You know that queasy feeling when your phone battery is at one percent? (It's a Wonderful Life)

“Well, guys, Congress failed to reach an agreement on a spending deal, and now, we’re just a few minutes away from a government shutdown. Yeah. You know that queasy feeling when your phone battery is at one percent? That’s our government right now.” — Jimmy Fallon

“Yep, this’ll be the first government shutdown since 2018 — not including Joe Biden at the debate.” — Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What's next, a tax on rainbows? (if all of them were Fredo)

"As part of a plan to close his state's budget deficit, New York Governor David Paterson is proposing a tax on Internet pornography. You see, this is why we can't have blind governors. I mean, no offense, but of course he's going to tax pornography. If he can't enjoy it, nobody can. What's next, a tax on rainbows?" --Jimmy Kimmel


Donald Jr. hired a lawyer yesterday. This lawyer, in the past, represented members of the mafia. That actually makes sense — the Trumps are like the Corleone family, if all of them were Fredo. –Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

deliberately maligning the upper class (In Trump's defense there's nothing in the bill about The View)

Pride month is still underway which means in New York City all chalk body outlines will feature jazz hands. —Greg Gutfeld

President Trump and Elon Musk are feuding after Elon called the big beautiful bill a mountain of disgusting pork. In Trump's defense there's nothing in the bill about The View. —Greg Gutfeld

Chinese scientists who allegedly smuggled a deadly fungus into America will remain in us custody. Anthony Fauci has already posted their bail. —Greg Gutfeld

Zimbabwe is considering killing dozens of elephants and distributing the meat to its people. Coincidentally the State Department is warning Joy Behar to avoid Zimbabwe. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Economists are saying a single letter hasn't caused this many problems since the letter 'Dubya.' (the president may have just discovered weed)

"There's speculation that the 1,000-point drop in the Dow may have been sparked by a typo, where someone entered 'billion' instead of 'million' on a trading order. Economists are saying a single letter hasn't caused this many problems since the letter 'Dubya.'" –Jimmy Fallon

A lot of people think the U.S. might be starting a trade war with China. But this weekend Trump tweeted, “Be cool, it’ll all work out.” In a related story, the president may have just discovered weed. --Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I can’t believe you dummies let it go on this long! (Not in my house)

This is pretty cool. Scientists have built a 6'10" robot that can hit perfect three-pointers. Unfortunately, rival scientists built a 6'11" robot that can say, "Not in my house." --Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow is April Fools’ Day, which means everyone will be waiting for Donald Trump to finally say, “Gotcha! I never wanted to be president! I can’t believe you dummies let it go on this long!” –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter (You know how long it takes a working man to save $5000?)

It's late November, the weather's getting crisp, and that can only mean one thing: It's time for People magazine's "sexiest man alive" issue. It's got David Beckham on the cover. Spoiler alert — he's sexy. I was a little disappointed to see that the only time my name appears in the magazine is on the address label. –Stephen Colbert

"I’d like to single out some heroes, like the nurses at NYU hospital. After the hospital generators failed, these nurses carried 20 newborns down nine flights of stairs while manually operating respirators. I can’t even walk down nine flights of stairs without a spotter." –Stephen Colbert

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So I guess he really CAN perform miracles! (It's a Wonderful Life)

The big story right now is Pope Francis visiting the U.S., and I saw that yesterday, the Pope's plane couldn't land right away because he arrived earlier than planned. That's right, the Pope's flight was early. So I guess he really CAN perform miracles! –Jimmy Fallon

"EA Sports released a new version of the video game 'NBA Jam' that features Obama, Biden, Bush, and Cheney. Bush and Cheney play the first half, then Obama and Biden try to come back from a 6 billion point deficit." –Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Hey, I'm the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize (First off, nobody drives to Hawaii)

"It's interesting. During his speech, President Obama spoke about the difficulty of accepting a Peace Prize while we're fighting two different wars. And President Bush got really upset. He said, 'Hey, I'm the one who started both those wars, I should have won the prize." –Jay Leno

"According to CNN, 200,000 Americans are signed up for a one-way trip to Mars to colonize Mars. Unfortunately, none of them are Kardashians." –Jay Leno

"The price of gasoline, oh, my God, it's going crazy. In Hawaii, now over $4 a gallon. Again, President Bush, I don't think he understands the problem. Like today, he says, 'First off, nobody drives to Hawaii.'" –Jay Leno

"A South Carolina panel has voted not to impeach Republican Governor Mark Sanford. A fellow Republican, one of the panel chairmen, a guy named Tim Harrison, said, 'We can not impeach for arrogance or hypocrisy.' Well, of course not. There'd be no politicians left if you did that." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

or like Two and a Half Men without a cast member going crazy (Needles sold separately)

December 2012

"As you know, the Mayans said the world will end tomorrow, and like everybody else, they blame Bush." –Jay Leno

"As we get closer to Christmas, these Christmas tree lots try to rip you off because they know you're desperate. They know you need a tree. I was at a lot last night. I went to buy a tree. Needles sold separately. I couldn't believe it." –Jay Leno

"'It's a Wonderful Life' is the one where the angel earns his wings. Because remember, kids, an angel without wings is like Tom Selleck without a moustache, or like 'Two and a Half Men' without a cast member going crazy." –Craig Ferguson

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2021/02/a-magisterial-collection.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night 

of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

What's your secret? I mean, your other secret (at least the trains will seem fast)

President Trump announced plans this week to help people who leave prison find jobs, as opposed to his current program where he gives people jobs, and then they go to prison. --Seth Meyers

O.J. Simpson joined Twitter this weekend. And I know -- I know this is the wrong take, but he looks terrific. I mean the dude's 71. What's your secret? I mean, your other secret. --Seth Meyers

Lawmakers in New York State have reportedly resumed negotiations on a stalled bill to legalize recreational use of marijuana. I guess if everybody's high, at least the trains will seem fast. --Seth Meyers

During an interview yesterday, President Trump asked his chief of staff, Mick Mulvaney, to leave the room, after Mulvaney coughed while he was speaking. Which is weird, but at least it explains why Melania started smoking unfiltered Pall Malls. --Seth Meyers

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

but more importantly, they drown out the gunfire (shooting werewolves)

"Sunday is July 4, when America combines our two favorite pastimes: alcohol and explosives." –David Letterman

"The fireworks are beautiful to look at, but more importantly, they drown out the gunfire." –David Letterman

"You know what is in the theaters right now is another movie in the 'Twilight' saga. Everybody has got 'Twilight' fever. Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, was in a helicopter, shooting werewolves." –David Letterman

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html “A magisterial collection. An emotional roller coaster. Soon to be a cult classic. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night On Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

JOKES: It's a Wonderful Life (George W. Bush version)

The Baltimore airport just got a gym where you can work out while you wait for a flight. Finally combining the two things Americans love most — waiting in airports and exercise. –Jimmy Fallon

A recent study found that the number of monarch butterflies migrating to Mexico from the U.S. has dropped by 27 percent. Apparently the butterflies are afraid if they go from the U.S. to Mexico, they won’t be allowed back in. –Conan O’Brien

Yesterday, without mentioning Donald Trump, Pope Francis urged everyone to build bridges, not walls. So today, without mentioning the Pope, Donald Trump said, “Francis is a girl’s name.” –Conan O’Brien

http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2016/06/john-hulse-collected-poems-1985-2015.html