I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire b*st*rds making money off human pain (Who knew George Bush was an alien)

"The republicans shouldn’t be so sad, the Supreme Court also had a ruling this week that was somewhat in their favor. In the Arizona immigration case they did rule that the police can consider you suspicious down there if you have significant difficulty communicating in English. Who knew George Bush was an alien." –Bill Maher

"If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire b*st*rds making money off human pain.'" --Bill Maher

"Whatever you think about Justice John Roberts, he is a serious jurist. His opinion ran 59 pages. Justice Ginsberg's opinion was 61 pages. The four dissenters, their opinion was 65 pages. Clarence Thomas -- 2 pages, and it was all about how nurses should have to look you in the eye during a sponge bath." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Willing to discuss dismantling systems of oppression (it was all about how nurses should have to look you in the eye during a sponge bath)

"Big story this week: Hillary was caught in a bit of a lie. When she was first lady, she went to Bosnia when it was war-torn. She said that she faced sniper fire -- never happened. And had to run to the car for cover -- never happened. If only she had channeled that active fantasy world into her marriage." --Bill Maher

"Whatever you think about Justice John Roberts, he is a serious jurist. His opinion ran 59 pages. Justice Ginsberg's opinion was 61 pages. The four dissenters, their opinion was 65 pages. Clarence Thomas -- 2 pages, and it was all about how nurses should have to look you in the eye during a sponge bath." –Bill Maher

 

"President Bush has arranged for al Qaeda to guard our ports. This is part of his new plan to fight them here so we don't have to fight them there." --Bill Maher

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

It was really just a potluck that got out of hand (Are we supposed to believe that was a coincidence?)

June 2022

“Members of The Late Show production team were detained while filming near the U.S. Capitol last week. My staff was in Washington to shoot Triumph the Insult Comic Dog interviewing members of Congress about the January 6th hearings. Triumph is a bipartisan puppy. He’s so neutral, he’s neutered. My staff were all detained, processed and released. A very unpleasant experience for my staff, a lot of paperwork for the Capitol Police, but a fairly simple story — until the next night, when a couple of the TV people started claiming that my puppet squad had committed insurrection at the U.S. Capitol building. This was first-degree puppetry; this was high jinks with intent to goof; misappropriation of an old Conan’ bit.” —Stephen Colbert

“The Capitol Police are much more cautious than they were, say, 18 months ago, and for a very good reason. If you don’t know what that reason is, I know what news network you watch.” —Stephen Colbert

“After all, Thursday night, the night they were detained, was the 50th anniversary of the Watergate break-in. Are we supposed to believe that was a coincidence? Yes.” —Stephen Colbert

“As the committee will detail, the Trump administration planned to send fake electors from the states Biden won to the declare themselves the ‘real’ electors, via false electoral college certificates. Did they really think that was going to work? Why not just have the former president show up to the inauguration in a rubber Joe Biden mask and try to fool Justice Roberts into swearing him in again?” —Stephen Colbert

“Trump also tried to downplay his failed coup, by referring to January 6th in his speech as a ‘simple protest that got out of hand’, and complained that people ignored ‘the size of the crowd – I believe that it was the largest number of people I’ve ever spoken to.’ Who cares about the size of the damn crowd! That’s like Jeffrey Dahmer saying ‘I know I murdered a bunch of people, but look how many leftovers I have. It was really just a potluck that got out of hand.’” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Nobody on the Titanic was complaining about icebergs when they left the harbor (Become the squirrel)

May 2022

“Right-wing politicians and television networks responded to the news of the leak of a draft Supreme Court ruling overturning Roe v. Wade this week by focusing not on the content of the leak, but on revealing the identity of the leaker. How will they ever recover from this breach of their personal privacy? Maybe Samuel Alito can start wearing a shirt that says, ‘My judicial body, my choice.’” —Seth Meyers

“And how do you know it’s a liberal? It could have just as easily been a conservative — [coughs] Ginni Thomas [coughs] — who leaked the opinion to freeze the majority in place and stop the chief justice, John Roberts, from trying to convince one of the other court’s conservatives to soften their stance. I have no idea, but the fact that they’re all freaking out about the leak instead of celebrating the victory is telling. It underscores yet again that even at the height of their powers, these people always have to play the victim. If they won a free car on ‘Wheel of Fortune,’ they’d immediately start whining: ‘But I already have two cars in my garage — I don’t have space for a brand-new Stingray. This is so unfair!’” —Seth Meyers

