the Secret Service code name for Joe Biden (I'm on my way, said Bill Clinton)

On Monday night, a player nicknamed the Big Dumper won the Home Run Derby. Coincidentally, Big Dumper was the Secret Service code name for Joe Biden. —Greg Gutfeld

And finally, a strange new hole has appeared in Yellowstone National Park. Strange new hole. I'm on my way, said Bill Clinton. —Greg Gutfeld

Now, Trump just had the greatest start to a presidency in history. I haven't seen anything come out of the gate this fast since Joy Behar won the Kentucky Derby. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I get the hint, Charles! (a bottle of wine and a straw)

And Teacher Appreciation Day is a great time to give your teacher a card or an apple or what they really deserve — a bottle of wine and a straw. --Jimmy Fallon

This week, the emperor of Japan is giving up the throne. If you want to know more, just read the 50 articles about it that Prince Charles taped to the Queen's fridge. "I get the hint, Charles!" --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

unless, you know, you’re feeling like an omelet (the world series of poker)

Elon Musk dresses like the first person eliminated from the world series of poker. —Jimmy Kimmel

“I tried something a little different this year. I set my clocks ahead four years. It didn’t work.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“When asked by reporters yesterday aboard Air Force One about the possibility of a recession, President Trump said that his tariffs will make the U.S. ‘so rich, you’re not going to know where to spend all that money’ — unless, you know, you’re feeling like an omelet.” — Seth Meyers

“During a Fox News interview, President Trump declined to rule out the possibility that his economic policies could cause a recession. Trump was, like, ‘Depends if we use my economic policies from this morning or this afternoon.’” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess that means neither got a ring (The last thing you want is teachers getting pregnant)

Travis Kelce didn't propose to Taylor Swift on the their recent romantic getaway. I guess that means neither got a ring. —Greg Gutfeld

Parents in Maryland are outraged at a new bill that would make condoms available in school vending machines. I get it. The last thing you want is teachers getting pregnant. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I totaled your car but I saved your floor mats (Even people who lost their homes now say it was worth it)

Joe Biden claimed he created 17 million new jobs without mentioning that the pandemic wiped out 22 million. So under him we lost 5 million jobs. That's like saying I totaled your car but I saved your floor mats. —Greg Gutfeld     

                                                                                        

Meanwhile nearly 200 paintings by Hunter Biden have been destroyed in the LA fires. Even people who lost their homes now say it was worth it. —Greg Gutfeld                  

A New York City gym teacher is accused of sticking his penis into a Lysol container while standing in front of his class. I know that is something you never expect to see in a New York City classroom. Lysol. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands (Dances to Gaga)

"In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga." –Conan O'Brien

A new bar in London specializes in something called "breathable booze." As we called that growing up in my house, standing next to uncle Patrick for five minutes. –Conan O’Brien

"A high school in Arkansas is letting teachers carry concealed weapons. So now when students want to ask a question, they raise both hands." –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Well excuse me, for having enormous flaws that I don't work on! (Cool, they already took the wrappers off these)

Thousands of people across the country went skinny dipping this weekend in an attempt to break the 2009 world record of 13,648 skinny dippers. Then the sharks said, “Cool, they already took the wrappers off these.” –Jimmy Fallon

"Scotland announced that it will legalize gay marriage. I don't know what's bigger news, that Scotland did that or that a country where guys wear plaid skirts didn't already have gay marriage." –Jimmy Fallon

But Teacher Appreciation Day is very special. It's the one day each year when we tell our teachers that there's no one we're prouder of, and our teachers are like, "There's no one OF WHOM you're prouder." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Even crazier, they said that before Jeb dropped out (a bottle of wine and a straw)

And Teacher Appreciation Day is a great time to give your teacher a card or an apple or what they really deserve — a bottle of wine and a straw. --Jimmy Fallon

"Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies." –Jimmy Fallon

I saw that former presidents George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush announced that they will not endorse anyone in the 2016 presidential race. Even crazier, they said that before Jeb dropped out. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

When have you ever said something like that about somebody and then changed your mind? (It was four, but OJ died)

Hello, I’m Martin Short and I’ll be taking over as guest host of Jimmy’s show for the week while he’s on vacation. Jimmy isn’t here, but was he ever really? There was always something missing behind his eyes. But Jimmy needs a break – if there’s anyone who deserves the summer off after working hard all year, it’s talkshow hosts and teachers, in that order. —Martin Short

I guess Jimmy would begin his monologue talking about Donald Trump. I guess you can’t go to Outback Steakhouse without ordering the Bloomin’ Onion. Trump has said he is close to naming his running mate, having narrowed down the field to three people. It was four, but OJ died. —Martin Short

What a choice Trump has in his tiny little hands. The first pick is Doug Burgum, governor of North Dakota, who sounds like the name of your most annoying co-worker. Then there’s Senator Marco Rubio of Florida, who once called Trump a con artist. Or should we go to doormat No 3, Ohio senator JD Vance, who said he thought Trump was either a cynical asshole like Nixon or America’s Hitler. When have you ever said something like that about somebody and then changed your mind? —Martin Short

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Just think how well you'd learn without PANTS on! (General Tso's Motors)

A new study found that students who learn without any shoes on get better grades than students who wear shoes. Then the University of Phoenix Online said, “Just think how well you'd learn without PANTS on!" –Jimmy Fallon

"As part of their restructuring plan, General Motors is selling off an entire division to a Chinese company. The new division will be called General Tso's Motors." --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't think you understood what I said (workers are already busy waxing the rainforest)

