to talk to Robert Mueller under oath. That will get off to a weird start when Trump is told “Raise your right hand” and he goes, “My right or your right?” --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

Russell Brand: THE TRUTH (12/9/22)

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I’m standing right behind you (Super Busy Hospital)

I like video games but they're very violent. I want to design a video game that makes you take care of all the people who have been shot in all the other video games. “Hey man, what are you playing?” Super Busy Hospital. --Demetri Martin

I want to make a jigsaw puzzle that has 40,000 pieces. When you finish it, it says “Go Outside.”  --Demetri Martin

I went into this clothing store and the lady working there, she got mad at me. She said, “What size are you?” And I said, Actual. --Demetri Martin

I love the beach. I like to get there really early before everybody else shows up. I take like 30 bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait wait for everyone to come to the beach. When someone goes to pick up one of the bottles I go up behind them, because when they open the bottle, inside there's a note that says, “I’m standing right behind you.”  --Demetri Martin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hmmm, I want to get a little drunk, but I also want pancakes (You know you are really drunk when you get pulled over by the Coast Guard)

There's only one drink I hate. Eggnog. How the heck did they think that one up?  Hmmm, I want to get a little drunk, but I also want pancakes. --Dave Attell

Drinking and driving. A lot of people say it’s wrong and I call these people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, these kids have got to get to school. --Dave Attell

I’m not proud of this but I have been pulled over for drunk driving. I was really drunk. You know you are really drunk when you get pulled over by the Coast Guard.  --Dave Attell

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He had to retract a claim that he had been under cannon fire from the Confederates (action star endorsements)

"Do you think this is a big deal? See, all candidates exaggerate. Remember when John McCain ran in 2000? Remember that? He had to retract a claim that he had been under cannon fire from the Confederates." --Jay Leno

"It's just getting worse for him. In the New York Post today, a former madam said that Eliot Spitzer would pay to watch other couples have sex. He would pay to watch other couples have sex. Well, that's something we don't have to worry about the new governor doing. We will finally be safe there." --Jay Leno

"Have you noticed all these action stars are now endorsing candidates? Like Mike Huckabee has Chuck Norris; Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger came out for John McCain; and today, Hillary Clinton picked up Janet Reno." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Willing to discuss dismantling systems of oppression (it was all about how nurses should have to look you in the eye during a sponge bath)

"Big story this week: Hillary was caught in a bit of a lie. When she was first lady, she went to Bosnia when it was war-torn. She said that she faced sniper fire -- never happened. And had to run to the car for cover -- never happened. If only she had channeled that active fantasy world into her marriage." --Bill Maher

"Whatever you think about Justice John Roberts, he is a serious jurist. His opinion ran 59 pages. Justice Ginsberg's opinion was 61 pages. The four dissenters, their opinion was 65 pages. Clarence Thomas -- 2 pages, and it was all about how nurses should have to look you in the eye during a sponge bath." –Bill Maher

 

"President Bush has arranged for al Qaeda to guard our ports. This is part of his new plan to fight them here so we don't have to fight them there." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Which shows there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44 percent (Iran? get in line)

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has canceled a trip to Greenland to return to Washington to deal with tensions with Iran. Iran? I didn't even know we were in tensions with Iran. All I knew was we were in the middle of a Constitutional crisis, a trade war with China is wreaking havoc on the stock market, North Korea is launching missiles, and all cable news is talking about is the freakin' royal baby. Iran? get in line. --Seth Meyers

This weekend was the Kentucky Derby with Nyquist coming in first, Exaggerator coming in second, and — this is crazy — Jeb coming in last. –Seth Meyers

Donald Trump announced today that if he wins the presidency, Chris Christie will lead his transition team and help put together the Trump administration. Because if there’s anything Christie knows how to do, it’s fill a cabinet. –Seth Meyers

"In the wake of the killing of Osama bin Laden President Obama's approval rating jumped to 56 percent, his highest in two years. Which shows there is literally nothing he can do to please the other 44 percent." –Seth Meyers

Today was National School Nurse Day, and if you want to know what they're getting, lice. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

10,000 monologue jokes (I Am National Nurses United)

February 2014

"We’ve done over 10,000 monologue jokes over the last five years. And in case you missed any of them, the best way I could summarize those jokes is that Joe Biden needed Obamacare after Anthony Weiner texted Justin Bieber a picture of Chris Christie dating a Kardashian on the Jersey Shore – with Rob Ford." –Jimmy Fallon

"Organizers for the Sochi Olympics have had trouble filling seats for the biathlon. This is because Vladimir Putin is warning people away from any event containing 'bi.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"There are rumors that the Russian government placed cameras in the hotel bathrooms in Sochi. Russia said, 'Don't worry, our cameras don't work either.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Today at the Winter Olympics, temperatures reached almost up to 60 degrees. In other words, the only thing higher than the temperature were the U.S. snowboarders." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

thank God this guy doesn’t work on a bomb squad (Flabby, Grabby and Stabby)

“Alan Dershowitz, especially, marks an interesting case because of his stance against Bill Clinton during his impeachment in the 90s, though he’s not one to admit he was ever misguided; he recently said on Anderson Cooper’s CNN show of his stance then versus now, ‘I wasn’t wrong, I am just far more correct now than I was then.’ That is one of the most original lines I have ever heard in my life. And that’s a great line for a lawyer, but thank God this guy doesn’t work on a bomb squad. ’Don’t worry, we’re not going to die, we’re just going to be less alive.’” —Trevor Noah

"Yesterday, the House Intelligence Committee released materials that they got from Lev Parnas, a Ukrainian businessman, that have been described as ‘a trove of ridiculously incriminating impeachment evidence.’ That’s pretty bad, because when it comes to Trump crime, the scale goes: incriminating, very incriminating, ridiculously incriminating and Rudy on merlot.” —Stephen Colbert

“Alan Dershowitz is one of the lawyers defending Trump at his impeachment trial. Dershowitz also defended Harvey Weinstein, O.J. Simpson and now Trump. Wow, think about that. Weinstein, O.J. and Trump. Flabby, Grabby and Stabby.” —Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Thank God that kind of thing could never happen in Washington (Back of the line, junior)

July 2013

"It's a great day for our friends in the U.K. There's a new royal baby. The royal family is delighted. Prince Harry popped some champagne and danced naked around the palace. Then he heard about the baby." –Craig Ferguson 

"The prince said what any proud family member would say: 'Back of the line, junior.'" –Craig Ferguson

"Detroit has become the largest city in U.S. history to file for bankruptcy. What happened was Detroit's population dropped something like 70 percent, but the government got bigger. The tax base got smaller, but the government got bigger. Thank God that kind of thing could never happen in Washington." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter (release their strategic bladder reserves)

October 2012

"I’d like to single out some heroes, like the nurses at NYU hospital. After the hospital generators failed, these nurses carried 20 newborns down nine flights of stairs while manually operating respirators. I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter." –Stephen Colbert

"The MTA reported that Sandy flooded seven subway tunnels under the East River, which means it could be weeks before they're able to restore the scent of urine. That's why I'm calling on New York drunks to head into the subway and release their strategic bladder reserves." –Stephen Colbert

"In a Romney administration, instead of depending on big government, you’d be rescued by private sector volunteers, like Paul Ryan, who will personally come to your devastated town and wash your already clean pots." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”