“Yes, a left-wing Antifa law clerk trying to sabotage the court, or a right-wing MAGA head trying to lock the decision in place. Or maybe it was the butler. It’s always the butler.” —Trevor Noah

“Many people are horrified, not that women and half the country would lose their rights over their own bodies, but rather that this information got leaked. Which is weird. It’s like running around the deck of the Titanic trying to find out who yelled ‘We’re sinking!’ instead of focusing on the iceberg.” —Trevor Noah

“But while everyone on regular cable channels was playing the least horny version of Knives Out, Newsmax had already cracked the case by blaming, with zero evidence, recently appointed justice Ketanji Brown Jackson. Look at you, using the tried and true investigative technique of ‘The black person did it!’” —Trevor Noah

“As usual, Fox News was committed to not reporting the news, and instead reporting spin that the leaked draft was somehow a win for Democrats. To quote former Trump adviser and Fox News pundit Kellyanne Conway: ‘It’s very curious to me that the Democrats weren’t talking about it until today.’ Typically people wait until something happens to talk about it. Nobody on the Titanic was complaining about icebergs when they left the harbor.” —Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He is our most important judge right after Simon Cowell (They must work 135,000 times harder than you)

 

"President Bush got back tonight from his very brief trip to Europe. Boy, remember the old days when it used to take longer than two days to visit all of our allies?" --Jay Leno

"Happy Birthday to our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old. You can tell he's getting up there. Remember when he used to say things like, 'I'll be back'? Now he says, 'Ow, my back.'" --Jay Leno

 

"Remember 20 years ago, 'Baby Jessica'? She was the little baby who was rescued after falling in a well. Huge story. She's almost 21 now and will soon be getting a million dollars from the funds set up with donations when she fell down the well. She's getting a million dollars. In a related story, earlier today,  Senator John McCain threw himself down a well." --Jay Leno

"A scary incident yesterday for the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts. Luckily, he's okay. He collapsed to the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right. For the young people, do you know who John Roberts is? He is our most important judge right after Simon Cowell." --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Here are the funds for your Death Star, Lord Trump (I wondered how my parents ever did it)

June 2012

"There's talk that if Jennifer Lopez leaves "American Idol" they're going to bring back Paula Abdul. Insiders say Paula was chosen over Chief Justice John Roberts, who producers felt was too unpredictable." –Jay Leno 

"Vice President Joe Biden made a sex joke during his speech yesterday, referring to the house he grew up in. They didn't have much and Biden said, 'The walls were very thin and I wondered how my parents ever did it.' Do you get the feeling every time Joe Biden speaks, President Obama wishes Biden's parents never really did do it?" –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Who knew George Bush was an alien (to look you in the eye during a sponge bath)

June 2012

"Sarah Palin said, 'Obama lies, freedom dies.' And then she and Todd got on their snowmobile, road across the tundra, shooting anything they want with a machine gun.' But freedom is dead." –Bill Maher

"What was really so hard for the conservatives to swallow was that Justice John Roberts was the one that did this. Gotta give it up to Justice John Roberts, that was a very studly move he made. But boy, for the conservatives, he was their hero. This is like they threw a big surprise party for their dad and they found him in bed with a black guy." –Bill Maher

"Whatever you think about Justice John Roberts, he is a serious jurist. His opinion ran 59 pages. Justice Ginsberg's opinion was 61 pages. The four dissenters, their opinion was 65 pages. Clarence Thomas -- 2 pages, and it was all about how nurses should have to look you in the eye during a sponge bath." –Bill Maher

"They shouldn’t be so sad, the Supreme Court also had a ruling this week that was somewhat in their favor. In the Arizona immigration case they did rule that the police can consider you suspicious down there if you have significant difficulty communicating in English. Who knew George Bush was an alien." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Top 3 Reasons Why Cannabis Is Illegal (the State of the Confederacy)

“As you saw, the president stood before a joint session of Congress to deliver the State of the Confederacy — I mean Union. And the speech was exactly what you might expect from Donald Trump and a teleprompter: Not a great fit. It was a self-congratulatory speech. In the first 10 minutes, Trump used the word ‘I’ more than all of LensCrafters does in a whole year.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“First, they introduced the Supreme Court justices, led by John Roberts, who is still working double duty overseeing the impeachment trial. Yet another American forced to work two jobs in Trump’s economy.” —Stephen Colbert

“One of the funnier interactions, or lack thereof tonight, was Mike Pence and Nancy Pelosi standing side by side, not talking to each other for the whole time, which was kind of rude on his part because she tried really hard to make him president.” —Jimmy Kimmel

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

What is it that makes Donald Trump so innocent and handsome? (Does this look infected to you?)

