The extremist militant religious group the Taliban has appointed a new leader. So congratulations, Ted Cruz! –Conan O’Brien
"A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, 'Hey, both of those games went into overtime.'" –Conan O'Brien
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Surgeon general pick Casey Means once claimed she used magic mushrooms to help find love, which is different from Joy Behar who was hired by a truffle farm to find mushrooms. —Greg Gutfeld
The Taliban in Afghanistan has banned chess due to fears the game is a source of gambling. The good news is though they're still totally okay with pin the tail on the donkey that you plan to have sex with. —Greg Gutfeld
Scientists say the universe is decaying much more rapidly than previously expected. Experts say to make it seem longer watch Fox at 8:00 p.m. —Greg Gutfeld
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Joe Biden has been running for president since 1988. In 1988 Air Supply was a band, now it’s what Joe Biden needs when he reaches the top of the stairs. —Bill Maher
It's rough around here. A few days ago I was watching the movie Once Upon a Time In Hollywood, a terrific movie, and that scene where Brad Pitt answers the door and it's the Manson Family and I thought, ooh company. —Bill Maher
"Lindsay Graham is running for reelection and his primary opponent publicly called him 'ambiguously gay." Republican politicians do not like ambiguously gay. It makes things too complicated at the rest stop." –Bill Maher
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2025/04/thats-no-way-to-say-goodbye-new.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
At a White House news conference on Tuesday, President Trump said the United States should take over Gaza, which he said could be turned into “the Riviera of the Middle East” once all the Palestinians there had been moved out. “All these years, I don’t know why no one else thought to call shotgun on the Holy Land.” — Stephen Colbert
“A source close to the president said it was Trump’s own idea. Everyone was like, ‘Oh, we can tell.’” — Jimmy Fallon
“Trump wants to take over Greenland, Canada and now the Gaza Strip. He’s like everyone at 2 a.m., drunk-ordering off Amazon: ‘[slurring] I’m going to — I’m going to add Gaza Strip to the cart. I want Gaza Strip.” — Jimmy Fallon
“The only thing the United Nations and the Taliban have in common is they both think this is a terrible idea.” — Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager said that based on early voting, they expect this election to have the largest voter turnout in American history. That’s right, more people than ever will go to the polls for their chance to say, “Ugh, I guess...” –Jimmy Fallon
"Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown. In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, 'Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.'" –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2023/12/baby-baby-all-time-when-do-we-want.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
The swamp has somehow begun to drain itself, with nearly 40 members of Congress announcing plans to retire at the end of their terms. Which is very unusual, I mean, some members are retiring because the House and the Senate have become gridlocked by partisanship, but most of them just want to get away from Lauren Boebert and Ted Cruz. That, and avoiding the grind of fundraising for re-election every two years. The unfortunate secret about being a congressman that people don’t know is that you spend most of your time calling and begging for money. You’re basically a telemarketer who gets to decide if we occasionally send money to Ukraine. —Jimmy Kimmel
In other congressional news, lawyers for Joe Biden’s son Hunter told a Republican-led committee that he is prepared to be questioned at their impeachment inquiry next month – but only if the hearings are held in public. Republicans don’t want that. They don’t want it on TV. They’re like ‘if we don’t do this behind closed doors, how are we supposed to make stuff up?’ —Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown. In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, 'Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.'" –Jimmy Fallon
This week, a truck carrying 40,000 pounds of vodka overturned in North Carolina. The driver is fine. He said he’s shaken, but not stirred. –Jimmy Fallon
Now that the dust has settled from the Democratic debate, it looks like Hillary Clinton is going to remain the Democratic front-runner. And believe it or not over on the Republican side, Donald Trump is still in the lead. And now Trump is saying that he should be given Secret Service protection. As opposed to his current security: having Gary Busey follow him around with some nunchucks. –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Last night at a Texas Ranger game ex-President Bush almost got hit with a foul ball. He vowed revenge on the player, but we all know Obama will be the one to actually get him." –Conan O'Brien
"The United States was able to find and kill Osama bin Laden because of a tip from one of his wives. When she saw a picture of his body, she said, 'Now who can't drive the car?'" –Conan O'Brien