Today is National Teacher Appreciation Day. It’s a special day when we Americans show our gratitude to teachers in any form but money. –Conan O’Brien

Plans are underway to build an erotic theme park in Brazil called “ErotikaLand.” In fact, Brazilian workers are already busy waxing the rainforest. –Conan O’Brien

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says she is confident that fake news will not harm her chances in Germany’s election. In fact, Merkel is so confident she’s going to win, she’s not even going to campaign in Wisconsin. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

now it’s what Joe Biden needs when he reaches the top of the stairs (struggling to regain their consciousness)

"President Obama met with the Republicans for seven hours. And he was very patient with them. He praised them when it was appropriate, he was gently critical when necessary. It was like watching a really good special ed teacher." –Bill Maher

Joe Biden has been running for president since 1988. In 1988 Air Supply was a band, now it’s what Joe Biden needs when he reaches the top of the stairs. —Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin is getting ready for the big CPAC thing by writing words on her hand like "Obama bad. No like." And Rick Perry is getting ready by writing 'Rick Perry." –Bill Maher

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the burritos are conveniently wrapped in divorce papers (Teachers became suspicious when the school band sounded good)

Astronomers reportedly discovered 60 new planets near our solar system. “How are the schools?” asked Melania. –Seth Meyers

Taco Bell has announced plans to offer a $600 wedding service at its flagship restaurant in Las Vegas. And this is cool — the burritos are conveniently wrapped in divorce papers. –Seth Meyers

And finally, a Cleveland mom was arrested this week after a child brought marijuana-infused gummy candies to school and shared them with at least 12 other students. Teachers became suspicious when the school band sounded good. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Everybody Loves Hackalackal (So far, no word yet from Dan Fogelberg)

"Tense situation right now in the Middle East. Earlier today, Israel completely destroyed Hezbollah's TV station in Lebanon. The attack occurred half way through an episode of 'Everybody Loves Hackalackal.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know if you have seen this. It's everywhere. They have a controversial photo of Barack Obama wearing a turban. It's been circulating on the Internet. Yeah, the turban photo should help Obama with a key group of voters, the New York taxi drivers." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Pope Benedict was severely criticized for his anti-Muslim remarks by 1970's singer Cat Stevens. So far, no word yet from Dan Fogelberg." --Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey! This is America! We measure things in Delawares (Because millionaires write the tax law for billionaires)

A court on the island of Corsica just upheld a local ban on burkinis, which combine a burka with a bikini. Though I gotta say, I don't see much kini. It's mostly burk. But then again, well, look at those ankles! Hello! Those can't be natural. –Stephen Colbert

Defenders of the ban say burkinis promote the subjugation of women. So basically here’s their logic: “Excuse me, ma’am, your garment is part of a culture that oppresses women. So let’s lose that top.” –Stephen Colbert

As Donald Trump so sensitively mentioned, Texas is still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey. And they will be for years. Meanwhile, another hurricane, Irma, is bearing down on Florida. It's the largest Atlantic hurricane ever reported. Experts say it's the size of France. Hey! This is America! We measure things in Delawares. –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise! (What’s that smell?)

A bill has been introduced that would reduce the speed limit in New York City to 25 miles per hour, while cab drivers are just being asked to keep all four wheels on the ground.--Seth Meyers

Discovery Channel is promoting its upcoming Shark Week by promising to have Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps race a great white shark. But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise! –Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, 58 percent of New Jersey residents support legalizing marijuana. I think they just want to finally have a good answer to the question, “What’s that smell?” –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.” 

 

Well, technically, its full name is Marvin, Duke of the Running Wheel (How was my time?)

Michael Phelps and his fiancée just welcomed their first child. Immediately after the baby was born, he looked up and said, “How was my time?” –Jimmy Fallon

But Teacher Appreciation Day is very special. It's the one day each year when we tell our teachers that there's no one we're prouder of, and our teachers are like, "There's no one OF WHOM you're prouder." --Jimmy Fallon

Kate Middleton revealed yesterday that her children have a pet hamster named Marvin. Well, technically, its full name is Marvin, Duke of the Running Wheel. –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'm getting lightheaded. I'm getting lightheaded. I'm seeing my spirit animal (a bottle of wine and a straw)

We have Drake on the show tonight — a black, Jewish, immigrant rapper from Canada. Or as Donald Trump would say, "I'm speechless. I need to sit down, I'm getting lightheaded. I'm getting lightheaded. I'm seeing my spirit animal." –Jimmy Fallon

British researchers are warning that one-fifth of the world's plant species are at risk of extinction. Even worse, kale is expected to survive. –Jimmy Fallon

And Teacher Appreciation Day is a great time to give your teacher a card or an apple or what they really deserve — a bottle of wine and a straw. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I'll be there in five teachers (George Foreman Grill on Wheels)

"Election in Iraq was three weeks ago. Believe it or not, officials say it's going to be another two weeks before they announce who won. Odd part is that the winner will be announced by Ryan Seacrest." --Conan O'Brien

Target has stopped selling hoverboards after reports that they catch fire. Meanwhile at Costco, they’re selling them as the "George Foreman Grill on Wheels." –Conan O’Brien

"A new website just came out that’s designed to calculate how long it takes Mitt Romney to earn your salary. So from now on, whenever Mitt Romney is running late, he can call there and say, 'I'll be there in five teachers.'" –Conan O'Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”