“It can be anything they want, as long as they write it down. For instance, Senator Capito asked, ‘When did Ukraine learn that the aid was frozen?’ Senator Peters asked, ‘Does impeachment require a criminal violation?’ And Ted Cruz asked, ‘Does this look infected to you?’” —Trevor Noah

“The whole process makes no sense. If the senators have a question, why not let them ask the question? Or if chief justice is going to have to read it out, then he should at least have to do an impression of the senator who asked the question. Then it makes it fun.” —Trevor Noah

“For most of the day, senators just asked questions to their own side that gave them another chance to repeat their talking points. Democrats asked, ‘Donald Trump is guilty, isn’t he?’ And Republicans asked, ‘What is it that makes Donald Trump so innocent and handsome?’” —Trevor Noah

“It got awkward when Roberts was like, ‘O.K., next question: Why is John Roberts such a wang? Oh come on, guys, grow up!’” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

they’re going to have to take a party bus to the trial (it will be just like flying Southwest)

“Lev Parnas said everyone in Trump’s inner circle knew what was going on. Mike Pence, John Bolton, the attorney general, William Barr — probably even Kanye knew what was going on.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“So many people are involved, they’re going to have to take a party bus to the trial.” —Trevor Noah

“Chief Justice John Roberts and his members of the Senate took an oath to remain completely impartial during the impeachment trial. Yeah, then they all laughed for four hours.” —Conan O’Brien

“The last time this happened, no one had phones. So this time, senators will not be allowed to use their phones during the trial, and they will have to stand when they cast votes, which is a big deal because, well, for a lot of these senators, this will be the first time they’ve ever stood for anything.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Yep, during the entire trial, senators will have to remain in their seats. And if they’re also refused food and water, it will be just like flying Southwest.” —Jimmy Fallon

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Monsters of Constitutional Enforcement/a giant bag of cash/Project Mockingbird

“If the House passes the articles of impeachment against Trump, which seems all but certain given the Democratic majority, then impeachment will move to a trial held in the Senate and presided over by Chief Justice John Roberts. The Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell, who would schedule the trial, has not indicated when the trial will be held or how long the trial will last, but he did announce that the verdict will be not guilty.” --Jimmy Kimmel

Trump got off easy only being charged with two articles of impeachment. Remember, the guy also obstructed justice in the Mueller probe, violated the constitution by enriching himself, inflicted human rights abuses on migrant children and directed an illegal scheme to pay hush money to cover up an affair. It’s not even hard to find the crimes with this guy. It’s like a Where’s Waldo? where Waldo is right in the middle of the map with a giant bag of cash in one hand and giving you the finger with the other one.” --Seth Meyers

“I’m glad we’re moving forward on impeachment, because we’re at a weird point. It’s like the set break at a concert. Right now, we’re just milling around hitting up the merch table deciding if 80 bucks is too much to pay for a Monsters of Constitutional Enforcement tour T-shirt.” --Stephen Colbert

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html

“A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. 

A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

they claim the eyes in the Cheney portrait actually move (There goes Dick Cheney's retirement)

"President Barack Obama has also signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney's retirement, huh? What is he supposed to do now?" --Jay Leno

"Happy birthday to Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts. There was an awkward moment at the big party they had in Roberts' office today when he screwed up the words to 'Happy Birthday.'" --David Letterman

"How about the Obama family in the White House? Have you seen them? The kids? The Obama girls love living in the White House. They think it's fantastic. There was just one complaint that the girls had about living in the White House. They claim that there's a portrait of Dick Cheney on the wall, and they claim the eyes in that portrait actually move." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh? (War Sheep)

"The official temperature at the Obama inauguration was 18 degrees. John McCain said it was so cold his teeth were chattering, and they were in his pocket at the time." --Jay Leno

"You all heard about that, how Justice John Roberts screwed up the oath of office. Then, the other night, Roberts went to the White House, and they did it over again, which is completely unprecedented. That's never happened. Not messing up the oath, having someone in government actually go back and fix something." --Jay Leno

"Al Qaeda has unleashed a stream of verbal attacks against President Obama, calling him names and saying his policies will all end in failure. Well, who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh?" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

just a second before he takes over, the Republicans get one last screw up in there (Boobs)