The extremist militant religious group the Taliban has appointed a new leader. So congratulations, Ted Cruz! –Conan O’Brien
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"In Florida there is a guy running for Congress who is 101 years old. And despite what you might think, the guy is actually quite a progressive. He wants to expand Medicare. He wants to fix Social Security. He wants to let women vote." –David Letterman
“The band Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. I think I'm going to wait and see who Metallica likes.” –David Letterman
"The Dalai Lama was down at the White House today to meet President Obama. Meanwhile in Texas, George W. Bush got caught in the garage door." –David Letterman
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
A new home has been found for some geese in Kailua, Hawaii. Some private landowners wanted the geese off their property, but there was a public outcry after an exterminator had been sent to kill all the ducks and geese on Enchanted Lake. It might be time to reassess your career choices when you’re waking up in the morning and saying, “Well, time to kill everything on Enchanted Lake.” --Stephen Colbert
Yesterday, the Trump Administration announced that the entire Affordable Care Act should be struck down, including protections for people with pre-existing conditions. Yes, now that he’s free of the Mueller investigation, Trump can focus on his real enemies - the living. --Stephen Colbert
"The Army is pulling out of Rush Limbaugh. Meanwhile, they're staying in Afghanistan to negotiate with the Taliban, who evidently have a better track record on women's issues." –Stephen Colbert, on the U.S. Army pulling ads from Rush Limbaugh's radio show
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
During the speech, Trump made a not-so-subtle threat to house democrats. Trump, “An economic miracle is taking place in the United States, and the only thing that can stop it are foolish wars, politics, or ridiculous partisan investigations. [Colbert as Trump] “You heard me, you get the truth or a functioning economy, Okay. Keep in mind, I turned this sucker off for a month over a wall. You think I won’t burn this place to the ground to stay out of jail? I’m just saying you’ve got a nice country here. It would be a shame if anything happened to it.” --Stephen Colbert
Early in the evening I had high hopes. Especially when CNN teased us with this graphic: “Trump Leaves White House Soon.” That’s not cool, CNN. --Stephen Colbert
Donald Trump, “I am also proud to be the first president to include in my budget a plan for nationwide paid family leave so that every new parent has the chance to bond with their newborn child.” [Colbert as Trump] “Because, you know, some people are too busy to bond with their wife and newborn child. Instead, they’re forced to go to a vodka launch party and tag a porn star. I’m sorry. Not on my watch! I’m sorry. I meant to say not while anyone is watching me.” --Stephen Colbert
Trump’s State of the Union wasn’t particularly good, but what it lacked in quality, it made up in length. This speech was like watching paint lie. --Stephen Colbert
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“On Friday, the FBI spent 13 hours searching President Biden's house in Wilmington, Delaware, and they found more classified documents. You know what? At this point, just let us know when you stop finding them. You know what I'm saying?” —Jimmy Fallon
“Their finding classified documents everywhere. First Trump, now Biden. Today, just to be safe, Obama burned his house down.” —Jimmy Fallon
“This weekend the news broke that Biden's chief of staff Ron Klain is stepping down. Yep. Klain said, ‘Look, I hate leaving you with such a mess, but I will anyway.’ Of course, being Biden's chief of staff is a tough job. You have to be able to write and speak in size 72 font.” —Jimmy Fallon
“The new season of The Bachelor kicks off tonight. It's actually the most shocking season ever because they find classified documents in the fantasy suite.” —Jimmy Fallon
“Well, listen to this. The president of Ireland has called on schools to stop giving homework so kids can use their free time for other creative things. That story again -- the president of Ireland is apparently my 9-year-old daughter.” —Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
Donald Trump’s supporters are now being called "Trumpeters." And Jeb Bush’s supporters are being called "clinically depressed." –Conan O’Brien
After Sarah Palin's rambling endorsement of Donald Trump, she failed to show up at a Trump campaign event. Palin apologized and said, "I was fresh out of nonsense." –Conan O’Brien
Today, a top LGBT organization officially endorsed Hillary Clinton. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "You had me at L." –Conan O’Brien
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Scientists now believe that a child's intellectual power, a child's brain power, a child's I.Q., is inherited solely from the mother. All the intelligence of a child comes from the mother. These findings are based on the study of the Bush twins." --Jay Leno
