If that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years (I hope your day is as nice as your butt)

"Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?" –Conan O'Brien

"Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

There must be a cheaper way to find the worst people in Society (she asked her staff to schedule 15 seconds of smiling)

"Senator John McCain actually tweeted to Snooki from 'Jersey Shore,' an MTV program, after she complained about the tanning bed tax in the new health care law. But, unfortunately, Snooki never got the message because McCain tweeted it off his electric razor." –Jimmy Fallon

"Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey." –Jimmy Fallon

It's being reported that Hillary Clinton now has enough delegates to secure the Democratic nomination. Hillary was so excited when she found out she asked her staff to schedule 15 seconds of smiling. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He has been telling female co-workers their breasts are fair and balanced (foreign-sounding names)

Fox News said it will investigate multiple accusations against Bill O'Reilly for sexually harassing female co-workers. Apparently, for years O’Reilly has been telling female co-workers their breasts are "fair and balanced." –Conan O’Brien

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino from "Jersey Shore" is facing up to 15 years in prison on tax evasion charges. So basically, if you’re a reality star in this country and you don’t pay your taxes, we either put you in prison or make you President of the United States. –Conan O’Brien

"On Fox News, Donald Trump said Obama's birth certificate could indicate that he's a Muslim. Trump said he doesn't trust anyone with a foreign-sounding name, and neither does his daughter Ivanka." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets (in a way, haven't you already lost?)

"Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?" –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets." –Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

His grandson showed him how to use a bong (which explains why Goofy is missing all but two teeth)

A new study claims 1 in 50 men is unwittingly raising someone else’s child. I was shocked, and so was my son, "Rodrigo Garcia." –Conan O’Brien

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino from "Jersey Shore" is facing up to 15 years in prison on tax evasion charges. So basically, if you’re a reality star in this country and you don’t pay your taxes, we either put you in prison or make you President of the United States. –Conan O’Brien

DEA officials have seized 500 pounds of meth concealed inside Disney figurines, which explains why Goofy is missing all but two teeth. --Conan O’Brien

“Newt Gingrich said that Mitt Romney has no principles. In other words, he has given Romney his official endorsement.” –Conan O’Brien

Former House Speaker John Boehner has joined the board of a marijuana company and today he said his "thinking on cannabis has evolved." That can only mean really one thing: His grandson showed him how to use a bong. --Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

In a related story, Donald Trump has gone into hiding (So finally, some good news for Laker fans)

"Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican.

Long story short: She adopted him." –Conan O'Brien

Some scientists say it’s theoretically possible that there may be

a universe where time moves backwards. So finally, some good

news for Laker fans. –Conan O’Brien

"Next year's Super Bowl is already in the news. It takes place

in New Jersey. The NFL says it wants to prevent another

blackout. This one involves keeping Chris Christie away

from his microwave." –Conan O'Brien

"U.S. employers just added 157,000 jobs to the economy.

Of course, most of those were backup dancers for Beyoncé."

–Conan O'Brien

"A Justice Department memo claims that President Obama

has the right to order the assassination of an American

anywhere in the world. Isn't that crazy? In a related story,

Donald Trump has gone into hiding." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/02/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

10,000 monologue jokes (I Am National Nurses United)

February 2014

"We’ve done over 10,000 monologue jokes over the last five years. And in case you missed any of them, the best way I could summarize those jokes is that Joe Biden needed Obamacare after Anthony Weiner texted Justin Bieber a picture of Chris Christie dating a Kardashian on the Jersey Shore – with Rob Ford." –Jimmy Fallon

"Organizers for the Sochi Olympics have had trouble filling seats for the biathlon. This is because Vladimir Putin is warning people away from any event containing 'bi.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"There are rumors that the Russian government placed cameras in the hotel bathrooms in Sochi. Russia said, 'Don't worry, our cameras don't work either.'" –Conan O'Brien 

"Today at the Winter Olympics, temperatures reached almost up to 60 degrees. In other words, the only thing higher than the temperature were the U.S. snowboarders." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Or as the Mayans put it, 'So we were off by one day.' (Joe Biden was real excited to meet Spider-Man)

