You know, you hate to see these two fight unless it’s in a kiddie pool full of jello (Hillary Clinton went out and got a dog)

A new report says Sydney Sweeney and Zendaya are in a bitter feud over their opposing political views. You know, you hate to see these two fight unless it’s in a kiddie pool full of jello. —Greg Gutfeld

A Pennsylvania man said he was shot after his dog jumped on a shotgun he had placed on his bed. After hearing this story, Hillary Clinton went out and got a dog. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Brady also revealed that during his career, he went through eight Gronks (the world's oldest married couple)

Tom Brady announced that his current dog is actually a clone of his previous dog who passed away two years ago. Brady also revealed that during his career, he went through eight Gronks. —Colin Jost

A husband and wife from Miami have been named the world's oldest married couple with a combined age of 216 years, which sounds really sweet until you realize the husband is 200. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Sadly, on the same corner (golden retrievers)

Prince Andrew has been stripped of his royal title of Prince due to his involvement with Jeffrey Epstein, and Andrew says he can only become prince again if he gets a kiss from a young princess. —Michael Che

A golden retriever in Virginia became an Internet celebrity after his owners posted videos of the dog stealing items from around the house. Meanwhile, a black Lab who did the same thing got the death penalty! —Michael Che

A 101-year-old woman from New Jersey says she still goes to work six days a week. Sadly, on the same corner. —Michael Che

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't know that that was the kind of dream Dr. King had in mind (as goes Guam so goes the election)

President Clinton had an embarrassing moment too. Between campaigning for his wife Hillary and pretending to have work to do to avoid going to bed with her, he is exhausted. He was supposed to be listening to Martin Luther King, III [on screen: Bill Clinton falling asleep]. I don't know that that was the kind of dream Dr. King had in mind initially." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Kim Kardashian is here tonight because she has a new book out. It's called 'Selfish.' It is 400 pages of pictures she took of herself. You know how you can't judge a book by its cover? This one you can." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, there are caucuses tomorrow in Wyoming and Guam, and, of course, as goes Guam so goes the election, so this is really very important." --Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't understand any dog barks (And really, who loves foreigners more than Dick Cheney?)

"Well, according to a new survey, 49 percent of the people in Iowa want a law like Arizona's to stop illegal immigration. You know what you call Mexicans in Iowa? Lost." –Jay Leno

"The University of Wyoming will open the new Dick Cheney Center for International Students. And really, who loves foreigners more than Dick Cheney?" --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney is now in London to see his horse compete in the dressage event. Dressage is kind of like horse ballet. Finally something that connects Romney with the average American voter." –Jay Leno

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

they could teach him a thing or two about blending foundation (getting rid of the taste)

Jon Stewart returned to his Monday perch for The Daily Show’s new season amid rampant speculation over the president’s health, after he wasn’t seen in public for several days over Labor Day weekend. “You people, you reporters, have no chill! Guy can’t take a few days for some R&R and a non-surgical breast reduction without everybody suddenly pulling out the toe tags? It does say something about the ubiquity of Donald Trump in our lives that we don’t hear from him for 20 minutes and we’re like: ‘He’s dead!’ Of course Trump didn’t die in office. But I wouldn’t put it past him, trying once again to take credit for something Biden had already accomplished.” —Jon Stewart

At the US Open tennis match, Trump sat in the Rolex booth – anything with a crown is like catnip to him, he can’t resist it. And once again, all eyes were on his hands. The president’s right hand was obviously plastered with some kind of putty that did not match the color of his skin. Between his face, his neck and his hand, his skin has more colors than a Sherwin-Williams store right now. It’s too bad he hates drag queens, because they could teach him a thing or two about blending foundation. —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I don't think they need any help at making things go soft (she'll only train the dogs to...)

Rosie O'Donnell said ABC is going to cancel The View, but first it's going to soften it up. Although, I don't think they need any help at making things go soft. —Greg Gutfeld

Nancy Pelosi claims she's working for gender affirming care for trans kids. While many say there's no such thing as trans kids, Pelosi said, "Yeah, well, you said there's no such thing as vampires, and I feast on blood.” —Greg Gutfeld

Ghislaine Maxwell will not be permitted to train service dogs at her new prison. Officials fear she'll only train the dogs to fetch teenagers. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Get out of paradox gree card! (dog years)

Rosie O'Donnell said she expected Donald Trump to revoke her citizenship after 21 years of his abuse. It's actually only been three, but she counts in dog years. —Greg Gutfeld

On Monday, torrential rain poured down and New York experienced its second wettest hour in history. The first was when I filled in for the naked cowboy. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

it's the only form of birth control her insurance would cover (salivate when the bell rings)

According to reports, former Vice President Joe Biden requires that his paid speaking engagements provide him with a dinner of angel hair pomodoro, caprese salad, and raspberry sorbet. And this is weird: He asked for the angel hair just to smell it. --Seth Meyers

A dog named Scamp the Tramp was crowned the World's Ugliest Dog over the weekend. They knew it was a no-brainer when the other dogs started sniffing its face. --Seth Meyers

Officials in Florida yesterday pulled over a woman who was hiding a foot-long alligator in her yoga pants. To be fair, it's the only form of birth control her insurance would cover. --Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

So, who won the midterm elections? (Unicorn Academy)

President Trump defended his tariffs, saying that the poor economic numbers were Joe Biden's fault. Well, guess what I wasn't forced to do during Biden's economy. Buy myself just the horse from Unicorn Academy without the doll that goes with her. —Colin Jost