"The White House has given permission for a company owned by the government of Dubai to run six U.S. ports, including the Port of New York. Now Dubai was accused of supporting the September 11th attacks and was one of only three countries to support the Taliban. Now they're going to run the Port of New York. What's next, we'll put Mexico in charge of immigration? How about Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety? Courtney Love in charge of Olympic drug testing?" --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton said this week that she doesn't agree with either the people who say we should be in Iraq or her friends who say we should be out. Thanks for clearing that up. Think she’s running for president? Even John Kerry said, "Pick a position!" --Jay Leno
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Former President George W. Bush was all over TV promoting his book, 'Decision Points.' On 'Rachael Ray,' they waterboarded a veal cutlet." –David Letterman
"Ceremonies for the George W. Bush center in Dallas. The official name of the place is George W. Bush Presidential Center and Go-Kart Track and water park. The George W. Bush Presidential Center is part of a $250 million complex. I believe this is the first time the words 'Bush' and 'complex' have been used in the same sentence." –David Letterman
"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" —David Letterman
"On Friday, President Obama pardoned the White House turkey. Mmm-boy. Dick Cheney didn't miss an opportunity. He proved that Obama is soft on poultry." –David Letterman
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
A Harvard psychologist who studies dreams recently said that dogs likely dream of our faces, our scents, and trying to please us. Then the dogs said, "Nope — just butts." –Jimmy Fallon
"Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown. In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else. You know things are bad when Americans are saying, 'Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.'" –Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager said that based on early voting, they expect this election to have the largest voter turnout in American history. That’s right, more people than ever will go to the polls for their chance to say, “Ugh, I guess...” –Jimmy Fallon
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
“The release of Confidence Man, the new Trump book by the New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman, well if you thought there wasn’t any more all to tell, you were incorrect. Among the details in the book, published on Tuesday: that five-year-old Donald Trump threw rocks at a baby named Dennis – basically the same thing he did to Mike Pence many years later.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“Some more of the book’s highlights is that Trump thought gay people loved him, that during a flight with the Jeffrey Epstein associate Ghislaine Maxwell, he had his then 13-year-old son Eric fast-forward through all the dialogue in Bloodsport just to watch the fight scenes. Surprising part of that story is he let Eric on the plane.” —Jimmy Kimmel
“In the lead-up to an ultimately scrapped meeting with Taliban leadership at Camp David, Trump was concerned that his daughter Ivanka would have to wear a burqa. Inviting the people who helped Osama bin Laden, that’s one thing, but nobody puts Ivanka in a burqa!” —Jimmy Kimmel
https://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/08/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"Rob Ford is running for re-election. He's got a very catchy campaign slogan. You'll see it on bumper stickers all over Canada: 'The crack stops here.'" –David Letterman
"Crack-smoking mayor of Toronto Rob Ford is returning to Canada. He's been in the United States in rehab. He's going back to Canada. He traded himself for five Taliban prisoners." –David Letterman
"President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'" –David Letterman
I did some historical research today. Adolf Hitler, it turns out, was delinquent in his income taxes. He owed over $3 million in taxes. Boy, you think you know somebody. –David Letterman
They had a fundraising softball game at Yankee Stadium over the weekend, and do you know who played? New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. He had a great day at the plate. I'm talking about lunch.—David Letterman
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
"This bird flu is scary, are you frightened by this? I spent an hour last night rubbing Vick's Vap-o Rub on my parakeet." --Jay Leno
"Listen to this. If any of these jokes bomb tonight, the federal government will step in and bail me out. Whew! Thank goodness." --Jay Leno
"Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent. You know what President Bush is giving up for Lent? Our ports." --Jay Leno
"The White House has given permission for a company owned by the government of Dubai to run six U.S. ports, including the Port of New York. Now Dubai was accused of supporting the September 11th attacks and was one of only three countries to support the Taliban. Now they're going to run the Port of New York. What's next, we'll put Mexico in charge of immigration? How about Dick Cheney in charge of gun safety? Courtney Love in charge of Olympic drug testing?" --Jay Leno
http://idiocracy23.blogspot.com/2022/03/1001-ways-to-make-america-great-and.html
“A magisterial collection. A combination of Bukowski’s Last Night of the Earth
and Orwell’s 1984.”