December 2012

"After three years and six seasons, the final episode of 'Jersey Shore' aired tonight. Or as the Mayans put it, 'So we were off by one day.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"There's a photo going around with President Obama playing with a staffer's son who's dressed as Spider-Man. Obama was like, 'Shouldn't you be fighting the Green Goblin?' And the kid was like, 'shouldn't you be working on the fiscal cliff?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The kid was really excited to meet the president, while Joe Biden was real excited to meet Spider-Man." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don't you? (two states legalizing weed)

December 2012

"Mitt Romney met Manny Pacquiao just before Pacquiao lost his boxing match to Juan Manuel Marquez. Afterwards, Romney told Pacquiao, 'You lost for the same reason I did – young Hispanics.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Mitt Romney, Snooki, and Steven Seagal were all spotted at the boxing match. The whole crowd was made up of people we won't remember in three years." – Conan O'Brien

"Today Wal-Mart announced that on apocalypse day they will open at midnight. I think the Mayan calendar is becoming too commercialized, don't you?" –David Letterman

"Did you see the big fight this weekend? It was the first time that Manny Pacquiao got knocked out. Mitt Romney came by to meet him and he actually said, 'Hello, Manny. I ran for president. I lost.' If that is not the world's worst pep talk, I don't know what is." –Jimmy Kimmel

"McDonald's reported today that it had better than expected sales in the month of November. Executives credit the success to increased advertising, new menu items, and two states legalizing weed." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets (in a way, haven't you already lost?)

August 2012

"Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic." –Conan O'Brien

"Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?" –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents (Heck!)

March 2012

“This weekend 71-year-old former Vice President Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents.” –Conan O'Brien

“Rick Santorum said you aren’t a real Republican until you’ve sworn at someone from The New York Times. Moments later a panicked Mitt Romney called the New York Times reception desk and said ‘Heck!’” –Conan O’Brien

“President Obama is getting tough on North Korea. This weekend President Obama warned Kim Jong Un that bad behavior will not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong Un asked, ‘So how do you explain a new season of ‘Jersey Shore.’” –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s The Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Over 2 million people meant to show up (but he could do it in 30 minutes or less)

October 2011

"It's the 24th day of the Occupy Wall Street protests, also known as the largest homeless slumber party in the world. Some protesters brought their kids to the demonstrations. Some of the kids got bored and decided to occupy Sesame Street instead." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Christopher Columbus was an Italian explorer who came to exploit our native population and infect them with smallpox. And 500 years later, we've exacted our revenge by sending Snooki to Italy." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Herman Cain compared his run for president to Moses leading his people out of Egypt. Cain said it took Moses 40 years to lead his people out of Egypt, but he could do it in 30 minutes or less." –Conan O'Brien

"California had its first medical marijuana job fair. Over 2 million people meant to show up." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A. (the cards come pre-addressed to your congressman)

September 2011

"President Obama's visit to Los Angeles has really messed up traffic. It took me two hours to get to work. Of course, I ride a little girl's bike to work." –Conan O'Brien

"Obama was heckled by someone who said, 'Don't forget about medical marijuana.' The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A." –Conan O'Brien 

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie vetoed a tax break for 'Jersey Shore.' The veto made Snooki so angry that she turned orange-red." –Conan O'Brien 

"Hallmark has launched a line of recession-themed cards that say, 'Sorry you lost your job.' The good news is, the cards come pre-addressed to your congressman." –Conan O'Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Because if a single human proves that America is asking for it, you're looking at him (You gotta believe in video tape)

 "You gotta love Sarah Palin. She is now on her website asking her idiot fan base for donations for her to help make a decision about whether or not to run. She wants money now for just thinking? What a grifter." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin's doppelganger, Michele Bachmann, they asked her at the debate about the HPV vaccine, which she said was potentially dangerous. She said, 'I didn't make that claim, nor did I make that statement. Which she obviously did, we have it. It's one thing to say you don't believe in evolution, you don't believe in global warming. But videotape? You gotta believe in video tape." –Bill Maher

"The next time you hear anyone say 'job creator,' I want you to picture [The Situation from Jersey Shore]. Yes, The Situation made $5 million dollars last year, and if he has to pay a little more in taxes, it won't mean he's creating fewer jobs. It will mean a tiny fraction of his money actually pays for the government that works to keep him alive. The EPA that contains his oil runoff. The Postal Service that delivers his body wax. The Bureau of Weights and Measures who weigh his dumbbells. The Centers for Disease Control that provides a steady supply of penicillin. And the military, who keep the Taliban away. Because if a single human proves that America is asking for it, you're looking at him." –Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family (Hit them at the source)