Uber is offering teenagers free rides to prom. So get ready, your driver Matt Gaetz will be arriving soon. —Colin Jost

A chihuahua named Pearl who is just over 3 inches tall has been declared the world’s smallest dog. Pearl is so small I couldn’t even see her in front of my lawnmower. —Colin Jost

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

After that, your day and his day start to diverge pretty wildly (work together for the benefit of all)

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson put out a new alarm clock app today which includes a feature that will sync with The Rock's calendar so fans can wake up at the same time as him. After that, your day and his day start to diverge pretty wildly. –Seth Meyers

"A company has come out with a line of medical marijuana dog treats. Finally a medicine that will help my dog lie on the couch all day." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html 

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

If the dealer has 16, stay, OK? (mistake on top of a mistake)

On Tuesday, Trump heaped even more tariffs on Chinese imports, effectively a 104% tax on all goods. How’s he even coming up with these numbers? ‘What do you think about a tariff of 100% on China? Not enough! Make it 104!’ In response, the Chinese ministry of commerce said the tariffs were “mistake on top of a mistake” – which is also what Trump said when Eric was born. —Jimmy Kimmel

This is day 79 of Trump-o-mania. It’s been fun, watching this lunatic gamble our life’s savings this week. It’s like handing a social security check to your dog and sending it to Caesar’s Palace. ‘If the dealer has 16, stay, OK?’ —Jimmy Kimmel

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

the judge will ask them to tell a story with only the relevant details (all she needs to do is wait a few weeks/Road Closed)

This week a biotech startup got FDA approval to develop a drug to make dogs live longer guaranteeing at least another season of The View. —Greg Gutfeld

The Olympic Track and Field Governing Body announced it will perform tests on female athletes to make sure that they are biological women. So what’s the test? Well the judge will ask them to tell a story with only the relevant details. —Greg Gutfeld

Italian model Victoria Seretti says it's annoying when people call her Leonardo DiCaprio's girlfriend. Well fortunately at age 26 all she needs to do is wait a few weeks. —Greg Gutfeld 

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I couldn't help myself, he was delicious (American bumblebees)

In the U.K., a group of scientists successfully taught bumblebees how to play soccer. And now, they’re trying to get American bumblebees to watch it. –Conan O’Brien

In an interview this week, Barbra Streisand revealed that she cloned her favorite dog, twice. Barbra said, "I couldn't help myself, he was delicious." --Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Medical personnel credit his hard shell (mold allergies)

Mitch McConnell is reportedly fine after falling down the stairs. Medical personnel credit his hard shell. —Greg Gutfeld

Daniel Penny has landed a new job in finance at a major firm. They already have a sign up that says if choking do not let Daniel apply the Heimlich. —Greg Gutfeld

CBS has released their full unedited 60 Minute interview with Kamala Harris. Apparently they left out a part where Kamala said she was allergic to mold, which could explain why you rarely saw her standing next to Joe Biden. —Greg Gutfeld

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html

“A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I guess those are just the kinds of thoughts you have when you drive in circles for four hours (scientific method)

"Yesterday, during his domestic abuse trial, NASCAR driver Kurt Busch said he believes his ex-girlfriend is a CIA-trained assassin. I guess those are just the kinds of thoughts you have when you drive in circles for four hours." –Seth Meyers

"Mitt Romney said he is considering a third presidential bid. Romney said he got the idea from watching his dog repeatedly run into an electric fence." –Seth Meyers

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

I believe this is the first empty skull to come out of Yale, well, I think since George W. Bush (My lips are for blowing)

Okay, so it's Fashion Week and also it's the Westminster Kennel Club dog show at Madison Square Garden. So usually it's the New York Knicks who are the only thing that rolled over and played dead in there. --David Letterman 2/10/2003

"Do you folks know anything about the Skull And Bones society? It's like a fraternal organization, at Yale University. Well, they're auctioning off a human skull. And I was thinking about this. I believe this is the first empty skull to come out of Yale, well, I think since George W. Bush, actually." –David Letterman

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

That's a big improvement from our last president (wealthy, powerful psychopaths)

"Hey, last night I watched Oprah's White House Christmas special. President Obama told Oprah he deserves a 'solid B-plus' for his first year in office. That's a big improvement from our last president, who for the last eight years received a 'WTF.'" –Jimmy Fallon

“According to a survey, during the holidays, most dog owners buy a gift for their pet. Yeah. And then there's the people that are too lazy to shop and just give their dog cash.” —Jimmy Fallon

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

Those offshore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people (SOS)

Kim and Kanye’s 2-year-old daughter North has released her first tweet. It was just three letters, "SOS." –Conan O’Brien

Researchers at Cornell have successfully bred the first puppies in a test tube. Which is great, because we all know how much dogs hate doin' it. –Conan O’Brien

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”

 

There's also a negative side (Fairly simple thing that happens to work)

Why do dogs race to the door when you when the doorbell rings? It’s almost never for them. --Norm Macdonald

“The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.” —Hunter S. Thompson

I'd like to talk about a few things that bring us together. Okay, things that emphasize our similarities instead of our differences, which is all you ever hear about in this country are differences. Politicians and the media are always pushing the things that separate us, things that make us different. That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. They divide the rest of the people, they keep the lower and the middle classes fighting with each other so that the rich can run off with all the fucking money. Fairly simple thing that happens to work. --George Carlin

https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html

“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth 

and Orwell’s 1984.”