"Two million people attended the Obama inauguration, compared to less than 500,000 when Bush was inaugurated four years ago. But that makes sense because four years ago, you know, people had jobs to go to." --Jay Leno

"And there was a stumbling during the reading of the oath, when the chief justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts, forgot the words for a second and then he got them in the wrong order. See, how typical is that? Barack, just a second before he takes over, the Republicans get one last screw up in there." --Jay Leno

"Oh actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington, whose speech was just a couple minutes long, which makes sense because, remember, George Washington couldn't tell a lie, right?" --Jay Leno

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

Hold on, is Sen. Rubio "Regular-Sized Marco?" (that's exactly why Ford pardoned Nixon)

Now, I seem to remember Trump saying one or two bad things about Muslims during the campaign. But in his decision, Chief Justice Roberts sets aside Trump's anti-Muslim statements while finding the ban itself falls within the president's authority. Well, sure, if you set aside everything he said, it's legal! That's like a lawyer saying, "My client is innocent, Your Honor, as long as you set aside the bloody knife he was holding while he screamed, 'I love me some murderin'!'" --Stephen Colbert

In fact, the ruling says that statements made during a campaign may not be legally determinative. So, the things he said during the campaign may not be true? Wait, does that mean he's NOT Making America Great? Hold on, is Sen. Rubio "Regular-Sized Marco?" --Stephen Colbert

"Paris Hilton is going to prison. Paris Hilton's fans have contacted Governor Schwarzenegger to ask for a pardon for Paris Hilton. The reason they want the governor to pardon Paris Hilton is because she brings beauty and excitement to their lives. There's a precedent for this -- that's exactly why Ford pardoned Nixon." --David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

He is our most important judge right after Simon Cowell (that seems sexist to me)

"Man, it was hot today. It was so hot today, Hillary spoke before the Senate topless. This is such a stupid story. The Washington Post has criticized Senator Hillary Clinton for showing cleavage while speaking in front of the Senate. See, that seems sexist to me. They've never gone after Senator Ted Kennedy for doing the exact same thing." --Jay Leno

"A scary incident yesterday for the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts. Luckily, he's okay. He collapsed to the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right. For the young people, do you know who John Roberts is? He is our most important judge right after Simon Cowell." --Jay Leno

    

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulsecollectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

He's now busy defending his much younger wife (showing too much cleavage)

"Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts was released from the hospital after he suffered a seizure. It's the second time he's had a seizure. He's doing fine. But, as a precaution, when he returns to the Supreme Court, he will now have a robe that opens in the back." --Jay Leno

"Potential Republican candidate -- he hasn't declared yet, but a lot of people think he's going to run -- Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, Senator Fred Thompson said that all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he's been showing too much cleavage." --Conan O'Brien

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulsecollectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

That's the same problem Michael Jackson's people have (prone to illegal searches)

"Elizabeth Edwards is speaking out again. [She's] a little upset. She said the problem with her husband John Edwards' fundraising -- you know, compared to the other candidates -- is she can't make him black and she can't make him a woman. That's the same problem Michael Jackson's people have." --Jay Leno

"Supreme Court Justice John Roberts is back on the bench, even though he is prone to seizures. When President Bush heard this, he said, 'That's great 'cause I'm prone to illegal searches.'" --Jay Leno

     

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html #JohnHulsecollectedpoems #Bernie2020 #repealreplacerepublicans

It’s basically Game of Thrones for your mom

At a track meet last weekend, a 100-year-old woman won a gold medal in her age group in the 100-meter dash. Her opponents dropped out of the race in 1987. –Conan O’Brien

Ryan Lochte and former Gov. Rick Perry will appear on this season’s “Dancing with the Stars.” The theme of this season is “Dumb.” –Conan O’Brien

Today “Dancing with the Stars” has revealed the cast for its upcoming 23rd season. If you’re not familiar with “Dancing with the Stars,” it’s basically “Game of Thrones” for your mom. –James Corden

I can hardly wait until Trump announces his celebrity cabinet

"The issue of gay marriage has reached the Supreme Court and observers are analyzing every detail to predict how each justice will vote. Experts say Chief Justice John Roberts is likely to rule in favor of gay marriage based on the fact that he spent Tuesday's hearings watching the Tony Award nominations." –David Letterman



"Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me. I can hardly wait until Trump announces his celebrity cabinet." –David Letterman