I'm lean and I'm mean and I'm King of the Jungle! (Screw you! I've been sick!)

A lion walks up to a zebra and says,

"Hey zebra! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're black, you're white, you're half mule

and half donkey.

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

The zebra shrugs off the insult and walks on...

The lion then comes upon a giraffe and says,

"Hey, giraffe! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You gotta long neck and tiny antlers on the top

of your head!

Look at me. I'm lean and I'm mean.

I'm King of the Jungle!"

Finally, the lion comes upon a frog and says,

"Hey, frog! You are a ridiculous looking animal!

You're green and you're slimy.."

Before the lion could finish his next sentence

the frog says,

"Screw you! I've been sick!"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916 (Geoffrey's Toy Box)

This month, the world’s oldest person will turn 117, and she says she eats two raw eggs every day. When asked what she wants for her birthday, she said, “A skillet. I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916.” –Jimmy Fallon

I read that Toys"R"Us may be relaunching as a new store, called "Geoffrey's Toy Box." I guess executives were like, "How can we make ourselves sound more like a male strip club?" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

every show has a four wife minimum (it's your fault for not voting properly)

Major comedians are being slammed for taking money from Saudi Arabia to perform at the Riyadh Comedy Festival. The royals over there love it, even though every show has a four wife minimum. — Greg Gutfeld 

Kelly Ripa had to reach down into her cleavage after a microphone fell down there on air. A similar incident happened to Anna Navarro, but while retrieving it, they discovered three illegals. — Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Things are so rough, Uncle Sam is already selling feet pics (I got your back)

“But you know what? Maybe this is a good thing, you know? The government hasn’t been working that great lately. Who knows why? Maybe — maybe somebody got the government wet, you know? Let’s unplug it for a while, plug it back in, see if it reboots. If that doesn’t work, maybe toss it in a bag of rice. Leave it there for a couple hours. If that doesn’t work, we’ll just throw it away and buy a new one with a better camera and a functioning president.” — Stephen Colbert

“Services are closed, federal workers are going without pay. Things are so rough, Uncle Sam is already selling feet pics.” — Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That’s what GoFundMe is for (cross it deliberately)

The U.S. government shutdown for the first time since 2018 on Wednesday. I thought the worst thing that could happen this week was when Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban broke up. If two hot Australians with the same face can’t make it work, then what hope is there for the rest of us?” — Ronny Chieng

“Look, this is the classic dispute between the parties. Democrats say that the government should help pay for health care, and Republicans say, ‘That’s what GoFundMe is for.’” — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, congrats, general. When are you due? (slide into an ex’s DMs)

Secretary of War Pete Hegseth addressed senior military leaders at a summit on Tuesday. But you know, I’m sure if the secretary is going to gather all the generals, some of them from active war zones, then he must have something very important he wants to tell them. Listen, we all do weird things when we’re drunk, OK? Some of us slide into an ex’s DMs, and some of us call every U.S. general to a meeting at Quantico. — Ronny Chieng

During his address, Hegseth lectured the audience about the importance of proper athleticism and grooming standards, saying, “It’s tiring to look out at combat formations, or really any formation, and see fat troops. Likewise, it’s completely unacceptable to see fat generals and admirals in the halls of the Pentagon.” That’s what you dragged all these generals in for? To tell them they’re fat? Couldn’t you just leave passive aggressive comments on their Instagram? Like, ‘Hey, congrats, general. When are you due?’ — Ronny Chieng

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Get that s*** under control (the climactic softball game in the Home Depot parking lot)

Disney spent a quarter of a billion dollars on their lesbian version of Star Wars, which flopped. Evidently, fans weren't impressed by the climactic softball game in the Home Depot parking lot. —Greg Gutfeld

In California, a single woman is renting billboard space to advertise herself to potential husbands. Marriage experts say it's a great way to find a wife who knows how to waste money. —Greg Gutfeld

A 13-year-old boy reportedly survived a 720 mile flight hiding in a plane's landing gear. After hearing the news, a Spirit Airlines executive said, "I wonder how much we can charge for that.” —Greg Gutfeld

Congresswoman Pramila Jayapal continued to call ICE terrorists and accuse them of kidnapping. As a child, she had no worries about kidnapping since she was often mistaken for a bag of nickels. —Greg Gutfeld

Pregnant women have been posting videos of themselves taking Tylenol after Trump said there's a link between the pain reliever and autism. Wow. I hope Trump will link autism with doing the dishes. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

highly doable condition (noodle package)

No one was hurt, everyone’s fine, but over the weekend, Leonardo DiCaprio and his model girlfriend were in a fender bender. DiCaprio and his girlfriend are being listed in highly doable condition. –Conan O’Brien

It’s been reported that the biggest currency in prison now is not cigarettes, but ramen. Just make sure to clarify the next time your cellmate asks to hold your noodle package. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

He followed that up of course with his latest hit, Do You Think I'm Breathing? (cross it deliberately)