August 2011

"A new survey revealed that being an IT guy is the most hated job in the country. Or as President Obama put it, 'Wanna bet?'" –Jimmy Fallon

"The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text 'Burglar! Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to 'Burger, please. Hungry.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Michele Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Only 39 percent of Americans approve of the job President Obama is doing. Ratings are at an all-time low, but ratings for 'Jersey Shore' are at an all-time high." –Jimmy Kimmel

"If I were president, I would just pass a law against opinion polls. Hit them at the source." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Am I the only one who thinks that doesn't sound so bad? (Why don't we just give them Florida?)

August 2011

"The United States' credit rating was downgraded to AA+. Am I the only one who thinks that doesn't sound so bad?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don't we just give them Florida?" –Jimmy Kimmel

"President Obama said that even though we've been downgraded, we're still a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense." –Jimmy Kimmel 

"A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Wall Street got so hammered today Ronnie and The Situation tried to have sex with it." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Then things got really ugly when... (I had no idea the Pope even had a hot tub)

August 2011

"Several Fox News hosts criticized 'Spongebob Squarepants' for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see 'Dora the Explorer's' immigration papers." –Conan O'Brien

"The whole 4th season of 'Jersey Shore' takes place in Italy. I had no idea the Pope even had a hot tub." –Conan O'Brien

"It is completely inappropriate for the president to turn a year older when the nation is in crisis." –Stephen Colbert

"I say we live our lives the way our founding fathers intended: four-feet tall, crippled with rickets until we die of old age at 28." –Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

I'm not saying Sarah Palin's movie is a bomb... (the condition is called living in New Jersey)

July 2011

"Sean Hannity said liberals are ‘so vicious, so mean, and so cruel, and I don't hear this coming from conservatives about liberals.’ You don't? That is, if I may say, some of the most free-range, organically grown disingenuous, ideologically marinated, un-self-awareness I've ever seen in the wild." —Jon Stewart

"Economists are worried if we fall into default "the good name of the United States" would suffer in the eyes of the world. Oh, shut up. We lost that fight the day we sent the cast of "Jersey Shore" to Italy." –Jay Leno

"After two weeks in the theaters, the documentary about Sarah Palin called 'Undefeated' ...not doing well...barely made $100,000. I'm not saying Sarah Palin's movie is a bomb, but today Al Qaeda tried to take credit." –Jay Leno

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital when he felt he couldn't breathe. Doctors said the condition is called 'living in New Jersey.'" –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

sell the country to Exxon Mobil (Cocaine Tooth Drops)

"Due to the budget impasse, the federal government may shut down next week. There will be another season of 'Jersey Shore,' but the U.S. government is still up in the air." –Conan O'Brien

"Glenn Beck has announced that he is leaving his show on Fox News this year. Even more surprising is that he's leaving to marry his life-partner, Abdul Gonzales." –Conan O'Brien

"If Congress can't agree on a budget by midnight Friday, the government will shut down. Democrats are demanding to tax all of the people's money and use it to fund abortions, while the Republicans want to sell the country to Exxon Mobil and relocate gays to Puerto Rico." –Jimmy Kimmel

"All government services may be shut down next week, which could really make the DMV inconvenient." –Jimmy Kimmel

"A lot of public beaches may also be shut down, which could severely whiten John Boehner." –Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Let's judge Joe Biden on his record (they're sniffing drugs all day)

"Illinois officials report that drug sniffing dogs are wrong as much as 70 percent of the time — probably because they're sniffing drugs all day." –Jay Leno

"California Congresswoman Lynn Woolsey referred to the war in Afghanistan as a 'national embarrassment.' Then she watched the premiere of 'Jersey Shore' and was like, 'Never mind.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin's reality show will not be returning as she contemplates a possible run for president in 2012. When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States." –Jay Leno

"Police are looking for a man in Phoenix who robbed a bank and told the teller he wanted the money in twenties, forties and sixties. Authorities believe he could be one of President Obama's economic advisers." –Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”