Today is the last day of Pride Month. Thank God. Now I can go back to banging chicks. —Greg Gutfeld

80-year-old Rod Stewart performed at the Glastonbury Music Festival with a rousing rendition of Do You Think I’m Sexy? He followed that up of course with his latest hit, Do You Think I'm Breathing? —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Their advice, introduce yourself to as many people as possible (two cakes)

The richest girl in the world, billionaire Athina Onassis celebrated her 10th birthday this week. What's it like to be the richest girl in the world? Well to give you some idea, at the party they had two cakes. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

A new FBI study shows that for the first time Americans are more likely to be killed by a stranger than a loved one or acquaintance. Their advice, introduce yourself to as many people as possible. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

In a brilliant move during closing arguments the O.J. Simpson Attorney, Johnnie Cochran, put on the knit cap prosecutors say OJ wore the night he committed the murders. Although OJ may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out, “Hey easy with that! That's my lucky stabbing hat!” --Norm Macdonald, SNL

The American Academy of Pediatrics has released an updated list of unsafe baby products. Topping the list this year is the really really really really high chair. --Norm Macdonald, SNL

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

You think I wished for a 10 inch pianist? (hippie wishing stone)

A businessman is drinking alone at a bar. A gentleman pulls up at the stool next

to him, places a large briefcase on the bar, and orders a double.

The two men chat as they drink and, as they approach the bottoms of their glasses, the gentleman says, "Say, I've got a deal for you. I'll bet you $100 that I've got a tiny piano player in this bag that can pound out a Mozart sonata.”

The businessman laughs. "I'll take that bet!"

The two men pull hundred dollar bills from their wallets and slap them on the bar. The gentleman opens his bag and, lo and behold, there IS a tiny grand piano inside. At it sits a tiny piano player, who nods to the gentleman before launching into a beautiful Mozart sonata.

“Extraordinary!" says the businessman. "Where in the world did you get that little guy?"

The gentleman smirks and places a round black stone on the bar. "An old woman gave me this hippie wishing stone. Give it a try if you want."

The businessman touches the stone and says, "I wish for a million bucks!"

Suddenly there's a deafening quacking as ducks begin to stream through the bar door.

“Hey, I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

The gentleman shrugs, "You think I wished for a 10 inch pianist?"

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'd rather light a stick and have my roommates wake up with false hopes (they're complicit)

I was at a casino standing by the door and a security guy came over to me and said you're gonna have to move you're blocking the fire exit. As though if there was a fire I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit. --Mitch Hedberg

I like cinnamon rolls, that's why I wish they made like a cinnamon roll incense. Because I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick and have my roommates wake up with false hopes. --Mitch Hedberg

I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunchmeat section for too long you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Somebody needs to tell the turkeys, man just be yourself. --Mitch Hedberg

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Welcome to the Internet, grandpa (George W. Bush comedy material)

"President Obama finally has his own personal Twitter account. Even John McCain said, 'Welcome to the Internet, grandpa.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"George W. Bush gave a commencement speech at Southern Methodist University this weekend. It was pretty inspirational. He said, 'As I like to tell the 'C' students, you too can be president.' Even George W. Bush has George W. Bush comedy material in his act." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Greatest. Bouncy House. EVER. (nah, not feeling it)

Strong winds in California recently caused a bouncy house with a child in it to be blown from a backyard and onto a nearby highway. Authorities say the child is OK, and the child said, “Greatest. Bouncy House. EVER.” --Seth Meyers

President Trump this weekend retweeted a post suggesting that he have two years added to his term in order to make up for the time taken up by the Russia investigation, and to make up for the time he's spent playing golf, he'll need at least an additional decade. --Seth Meyers

Police in Ohio recently arrested a man for allegedly stealing meat from a supermarket after catching him with steak in his pants. The steak was visible, because he only hid it medium well. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

We need it for our bongs (My Bad)

Here in California, we are in the middle of a very serious drought. Our governor imposed permanent water conservation rules and said this drought might not ever end. Well, not with that attitude, it won't. Water is a precious resource in California. We need it for our bongs. –Jimmy Kimmel

"The title of Bush's memoir is 'Decision Points." It narrowly edged out his original title, which was 'My Bad.'" –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

He's using a ghost moron (add more weights)

"And a lot of people thought that Miss California lost the contest when she said she was opposed to gay marriage. So, apparently, she forgot who the audience is who watches beauty pageants." --Jay Leno

"Down in Texas Thursday is the opening of the George Bush Presidential Library and Think Tank. I think he's in the shallow end." –Jay Leno

"Levi Johnston is now writing a book about the Palin family. He's not writing it himself. He's using a ghost moron." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Elon Musk is calling it fake news (dolls)

Khloe Kardashian's disgusted that her ex-boyfriend owns a sex doll that looks like her. Meanwhile the sex doll is disgusted because people say she looks like Khloe Kardashian. —Greg Gutfeld

According to a new study the number of women in the US choosing not to have kids has doubled within the last two decades. Elon Musk is calling it fake news. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”